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Relationship/s

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lighter:
It's good you're not wasting any time trying to figure out IF a guy is more or less than he appears to be, Tupp.

Lighter

Hopalong:
I thought about chemist guy's Plan B explanation for a week or so, then realized what I needed to do. Wasn't angry, just something was bothering me about how sweetly and supportively and kindly I'd instantly accepted his plan.

Still did/do completely support his right to be where he is, and appreciated his candor in saying so (though that was only after I'd sensed something was off, and asked). Anyway, I decided about a week ago to write him one last time to tell him I'd realized it wasn't best for me to leave things quite as described. And my request was that if he does get back in touch it be because he genuinely would like to get to know me better, not just because there's a "position vacant." No response but I didn't need one. It was as though I was writing that for me, not him. For a change.

My T nearly did a cartwheel when I told her this, bouncing in her chair. I think we've gradually gotten it through my skull that I've taken on a whole lot of unequal or over-accomodating relationships in my past, because early experience taught me I was supposed to take care of everybody and perhaps I learned to neglect myself.

Seems sort of basic, a self esteem thing. But I'm glad things like that are coming more clear for me. I think right now, "Relationships" is just about connecting and having deeper conversations and doing more to bring myself into the orbits of other people, regardless of gender. Just on faith that I need more social fuel to keep me alive.

Sun's coming into the bedroom window. Morning is beautiful. Crows gathered to yell at me so I scattered peanuts out front. They're so funny. "The diner's open!"

hugs
Hops

lighter:
::twirling in the sun::.

No crows, but I'm thinking if them happily hanging in your yard, Hops.

I'm right there with your T....
::twirling again::.

Yes.

Lighter

Hopalong:
I love the ways things/moments can be two things at once. As long as I SEE it.

Backstory: Holiday period. Tough time to be "alone in the world." But I was weathering it. Y'all may recall my happiness over my NY card, with its amazing pic of Pooch in sunbeams.

I had one left and was pondering: who'd enjoy this? Wellll, partly I'm sure out of the loneliness of the period, a little nostalgia, plus some what-the-hell -- I sent the last one to M. (He really adored Pooch and when I ended things with him, I felt sad about that part.)

Sure enough, I get an immediate email thanking me profusely for the "unexpected and very welcome" beautiful card blah blah (my message was just wishing you well, hope you'll have a great 2023 but the effect was a trigger for him). And he invites me for "dinner and wine" -- usual MO. And says he'd meant to reply with great new pix of his Gdtr (the newborn I fell in love with when he took me to CA to meet the family, who welcomed me as though I was already the kids' grandma).

I reply that getting together isn't a good idea for me, because it'd be "too painful" to revisit that loss but I (and Pooch) wish him well!

He writes again all about his decision to move to CA, which was his exact plan when we met. And a dazzling description of the house he's bought there, 20 minutes from his family. (Remember when I'd agreed to sell my house, leave my home, and join him in a new life there?)

I write back I'm happy for him, just where he needs to be, and congrats on his new home. Buh-bye. But I won't visit because that'd be "too painful" (to revisit the lost dream).

Anyway, in total, I say the words "too painful" in three messages. He ignores that each time and writes something charming and cheery. Writes me again that if I want to visit him just let him know, any time. I write back, no, it'd be "too painful" to hang with his family again, given how things turned out. But I'm happy for him.

He replies, "Just tell me anytime you'd like to visit me..." etc.

My last reply was one word:
"Nope."

Then I blocked his email address and moved on. But I was upset and anxious for several days just from the interaction. Taught me a lot. When a boundary is important for your health or healing, don't poke little holes in it! Feel fine now.

Hugs,
Hops

lighter:
Curse those painful reminders, Hops.

You wanted to share a sunny pooch photo and kind thought.

M can't hear a word you're saying, no matter how direct and clear you are.  He just can't.
 
This is practice for your head and heart.  Another lesson and that's ok.

Blicking him seemed wise.

Lighter

 

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