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Relationship/s

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Twoapenny:
Just chiming in really quickly, Hopsie, but your situation just now rang a bell with my recent conversation with T.  I was talking to her about my difficulties with people and relationships in general and she's suggested to me that I put people in categories and keep them for that purpose only - this one's a good laugh and good for coffee chat but I wouldn't discuss x with her, this one's good at advice regarding y but doesn't understand z so I won't discuss z with her, and so on.  I just wondered if that would apply to the early getting to know you stuff with current chaps - getting to a point of, okay, this one is interesting and funny but I'm not getting the zing so this could just be 'dinner once a month' man, this one understood more but I didn't get any romantic thing, he could become 'meet up for a friendly chat' once a man and so on (until Mr 'Ticks All The Important Boxes' comes along).

"I'm going to send you" would have put me off as well, and I don't know about you but I feel like that forces me into something more assertive when I wouldn't necessarily want to be like that?  If the conversation naturally filtered around to "how did you find your editing career to be?" and you could then explain more casually you didn't enjoy it and the next question is then an easier "would you look over something I've written as a favour?", I don't know, I would find that easier and more natural.  I don't know if that's how you feel as well.  I'm glad you've got together anyway and I must admit to feeling relieved that the M spell broke and those heart strings aren't being tugged any more.  I'm glad you've got other irons in the fire, too :) xx

Hopalong:
I like your T's advice, Tupp. It doesn't cover rando-miseries like a laundry room dowager empress, but should cover a LOT of people.

And it's good advice for me too, in terms of men. Thank you. C is smart, interesting, and less pompous than M was. Seems very stubborn and clearly used to making unilateral decisions, so a bigger relationship would likely be a recipe for frustration. But he is present, asked me questions, and also isn't whining about not getting his wish. (Today I decided not to get together -- he independently decided to be here another day and evening and I'd been clear from the get-go I couldn't commit to more time than yesterday's dinner as a first date. So he's on his own today. But because he's older and uses a cane, tomorrow I'm going to take him to breakfast and then to his train. That feels right because he did made the effort to travel to meet. I just don't want to go out today--at my heat-tolerance limit.)

As long as he doesn't start regular evening phone calls, I'd be content to be his friend. His phone personality is not comfortable for me, is all. Not his fault. And I do think a bit of memory problem may explain why he kept it up. A lifetime habit of grabbing the phone whenever you feel the urge? Doesn't matter; my challenge is just to be boundary-consistent. I may have to invest in Caller ID, which annoys me. But would make sense. (I have an eccentric system worked out with local friends: don't text/call my cell, email is great, leave messages on my landline any time.)

You got it right about the editing. It's a lifetime pet peeve but I've learned to be assertive about it. It startles people but it's amazing how many amateur writers instantly assume that my greatest delight would be to pore over their work. No disprespect to them because I love and support the writing urge in anyone; I'm just not giving it away any more OR doing it for pay. It belongs to me now. I built up decades of resentment that may leak out because I hated 90% of my jobs -- writing feature articles and press releases and selling/marketing stuff and basically whoring out writing and editing because those were the only high-end skills I had to offer. I never forgot the crestfallen look on my sculptor ex-H's face when he came home from the stone company office job one day and said, I feel like I'm forced to carve ashtrays all day. It was practically killing his spirit to work there but he had no choice. (He's been in a secure staff University job for years now that he likely enjoys more.) My creative writing withered on the shelf for so many years, what with family work on top of survival work. I often wonder how many artists/writers, especially women, have had the same experience. I'm LUCKY and privileged in a zillion ways but used to fantasize about moving to Ireland, which subsidizes artists and writers (or used to). Rambling, rambling.

C wasn't offended when I made that one-sentence-speech, fortunately. It just came out honest. You're right too, that if he'd posed it as a question instead of a presumption, it would've been easy to explain. I wouldn't mind READING his first memoir chapter --it'd be very interesting. Just don't wanna edit it.

Meanwhile, I just wrote a piece for the church blog about fear (isolation coming again this winter due to Covid, and the state of the world) and a lot of stuff about culture changes, social media and elders. Wound it up with an invitation for anyone feeling lonely to let me know, and I'd gladly call or email. Then: "And now I'm not feeling lonely any more -- funny how that works!"

I've proposed to the minister a plan for reaching out to isolated elder-elders. My friend at the church died alone in his apartment. I fear others might too, and as a community, it's way too easy for elders living alone to go neglected. I'm clearly projecting my own fears but also know that others are suffering loneliness in silence (me, I get naked with my feelings in public -- the piece will go on the church blog -- and I'm okay with that). In that sense, I feel it's a contribution and she did too. Wants to meet with me to talk about a plan, and I've volunteered to coordinate it.

Yup, the M spell is just gone. Blessizheart. I miss parts of it but on balance feel almost complete relief. I do worry about the upcoming winter, but hanging onto that lopsided friendship is not going to be the right way to get through it.

Have missed your voice and crave your updates, Tupp. Hope the settling in process is continuing in peace and I know you'll need to rest a LOT before you feel normal again. I was telling poet friend, who was feeling brittle and exhausted, that I think she should look at six months to a year after her overwhelming effort to find a place and move herself and the partner...before it's purely home, comforting and relaxing. If she sees it as a normal recovery thing that just takes a while, it may be easier to climb through the hard moments.

Hugs to you and NY Son,
Hops

Hopalong:
The C experience ended quite nicely. When he got my breakfast + ride email, he replied later that the heat drove him away and he had already left on an earlier train. I'm relieved.

He said it was worth the effort to come and hopes we'll stay in touch. I replied that by email (but not calls) that'd be fine by me. And I apologized for the ungracious won't-be-your-editor-ever remark and said I'd enjoy reading a chapter, just couldn't offer an edit.

Glad I met him and glad he's gone. Wouldn't mind seeing him again sometime, but no energy toward it for now. I also think he's too old for me. Seems like dog years when you get to your 70s....

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
It sounds like a good and sensible first date, Hopsie - just checking each other out, minimal expectations and I think you're right to avoid a telephone based relationship before meeting.  Very easy to build things into something they aren't and then the temptation is to make it fit instead of just accepting it's not a Grade A situation.  Good to keep in touch and have another winter email contact (and maybe safe winter get together if it's wanted).  A winter network sounds as necessary as a lockdown larder, I think :)  I'm glad it's gone well and hasn't been anything terrible to endure xx

sKePTiKal:
For a lot of people, that winter network would help a lot. Even a confirmed happy hermit like myself could use the interaction. Hol could definitely use the inquiries from her friends - usually it's the other way around and she's starting to resent it. She's starting to work thru it. There is no such thing as a casual meetup with anyone out here.

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