Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
Thanks, Phyll. It might be okay, or might not. I'm mindful of something Lighter wrote reminding me vigorously that I can also change my mind at ANY point if I find it's not comfortable or positive for me. Given how vigilant I am becoming about checking in with myself, I think I'll know pretty quickly.
Hope it's pleasant for me but feeling fairly confident (hope not delusional) that I can shut it down pronto if it's not. I'm not even sure why I followed the impulse but I don't think it was too destructive. Those few days of huge revelations (for me) were incredibly valuable to my growth regardless of whether a friendship happens. And I don't want to treat a man like he's fentanyl, as that makes me powerless.
I'm actually glad he didn't contact me for such a stretch because that is more evidence that he really is not only not motivated to date/mate but perhaps not even to tend a budding friendship. If that didn't change after one more coffee time, I'll lost interest. Reciprocity is just as important in friendship as in a romantic relationship for me. His lack of followup has also cooled my overall interest to a manageable lukewarm. Just haven't been thinking about him. It is interesting though that when I did, he responded instantly. That would, on the surface at least, suggest he does want a friendship. But if he doesn't follow through or reciprocate fairly soon OR I don't feel at ease around him because I've underestimated my healing from my previous reaction, gate closes AND locks. I do think that upwelling of insight was huge for me, and that short-term pain is quite healed now. Something literally changed in me. So maybe this contact was just to test it.
Reciprocity, though. Slow starts for anything (building a friendship or whatever) are fine. Ongoing lack of any initiative or tending isn't fine, since that keeps the maintenance burden one sided. Ain't doing that no more. I feel like I know what to watch for, within myself, which is all I have control over.
We shall see if I'm blowing hot air and if you hear that whoosh, warn me!
Thanks for the support, Phyl.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
Be curious, Hops. I really want you to lean into what's real.....without any self judgments. Just....zero judging.
You're going to share coffee with this man. Again. That's the mission.
Oh, ya.....and to mine all the joy you can, no matter how it goes. You're whole, complete and enough, just as you are.
Be yourself. Notice reciprocity or lack of.
I'm wondering if your refreshing honesty scared him a bit on the front end. I'm pretty candid too and it's backfired a bit. I'm getting better at holding my horses, slowing down and releasing need to be understood by others.
Understanding, myself, is turning out to be all I really need when I have fellowship in 3d and on this amazing forum. There's more serenity, less anxiety.....more choice and feeling ok with what is.
Have fun. The immediate respons is a good thing, imo.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Hmm. I'd invited him to bring his pooch to my yard and patio sit. He later emailed that Friday is going to be warm and can we meet downtown. I called back because I don't enjoy our emailing. I'm too rambling and he's too terse.
Anyway, turns out he'd wanted to meet downtown because he has another errand there and said we'd have about 45 minutes ("Is that enough, to catch up?"). I just don't feel motivated to get moving earlier than usual, dress properly, find parking and get to the Mall for a fairly rushed meet. Not a very relaxing prospect. Plus, I have a possible yard helper coming Friday so it'd be better for me to be home.
I declined and suggested he get in touch after his next trip. He's very busy and that's a good thing for him. But I am not holding my breath. If he finds his way to a more relaxed time frame it'd be enjoyable. This just felt too constricted for me.
His dog's daycare schedule is a high priority and he's ignored my suggestion to bring him over. So I dunno -- maybe he's making excuses or just doesn't have time (or enough interest to make the time).
Feel okay about it. I was privately getting irritated and there's no point to that. He owes me nothing but I don't enjoy the uncertainty. My problem, not his.
I will look into relaxing around it. I don't think the Scot will change my life (or vice versa) so it's best to let it go, pronto.
Should he call again then I'd feel reciprocal interest was present enough.
All good,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I think this is strike three. He told you clearly he's not interested in a relationship. He said he wanted to stay in touch as friends but then didn't call. Now he's accepted (initially) your very thoughtful invitation for a drink free, dog friendly, covid avoiding social date and changed the arrangement to expecting you to haul arse to meet him in accordance with his schedule for a scant 45 minutes of his time. I think getting irritated is a good thing; he sounds like he needs a bat up his kilt and your senses were telling you that. He owes you the respect of doing what he said he was going to do, and he hasn't done that. I think making it clear he can only spare you 45 minutes in between errands is bloody rude, quite frankly, and a truthful 'no thank you' would have been better. I am hoping very much you meet someone who appreciates your thoughtful arrangements and is looking forward to spending a good chunk of time with you so that you can fill them in on your poetry, your refugee accommodation finding efforts, your elderly care group and so on. You have an awful lot to give to the right person xx
Hopalong:
I don't mind at all, Tupp. I am 90%+ in agreement.
Have been confused by his niceness and encouraging responses (email and phone) but you're right, behavior matters more than words.
I don't think he saw it as rude but perhaps it is. (In his life in NYCity and elsewhere everything's been rush-rush and important, but my life is intentionally a lot slower and simpler, which I think he's not interested in.) I gather he's so highly invested in working, writing articles etc that anything else takes second (or 10th) place. He's also mentioned other friends so I'm thinking he already has plenty.
I don't have to judge him for it but do want to accept what's real. I always do better with things spoken rather than not, so I may send a sort of summary message explaining my sense that our senses of friendship-building vary so much that disappointment may lie in that direction. My idea of friendship building isn't rushed or superficial but he may be more comfortable with that. What I look for in friendship now is different as I think I'm in a life chapter where quality of friendships matters more than quantity. I enjoy relaxed long conversations with meaning rather than just occasional anecdote-swapping. He's likewise entitled to enjoy what he enjoys most. Staying in touch with a jammed list of folks he's known after decades of profound and satisfying world-changing work, and those people seem to mean a lot to him, which is a lovely thing. That ain't me--my career was meh.
It helped me when ending friendship illusions with M. to state it gracefully but unequivocally. It reinforced my decision. I think I may do that again.
It feels good to be honest with myself today, about old dead-horse-beating reflexes vs. speaking-up while letting-go. The speaking up part is about claiming my own needs and preferences as equal and following suit. Dunno if I'm exactly where I need to be but I do feel better when I'm not passive about this stuff.
And I don't feel anger. That implies attachment and there's no real basis for any. I've been hoovering out my head and the air is clearer in there. Some dust motes but at least I can see.
hugs
Hops
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