Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on October 10, 2019, 11:38:16 PM ---Well, this is a different take, odd but kind of neat.
Remember how I've mentioned that M's restless hands drive me crazy, his fingers always twiddling and jumping so that it's unpleasant for me to hold hands with him?
Just on a hunch I ordered him one of these and loves the thing!
https://www.fidgetland.com
He had it with him at a recent event we went to and kept it busy the whole time and genuinely seems to benefit. He even mentioned to me that he "tries so hard" to remember not to grab my hand and the fiddler has helped. He laughs about it but I was surprised he actually had it on hand. And his little comment made me recognize that he really isn't being purposefully oblivious but actually struggles.
I think maybe he's had the hyperactive kind of ADD his whole life and never been helped at all with it. He also clearly has the hyper-focus part, which helps his career...and maybe some more ADD techniques will ease some of the manic behavior I find so challenging.
He's joked about it a lot but seems ironically delighted I got it for him.
Hops-a-D....D
--- End quote ---
Hops my son used to leap around a lot when we were out walking - I used to put rocks in his backpack because it calmed his system down. Perhaps you could try it with M :) Lol, only kidding, the fidget thing sounds like a great idea. It made me wonder if M (and you!) might benefit from an assessment with someone who specialises in sensory difficulties? I don't know what you would call someone like that in the States; they are few and far between in the UK but virtually all of my son's problems are sensory in their origins and the advice we've had about ways to help calm his system and keep him level have been really helpful. Just thought I would mention it in case it helps; I'm glad the fidget thing has helped and that he was happy you got it for him. I guess it's a sign to him that you really want things to work and are trying to find ways to make that happen, which would make anyone happy :) xx
lighter:
That's a really great thought, Tupp. Sometimes we spend time focused on a problem, and can't see the forest for the trees. Finding a cause seems like the logical place to start with any issue we're trying to solve, IME.
Hops, what a wonderful gesture. To offer a concrete act of care in your mission of support for the relationship, and M's struggle.
I'm a big fan of being proactive, particularly with childcare, and soothing ourselves in adulthood.
I have things to occupy my hands when in public, traffic, in the house.... so does my sister.
Some people bite their nails, fidget, etc.
We can be life learners if we're able to look honestly at what's working and what needs tweaked.
I think M knows you're a tremendous asset and partner, Hops.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, guys. You are so thoughtful and supportive, it blows my mind.
I think I won't explore new kinds of "treatment" or "evaluation" for M at this point, mainly because I've already got the poor man into two kinds of therapy -- his own T, and soon our couples T.
But gradually it might be useful to give him more info on ADHD (not that he couldn't look it up himself...). I generally don't want to direct his personal growth or visualize him as a project, but as long as he is this open and motivated, I can share comments and observations ... and fidget devices! If I mention those things, like sensory processing and ADHD a bit more...maybe he'll bring something up in his own work with his own T.
What's fascinating about M is his actual brilliance, and how that has driven a remarkable career. The couple-T we met on Monday asked him some astute questions, including who was the favorite (ie, "golden") child in your family? M immediately said, I was. And M spoke about the extreme privilege he grew up with.
He was the only one who broke away from the family expectation that he become a bigwig in one of the largest businesses in Central America. He went off to be a scholar and took that all the way to the top. He said his father once told him, You had the courage to do what I never could. And his sister said similar things.
One thing I love is that in both of these exploratory couple-T sessions, I've spoken very openly and descriptively about my observations and reactions to M, and painting his frustrating qualities vividly. And yet there is no blowback whatsoever from M afterward. He seems glad to hear what I actually think, and motivated to understand. He has immense learning capacity and never reacts negatively, even when I describe behaviors I think would be hard to hear about in front of a stranger.
So I'm feeling better about our prospects these days. He's coming over tonight for an indoor picnic and flick.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on October 12, 2019, 01:03:47 PM ---Thanks, guys. You are so thoughtful and supportive, it blows my mind.
I think I won't explore new kinds of "treatment" or "evaluation" for M at this point, mainly because I've already got the poor man into two kinds of therapy -- his own T, and soon our couples T.
But gradually it might be useful to give him more info on ADHD (not that he couldn't look it up himself...). I generally don't want to direct his personal growth or visualize him as a project, but as long as he is this open and motivated, I can share comments and observations ... and fidget devices! If I mention those things, like sensory processing and ADHD a bit more...maybe he'll bring something up in his own work with his own T.
What's fascinating about M is his actual brilliance, and how that has driven a remarkable career. The couple-T we met on Monday asked him some astute questions, including who was the favorite (ie, "golden") child in your family? M immediately said, I was. And M spoke about the extreme privilege he grew up with.
He was the only one who broke away from the family expectation that he become a bigwig in one of the largest businesses in Central America. He went off to be a scholar and took that all the way to the top. He said his father once told him, You had the courage to do what I never could. And his sister said similar things.
One thing I love is that in both of these exploratory couple-T sessions, I've spoken very openly and descriptively about my observations and reactions to M, and painting his frustrating qualities vividly. And yet there is no blowback whatsoever from M afterward. He seems glad to hear what I actually think, and motivated to understand. He has immense learning capacity and never reacts negatively, even when I describe behaviors I think would be hard to hear about in front of a stranger.
So I'm feeling better about our prospects these days. He's coming over tonight for an indoor picnic and flick.
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
I think you're wise not to force him into too many things, Hops, it is hard to find the line between helping and creating a project, as you say. It's so lovely tor read that the sessions are going well (from the point of view that they aren't causing animosity between you afterwards). The indoor picnic sounds lovely, I hope you both had a really good time :) xx
lighter:
Hops:
How did the picnic go? If anyone watched VICTORIA, there was a fireside picnic for the King and Queen after they were lost, then found by an Irish couple who took them in, not realizing who they were, fed them by the fire, and gave them their little peasant bed for night.
When Victoria returned to England she had a little fireside picnic with Albert to bring back the simplicity, and joy of those moments
.
I hope yours was every inch as enchanting, Hops. IMHO creating these kinds of memories is the best.
Lighter
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