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Relationship/s

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Twoapenny:
I'm sorry, Hopsie.  It is good he's been so honest but it's still a disappointment, I know.  I will continue to keep all things crossed that Mr Hops is tap dancing his way to you somehow.  I get endlessly frustrated with things that can't be controlled (like people! Lol).  I hope you are okay xx

Hopalong:
Thanks, dear ((((((Tupp)))))).

I'm weepy and drinking beer (probably not a very mature reaction).

But it'll be okay. Time fixes nearly everything.

I appreciate your kind response, given all you're dealing with.

big hugs
Hops

lighter:
Sorry that happened, Hops.

With some distance, I guess he's experiencing all the little and great pants if mourning, guilt, shock, disbelief and anger accompanying the death of a long term and beloved mate.

Since you're his first date, maybe he'll work through some of his stuff.....surely, friend's will tell him quitting right away isn't rational. 

Relaxed, friendly fellowship, sans pressure and expectation, might provide him space to grasp his new life and seek out joy.

It sounds like he's punishing himself for outliving his wife to me.  Rolling around in what he's lost, like a little dog in it's mess and that's part of getting through it, ime. 

Whatever it is, you sound really grounded and happy right now which is likely why he wanted to see you a second time.....even if he's just not ready to "date" date.

Just be a light in his world and keep being your happy self, ((Hops.)). That he's an honest Scot is a good thing, imo.

 People like being around folks who make them feel better/good.  Remember boundaries and keep seeking joy.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Oh Hops.... this isn't a rejection, OK? It's an admission that he's feeling uncomfortable with his own feelings about what he wants. It's good he respects you enough to be honest about it. What Lighter wrote jumped out at me:


--- Quote ---sounds like he's punishing himself for outliving his wife to me.  Rolling around in what he's lost, like a little dog in it's mess and that's part of getting through it, ime.
--- End quote ---

This DOES happen; I've wrestled this myself. And it is possible to get through to the other side to live & love again. I'd say be the best friend to him, you can be - for now. Let him - help him - gain perspective and his sense of loyalty to himself back (ie, self esteem). At his own speed and interest. And see where things lead.

My best relationships have been with men, I was "friends" with first.

Hopalong:
I think y'all are Really Really Wise Women. Thank you!

Poet friend said to me: what've you got to lose if you are just honest and tell him you Really Like him? She thinks sometimes men don't know so why not? (While accepting and supporting his need to take care of himself; iow, his honest way of handling whatever he was feeling -- which unfortunately made me like him even more.) So I did, with humor and reassurance we could manage friendship. He wrote back assuring me again and very directly -- it'snotyouit'sme -- and said he'd be calling after a week in NYC. I bet he will since I think his character's good. I've used humor throughout so am not dumping drama on him.

I think you've given golden advice. Be his friend and see what happens.

I think one reason I had a weepy time about it was I was so disappointed in MYSELF. I talk big about info-gathering, not fantasizing and being all Judith-Sillsy, but I fail at that over and over. I'm losing confidence that I'm even capable of suppressing/hiding those hopes. So I worry even friendship will be too painful (as it proved to be with M).

My hopes and yearnings are just big. And so unlikely at age 71 to be realized. I do accept (in rational mind) that I may live alone for the rest of my life. But the rest of me is a love-focused puddle of ectosomething. Again, an older man with supportive loving family and comfortable resources realizes life is easy enough on his own.

I also worry, knowing myself, whether I'll fully take in reality as I so often swear is my friend, or hopefully go along being his friendly/happy pal when that isn't really what I want. Or since I liked him so MUCH, isn't really realistic with him without hurting myself. Too early to bail on a fair attempt...but the advice to be his happy friendly friend might turn into acting or manipulation. I can't do that either. Shoot.

Here's my worry. He SAID: "....whether because of the memories and impact of a 45-year very happy marriage or just the fact that I've become accustomed to living solo I am just not ready for any relationship beyond friendship, and I certainly hope we can share that...."

What I did with M. is when over time he made two very clear statements to me during best-friend year, I continued to nibble around in my mind with hopes that would change. No chance. Those were once in an email: "Don't imagine anything else." And once in person when I asked how he'd make space for me: "I don't want to change anything."

How do I tell the difference between M's direct statements that amounted to "NO" and the Scot's "I am just not ready." I suppose "not ready" COULD be interpreted as "might be ready later..." But I wonder if that's foolish. That's what I'm worrying about, anyway. My ability to fantasize and deny reality because of the Lovely Dream. I dunno if Scot is ruling it all out forever (comfortable living solo now) or for now.

I guess I need to continue dating (slim pickings now, and with winter isolation coming) and keep my head. My head, despite life experience, is about 14, I think.

If I coulda kept my head under control ....

Thank you thank you thank you for listening. You've no idea how much it helps.

hugs
Hops

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