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Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
Really good T. She said (you'll recognize MANY of your own wise perceptions):

It wasn't expectations, it was your hopes. They are what they are. Powerful longing.
How you felt was because good timing or not, it was a small and real heartbreak.
You DID work through it in two days. Not a year.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
He was honest, you were honest.
It was great that you told him how you felt so far.
You can try a meeting or two as friends and if you then find you can't manage it, you just tell him so, and then withdraw.

About the Daddy thing. I'm really glad that suddenly came into my mind, and T got it. It's true. I want to be with someone KIND and HONEST. M was ultimately neither. I got so excited about the Scot because I have a feeling these are his values, too.

It's a good Daddy issue, if I'm right. Doesn't hurt after so many "users" to have some strong inner clarity about what kind of person I want to spend more time with. Doesn't have to be the Scot if that fizzles as it probably already has. But it's a super-clear indicator of what are the most important qualities to tune into. Not dazzling resumes or education or all that gravy, but CHARACTER.

I think the Scot may have that. This does not mean he's fully available to me. He said he's "not ready." The rest...what does "not ready" mean -- is it a softer FULL NO or just a measure of TIMING? (Does "not ready" mean his goal is "ready later.")

I asked T ... do you think I could simply ask him that? She said absolutely, and it would be very healthy to! Who knew?

So, aha. Instead of suppressing a question like that for fear of "appearing" over-eager or desperate or whatever, that's actually adult/rational brain. Asking for information that will help me decide in the real whether friendship will work for ME.

T just wants me to keep the focus on him being a friend to me as well as the other way around.

I feel a lot of relief and T doesn't think I should criticize myself for innate traits. It may cause me difficulty to be highly sensitive and emotional. But that's what I am. Built in.

I feel better. And SO much of that is due to you guys. Thank you. You don't even send me bills!

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Hops,

I think you moved through the Scot feelings beautifully.  It's difficult to look deeply into painful emotions.....to see what's behind it. 

Well done.

Esp suspending judgment of yourself. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thank you again, Amber and you too, Lighter.

I am feeling not just better but HAPPY, because I finally figured it out. I have reached the holy grail of really seeing what just happened over the last few days. Had lots of support and wisdom (especially here) and help, too. And I got there.

The recent emotional crisis uncovered several new/unaware layers and really taught me some important new things. One thing was how deep my missing kind "Dad" goes. I didn't realize it was still in there, so many years later.  I figured out that projecting all those humanistic qualities sooo strongly onto the Scot before I really know him was about how deeply I've missed having and trusting a man (similar to my Dad) who is KIND and HONEST and ETHICAL in relationships, not just in professed values. Honestly, kindness is the IT factor. Not just a word but absolutely the first and most important character quality I'm looking for. D'uh!!!

I suddenly saw in complete clarity how I have had decades of relationships in which after a while I figured out that no matter how well I held compassion for and really understood different men, my track record is having chosen a lot of them who were just unkind. !!??!!  (I have even wondered if in some unconscious way by trying to "fix" or "change through love" a bunch of men like that I was trying to fix my sociopathic, cruel bully brother (and get his love back). Yikes. And probably.

Apparently when I was very little I adored him. When he went off to kindergarten and I was still home, the story goes that I'd go into his room and get one of his shirts and wear it all day until he came back. (My how things change...I'd rather burn one today! But I think as a tiny girl, he might've been my world.)

Major relationships: First love cheated (with my best friend), Husband #1 yelled nonstop and had a punitive streak, husband #2 lied pathologically, married lover (my fault) strung me along, a narcissist local artist was just that, super-executive conservative dude just wanted to dominate, M's a charming narcissist with all that implies. I think after M I DO feel ready to recognize the RIGHT qualities in a man, and when I thought I saw a whole bushel of them in D, I totally lost my balance.

My T and poet both think this is overall a good sign and a "birth" of a new big awareness.

Kind of feels that way to me too. All I know is that I'm back within myself, no longer scared, and feeling alive and present. Whatever the Scot does or doesn't do.

Whew.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
I have a great big smile reading your post, Hops.  It all made sense and I feel certain you'll have more clarity around all new relationships.

Clarity is a very good thing!
:: Nodding::.

Lighter🎃

Twoapenny:
Aw, well done, Hopsie, those lightbulb moments are amazingly helpful when they come.  It makes sense that you're experiencing the loss of you dad when this happens, not just the understandable disappointment when a chap you like isn't available.  I hope you're doing okay and it hasn't brought up a lot more loss - it can be hard to close the gate again once it's opened (I think we've all been there!).

And I don't know about you, but these days I find it increasingly rare to meet someone that I click with, who has traits and habits that I admire and who I genuinely want to spend more time with and get to know better, male or female.  Most of the time I just want to get away and avoid people :)  Lol, so I think it is hard when you meet one of those rare gems, the excitement comes and then if they aren't able to continue, for whatever reason, it is a bit of a blow.  But hopefully now that you feel a lot clearer about what it is you're looking for in a person it might be a bit easier to wade through potential applicants :)  I'm imagining some sort of eligible gentlemans' clearing house now.  Lol xx

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