2019 Farm Life

[sKePTiKal]

I have a clue now.

I'm currently 5 days away from the anniversary when Mike died.

There are still lingering echoes of "survivor guilt" that come up. But those are pretty easily managed with self-talk. After all, it's been 4 years now. There is no question about if I would deny myself a present life because I was honoring a past love & life. That's just not me. Sure I "sat out" a lot of things... giving "me" a chance to come through loud & clear to my own self. For some time. But I was also moving into a new space of "just me" too.

One of the things I struggled with a long time, was that lack of physical touch. Sometimes it's a curse having a good memory. Especially when you know it IS just a memory and there is no possibility whatsoever of enjoying that again. Then, there was the monumental effort of being a caregiver. (BettyAnne, thinking of you.) It was all I could do some days, to remember to show and take an extra minute there... and feed myself. The totality of my existence was laser focused on caring for him. I was perfectly suited to take on that role - BECAUSE of my hieroglyphic neural pathways of the ancient past. (and no damn boundaries about it either)

In the now, there is a mirror image of that situation. Instead of dealing with the terminal quality of cancer... there is Buck's dominant personality that is focused on getting himself well to deal with - preventing an opportunity to just sit and look into his eyes or touch him. It's his health, he's in charge, and has been doing this so long he knows it backwards & forwards. He doesn't want or need a "nurse". He's not indecisive either (Mike sometimes couldn't decide what he wanted for dinner.) So he makes his plans, and when they're sorted out - reads me into what he's thinking. (That's pretty different.)

When I encounter some difficulty on a project - Mr. Fixit is right there with expert assistance - albeit long distance. That's already run into my sensitivity to being told "you're not doing it right". LOL. So he's more careful now. He's not the only one with a lethal side to them, LOL. And there's always some project, life drama, etc going on. Most of which doesn't require that level of intensity.

So, one thing I know he wants from me is absolute loyalty; devotion to him. Have his back. Same as I want. And precisely because we're both intensely emotional people - with it buried under a persevering, stoic demeanor - the undercurrents of our interactions are combustible and explosive. Yet we're both fiercely independent and protectively defensive about our "territories"... particularly work spaces.

So, one of the things I see, that came up... causing the "cold feet" feeling, was that I felt like I'd inevitably let him down. The old not trusting myself thing. Then, there's the difficulty of trying to communicate that I have sometimes; of being clear and actually saying what I mean. And valuing myself to expect and communicate about my own boundaries... and ASKING for what I want.

Which all is a long way of saying, if we can't get some time together pretty soon, face to face... I'm gonna go completely bonkers. LOL.......

The PAST - and my feelings for Mike - are like the page in a long book with an illuminated "the end" on it. That's a little sad, because we had a lot of fun together despite the ending which I was afraid would tear my heart out. I can hear the "should" in my head about maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship... to which I immediately retort, that that voice has absolutely NO IDEA what it's talking about. LOL. I've never been that saintly and I'll be damned if I start now. This new guy draws me to him like magic - maybe because he DOESN'T need me. And we are both so independent and capable on our own. And yet we catalyze something in the other that's beyond my ability to describe.

I'm concluding that it would be a good thing for me to work on my communication and boundaries until such time as we can arrange a long weekend or something. Keeps me busy and out of trouble until such time as we can play. Thanks to the ever present cell phone & texting... he's always in my head, as if he's right here. But he's NOT. And that's a lot like that initial grieving period I had after Mike.

[Hopalong]

Two things that connected for me with a solid thunk:

--The "one step back" feeling that's related to fear of disappointing the other. I get it, and I think (h/t to Judith Sills again) that this is a near-universal step in the love relationship process. I also have fears of disappointing M. I am sure you will not get stuck there but know what it feels like to temporarily cool off a bit for self protection.

--The need to see B in 3D so this doesn't turn into an "ever-present cell phone and texting" relationship which, your body/heart are telling you, is nice but also an exercise in too much ether, not enough world.

And the issues of attraction, and yearning, and grief for his body and missing his touch, and also your awareness of his capacity to dominate (not that you'd let him) while still being your basic magnetic man (cue Outlander)...

You're still assimilating and putting together your own picture of what this relationship actually is and is going to be. I support you in not relying on the epistolary and digital fixes or confusing them with a shared life.

Don't be afraid. I think your goal of continuing to work on [assertive?] communication and clear boundaries is absolutely healthy and self-loving.

Easy to imagine that with Hol on one side and B on another, you're in a strong-personality sandwich at the moment. Don't ever forget you are a strong strong smart woman.

And don't say Yes any more to anything that doesn't answer your core needs or your ongoing questions. Asking and asserting until you have a feeling that your needs will be met, or close enough to live with, is essential self respect and self love. You can be on your OWN side in life first, while still loving others with all your heart. No matter where life takes or how it shapes those others You're only in charge of you, and being with yourself puts you in excellent company.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I don't know where you are regarding feelings of safety, Amber.  Sometimes I think you're completely comfortable with this man, and what he means to you, and then I wonder a bit.  The fear you'd disappoint him..... is that old, and about your pastm or is it in the present? Is it about B, and you?

Perhaps your amygdala is pinging.  Connection with Mike's health issues.... overlaying them with B's?  Not sure, but it comes to mind.   

Echoing Hops on self-care, and being on your own side, Amber.

I want so badly for you to be crystal clear on your needs, and right to have them met.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thinking.

One idea I've had is to make a list of those hieroglyphic neural "reflexes" (the ones I know about that still recur). Even tho I've already accepted that they are a part of "me"... and I'm still working on countering them with intentional thought, feeling & actions... I think I need it in B&W to engrave it on my awareness that like it or not, I'm going to emotionally respond a certain way out of long habit. To greater/lesser degrees. Not just expect myself to automatically catch those before I act on them.

Other idea that I acted on, was asking directly about the structure & form of what he's seeing; envisioning what our relationship agreement will be when he's here. Once again, he's proved to be very simply direct without "decreeing" this is the only way things can be. (This is helpful to me.) He calls it an "open ended tour" (yeah, military reference)... which is essentially my "no strings attached" description. Living together; business/legal stuff completely separate; and he gave me full control of ending it for any reason whatsoever. Along with a list of reasons why I might want to do that. He must have a pretty good T for him to be able to acknowledge all that openly, without any qualms.

All mostly PTSD type things. Stuff I'm more than passing familiar with given what I've been through; what we've all shared together over the past decade. Then, there's Hol - and the joint work we've been doing on related things. The work we've tried to do with former house guest, Matthew - and understanding what we are capable of doing and where our limits & boundaries are - and which work is HIS to do. (So Hol doesn't try to do too much.)

Front & present in my mind about Buck, is the cliche that some kinds of people will tell you who they are up front. And that one should always believe them; not expect anything to change - or be changeable due to your miraculous "powers" of soothing the savage beast. I know full well what he was trained to do; I know what his flashbacks are - what happened; and I know how he was trained to not feel anything about stuff like that. I know his instincts of protecting; protectiveness are right beneath the surface. And he is gentle and kind and sensitive to others' feelings and needs. So he doesn't fit the cookie-cutter Rambo stereotype. He knows full well what boundaries are and reciprocity and trust... due to the many years of T. I am very comfortable with his level of self-control and judgement and decisionmaking. And I've been around other former soldiers too, obviously less intimately, and one can readily perceive that side of them that's been trained to be dangerous even when you don't know they're former military - and no, they haven't given me cause for concern.

And then, there's my laundry list of instinctive reactions based on the past. And I *think* this is where my anxiety is centered. I think the situation is requiring a new level of trust in and from myself -- ABOUT myself. And a new level of being comfortable IN myself. Because there are no "red flags" with Buck. Even when I'm in analytical scrutiny of micro-details. And I'm not fearful OF HIM at all; on the contrary - I feel much safer WITH him, and even in the digital realm... because we can communicate so openly & intimately and navigate the occasional misunderstanding easily.

I have heard that I'm a "difficult woman" for years, in various relationships. And the more confident I got in myself the more Mike withdrew from me. There is the odd coincidence, that my rape assailant was active military. Which shouldn't be a thing all these years later; but ya know... trauma reactions aren't rational.

But there is still a lot of reality of experience missing. Nothing is ever idyllic or perfect; what is my "mom lesson" to Hol? There are no perfect men. And I rather expect we wouldn't be attracted to one, if there were.

Quite possibly, I'm just not busy enough and have too much time to overthink things right now. And I should relax and enjoy myself more than I'm letting myself at the moment.

[sKePTiKal]

Analogy time:

It's like I'm trying to speed-read to the conclusion of the story to find out if it's "happily ever after"... which means I'm going to miss a whole hell of a lot of context.

[Hopalong]

It makes perfect sense that way down in, where a bit of residual emotional nerve damage sits, you could now and then be subtly triggered by him being military since the rapist was. What offsets this, imo, is your evidence-based trust in B and the kind of human being he is, and how responsibly he's been managing his PTSD and health and mental health. Lots of T; that's impressive. As is his honesty and consistency.

I think YOU are thinking very clearly, Amber, I really do. So clearly in fact, that I agree you are approaching over-thinking... Because you see things in such nuance and microscopic form. This is when one really can miss the forest for the trees.

I think you're on a mountain, and one of the patches of woods nearby is B, and in its center is a lovely little glen that is pure beauty. Privacy, serenity, sun pouring down, fragrant edges, stillness except for birdsong, and peace. For you, first. And then for both of you.

I am so hoping you and B will have the chance to relax in that glen together. Waiting for it must be a real strain....

Do what you can to refocus in the present, so the planning demon monster executive doesn't dominate the day. Or not too often, anyway.

You're doing GREAT, Amber. Really. I'm so impressed. I can barely organize tying my shoes so everything you're up to, easy and hard, is astonishing to me.

Big hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thinking.

One idea I've had is to make a list of those hieroglyphic neural "reflexes" (the ones I know about that still recur). Even tho I've already accepted that they are a part of "me"... and I'm still working on countering them with intentional thought, feeling & actions... I think I need it in B&W to engrave it on my awareness that like it or not, I'm going to emotionally respond a certain way out of long habit. To greater/lesser degrees. Not just expect myself to automatically catch those before I act on them.

That makes perfect sense to me, Amber.  On the other hand....
"What we resist, persists" is what comes to mind immediately after making perfect sense.   

I could never journal enough, plan enough, identify something enough and certainly could never think my way clear of something, except  when I thought through my people-pleasing reactions when in the yard with my elderly neighbor.  It had good effect, and I was calm, relaxed, and not worried about people pleasing, or not people pleasing... just living in the moment.  Enjoying the duty, and joy of tending our yards.  Together.  That's new for me.  And it came from setting intentions, and letting go.   

This is new for me, so I'm not sure about my ability to reproduce it.  I know it can be done. I know I'm capable, and you're capable, and we're all capable. 

That I've had to hear different information different ways, over and over, and in certain order..... to get me to this place makes me question, and dount.   
It's my own struggles with strength, and experiencing them as outside myself, likely.  I should feel it's within my control,  as you do, Amber.

I honestly believe it is, and I'm sure it's within your ability, Amber.   

Other idea that I acted on, was asking directly about the structure & form of what he's seeing; envisioning what our relationship agreement will be when he's here. Once again, he's proved to be very simply direct without "decreeing" this is the only way things can be. (This is helpful to me.) He calls it an "open ended tour" (yeah, military reference)... which is essentially my "no strings attached" description. Living together; business/legal stuff completely separate; and he gave me full control of ending it for any reason whatsoever. Along with a list of reasons why I might want to do that. He must have a pretty good T for him to be able to acknowledge all that openly, without any qualms.  Or maybe he has his own fears of disappointing you?  He's human, Amber... like the rest of us.

All mostly PTSD type things. Stuff I'm more than passing familiar with given what I've been through; what we've all shared together over the past decade. Then, there's Hol - and the joint work we've been doing on related things. The work we've tried to do with former house guest, Matthew - and understanding what we are capable of doing and where our limits & boundaries are - and which work is HIS to do. (So Hol doesn't try to do too much.)

Front & present in my mind about Buck, is the cliche that some kinds of people will tell you who they are up front. And that one should always believe them; not expect anything to change - or be changeable due to your miraculous "powers" of soothing the savage beast. I know full well what he was trained to do; I know what his flashbacks are - what happened; and I know how he was trained to not feel anything about stuff like that. I know his instincts of protecting; protectiveness are right beneath the surface. And he is gentle and kind and sensitive to others' feelings and needs. So he doesn't fit the cookie-cutter Rambo stereotype. He knows full well what boundaries are and reciprocity and trust... due to the many years of T. I am very comfortable with his level of self-control and judgment and decisionmaking. And I've been around other former soldiers too, obviously less intimately, and one can readily perceive that side of them that's been trained to be dangerous even when you don't know they're former military - and no, they haven't given me cause for concern.

And then, there's my laundry list of instinctive reactions based on the past. And I *think* this is where my anxiety is centered. I think the situation is requiring a new level of trust in and from myself -- ABOUT myself. And a new level of being comfortable IN myself. Because there are no "red flags" with Buck. Even when I'm in analytical scrutiny of micro-details. And I'm not fearful OF HIM at all; on the contrary - I feel much safer WITH him, and even in the digital realm... because we can communicate so openly & intimately and navigate the occasional misunderstanding easily.

I have heard that I'm a "difficult woman" for years, in various relationships. And the more confident I got in myself the more Mike withdrew from me. There is the odd coincidence, that my rape assailant was active military. Which shouldn't be a thing all these years later; but ya know... trauma reactions aren't rational. 

But there is still a lot of reality of experience missing. Nothing is ever idyllic or perfect; what is my "mom lesson" to Hol? There are no perfect men. And I rather expect we wouldn't be attracted to one, if there were.  I'm sorry, Amber.  I was surprised when Buck showed up at the Farm, and stole your heart, or so it seemed.  Sort of... out of the blue... a surprise from where I stood.  Have you and Buck seen each other, face to face, more than that one visit?  I'm not judging.  Just trying to understand, and I'm all for imperfection and dialing realistic expectations.... for other humans, but I never expected enough, Amber.   I never asked for what was fair, or right,  or what was mine to have, and hold.  I was independent, and not at all bothered by jealousy or insecurities.... that's what I told myself, anyway.  I think that part was truth, actually.  But there was something else, and maybe you're thinking of that thing, or maybe not.  I can't be sure, so I ask.

What is it, really, that you're trying to tease out of these thoughts?

Quite possibly, I'm just not busy enough and have too much time to overthink things right now.  Honestly?  That's what the cheating, lying, skunk men in my life said to me when I questioned them on simple things anyone would have questioned. And I should relax and enjoy myself more than I'm letting myself at the moment.  I think breathing, and relaxing into the present will help you find clarity, Amber.  Being curious, and nonjudmental about what comes up, and noticing it all.... will show you what you need to see, IME.  Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter.

As for over thinking - it's something both Hol & I have a tendency to do. And we're marvelously skilled at throwing intellectual energy into trying to solve a mystery or a problem. Except some things can't be solved that way. No matter how hard you think or what you can construct intellectually - it simply doesn't touch some realities or move or settle them. The writing helps so much - because seeing it in B&W words kinda removes the ego-attachment to the ideas and eventually the brain realizes that you're trying to solve a problem with the wrong set of tools.

For instance, no amount of thinking can heal up an ego-wound from being abused or physically assaulted. I think we've all pondered the phenomenon of yeah, I understand all the words & theory - and they're RIGHT - but we still can't move past something until we use different tools: for some it's mind-body work, for some it's emotional work.

As for Buck stealing my heart, it was totally the other way around Light. He was being the perfect gentleman, in a brand-new environment for him... and he doesn't acclimate quickly to new people and environments... he even told me he didn't expect any of this, from me. I initiated the whole thing. Yeah, I've used the feeling-image of him stalking me from a distance for years - because he has been around, available, and just THERE that long. But it wasn't with any purpose or ulterior motive in mind. And we were fully engaged with a bigger group of people during that time, too. Not much one on one time. We both minded our boundaries appropriately (hate that word, but it's right here).

That little voice I've spent so much time, trying to tune into, just jumped up and wacked me with a 2x4 and yelled at me, that I couldn't let him slip away back into what he's been dealing with for so long - WITHOUT "properly introducing myself". LOL and one thing led to another VERY quickly. I am USED to fast binding connections; this would be the third time it's happened. No, it's not a recommended method - LOL. But it's seldom turned out super-badly for me. There is a certain feeling; I just KNOW. That it's going to work and it's what I WANT.

I've also never asked directly for what I wanted. Or felt that I had that right. But things change... and I am doing that more often. It's still new; it still has the flavor of "breaking taboos" - but when "nothing bad happens" I'm encouraged and chalk up another notch in the confidence zone... which ultimately leads me to relaxing and trusting my self.

I think it's inevitable that a bunch of old stuff bubbles up to the surface, during this time. And I get to decide if any of it is still relevant, still applies, and it's a TON of emotional sorting. Meanwhile, I'm also learning the new rhythms of a relationship with Buck. New dance partner. And I am totally bowled over - astounded - flabbergasted at how straightforward, direct, and EASY it is to talk to him about stuff like this. It's even cozy; nothing fraught. No games.

That I am suspicious of that - says a lot about me and where I've been and my own defensive choices. It seems too good a fit; too good to be true; a person doesn't get this lucky in life more than once. (Or so my "you're not good enough" line of crap goes)

This adventure is challenging my hold on stuff like that; and THAT is part of what is shaking me at the core. There's a lot of crap I still need to let go and move past, for sure. New stuff to try out and possibly adopt into the space I make. All with the clear intentional purpose of being MORE "me" - than the results & impacts of what I've already lived through.

[Hopalong]

Allowing the possibility of good things happening.

You did this, Amber.

It's disorienting for you and it's beautiful.

I'm really seeing this unfurl for you.

Happydancing...

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

It's hard to unpack it all, Skep, and I always find it weird how good things (or people) can bring up more stuff to unpack.  I often feel like I can't have the happy ever after thing.  I think when life has given you a lot of difficulties and unpleasant or traumatic situations and people to deal with it can seem very unlikely that anything can be good and easy and just kind of land in your lap.  But you are the Queen of self analysis, I think!  And I think it's great that Buck is so switched on to himself and direct about his own situation.  Self awareness is such an important and useful thing to have and I think with both of you having that it will inevitably bring up scary stuff alongside all the good things.  Sending you strength and hanging on in there wishes xx

[sKePTiKal]

Still groggy this morning. I've been fighting a head cold/sinus bug since I started being able to talk about this "looming boogeyman" that may very well be just a mirage I noticed in my peripheral inner vision.

Went to town yesterday with Hol, to do appliance shopping for the Hut, and meet my friend Deb for lunch and give her an early Christmas present. Definitely got too hot in the stores; sore and bored & out of patience with looking at fridges & stoves & washer/dryers. We went to a smaller, local appliance store after lunch. The kind with real sales people. And this guy who put up with Hol & engaged her (leaving me to sit and close my eyes - LOL) served the very important purpose of helping her determine what mattered most to her in the decision making process. She purchased a washer/dryer... and has narrowed down her decision on the stove/fridge and left with a catalog to finalize that decision. Everything will get delivered together by the end of the year. The nice thing about the local store is they always have service/maintenance guys available - that they've trained. They care about their relationship with customers more than "moving product". It makes shopping for the important items in a house much more pleasant.

This antibiotic doesn't seem to be making any impact on the infection at the pump. If anything, things look worse right now. There are a couple more days to go in this course of A/Bs. His T has given B the official VA go-ahead to request a second opinion (at a completely different hospital) from the surgeon - who at this point, wants to remove the whole pain contraption system AGAIN... which as far as B is concerned isn't going to happen. T even reminded B he can say no. The new lawyer called to see how B was doing after the last ER visit, when he finally got an Rx - on a SUNDAY. Lawyers don't work weekends and don't think to follow up with clients unless they're super interested in the case. I was shocked & impressed; B was also appreciative of the concern. He hasn't gotten much from the people he's been dealing with lately.

B has also been "sucking it up" and pushing onwards towards the changes in his life. He has to completely move out of his rented shop space, because the building is being torn down. He's on a countdown of days now. I've tried hard to not yell at him for doing too much - instead just reminding him it's OK to rest when he's tired or the pain is ramping up. Then letting him do what he feels he must. I still feel that the unavoidable stress in his life is contributing to the infection's virulence and persistence. But honestly, for him to completely shut down and spend weeks non-active would be even more stressful for him. My lips are zipped and my fingers all taped together...

Some of the anxiety and confusion of the past week is lifting. So I'm tempted to think there isn't anything serious here to pay attention to... but it's not the first time it's haunted me and chances are it won't be the last either. So I'm starting to see it as part of the process - part of this phase of the journey. I've learned about the immense power and usefulness of "going slow" through tai chi - and what it opens up for me is deeper "seeing". More, new awareness.

NOT being with him, getting swept up in the visceral chemistry and swirl of the "dance"... is kind of the same thing as going slow. It opens a space to get all this up from the depths, a place to add the post-its to the wall and rearrange them into a different order - discard the ones that no longer relevant -- let's me process in full, what I'm feeling, thinking, the stuff that is happening in each of our lives and seeing how the other fits into that soap-opera; where we can help each other grow and avoids the casual, inevitable misunderstandings that occur when two people who don't know each other spend time together. We are developing a context for who the other is - how they grew this way.

So I guess, because I am (at the moment) looking more inward, more intuitively - and LESS intellectually; trying not to over-think and just "let it be" - I guess it's inevitable that all the hard things & places would show up and need to find a new place on my wall of mental "post-its"... it doesn't need to be managed or created; just felt. Where does "this" naturally belong now... that kind of thing.

[lighter]

It feels like finding the right antibiotic is a pressing and urgent priority.

I wonder what exactly the second opinion doc at the other hospital is SAYING about his reasons for removing the pump.  Is there infection inside the contraption that will be difficult or impossible to eradicate?  Is it the reason there's an infection in the first place? 

B needs a doctor on his team who can deal with the infection, and get on board with keeping that pump in place.  It seems like the docs who put it in don't want him to keep it, and are more concerned with passing the the buck on what caused the infection... no pun intended.

Who's on Buck's team?  Who's going to help him heal,  and get that pump in gear?

IS there anyone,  at all, at the VA who's able and willing to do that?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

buuuuut...

is it also possible that the doc who wants to remove/replace the pain pump has valid evidence-based reasons?

I know docs and the medical system (much less the VA) make mistakes, but I don't chalk those up to indifference.

FWIW...more tomorrow, got a bit o' wine head at the mo'....

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Those questions are all premature at the moment, ladies. His appt to ASK for the 2nd opinion is this afternoon.

Yes, we already know there's a more effective antibiotic - but he's anaphylactically allergic to it. It's deadly for him. NO, there really isn't an MD or VA official advocating for him. He's asked. His T seems to be the only one with any empathy for his determination to get well against the obstacles he's faced/is facing.

And he is also trying to do as much to accomplish that himself as he can. He is sensitive to my feelings of what he knows I lived through with Mike. But I am allowed to do some useful things. I help distract him - with plans, thoughts, remodelling ideas, daily life stuff at the farm - so he has a chance to keep his head in the positive and not be drowned by the negatives. We explore each other - through little games and are "doing the dance" of relationship on a daily basis, albeit long distance. The comfy, established couple stuff. I've been able to help keep him functional with my herbal knowledge - and pocketbook for said herbs - and he's currently got a new tincture which is supposed to help with infection. I didn't want him to start that until this current course of ABs had a chance. If anything that pump area looks MORE infected after the AB.

I have theories about the infection - mostly based on a lot of medical research on these pain management systems. But without a conscientious and caring physician to follow up, test, and eliminate possibilities in a search for a solution... those can only be speculation. Every now and then, we'll get one new little piece of hard data to fit somewhere in what we both know about all this. (He's an amazing mechanical troubleshooter/problem solver... so this is another collaborative good fit for us.)

-----------------------

Holly Hut is moving right along. As things stand at the moment - it looks like the contractor is going to meet his tentative deadline of having the exterior closed in by Christmas. Hol is starting to buy appliances and has been tasked with assembling the racks for the solar panels by the end of this week. Once that system is installed, the guys shouldn't need to keep hauling their huge generator out here.

Whatever was going on between us - has resolved. We've each figured out what we were doing, adjusted, and are getting along just fine.

-----------------------

John returns from more travels tomorrow and we've been collaborating on Turkey Day menus. Grocery store run today. Haircut Wed... and we also have hunters around all this week - Ronnie, Rick, Albert & their boys.

-----------------------

Whatever that thing was that came up - it seems like it was just a momentary revisiting; a checklist review/reminder of things to pay attention to (along with everything else) internally. So maybe just a self check-in? It's receded a lot, even though today is the day 4 years ago, I woke up to tend Mike's needs for the day completely unaware that he would be gone by 5 pm. Those feelings seem to be at peace now.

---------------------------

And my cold is finally getting better. That helps too.
It's helped me see, also - that because Buck manages a lot of pain everyday, it magnifies his feelings about the little life stuff that always comes up for people. Like the straw and camel's back kind of thing. He's hanging on and plodding forward as much as possible.

Well, the dogs are out of food and I have baking items to retrieve from the store... so must be about my business!

Ta-ta... and when I have some down time, I'll go more in depth on this stuff and catch up with everyone else.

[Twoapenny]

It sounds like a whole load of loose ends and unresolved issues kind of untangled themselves a bit, Skep, and just sort of settled down?  It's weird but sometimes I think it feels like problems and issues kind of send out messages about themselves and some sensitive type people sort of pick up on it all and it starts to add up.  And then things just kind of settle and even out a bit again.  Thank goodness. 

I'm glad that you have your herbs and plenty of research to at least keep some possibilities up in the air.  I think nothing at all is hard to cope with.  A bit of information, even if it's not certain, is something, at least.  It's good that you and Buck kind of fit together like that.  I'm so appalled that there's no-one that can just take charge of the situation and get on with it, though.  Such an appalling way to treat people and so unnecessary.  So I hope he gets some clearer answers before too much longer xx