2019 Farm Life

[Hopalong]

Got it!
An emotional head-butt?



Hops

[lighter]

Well.... more a very LOUD series of facial expressions relating disbelief, disappointment, and frustration.  It's meant to motivate, but I don't think it's had that effect on my kiddos. 

I think it worked with me.  My mom and sister both used it on me with as a matter of course.   

::dropping head::

I'm working on it: )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

GOOD for you for realizing one can communicate more than we mean to, using the face!

I'm not laughing at your dilemma, but am struck by the irony. We have SO much emphasis on what we SAY to people, and you have just realized how powerful (maybe too powerful) our facial expressions can be also.

Makes sense. Also it's consistent with the attention you pay to body signals. Now you're getting insight about facial muscles and performance, too.

Bravo,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I have always been one of those who express my feelings in my face and body language; heart on a sleeve kinda girl here.

The recent turn of my main relationship around here, has been dredging up old stuff again. So, I'm just making time to journal the thoughts/feelings out where I can see them better. Emotional stuff is off the charts and not making a lot of sense. But then, when do emotions make rational sense? Especially when it's ancient history that's being re-activated in the present.

So, clearly, I need to change a few things for myself to be able to cope and adapt... and feel strong enough to weather the stresses. Boundary work is ongoing; just like the fence is coming along nicely now that all the posts are in. We're in a drought situation; the poor pond is down about 8 ft now and the feeder stream has been dry all summer. Meanwhile the water pressure for Hol's well is gushing out from under the cap... LOL. They hit an artesian pocket.

I'm calmer now. Got some time alone in the studio to process some important emotions surrounding the whole Mike<>Buck shift. Apparently, those feelings aren't terribly unusual for widows getting involved in new relationships... but in the context of all the other things I wasn't seeing or processing well or quickly they were concerning. That part was a LOT easier to deal with.

I'm also seeing some patterns in the other stuff now; that I've seen in the past - my relationship with my mom, the stuff I internalized, and now the weird shift in Hol. (If she isn't kept totally mentally occupied and physically tired... her brain always turns to creating drama where none need exist. Mom thinks that's probably related to some OTHER stuff she's not ready to face yet about herself.)

But overall, things are more civilized around here... and with Steve home and the work-session with Matthew... and now her friend John is back for a few days before heading west again... the male energy has balanced the cat-fights down to a simmer. I kinda think the contractors are helping with that too.

Things are crazy busy and it's difficult juggling/scheduling the things Hol has going on with the stuff I know I need to get done. There is talk of them heading into the city to do some museum hopping and then up to B'more to move her storage unit contents closer to home and retrieve a piano. Which of course is getting stored in my space, along with the new "vintage" sofa she bought.

So you can see why I feel like I'm getting crowded out of my own home, maybe. Pushed aside. Stacks of her stuff are EVERYWHERE and she's a clutter bug - even though lately, she's been purging a lot of stuff. I really only had my space "clear" for a few months before it got filled again. With stuff. That isn't used; it's just STUFF. And there is the annoying fact that she is totally unconcerned about damage that is caused by their carelessness; leaving tools outside, for instance. MY TOOLS. HER TOOLS.

I grew up taking care of my things, because they cost money to replace. She doesn't seem to have that attitude in her "high & mighty" collection of ideas and attitudes. Among other things I know she grew up with too.

I don't think I'm cut out for "communal living". I'm doing better than some years ago but I'm not buying the attitude that there is something wrong with me, because I have personal preferences about how I want my space; my home to be.

[Hopalong]

Which of course is getting stored in my space, along with the new "vintage" sofa she bought.

Sending you strength to practice:
No, you may not move more things into my house.
No, you may not put the piano or sofa in my house.
No, you may not leave my tools outside.

The secret is in the passive voice: "is getting stored." 
Or even in conjugation:
Holly is storing,
Holly wants to store,
Hol wanted to store but I said...

Or in: "of course"

And a tiny verb:

If she isn't [kept] totally mentally occupied and physically tired...

Who's doing the keeping? Is Steve giving her instructions all day? Are you?
"Kept" indicates no adult agency. (Or responsibility?)

I'm concerned for you, Amber. The exhaustion, the emotional stress. You know I'm not an
objective observer with regard to entitled or abusive adult children. But I'll advocate
for these situations being extremely real and knowing they can get very bad. And for KNOWING you don't deserve unkind or inconsiderate or reckless treatment. You didn't go through all you went through to get to your mountain to have it despoiled, even psychologically.

It is even possible that a cherished dream of a "family compound" made sense as a dream but is going to need some straight-up reality checking. I hope it can still be a happy, meaningful retreat for you. You don't want to fight for yourself because she damn sure should know all this already.
But it's really only yourself you have to teach. "No."

It's never too late to assert, or re-assert your space, your peace, your serenity. Or to get some joint counseling to figure out how assertiveness (as opposed to aggression) can help you both.

I never acknowledged how sympathetic I felt reading of your anniversary reaction to Mike. He's still a real sweet duffer to me, and I know you miss him.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I must use spell check more often.

[sKePTiKal]

With the leaves starting to carpet the yard & woods, and the almost frosty morning here... everyone senses the quiet solitude of winter coming on. I welcome it. Hol does not; except for all the social whirlwind around the holidays.

Hol got asked to fill a position in a production filming nearby that would be a major step up for her. There's a whole list of reasons why it's not the right time - and they are valid ones. Including the fact that she would be coming in cold with only a little experience and only 5 days to accomplish all the planning, hoop-jumping required to make it happen safely, and artistically satisfying. The offer was still super-valuable to her... in that, she feels that connection to both her late boss and her own past work life. She discussed the facts, both with her co-workers and another guy she's known a long time in the industry (father figure). And I'm glimpsing something that MIGHT be a major clue to what's going on with her. More on that later.

We had a pretty pleasant, productive day here yesterday. Even the natural irritations were resolved quickly and no lingering misunderstandings or accusations. Takes 2 guys' energy here to balance such strong female energy, LOL. They're embarking on some activities away from the farm today; might stretch over several days too. So I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet. A mini-vacation at home with puppies. Letting some of my current thoughts settle into something resembling a coherent description.

The Mike stuff that came up, make sense in the context of getting to know Buck at a deeper level. And having to ride herd on myself about YES, they are different people... and therefore the relationship is going to be completely different too. Different doesn't equal scary or bad; it's just different.

My sense of efficacy and strength of self is returning with the cooler temps; and the fall energies. Heat & humidity turn me into a limp noodle. Give me 4 feet of snow and -25 windchill, any day. I can always find ways to get warm; only so many ways to cool off.

[Hopalong]

Mini-vacay for Amber WITH PUPPIES???

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss!

I'm so glad that's happening. And jealous.
Also that you're going to have some sweet, sweet solitude.

Your thirst for it is palpable.
The peace in the air, with cooler temps, is too.

This is wonderful. About time you gotta break!

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, they weren't out late last night. And today, things seem MUCH calmer and less fraught than usual with Hol. We've already started the winter brainstorming for future projects this morning.

Maybe whatever burr was under her saddle has finally been removed.

Had a fire in the woodstove last night; it was THAT chilly in the house! And stuff for winter studio projects is getting collected; I'm making something for Buck for Christmas - who's finally feeling better today. He's had lots of pain, and nothing can be done because he's in a healthcare bureaucracy catch-22 right now. Or maybe I should say Yule, since he's a heathen which in a lot of ways is compatible with a Buddhist/Pagan. LOL.

Already getting gift ideas for Hol & Steve, based on how we've been living here together. Having trouble with the grandkids though, this year. Kids have everything these days.

I know it seems EARLY for this kind of stuff... but sometimes I like to get a head start; especially when I'm making things.

I'm thinking I'd like to keep Hol's friend John around. He's not just one of her oldest friends & not drinking at this stage in his life, he's also a pro chef. And he cleans up the kitchen as he cooks - and he cooks all day. That's a luxury around here; someone who's main focus is food; for the rest of us.

AND... I've asked Buck the really important relationship questions. Which side of the bed? TP over the top in front - or down the back; handles up/down in dish drainer; and towels - short side or long side first? LOL. He's declared my handles down, "living dangerously".

He does his own laundry, so that's easy.

Sigh... the wheel of time (and moods) rolls on. At least there's a reprieve from the other stuff that was going on.

[lighter]

Amber:

When I read your questions, it sometimes feels they're tiny recon missions.  Your thoughts spanning over anticipated (unfamiliar) territory.  Trying to minimize....
the unknowns?
 
I think there will pleasure, and a few growing pains, as you navigate Buck World, and that it's going to be OK.... even the pains.


All this new landscape isn't so unfamiliar, IMO.  You've done this many times in your life.  It's the wildlife that's changed... the human element, rather than the potholes, low hanging branches, and water features.

I sometimes get frustrated by the marks people leave on me/us/humans in general.  They can feel like so many things they aren't.  They aren't the landscape, they live on and inside us, and it's so difficult to SEE things when that close, KWIM?

I have a question.  Have you always ever chosen a side of the bed, for yourself?
 I know I haven't, and that makes my stomach flip... not sure why, but it makes a little sad.

I think you and Buck will have fun figuring out all the details of a shared life, btw.    I think he'll appreciate the attention to detail, but be more relaxed around the timeline.

Check yourself.  Make sure there's no old anxiety thrumming in the background. 

Buck is Buck.  He's not like anyone else. 

I'm glad things calmed down in the house. 

Reading about the first fire was nice.  Just seeing a little fire on tv makes me feel snug and happy.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... some people make a big deal out of things like my questions Lighter. And in truth, once upon a time, I did as well. UNTIL... 4 teenagers and their various groups of friends were in my house. UNTIL... my beach house turned into a hostel that needed a reservation scheduling system... (which hasn't changed in my new location)...

Buck & I are dealing with the deep heavy life things (different for each of us) - so it was a joke to ask him about silly things like this. Lightens the mood. And also lets him know HE'S safe from being judged superficially for stuff like that, from me. Given his medical issues and the byzantine VA insurance stuff he deals with, I can't protect him from that or even lighten his load. All I can do is care and advocate for him. (Limited right now to me making suggestions to him, on how to navigate some things.) He has a super sense of humor - and most of it is very gentle; he has the typical dark twisted humor of people who've been through some seriously traumatic stuff, too.

We're also sorting out the boundaries of the medical stuff. Things that blow my mind, that "should not be" - often are things he's dealt with for years on a consistent basis, because of his VA status. And he knows how to cope with it. Until things go sideways. So the silly, unimportant questions help us learn to read each other a little better. We're way past that kind of thing.

But amazingly, I find we communicate really well. Because I can usually keep my objective hat on, and analyze things... without initially reacting... I can help defuse some of his frustration before it spirals him out of control. And he can open up more and be more honestly vulnerable too... because he knows I'll just listen - and then feedback to him, what I think I heard. The roles reverse, too. He can do the same for me. And we have our "code words" for when we need to have those kinds of conversations.

Seriously, I don't care what side of the bed I sleep on. LOL.

[sKePTiKal]

General observation warning:

The level of cognitive dissonance - everywhere - seems to be intensifying. For lots of people in different situations. Stress too. As that pressure increases, I'm observing some cope pretty well; some are just escaping any way they can; some obviously using every possible psychological defense mechanism known to mankind. That kinda creates a pressure cooker phenomenon in the human environment. Everyone seems to be in some sort of psychic pain - and not just in the folks I directly interact with.

Being a hermit - or at least, when I WAS - was kind of an escape; a controlling factor to avoid dealing with it at all. I had other things on my agenda I wanted to do that required that much peace & quiet. One of the inescapable facts of who Hol is, requires me to interact with more people than I would've chosen to, on my own. And those people bring their special dramas and dilemmas with them. There are positive things contributed, don't get me wrong - I'm not just seeing impact on me, here. So it's a "working relationship" between my needs, and all these other people's needs.

One thing I'm learning right now, is how to recognize my needs before they get to crisis stage and politely excuse myself to take care of me. Without always feeling obligated to "be in the mix", "be a good hostess", or engage in activities I have no real desire to be a part of at that moment. And to communicate that in a way that doesn't provoke the onslaught of "shoulds" and/or "criticism" that in turn provokes ME, to stand & defend myself. I'm just not that complicated anymore.

LOL.

[Hopalong]

Wow, that's perceptive. All of it.
I can relate to a lot of it, anyway.

The widespread psychic pain people are in.
Choosing solitude as one way to cope with it.

The present difficulty of boundary-ing and respecting
your own need for serenity and solitude. How to
be assertive about it and take care of yourself.
And WHAT to do when attacked, criticized, etc.

How to dial down a habit of remaining always in the mix,
part of solution, consulted or consulting. In control, too?

Not thinking you need advice but occurs to me that the
classic I-statements and language of assertiveness (all
reviewable online) are the healthiest language to use now.

I am so glad you have Buck to love. And VERY glad you
will be going to the ocean together. When is that?

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

I think that's a very helpful observation... noticing the psychic pain of everyone walking the earth.  Not just our own, or those in our orbit. 

Another question, Amber....
When you decided it was OK to engage in self care, without feeling obligated to play the hostess, or engage in communal activities you'd rather skip.....
was there an event that solidified that knowing for you?  You might not have an answer: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I just found I was letting myself get carried away with what everyone else was doing, past my "older person" limits and better judgement. And being over-tired and vegetable-brained (usually makes me a rutabaga) the next day. So while participating in those times is FUN... I need to safeguard my energy levels more, to stay consistently productive.

And I don't care what LEVEL of consistently productive I'm at, as long as I'm maintaining a minimum level.

And it helps a lot assessing those times, in the moment; a personal check-in with myself; a mini-time out to acknowledge just how interested I am in the frivolity or discussion going on at the time. It goes back to my philosophy, that there's always time to take care of myself FIRST. If that means I miss some fun, so be it. I won't be much fun the next day if I'm not getting enough sleep or missing a meal or don't have just some plain old downtime.

Contrary to Hol's opinion of a "healthy" balance of solitude/fun... I'm allowed to have one that fits ME. Another type of boundary, I guess.

Been a super-busy mental day here today; but the fence has gates now and I just have to fasten them. The contractor is done jackhammering the rock that was in the way of the first floor of the Holly Hut, so they should be able to start working on forms this week or next for the pour. I don't know if they pour the footers & slab first; let it cure. And then set forms for the walls - or not. Hol has moved ALL her stuff locally; some in a storage unit, some here. So she can officially close that chapter now. (Maybe that'll help?)

A mutual friend told me Buck hates to text; he'd rather talk on the phone. First hand evidence says the exact opposite, so I called him on it last night. (I feel like one of those people chained to my stupid phone!) He's apparently made an exception for me. I find myself pleading with him to call just so I can hear his voice. LOL. No big deal; but because of entanglements where he presently lives and his D's big ears... he's keeping his plans & me hush-hush to minimize the grief he has to live with as a result. Yes, that caught my attention and I chewed on it for awhile.

I think I'm OK with it, in the end. I've had to gradually cut Hol out of the loop, just to be able to have any alone time with him - without her hovering over me like a maiden-aunt chaperone.