Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
I'm glad M and I are going to do this counseling. Still waiting on second appointment, but the more I think about her, the more I sense it'll probably be the first person we saw. I like her. Talked over the whole weird-word incident with my own T and she seemed to feel good about how I described the couples-T. How she'd behaved during the session, how attuned she was to each of our behaviors, etc. That was reassuring.
I think it's going to be possible, whomever we see, for me to describe the impact of M's sort of overwhelming verbal and manic behavior on me, and how despite truly loving him, I also associate him with a lot of extra stress. I think he'll try to tone it down once I learn comfortable ways to assert my need for him to. He has reacted very well most of the time.
I'm feeling the need to get across to him how strongly I feel the need to reduce emotional stress, and ask him to be my ally and supporter in that. I have a heart issue and post-stroke stuff I'm still thinking and worrying about, and it'd help if he'd try to contribute calm. He thrives on nonstop stimulation and excitement but I know he has another channel, too. You can't write 17 books unless you know how to be still.
Anyhow, tonight we're doing dinner with friends and then a political event with a national journalist, in the renovated huge old cinema I went to as a child that always feels magical to me. I'm looking forward to it. (The place has the old-school lit-up marquee with a thousand lights. Grand interior. Sill love it.)
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
I'm very behind on posts, Hops, so just starting to catch up and I wondered, might you and M be able to sign up to some sort of relaxing/no talking type activity? Yoga, tai chi, singing classes, a drumming group, just something that's known to bring stress levels down and where talking is just not part of what's on offer? I wondered if it might be something you could try alongside the therapy sessions - it would mean you know you get at least an hour with M without him speaking :) And I wondered if him getting into something that is more about how he feels on the inside rather than how he projects himself to other people (which I guess is what the constant talking is all about?) might just calm him down a bit and help him see he can be wonderful and lovely without needing to talk constantly :)
The T does sound good; I was a bit taken aback when you said she said you looked "snooty" (I'd have been offended by that!) but it's good that you were able to talk and see that she perhaps just didn't choose the right word (easy enough to do, even when using your first language, never mind your second).
The old cinema sounds amazing, have a lovely, lovely time :) xx
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
I appreciate the idea as it's a good one.
I did mention doing meditation together at one point and he was receptive.
After he heard about my exercise class he joined, it became sort of his baby and I dropped out.
My great preference would be for him to learn and practice meditation on his own. He's so eager to do things with me that it becomes about that. And I would probably find his presence distracting.
We could try it at one of our homes a couple times, with a recording or video, and see how it goes...
It's a good thought. And thank you for it! (Don't worry about being "behind" -- we're all up to our collarbones in life and it happens to all of us.)
Hugs,
Hops
lighter:
Hmmm...
silent couples activities.
Salt cave?
Silent retreat? I bet a silent retreat (very short one) would kick start the meditation routine.
As long as M is receptive, and positive, and participating.... it's all good: )
Lighter
Hopalong:
Well, this is a different take, odd but kind of neat.
Remember how I've mentioned that M's restless hands drive me crazy, his fingers always twiddling and jumping so that it's unpleasant for me to hold hands with him?
Just on a hunch I ordered him one of these and loves the thing!
https://www.fidgetland.com
He had it with him at a recent event we went to and kept it busy the whole time and genuinely seems to benefit. He even mentioned to me that he "tries so hard" to remember not to grab my hand and the fiddler has helped. He laughs about it but I was surprised he actually had it on hand. And his little comment made me recognize that he really isn't being purposefully oblivious but actually struggles.
I think maybe he's had the hyperactive kind of ADD his whole life and never been helped at all with it. He also clearly has the hyper-focus part, which helps his career...and maybe some more ADD techniques will ease some of the manic behavior I find so challenging.
He's joked about it a lot but seems ironically delighted I got it for him.
Hops-a-D....D
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