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Winter Stuff
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. That's really supportive and kind. I think I'll be okay.
All this makes clearer to me why I haven't previously stuck with the dating effort. The lonelies hit (every winter) and I resume the quest, then back away from it.
This time I hope I'll stick with it. I keep thinking about extraneous things like:
would I have to move, what if he's insensitive or dishonest, can I get enough alone time if I get into a relationship, blah blah.
Lately I've been telling myself I only need to look for one thing: not wooing or flattery or instant chem, but love. I am looking to give and receive, and build long-term, heart-love. Agape plus enough eros. The real deep cherishing kind of love with a decent, kind and honest person is what I want to experience and create. That's really my biggest criteria for a partner for the rest of my life. If that's absent, it would all become misery. I don't want delusion or crazy wooing (been there, result was ultimately a disaster). So as you say, I need to be in observer mode.
Ole boyfriend B called the other day with a pretext of sharing an article. He's clearly very lonely. I feel sorry for him and realize that he may just never be able to release or have insight about how controlling he is. No deep compatibility there.
So I need to keep listening to and respecting my intuition, I think. The one-date writer contacted me again today to see if I'd changed my mind, and he is still disappointed. I was encouraged to recognize that I still trust the gut decision I made and don't have any doubts or ambivalence about it. Told him so kindly, and that if our paths cross again I'd welcome him as a friend.
I'm hanging in and have a church meeting tomorrow and will see friends. Good.
How are things with you?
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hi, Hops:
I'm not a good person to give advice about love. Deep. Abiding. Respectful. Reciprocal. Love. I've had it. The universe knocked it out of my paws. Wasn't supposed to be mine, not for long, and that's OK. There's something else I'm meant to do. I truly feel that. I've had more experience with the misery you speak of, unfortunately. I never got the formula down for finding lovely men. I think I feel.... relief. Just... relief. The thought of not dating again is a weight off my shoulders. No sadness or grief involved at all.
I really do think dating should be about boundaries, and learning to sit, without DOING, and paying close attention to what they're saying, are they asking questions, or waiting to speak? Are they tuning into your sense of humor? DO they have a sense of humor? Do they have empathy? Care for other creatures and human beings? Are they thoughtful, and kind to others? I find people typically do to us whatever it is they're doing to others. If they're not nice to others, eventually they'll be unkind to us. They'll show us who they are. We can be open to receiving that information, or we can engage in excuse making, IME.
Where the gut comes in, and I've thought about this quite a bit, is where we're experiencing confusion....
that place where we're feeling light as a feather happiness....
hope swelling in our chests, thinking about future joy with someone, bc this is a game we've played so many times before...
not good for us at all, always ends badly, not going to get us what we need, but deep abiding longing for something we can't have or doesn't exist...
vs
initial discomfort with being treated really well, bc it's not a dance we've danced a lot. It's not what's familiar, and it doesn't feel like home right off the bat...
vs
the guy doesn't SEE us, doesn't hear us, doesn't get us, doesn't care about us past how we make HIM feel, serve his needs, attend to his words, etc. It's a thin thing to feel that, even if there's other lovely distractions around the connection, and it's easy to pretend it's enough, but I find it just isn't. Eventually we're going to have to pay attention to ourselves, and get our own needs met. That usually doesn't go so well, IME. Not with the selfish ones, IME. Even if we do it without resentment... even if we embrace it with joy, and appropriate attention for the right reasons, it's usually a "thing" IME.
When to let the boundaries become more fluid, when to pull them in, and enforce them... cut bait and move on without judgment. It's not a good thing or a bad thing. It's just the way it was, and it's not the last thing. It's just what's happening on our way to what we're supposed to be doing.
I think our brains too easily get queasy, and confused, where our guts KNOW things, if we'd only listen. I wish it was easier to notice that confused dazed wishing and hoping mode, pull back, and engage intuition with economy of motion. Just cut to the chase. Save a lot of time.
It's the judging things BAD that takes up time, and spins us around I think. If we could just put our finger on whatever is bugging us, accept it, be grateful we figured it out quickly, then turn our happy attention to what comes next, without mourning, and feeling gut punched... that'd be better, yup yup yup.
Amused curiosity, sans judgement.... is a good thing, IMO.
Lighter
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---the guy doesn't SEE us, doesn't hear us, doesn't get us, doesn't care about us past how we make HIM feel, serve his needs, attend to his words, etc. It's a thin thing to feel that, even if there's other lovely distractions around the connection, and it's easy to pretend it's enough, but I find it just isn't. Eventually we're going to have to pay attention to ourselves, and get our own needs met. That usually doesn't go so well, IME. Not with the selfish ones, IME. Even if we do it without resentment... even if we embrace it with joy, and appropriate attention for the right reasons, it's usually a "thing" IME.
When to let the boundaries become more fluid, when to pull them in, and enforce them... cut bait and move on without judgment. It's not a good thing or a bad thing. It's just the way it was, and it's not the last thing. It's just what's happening on our way to what we're supposed to be doing.
I think our brains too easily get queasy, and confused, where our guts KNOW things, if we'd only listen. I wish it was easier to notice that confused dazed wishing and hoping mode, pull back, and engage intuition with economy of motion. Just cut to the chase. Save a lot of time.
--- End quote ---
I felt really encouraged reading this, because first, it's so well put and second, that IS what I did (finally!) with the writer. I didn't feel like BADDING or WRONGING him...just listened to my gut and acted accordingly. I didn't have to shame or slam him, just respectfully held to my own decision, acknowledging he had a different point of view. It felt good. Unfortunate that it took a panic attack to get me there, but the whole process was swift, if not smooth. And looking back a week or so, I have calm.
I also think perhaps my decision (which took 5 months, not 5 hours) about B. was good practice. It showed me that in my current life, maybe the decades of being without a partner were not wasted after all. I really have been thinking and learning for a very long time, from my mistakes.
xxoo
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, for what it's worth, I find weekends difficult. I need the quiet and the down time, as does son, so I purposely avoid making social arrangements or organising days out and concentrate instead on doing the boring but necessary household stuff and just resting. But I do find it boring and lonely and the phone remaining silent for the entire time weighs heavily on me sometimes. So I don't have any practical suggestions but I do understand how you feel :)
I think your anxiety over what Mr Right might think when he discovers your less than perfect self will diminish when you meet Mr Right. I think Mr Right, for you, will be so enamoured by your intelligence, your generosity, your creativity, your resourcefulness and all the hardships you have ridden through, that he won't give two hoots about your untidy bedroom or your lack of a filing system (as you wouldn't if the situation were reversed).
I think it's great that you didn't need to find something wrong with the writer - it just wasn't right and that's enough. No need for fault or blame, it just wasn't a good match and you told him calmly and kindly. Ten out of ten :) xx
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 27, 2019, 11:24:20 AM ---Hops, for what it's worth, I find weekends difficult. I need the quiet and the down time, as does son, so I purposely avoid making social arrangements or organising days out and concentrate instead on doing the boring but necessary household stuff and just resting. But I do find it boring and lonely and the phone remaining silent for the entire time weighs heavily on me sometimes. I think it's worse IF we frame it through the lense of the Facebook culture... ME ME ME ME WITH THIS CONNECTION ON THAT TRIP WITH THESE FRIENDS!all the time. We could be framing it as NOT having connections, for the sake of hearing the phone ring, hear people babble at us for non reciprocal attention, etc...bc that means we have the space, and calm in our lives to recognize a connection/person/people we DO want in our lives, assess it, and invite it in, or choose not to. My point is... the phone not ringing all the time isn't good or bad. It's not having the connections we desire, and if that means we STOP ourselves from allowing and inviting in the connections that we don't want, then it also means we're making ourselves available for what we truly desire, IMO. I'm not writing that out a third way; ) ::uncrossing eyes::. So I don't have any practical suggestions but I do understand how you feel :)
I think your anxiety over what Mr Right might think when he discovers your less than perfect self will diminish when you meet Mr Right. I think Mr Right, for you, will be so enamoured by your intelligence, your generosity, your creativity, your resourcefulness and all the hardships you have ridden through, that he won't give two hoots about your untidy bedroom or your lack of a filing system (as you wouldn't if the situation were reversed). I think deep connection is about loving someone's strengths, as well as their weaknesses. True connection prioritizes the strengths, and is patient and kind about all else, IME. When we pretend, have to act like someone else... that's a huge red flag, IME. It all goes back to desire, wishing and hoping, IMO. If we release expectation, we're free to BE our authentic selves, warts and all. Perhaps we showcase our strengths for dates, one, two and three, then, if this person is truly safe, and someone worthy of our trust, we venture into sharing our weaker side. Knowing when to share, and when not to, is important, IME. If we trust an unworthy person, then we can expect a certain kind of outcome, kwim?
I think it's great that you didn't need to find something wrong with the writer - it just wasn't right and that's enough. No need for fault or blame, it just wasn't a good match and you told him calmly and kindly. Ten out of ten :) xx
--- End quote ---
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