Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
CB123:
Your comment about the giddyness and overstimulation making conversation difficult, is interesting, Hops.
Do you have a handle on what is behind that? You know I have seen that kind of thing sometimes in my kids. Do you feel like he is just like that with you, or with everyone?
Pretty wise of you two to have a way to work this out with professional early on.
CB
Hopalong:
CB, I honestly think it's the H in ADHD.
(I have the A and two Ds, but rarely the H part.)
M is a whirlwind at times. In the earlier part of our relationship, he was very anxious and hyper and ... giddy. I think he didn't know what to make of me but felt desperate after his huge loss to not lose me.
Since recent months, we've settled into a layer of commitment where he's calmed down, trusts my commitment is real if not quite as complete as his. And over time I've also communicated to him how that manic freaked-out stuff (which I think he thought was entertaining) was actually shredding my nerves. I think he was so caught up in his own feelings that it actually took him quite a while to observe that this over-the-top pursuit and over-reaction to Every Single Thing was not flattering me, it was overwhelming me.
The automatic fill-the-air-with-words (fear of silence) is still there, but better lately. It feels miraculous but I'm enjoying him more and more.
Thanks for asking, hon!
Hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
I had wedged the following into a reply on Farm Life, then realized it goes here. It's NOT anywhere near as true now -- M's behaving so much more naturally than he was when he was full-tilt compulsively-obey-fearsome-dead-grandmother's-formalities. I'm much more able to relax (less defensive) with some of his gentility reflexes (mostly on display in others' view). But I amused myself with these metaphors so what the heck:
....I trip over "protectiveness" in M's manly-Latin-man persona, just because it irritates me to bits. That's because unless I'm actually hurt or incapable, I don't NEED it, and it's like a reminder (in my case) of his need to display that he's the strong one, and I need "ushering" (errr, herding) to the table in a restaurant, to wait like a sheep beside the mare (err, chair) or gelding (errr, car door) until he scrambles around to grab the bridle (errrr, chair back/door handle), or to have the saddle cinched (errr, chair pulled out/reins taken) in case I was unaware that's how a horse (err, chair/car) actually works, despite my having arrived on my own (errr, feet on sidewalk/own butt in driver's seat) in the first place.
All my emoticons here are busted so visualize multi LOLs....and yes, I KNOW his intentions are pure and good. It's cultural stuff. What's fun is it's becoming more interesting than irritating with time. And he's beginning to notice how unconscious it is, himself. We still do the ballet but he's less often nearly-knocking-me-down in his devotion to every step of All The Rituals. (He's also seeing I do understand his intentions are not malign. Hardly.)
lighter:
I'm glad you're feeling less defensive about all the formality, Hops. My Step Father was all about that, in some ways.... it was very nice.
I never warmed to being eyeballed at the dinner table, waiting for children's mistakes to be pointed out, and condemned.
But the car door opening, allowing a gentleman to lead in a restaurant when there's no one to seat us..... that was just OK by me. It felt special.... like warmth, and care and love.
I have to say it's annoying to wait for a door to be opened if I can get it over with more quickly, and get on, but there are kindnesses, and respect intended, IME.
I have a little time for those things, still.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 21, 2019, 12:56:20 PM ---I had wedged the following into a reply on Farm Life, then realized it goes here. It's NOT anywhere near as true now -- M's behaving so much more naturally than he was when he was full-tilt compulsively-obey-fearsome-dead-grandmother's-formalities. I'm much more able to relax (less defensive) with some of his gentility reflexes (mostly on display in others' view). But I amused myself with these metaphors so what the heck:
....I trip over "protectiveness" in M's manly-Latin-man persona, just because it irritates me to bits. That's because unless I'm actually hurt or incapable, I don't NEED it, and it's like a reminder (in my case) of his need to display that he's the strong one, and I need "ushering" (errr, herding) to the table in a restaurant, to wait like a sheep beside the mare (err, chair) or gelding (errr, car door) until he scrambles around to grab the bridle (errrr, chair back/door handle), or to have the saddle cinched (errr, chair pulled out/reins taken) in case I was unaware that's how a horse (err, chair/car) actually works, despite my having arrived on my own (errr, feet on sidewalk/own butt in driver's seat) in the first place.
All my emoticons here are busted so visualize multi LOLs....and yes, I KNOW his intentions are pure and good. It's cultural stuff. What's fun is it's becoming more interesting than irritating with time. And he's beginning to notice how unconscious it is, himself. We still do the ballet but he's less often nearly-knocking-me-down in his devotion to every step of All The Rituals. (He's also seeing I do understand his intentions are not malign. Hardly.)
--- End quote ---
That did make me laugh, Hops. I'm glad that you're finding it more interesting than irritating as time goes on. I do know what you mean. I'm not a fan of 'fluff' - the unnecessary stuff. I like people who will muck in and help out. If I'm under the weather, come and cut the grass - I don't want flowers. And yes, the man stuff - please do deal with the spiders and go up in the loft but yes, I can open the car door myself lol. I don't know what I'd do if man rushed to open a car door for me, I don't think that sort of thing is quite so usual here? I'm struggling to think of a time a man did that for me (unless I had an armload of stuff to carry which, as you say, is when you do need someone to open the door for you). Maybe we've knocked that out of British men lol xx
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