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Winter Stuff

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lighter:
Bleck, the thought of responding to the writer's nutso outburst is screwing my face up, my ears are popping.  I don't think I would have responded.  I don't think I would have invited another word from him.  I believe I would have recoiled, like I was taking my hand out of a fire.

And sometimes it feels like I've had my hand in a fire, and it remembers that fire intimately.  Like it was just yesterday it was sizzling, and I couldn't get it out.... couldn't get OUT of a dangerous marriage situation, couldn't get safe, or keep my children safe.

So no.... I can't for a second stomach entitled, controlling male behavior towards women.  He's shown you who he is, and he's not a nice guy.  He's likely everything you fear he is.  My father used to say...
"think of the worst it can be, double it, then assume it's worse."

I think my father was very intuitive. 

About the professor.... his marching on with written correspondence, when you're requested a meeting before it continues, is a red flag.  I would hope you could address it, ask him if he understood the request, then question why he's been unable to honor that request... then listen to what he says BEFORE the face to face. 

Somehow it feels like he's a child, unable to understand, or answer for himself.  Is that how it feels to you, Hops?

In any case, he sharing high praise for your writing, and eager for your company.  I think he should be, and that you'll be as interesting face to face as you were in writing.  Enjoy the date, but remember that first red flag.  Don't explain it away.  He's a professor, yes, but he's intelligent, and a mature human being.

Don't let... "he's a professor type" be the first excuse you make for this man, Hops. 

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Hops, I think it's work too.

And I have enough on my plate to do, figure out, be/become, that I ain't interested in adding even a part-time "job" - or obligation - to my list. Perhaps the price of deciding to put myself (and my greater needs) first is being lonely sometimes. :shrug:

I used to tell Hol: "you have to kiss a lot toads before you find the magic frog"... and from the sounds of things, it still holds true. I can live with the fact that most men haven't done the kinds of deep dives we're familiar with. I can live the fact that their "needs" are so simple, and tend to be more physical than ours; but that means they also have a lot of unaddressed (unrecognized?) emotional needs.

I realize if they've made it to 60, and are still that way - then, nothing I can do or be will change that or educate him. So, then the question becomes:

he is the way he IS; can I live with that and be happy with that?

It simplifies the equation for me and atm, I just don't have the energy or emotional space for anything other than some genuine human conversation with some guy. I wouldn't waste my time going to meet him until I had SOME of that conversation FIRST. Just me and my druthers... and lack of trust in the intentions of people I don't really know and my ability to defend myself.

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---the woman needed to be fluid and fit in around what the man wanted
--- End quote ---

Well put, Tupp. That's female socialization in a nutshell. And attempts to break out of that shell, despite women's progress, can still be ruthlessly punished. I so wish all women and all people of color would form instant solidarity movements, and we'd fix the world. It's frustrating to see "minority" groups compete and battle and blame each other at times, when if they united, everything would change for the better.

I agree that it's tragic, when you meet intelligent capable women who rush to stash their own lights under bushels, they've internalized misogyny so well.


--- Quote ---I can't for a second stomach entitled, controlling male behavior towards women.  He's shown you who he is, and he's not a nice guy.  He's likely everything you fear he is.
--- End quote ---


I hear you, Lighter, and I think you are absolutely right about the writer guy. Thanks for saying this so directly: "He's not a nice guy." I picked up his mystery novel today, flipped through, and realized I couldn't enjoy reading it, knowing what I know about the character of the author. Into the recycling bag it went!

Fortunately, I haven't heard another peep from him, so I don't think I'll have to deal with him any more. And also fortunately, not without a little bit of struggle during our back and forth, I realize I really don't care what he thinks. (About the professor, so far I don't see him as a child...but definitely in a bubble. More tk...)


--- Quote ---Perhaps the price of deciding to put myself (and my greater needs) first is being lonely sometimes.
--- End quote ---


I completely understand this, Amber. And most of the time, you don't sound lonely. Deeply engaged with your daughter, your farm, and some friends. I still hope you'll find new (unmarried and 3D) company sometime IF a time rolls around that you want it. And if you don't find the need becomes compelling enough, well, that's one of the wise things about you...you won't deceive your self about it.

If you were asked, What is the purpose of the farm and all its projects? What would you say?

Time for professor report. He is nice! Good things: He's very warm-hearted, speaks of his family (including mother and sister, crucial) with great affection, loved his parents and siblings and cousins and grew up in security and with copious love and support. Though I fantasized he might be macho since he's from Costa Rica, he was just born there to American parents. Very well to do family so he also grew up with lots of security. I don't know when I've met someone so grounded. Reminds me in one way of my Dad, also from an affluent family, who had the comfort and security that enable him to develop great ease with himself and with others because they always knew without one doubt that they were completely welcome in the world. In my Dad's case, he also had wonderful values and treated everyone else as though they were welcome too, so he was much loved. I have a sense that might be true of the professor too.

Less good things: It may have been nerves (I think I'm the first post-widowhood date, or perhaps the second) but he really really really doesn't seem to be able to stop the intellectualizing. To turn off professor mode and just be in the moment. His head is STUFFED with references and knowledge and names of writers and political figures in so many cultures I lost track. He's clearly a brilliant scholar. So that was both dazzling and frustrating, because he kept cutting me off. Never rudely, just as though he couldn't get out of his own head for very long to focus on my stories. Though he did calm down and listen with feeling when I told him about my D. He spoke several times about how sad it was and how I'm basically alone w/o family. Not with pity but with real empathy...and that's back to what felt good.

He said, I'm looking for friendship, companionship and empathy. That sounds very nice, and we did get along. But I wondered if he meant "and nothing else." In that case, I'd aim for occasional friendship activities, but need to be careful of my heart. He is special enough that I sense it could become more for me.

Big deal. In a year and a half when he retires, he plans to move to the other side of the continent where his sons/grandchildren are. He doesn't know how he'd deal with full retirement (he absolutely loves his work, and is clearly super engaged) and when a friend at a famous university in the Bay area said, then come here and be an adjunct professor! He thought, that's my answer. He's not concerned about income, clearly, but said he doesn't want to be cut off from being surrounded by the young. He loves loves loves teaching and is driven and excited by his work: many books, international travel and speaking engagements, guest lectures, etc.

So, for personal reasons, I do not want to fantasize. But here's one: I could happily live in the Bay area during winter. But I cannot at this point imagine a permanent move. So I might be setting myself up for hurt and loss and feeling uprooted, which I would hate...if I allowed something to grow.

There's definitely a heart-level availability and liking, I on both our parts. But he's a big personality with big plans and I can't see quite how that would affect me.

He said he'd like to see me again and I said okay. We'll make plans later.

I think everything except moving to California felt possible. I'll find out more about how the nonstop professorizing goes. I did gently stop him a couple times and he took it well. I said once wait, let me finish this story. And he said, I talk too much. And I asked, do you mind being halted or reminded? And he goes, No! I said, I think it might be necessary. I think he welcomed it...that he doesn't mean to be a fountain, and has trouble stopping it on his own. But sheesh, that could get a little tiring. At one point he zoomed back into scholar mode and I said, I like your mind but I've heard so much about your intellectual life, and I would like to know who you are as a person. He went, oh, personally? And then told me about his childhood, family, marriages. (#1 ended in divorce, 20 some years, sounded quite unhappy. #2 he adored and was very happy with for 14 years until her death.)

I can't know much more until we've seen each other again. And I'm aware of a little vulnerability here. I wonder how he'll respond to some more direct questions, that I'd like to ask him next time. Like, if you became involved with a woman here who was important to you, would that have any effect on your move? Would you be open to a bi-coastal life for a while? And, do you have any interest in marrying again? (Or maybe it'll be better for me just to speak about myself, as in: although I'd love to be a snowbird and travel, I have deep roots where I am that matter to me. And...(I'd say this soon, pre-attachment: I do want to marry again. It's a dream I never realized and I want a chance for that level of happiness. I don't want to wake up when I'm 80 and realize I'm alone for good.)

So, that's that so far. Very interesting and kind of exciting evening, but...much at stake, maybe. BTW, he's cute, too. A little pudgy but very relaxed about how we are...I do find him attractive. Even talked about my thinning hair which didn't seem to deter him at all. I told him I was going to be bald and that I was happy he isn't tall. He laughed. Seemed really, truly focused on character and human things.

Plus he knows Henry Louis Gates. I'm a fangirl.

Thanks for reading,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hops, he sounds nice :)  It sounds like a nice evening and he sounds like good company.  A friend of mine is with a guy who reels off endless facts and figures about all sorts of things - mind like a computer.  When I first met him it really grated on me, but he's so lovely and such a sweet, kind hearted soul that I find it endearing now.  My friend cuts across him when it's getting too much, as you did with your chap, and in the early days she felt a bit worried that she might become more like his mum (because of having to 'manage' him like that) but as time went on she found all his lovely traits really outweighed that.  Conversely, he gives her a bit of a boot up the backside because she's a real procrastinator and spends a lot of time thinking about what she ought to be doing whilst doing something else, lol, so he gives her a bit of a practical poke when necessary and it works well for them.  I understand your anxieties about the what ifs but am also glad that he seems so nice and I'm hoping date number two will be a nice one as well :) xx

sKePTiKal:
That sounds like fun Hops! I understand your focus on marriage, but in the meantime, why not just enjoy being around such an interesting person?

OH... and I think you're best off to talk about your feelings, what you want ultimately, from the "I" position. It won't spook guys as quickly, and helps remind ourselves, that the dance is also about us ladies getting what we want, too.

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