Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
lighter:
(((Hops)))
Sometimes I think willingness to thrive could be as simple as refusal to ruminate in past or present, but I don't know.
You're amazing. I say be your own engaged and busy self.....without fear You'll draw people to you, ime.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, (((((Lighter)))))).
I hope to be doing that, easing into winter-busy. In-person meetings haven't really soared back yet, and nothing much is happening on the dating site, so I think winter-mode is here early and I won't likely meet a lot of people for the next six months. But I do have things I could and should do that have meaning too.
The Scot thing just really surprised me, how intense my feelings of pain and disappointment were. Calmed down now but I still haven't quite understood it. Good topic for T today.
'Tis the season of Zoom, that's for sure. I have three today: therapy this afternoon, then back to back this evening: speaking about FB at the beginning of a church Board mtg, then a poetry reading I'm excited about. Tomorrow night is a refugee planning meeting.
What would be ideal would be for me to ignore shoulder or other discomforts and my usual reflex to get under the covers and stay there, and actually accomplish a little something in the house. Plus take a walk with Poorch. That would feel GOOD.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hops, you are probably feeling an old wound, that the Scot unintentionally poked at.
We all have different issues surrounding attachment, approval from others, need to be "seen"/"known".... etc from the past that will kick up at different times. And of course, different coping mechanisms. B and I are only now - after a few years - getting into some of those. No matter how much one feels they've moved on or healed - there are always sensitive spots.
I think it's a bit concerning how quickly your hopes & expectations about the mutual "like" in this relationship had the potential to be something a lot deeper. Even with the instant attraction between B & I, neither of us jumped to commitment and deep feelings that quick. Doesn't mean there weren't comments, butterflies & rainbows at that time, but neither of us took them that seriously initially. It took more time to learn to trust the other - constantly looking at & second-guessing whether there were "red flags" or just our own fearful imagination.... or personal issues.
And we both have personal history, other relationships (close & otherwise) in our lives... that needed some explanation, understanding, and acceptance. Loyalty is one thing, B & I have a lot in common on... and that's both good and bad when starting to build a new relationship.
You and the Scot have seen each other twice. That's like casually looking at house plans - before buying property, selecting a contractor, and beginning that long process of making a thousand decisions. Dreams are DEFINITELY IMPORTANT. But it is always wise to take one's time before giving permission to believe you're living out a dream. The resulting disappointment (and I guarantee there will be at least one - probably something one can live with; sometimes not) will be a giant kick in the heart, if you give too much too soon. That can even scare a person off.
Hopalong:
I think it's a bit concerning how quickly your hopes & expectations about the mutual "like" in this relationship had the potential to be something a lot deeper.
You are absolutely right, Amber. I think it's not just concerning but alarming. It is Topic #1 to talk about with T today.
It's a whole-life thing, I believe, for me. Me, my life, my loneliness, time advancing, traffic on the dating site dwindling now that I'm soon to be 72. IOW, rather than just being sensibly alert for compatibility, I revealed too soon how excited I was to connect with the Scot. I may indeed have "scared him off" and that possibility is both humiliating and painful. I think it says good things about him that he sensed my vulnerability and carefully dissauded me. And yet still I scraped for ambiguity ("ooo, 'not ready' might mean readiness is still his eventual goal? Doubt it.) If he's saying let's be casual I'll never feel any other way, might be better as Tupp hinted not to spend time with him. Or, I might learn something good from another encounter or two.
I hadn't been thinking of myself as that desperate, which I KNOW is an unattractive quality. I think in part my reaction may represent that although I ended things permanently with M a few months ago and am not looking back, perhaps there's still damage in me from all that (linked of course to old N-baggage -- feeling used and led on) I haven't yet healed from. The Scot was doing nothing of the sort.
I don't know. I know I felt huge pain at this particular letdown, which I normally don't feel if a man doesn't click with me or vice versa. I think dating now is feeling very different than it did a year or so back. I feel a time-and-culture window inexorably closing, so the alone-rest-of-my-life scenario feels much more likely than it did then.
However. I won't stop thinking. Once I fully understand it I should be better able to manage it.
Mercifully, I do have clarity on the distinction between the pain I felt at his message (which was about myself) and feeling "love." I am not "in love" with the Scot. I have a runaway imagination and my intuition was telling me "great fit!" while his was not. But it is easy to imagine more, too easy, and that's a big part of my problem.
I'm glad I'm a poet because it's the thing I'm best at, but at time it's agonizing to be so emotionally open. That's what helps create good poetry, but doesn't help for walking around.
Thanks for your wise caution Amber...I really need it.
Much gratitude,
Hops
Hopalong:
Hmmm. I wonder if I have "daddy issues"?
I actually wonder. More T stuff!
My father was SO decent, self-effacing and driven by ethics and core Xian values (never preached, just treated all people with respect and kindness), and I adored him. He was the One Safe Person in my childhood. He radiated the good stuff.
I wonder if meeting a man who has "serve others" all over his resume, in great contrast to M whose service to his students was mostly polish-his-own-ego-with-acolytes .... hit me in the lost-father place?
The Scot's resume shocked me in that way. He has spent his entire career making a positive difference in the world, centered literally on ethics. (He founded a center for ethics in international relations.)
I wonder if the part of me that misses that kind of man (Hi, Dad) also got triggered, so some of the pain I was feeling was grief at missing a boat from the same flotilla?
Dunno, dunno, but this is making sense to me. I have met SO many men who seem cynical, jaded, bored with life, uninterested in others, vapid, shallow, super materialistic, status-driven, etc etc.
I think maybe the Scot was a projection screen for me ALSO because he clearly has the kinds of values I don't often find. The hyper-Xian veteriarian just wanted to get laid, as did the furniture-empire owner, the conservative defense-contractor widower. Nothing wrong with THAT as part of connection, but so few of those also showed interest in the other layers of life.
Although I'm so weary I'm sure I'm no longer arm candy, the patio guy said to me yesterday, "You're a pretty woman" (sheesh!). So, nice, I guess. But I'd like to be seen beneath the skin, and part of my runaway fantasizing was that the Scot would value ME. Not just the dimple or humor or whatever.
Interesting. I do find it very easy to imagine him valuing me. Stupid but true.
Anyway thanks, Amber. You invited me to go deeper and as ever, once I understand something, it drains away much of its power to hurt me. Just wish I wasn't so slow at it.
But this has given me some strength and I'm looking forward to talking it over w/T.
hugs
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version