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Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
Felt even clearer.
Wrote him that if he'd like a relaxed visit of a couple hours, I'm in. I also asked him to clarify what week I'd be hearing from him (he mentioned another NYC trip so fast I didn't grasp the when). Added that if I don't hear by then, I'll just release the idea (meaning friendship) with sincere best wishes for him either way. (Anybody who really wanted to be a friend, I think, would be willing. He may, like M, consider professional long-term colleagues his friends, though I define it differently for myself.)

I have a new friend -- female -- coming over tomorrow, who responded when I wrote after getting to know her a bit at the beach asking, do you have room in your quiver for another friend? --Absolutely, I'd love to!. As Tupp says, the Scot has responded if not clearly at least consistently, by not offering anything like that. Confused me but not any more. What I saw as thoughtful ideas, he might have seen as scary. The man said he's not ready and I believe him. Whew.

Could seem pathetic but actually it felt good. I'm going to treat people with the courtesy with which I expect want to be treated, while bearing in mind that people have wildly varying ideas of what is normal and acceptable in their different heads. Again, he owes me nothing. What matters is what behavior I owe myself.

I remember some phrase I read somewhere: Be impeccable with your word.

All that was missing was me calmly asserting my preferences (which he is free to take or leave), and I think my message did that pretty clearly. IOW: commit to a couple hours if you genuinely enjoy that prospect; likewise be clear about when you'll be in touch. (No false or vague hints pass GO.) If he won't/doesn't, off he goes from my head --for good-- in a cloud of bubbles.

I don't want to spend my precious remaining time in anything faked.

Lighter, you're right that I likely scared him with my blunt honesty. I'm just too far gone in the transparency process to throttle it back now. If I scare men away then I'm not destined to be with a man again. I'm always gentle and compassionate even while direct. But maybe that's too much for most. If it is, I'm okay with it now.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Amazing, post, Hops!  Shifting into acceptance of what is and getting on with it.  Cuts out the angst and ruminating, ime.  SO much clarity and choice there.

I'm glad you made a new friend on the beach trip, ((Hops.))

Lighters

Hopalong:
Thanks, (((((Lighter))))).

It does feel like big progress.

One mistake I make with men is when they say something, you know -- using words -- I tend to take what they've said very literally.

He'd said "I certainly would like to share friendship" and all I heard was "certainly." It's just a polite phrase, looking back. But it zipped right into the what I wanted to hear category.

I am relieved that it got unearthed pretty fast, for me. Delusions disengaged.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
And some more...finishing up the pondering.
I'm relieved that the obvious eventually can get through my skull.

It was weird to me (but likely just a polite impulse to him) for him to state so definitely that he would call me after a trip to NYC ("at least a week") and then just never did. After my call and his response, it occurred to me that in this direction hurt would surely lie. After all, he was in town. Even without a meet scheduled for after his busy period -- he could have made a 5-minute call. (And I have the sense that being frantically busy is protective for him -- a grief thing and understandable.)

In a literal sense, I'm not quite as impressed with his relational ethics as I was. But I also think my own fantasies set me up and lead to expectations that are not right or realistic. It feels like a relief but in an unhealthy, temporary way, to judge him. He's not a creep, but seems unaware of (if not indifferent to) his impact in a way I got too used to rationalizing away with M. Perhaps M was my "medievalist" vaccine? LOL. But I was in an actual relationship with M, never with the Scot.

On the other hand (stepping back from blaming) -- I looked back at my messages to the Scot. SO accomodating, SO absent of any needs or preferences expressed at all. Stuff like: I'd value becoming your friend regardless, you're such an interesting person...and even ended one "Your pace, your pleasure" (as though I had no desire for more assurance about proceeding) in an effort to not scare him. Disregarding my truths: vulnerability and need to check in for clarity all the way.

And then I give a call after six weeks of nothing, he offers a rushed coffee and I have the options: 1) Go all deluded and Glenn Closey and whale on that deceased horse, or 2) re-embrace the mantra I came up with years ago in desperation over my inability to let go of an unavailable lover during a very hard/lonely period: Reality is my friend.

It really is.

Loneliness is a reality I'm struggling with also right now, but I've taken some active steps about that too. Joining a Zoom group that meets weekly via church and got a sweet welcoming message from one man who said the group has become for him like family, and was welcomed by two other people too. Already have two friends in it, a married couple I like a lot.

I Zoom with my T today and it'll be good to sum it up for her. Anxiety and loneliness have destabilized me and sapped my optimism lately. But I know I can push back.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
My T is more perceptive than I credit her for.

Really good session. She said, "You need a witness." And that I was doing deep work (I often express self-consciousness about talking so much and rambling, ADD style). She said my narratives aren't wordsmoke but represent a deep effort to understand what happens.

That was reassuring. Slowly, working with this T has evolved into a safe space. She never shames or judges and has been extremely patient adapting to my anxious style (depending on what's happening). I told her about my circadian plus anxiety patterns, and she said she hadn't fully understood that before. Daylight good, twilight the anxiety climbs. And its connection to how long I've gone without being in human contact. (How quickly it's stanched when I do have some.)

Something Lighter said and another thing I read today talked about containing some of the anxiety by exiting my own head, which is the same as not ruminating.

I think that's what thinking about other people or doing other things does. I absolutely must schedule more of that. To spend the winter feeding my anxiety by staying in my own head would be....STOOPID.

hugs
Hops

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