Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
sKePTiKal:
Non-sequitor alert:
Lighter - that's a magnificent bit of knowing you shared there - and extremely helpful, even for me.
Hops: Holly is my "verbal bulldozer". (I'm so stealing that.) And the truth is, it kinda hurts, feels a little like a betrayal and it DOES make me doubt/question myself when the words are about me; how she's perceiving me (rightly or wrongly).
So, yes; I've done what Lighter described above and gotten a little more clarity about how I've left myself open for that and how much salt I need to add to it, when it comes at me.
Hopalong:
Exhausting evening with M.
Started with a neighborhood walk. M wants to hold my hand, always. I generally don't enjoy holding his hand while we walk because our strides are so out of sync. His is shorter and I've usually got my dog on the leash. She and I have walked together for years and are kind of tuned to each other. I let her sniff-stop sometimes but urge her on others; have learned how to keep moving with her enough for her to be enjoying it and me too. Mainly, though, holding hands with M is difficult because his movements are jerky and he constantly fiddles with my hand. He doesn't mean it to be irritating but it is. I feel like a human fidget spinner. (M mentioned once that he likely has ADHD, fwiw.)
So many times when we walk, if my back feels even a bit out of balance, I choose not to hold hands because in my experience, it results ultimately in a sore back. I explain that gently. He forgets. I also have been thinking a lot about being more relaxed and calm, since the stroke. Wearing the monitor again does keep that on my mind. This itchy thing glued to my chest. So what I was looking forward to was just walking peacefully, enjoying the air and light, talking about anything or hopefully for SOME of the time, not talking.
M talked nonstop. I wasn't very responsive. So he began "teasing." Nonstop nonsequitors, just filling the air with comments and aiming his attention at me nonstop until I felt again...badgered. I tried to follow what he was saying but he was saying a lot of nonsense. I wasn't angry or pissy but just wasn't in a bantering mood. So he escalated, began jabbering things that made no sense. He kept saying when I'd ask a question to try to follow it, "I'm just TEASING you! I'm only JOKING!" The walk wasn't fun. I read too much teasing as screened anger, and am sure it was.
Then we took the dog home and drove downtown to meet our friends for dinner and a movie. I felt tuned out, and the hold-my-hand expectation came on again. I said I wanted to not hold hands because it was so hot, and I felt sticky. He looked offended and argued about it. We're still walking, my back is tensing.
By dinner I was relieved to have other people to focus on. M tried to dominate the conversation and two of my friends would not take the bait. They kept talking and laughing but didn't make him the center of attention. He looked confused and I felt badly but also didn't feel like soothing him.
At the start of the movie I did something I starting doing months ago every time we see a movie. Leaned over and said to him in a tender way, "Although I won't be holding your hand during the movie, I love you and I'm glad to be here with you." During the film he kept looking over and over at my hands and arms. I wound up clamping them in my lap, sensing nonstop that he was ill at ease because we weren't touching. I tried to enjoy the movie, mostly did. He liked it too. Near the end he reached for my hand again but I was concentrating on following the dialogue so didn't take it. (Plus, I had told him I didn't want to.) He withdrew his hand looking hurt. (Wrote me later how much rejection hurts.)
On the way home tension just built. At my house he again did his new "test" -- plaintively, may I have a hug before the evening is over? (We had hugged when he arrived but I wasn't touching him during our walk.) I said of course you can. And I hugged him when we got to my place. Then the next test--may I escort you to your door? I said, as I had before, No thank you.
He writes me an email about how hurt he is and how rejected he feels and how there must be physical affection and on and on and on. I write back about how I just wanted to feel peaceful and relaxed and that it's something I'm working on within myself, etc etc. And that sometimes I'm very affectionate and playful and other times I'm just in a quieter mood, thinking my own thoughts, but it's not to reject him, it's just a variation of mood. That I'd like to be able to have that inner stillness in his company at times.
Long story shorter, we write emails and he seems to make my physical availability a referendum on being loved and he expresses many complaints about rejection when I'm not in that frame of mind.
I think, largely because of coaching here, I got across how I feel when he's criticizing my inadequate displays of affection, or letting him walk me to the door, etc etc. He acts almost like a crossing guard, with lots of "child instructions" like, Be careful! Okay, cross now. I'm sure it's well intentioned, cultural and formal as he was trained to do. For me, walking through the world for decades on my own, it's maddening to try to adjust to.
And beneath that is just his huge neediness. He said just don't make me feel you don't care. I explained that I don't MAKE him feel his emotions; he reacts to his own experiences in his own ways just as I do. And told him repeatedly that I love him, and I've just been in a quieter mood lately. I've been doing a lot of introspection since the stroke and I have told him repeatedly that I feel I need to relax more.
I wound up writing long emails last night and woke to another complaint about how hurt he is when I don't feel like being touched. I wrote him a long thing about how I love him very much but don't feel I can do the job of reassuring him adequately, but am very hopeful that in our couple counseling, we'll learn ways to talk about it and navigate it that will help us both get our needs met. And then I sent him a meditation from YouTube on feeling rejected by others. It ends with an image with big red letters that say: feeling rejected is not about love for the other person.
I've also asked if I could come over later today. I had promised him we'd meet and talk whenever we're having a hard time and I want to do it if he does.
Whew and whew. It's sad to me, because the other night at dinner we had a wonderful, peaceful conversation. M said he understood much better why I'd seemed more withdrawn lately, felt reconnected to me and now he was "grounded." But one evening when I'm not hugging, touching and laughing and he's completely unmoored again.
I do have to be strong in order to help him the way Lighter described. I think I managed that as best I could. But I'm also concerned that his resentment and habitual focus on getting me to make him feel better will just escalate. I'll find out later when I see him next. He may be getting angry but not want to own that.
Thanks for listening, y'all. I'm okay but shoulders are tense and I want to get my mind off him and be in the present, enjoy a quiet day, and relax. Hope it's possible.
hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
We're meeting Wednesday evening.
That's better, gives me a few days to focus (and I see my T tomorrow).
I'll ask her to help me prepare.
I've even thought of doing an abbreviated list that I wrote here -- the thing about the personal space/autonomy that I feel he violates. But I sense that'd be a bad idea. He told me as he pieced together things with his T today he felt more upset than ever.
I don't know if what feels threatening to me is "right" or fair but it struck me as an illuminating pattern.
Hops
lighter:
Golly, Hops. That update makes me tired for you, but also hopeful M will figure this thing out.
He can grasp concepts! That's HUGE. He can find his center.
Sure it goes in and out of focus, but that's to be expected, particularly when he's under stress. That's how these things go, IME.
When he's found ways to calm himself, he'll have more time and ability to choose his responses, rather than react to what he interprets as threats. As he gets more consistent with calming himself, he'll have more choice.
Maybe he can help you choose a code word to gently remind him when he's losing the thread that's meant to bind the two of you? Maybe he'll need to be looked gently in the eye, and touched on the arm, or some physical connection, but reminded he's off track, still loved, and accepted for who he is. His default settings will be difficult to change, but change them he must.
You guys are swinging back and forth. Your need for space sends him into a spin, so he closes the distance, and clutches physically ONTO your person, which sends you spinning, so you pull farther away, and he gets needier. This isn't working, we all agree.
I've been the runner, and the clutcher. They both come from very deep place inside, IME.
I'm hoping this T can help you walk in each other's shoes. Relationships are hard work. Why would we ever assume they're less work than any project worthy of completion. They all take time, and energy. This will get harder, but then easier. New habits will be understood, digested, and worked on till eventually cemented in place, IME. Think in terms of 3 months to effect lasting change if M is really working with you. Try to conjure up the things you like about M when you're most challenged.
The T should give you guys a workable framework to DO this work... I hope.
I'd consider asking M for permission to forward your shared e mails to the T as background before the first appointment. It will also be more productive, IMO, than M blathering on in the first session with his POV, which you have to listen to.
Maybe set a 2 hour appointment that first time. You each get 30 minutes alone, then an hour together? Or not? Make sure there's a little noise machine outside the door. You should be very honest, and get to the heart... I think. I don't really know, but I see it a certain way, and I share: )
I admit, I'm working on issues with anger and sadness over a confusing relationship in my life right now. I've spent months being puzzled by my huge overreactions to something I shouldn't be angry about. I'm tracing my anger and sadness back to older wounds, (and some codependence) and it's helping me discharge the anger, and process that sadness. I'm not through, but I'm honestly relieved, today, to have just gotten started. For months I'd ask myself why this THING was SO EMOTIONALLY CHARGED FOR ME????!!!?? I had to take up pen, and paper and write it out, then attend to the feelings in my body, and follow them up to where they originated.
I still have to "talk" with my friend, but at least I'm feeling better in my body... not huge feelings overwhelming me. Once I distill it down, understand it better myself, I'll share it with the friend, then steel myself for her truth. Relationships are hard work.
I guess that's where you guys are now.
I'm breathing for you, Hops. You remember to breathe too.
It'll be OK.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter.
I offered him a lot of reassurance via email and repeated I'm ready for The Work. Reminded him of what you said (or maybe that was Tupp) -- that couples who do this hard work together can wind up stronger and more bonded. He replied he felt much better than he knows I'm ready to engage and am not withdrawing. So that's good.
I think one day at a time. I don't think I'll try to structure the couples counseling but let the professional guide us in whatever system their experience tells them works. And hope for the best result. We're a bit away from that as we don't have our first appointments for a while. Hanging in, meanwhile.
I'm sorry you're bumping into a painful thing that's not quite resolved in your life. But very impressed with how clearly you're looking at it, and taking tools out of the toolbox that's been so useful to you, to use while navigating through it.
Hugs
Hops
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