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Relationship/s
Hopalong:
I just wrote him a calm, reassuring message.
His silly question had been: Are you my girlfriend?
I told him yes, I hadn't disappeared, shared a little about my experience with anxiety, and expressed great faith in him that if he enters therapy with courage and endures the whirlwind inside himself, he may have fulfillment and peace he's never had. For the rest of his life.
I wrote, I love you and I needed time alone. I always will.
He wrote back that I have extraordinary EQ, have helped him so much, etc etc. He sounded calmer. Repeated his plan to enter therapy.
So in the moment, it's better. I need to be willing to sacrifice enough of my self-time to offer at least that much reassurance. It's challenging, though. Sets off my own anxieties too so self-management of that becomes critical.
xo
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, I think you need to be careful. This popped out at me:
"I need to be willing to sacrifice enough of my self time to offer at least that much reassurance".
I will be blunt - I mean this in a loving way! You shouldn't need to be willing to sacrifice your self time to offer him reassurance - particularly as you only need the self time because he's been so OTT and you shouldn't need to be reassuring him about anything - he has no reason to doubt you, your feelings or anything else. This whirlwind has been completely in his mind and hasn't come from you. I'm not happy that he's not hearing your "No". I know it isn't a direct no, but you've made it clear that you want a couple of days to yourself and he's ignored your need for the sake of his own. He's saying you're not being direct with him when you've been nothing but direct, but he's chosen to ignore your direct statements (I need a couple of days to myself), says he understands (either he doesn't understand , in which case he shouldn't say he does, or he does but he's ignoring what you need anyway).
You do have extraordinary EQ and I'm sure you have helped him a lot - but that shouldn't be at the expense of your own peace, calm, anxiety and so on. It worries me that he's not letting you have time away from him. It's good that he's made an appointment for therapy (has he made an appointment? Actually booked, first meeting scheduled?). But therapy can stir up a whole melting pot of hideousness, as we all know, can go on for years (as we also all know) and can be very difficult for the people around us to deal with as we deal with all our stuff.
With a heavy heart, I would say proceed with caution (which I know you will anyway, oh wise one :) ). I'm concerned that there's been such a big change in such a short period of time - from tutus and lovely meals and exotic trips away to him not being able to cope with being on his own for five minutes. It seems a big shift and it makes me wonder if there's an underlying mental health issue of some sort (not wanting to get into possible diagnosing because we all know how fruitless that is! But it seems like a big change in a short space of time). I do hope it's just a five minute wobble and it all sorts itself out again quickly but do take care of yourself - remember your own advice - you need to be the centre of your own world xx xx xx
Hopalong:
Thank you, Tupp. I hear your warning and it matches some alarm chimes I've heard clearly. I won't diminish or overlook what's been happening.
My T today understood the concern but was very positive that he made an appointment for therapy (plus he wrote me he is going to pursue whatever best track is advised for him). She also said she's seen people learn this kind of thing about themselves and make enormous progress.
She said it's not guaranteed but it is possible that he may achieve major insights in a relatively rapid time. He really is driven and may attack self-knowledge the same way he's attacked scholarly knowledge. She believes he has insecure attachment, which his behavior has vastly demonstrated lately. At the same time, I've been very clear with him that I cannot manage his anxieties for him and I will continue to be clear. We did have a mature exchange today, when I think he heard me and responded in a calm adult way. I offered sympathy and compassion and said, "I love you and I needed time alone. I always will."
She gave me a great framing, something I will say to him. I can say, there is a gift I want from you...that is, if or when I indicate (clearly) that I need a day or two days alone, the gift you could give me is, "I'll miss you. But have a great two days and we'll talk then." And then leave me alone to do what I need to do for myself. If he can do that, having had it explained, then we're in much better shape. If instead he still shows the addict behaviors, of wanting/needing me like a "fix", or making little jabs or accusations about me, then I may have to back waaaaaaaaaay off. It'd be very sad but I'd survive.
I'm cautious but not breaking it off. I am committed to speaking up for myself, saying what I want and don't want, and sitting with the possibility of it not working out. That's asking for what I want, and releasing the outcome. I get to choose.
I'm not abandoning ship quite yet. But this has been a sobering period of revelation. A lot of compassion and love have happened too. But I'm not looking to mother or therapize or nurse him. And will find out if he can let go of that urge.
Thanks so much for caring and listening so well.
love
Hops
Meh:
It's okay to respond in your own time and slow it down.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 10, 2019, 04:47:41 PM ---Thank you, Tupp. I hear your warning and it matches some alarm chimes I've heard clearly. I won't diminish or overlook what's been happening.
My T today understood the concern but was very positive that he made an appointment for therapy (plus he wrote me he is going to pursue whatever best track is advised for him). She also said she's seen people learn this kind of thing about themselves and make enormous progress.
She said it's not guaranteed but it is possible that he may achieve major insights in a relatively rapid time. He really is driven and may attack self-knowledge the same way he's attacked scholarly knowledge. She believes he has insecure attachment, which his behavior has vastly demonstrated lately. At the same time, I've been very clear with him that I cannot manage his anxieties for him and I will continue to be clear. We did have a mature exchange today, when I think he heard me and responded in a calm adult way. I offered sympathy and compassion and said, "I love you and I needed time alone. I always will."
She gave me a great framing, something I will say to him. I can say, there is a gift I want from you...that is, if or when I indicate (clearly) that I need a day or two days alone, the gift you could give me is, "I'll miss you. But have a great two days and we'll talk then." And then leave me alone to do what I need to do for myself. If he can do that, having had it explained, then we're in much better shape. If instead he still shows the addict behaviors, of wanting/needing me like a "fix", or making little jabs or accusations about me, then I may have to back waaaaaaaaaay off. It'd be very sad but I'd survive.
I'm cautious but not breaking it off. I am committed to speaking up for myself, saying what I want and don't want, and sitting with the possibility of it not working out. That's asking for what I want, and releasing the outcome. I get to choose.
I'm not abandoning ship quite yet. But this has been a sobering period of revelation. A lot of compassion and love have happened too. But I'm not looking to mother or therapize or nurse him. And will find out if he can let go of that urge.
Thanks so much for caring and listening so well.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
I think you're right not to break it off yet, and I did wonder about 'The Switch' - do you remember that book you recommended to me about romantic relationships? I can't remember the name of it now but the one where she talks about 'The Switch' which is usually where one person backs off when the realisation that 'this is serious' hits them. I just wondered if instead of backing off, M has gone in to some sort of emotional meltdown.
Whatever the reasons behind all of this, I do hope it settles down and things are okay. It was lovely reading your happy posts and I would be upset if this turned out to be a problematic relationship, too, so I do hope that things turn out alright for you both xx xx
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