Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Winter Stuff
Hopalong:
This may not sound like it but is positive news:
Woke up in the midst of tachycardia at 3am and after calming, realized that I was having a panic attack due to: 1) being over-excited about meeting the writer and 2) how it actually felt with him (the red flags that were flapping but that I was trying not to receive).
Not blaming or villainizing him. But...given how I am made and my vulnerabilities, I realized he is too self-absorbed to be present or manifest interest in Real Listening or curiosity in my direction. And I can't do that. Been too "unheard" or unappreciated in too many relationships prior. He had a very tumultuous romantic history which he was willing to narrate for me (glad I invited him to, but it was his choice) for almost four hours. I got to talk a bit, but it was mostly All About Him.
He'd written me immediately without a word about his impression of me, or anything warm...just with an invite to spend 3 hours with him Sunday.
I pondered. Do not dislike him. Just had a strong intuition that entering into a real relationship with him would leave me starving for tender attention that I don't think he is capable of. So I wrote him an appreciative, gentle, non-blamey...NO, but thank you for the time and delightful storytelling. (Have one of his novels in my purse).
He wrote back: Knock me over with a feather, can't believe how much I misread you. And I thought...no...actually you didn't read me. Because you're kinda not seriously interested in anybody else's book.
Lesson learned and time not wasted and insights great. Then I got an email from a nice widowed professor who actually paid close attention to what I'd written in my profile and responded to it with warmth and respect. So...not allowed to pre-fantasize, but I'm looking forward to meeting him next.
I've heard and laughed about this expression more than once, and I swear it's the only mentally-healthy way to approach the ghastly automated mate-hunt online...Keep the line moving. For now (it only attracts me during winter lonelies)...I'm gonna!
love and thanks for listening to this nonsense--
Hops
lighter:
How's conversation with the professor going, Hops?
Just ride the waves as they come.
Lighter
Hopalong:
The professor, who's invited me to go to dinner on the 1st, is a hoot. At first I was annoyed (by email) when he kept demanding to see my poetry and was ready to dive in. I wasn't looking for a poetry coach (or his approval) and was baffled by his assumptions that Of Course I'd send him my writing! Just because he wanted to see it!
I finally sent him two poems (he ain't reading my novel). After he read the second one he freaked out in terms of being over-the-top enthusiastic, so I felt less intimidated (plus flattered, if I'm truthful). He's Costa Rican, a big-cheese scholar but not stuffy. In fact he's VERY intellectual but he expresses it with huge delight and vividness. Truly big, expansive personality. I lost track of how many languages.
I hope we get along in person because he's a breath of fresh air. TBD....! Men. Still fun though.
Today I started my new exercise program and am very happy about it. The atmosphere is like the anti-gym but with terrific, supportive and tuned-in staff. This is such a find for me. I had no idea that without some significant cardiac event one could qualify for a facility/program like this. It's out of pocket but just a little more than a gym membership. So I'll do it for a few months and then perhaps head back to the Y with renewed confidence. And it's literally 5 minutes from me.
Hope all is well,
Hops
Hopalong:
Buuuuuuuuuuuut...
After a week or so when I was all motivated to stay tidy, feeling those great NY feelings...I slipped back into immobility, sedentariness, slipped off healthy diet, the usual. (Starting next week the exercise sessions are scheduled and that will help. But oy, these weekends.)
I've been sitting with it. I think the triggers were the writer date and aftermath (just ending it, which I am sure was correct)...but maybe some disowned anxiety. IF, say, enthusiastic Perfesser is the same in person, and something began...
I have fears about a man discovering not the "pretty, public" parts of my house, but the two rooms (bedroom and office) where I close the doors and hide my chaos and really bad ADD evidence. My house is lovely and welcoming in its public parts (I let the kitchen go to chaos periodically but can clean it up...and do, before anybody comes over). I have the nice lady who gave me the upholstery fabric coming over tomorrow afternoon, and will have to do a big kitchen cleanup first. That's okay.
But today I had nothing in-person happening and have spent the ENTIRE day feeling somewhat negative about myself...hiding in media.
Just wanted to say it. It's my weekend MO. And yet next weekend, I'll be meeting someone new. Maybe my fears of that explain this retreat. Probably do.
Thanks for listening,
Hops
lighter:
Breath, Hops.
In 100 years, will it matter that there's discord in those two rooms?
::shaking head::.
Nope.
You're harder on yourself than the Professor would be, IMO. And..... IF YOU REALLY wanted to clean up and organize those spaces, you'd find a way. I think we don't bc it's SO difficult, and we have other things to do. Pulling apart our lives, editing, sorting, getting rid of emotionally charged things.... it's a major deal. Please don't pretend it's not. It is. You have other strengths, and the trade off is having weaker points. You're human.
You're a great person.
You're a great writer.
You care a lot, and you're going to be great company for this fella when you meet. Just don't overthink it, and stop beating yourself up. If your body wants to rest, then rest. Stop looking at it like it's a defeat, or something negative. It's just relaxing into the cycle. Have it. Without judgement. I swear it has a message for you.
Let us know how dinner with the Professor goes!
Lighter
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