Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
lighter:
Hi, Hops:
I'm so glad you're feeling supported and safe with your T. Esp with cold months coming up🥶
Lighter
Phyll:
Dear Hops,
WOW. So very clear. I am amazed at how you looked at your needs and desires without judging the Scot. Great work!
Once upon a time (before on-line dating was big) I signed up for this expensive dating service. It was very disappointing. I called it "dating school" because I realized I only knew how to be taken hostage (still struggle with that). I decided I had enough people in my life who really love me, that I did not have time for people who didn't. Unfortunately, I think that set me up for the relationship with the narc I find myself in. I expected too much and believed the unreality.
I find reading your posts and following your thought process towards this dating process very helpful in clearing my view. Thank you for sharing it here.
I am sorry you are experiencing loneliness. I think there is a lot of that going around right now with this pandemic.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Phyll. That was an amazing image: only knowing how to be taken hostage. I love the power of it but am very sorry it's so long felt that way for you. Damn.
I'm doing much better. One key thing has been to arrange for some kind of contact with a human every day. Could be Zoom, or a call, or a visit. I really need to do that and when I do, it halts my slide.
The Scot responded "alarm bells are ringing" (to my message about I would like this and that). I felt instant guilt (oh how controlling I was) and then thought: well, maybe any assertive woman stating preferences would be "alarming." It was interesting that he used lots of ambivalent language, still. Words he closed with included "maybe" "in due time" and "for now" and stuff like that.
I knew the last thing I needed was no closure. He might be fine with endless ambivalence but I'm not -- not without harming my own peace. I replied a last time with emotional truth (which I knew would scare him allllll the way away, and am fine with). I said I'd felt hurt that he didn't call as he said he would simply because I'd believed him. And was slow to realize he didn't mean it. I invest time in friendship, but if he only wants quick and casual, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just not what I'm looking for. And that I've learned not to daydream about "maybes." In the end, we were "two stubborn lonesome old farts who can't compromise on how to get together" and, imo, both lost. Then wished him well, genuinely. And that's that.
It is too bad, but I'm relieved. I appreciate and have compassion for his fears and defenses, but I'm never again going to pursue anybody who's not reciprocating interest, and not with vague language I could hook myself with if not super careful. I know my weaknesses and I'm too old. My own comfort may get mellower and I may be less edgy about these things in time...but I'm not there yet. Might as well just be honest and damn the torpedoes. Beam me up, Scottie, I'm outta there.
For an interesting diversion, my first love is coming by later. He lives far away but comes to the area every December to go hunting near his family's old place. We've had dinner at this time of year several times -- last time he called I was with M and felt uncomfortable about it so declined. But now I'm not and I'll be happy to see him. Friends ONLY (he's married) but we do have tender feelings for each other and nostalgia we share. He's handsome as ever and it does my heart good to see him.
We have little in common and wouldn't make an appropriate pairing now even if he were single, but I loved him once with all my heart and vice versa and it's a nice reminder. (After the last visit he had "run away with me" fantasies but I thought: hmmmm, move to Wyoming and help you open a gun business? Cough. LOL.)
Every single human relationship is a chance to learn and to find some light even when you must turn away from someone, I think. I'm feeling better. Life will present more people, or pooches or heck, birds to love.
hugs,
Hops
lighter:
Amazing post, Hops.
Like a clear blue stream of water carried away all mental flotsam..... unadorned truth revealed.
Whatever the Scot's struggle, it's his and he lost out, imo. Truly.
I hope you and pooch are enjoying beautiful weather on the porch.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Thank you, ((((((Lighter))))).
You are so affirming; I truly appreciate it.
Pooch and I had a lovely afternoon while housecleaner and leaf mulcher were here. Went to the bank and brought them both back surprise (generous) early-Xmas envelopes. Went on a visit mission to old friend J who's been sidelined since a replaced hip. Took her early dinner and as she's a major Pooch fan, she really enjoyed our visit. And we did too.
Coming home the sky was streaked with sunset light and the temp was still mild so we enjoyed a snail's-pace walk that did us both good. Sunsets are gorgeous here...and there are gaps in certain places where you can see the western range.
On the eastern side is a foothill euphemistically called a "mountain" but even though it's developed, it's all twinkly. I love the contrast of the Serious Mtsn in the distance on one side, and walk another block and look the other way to the foothill twinkling.
Feel so lucky to be here, to live here, to be getting better.
First-love's visit was nostalgic and meaningful but also a nice way to review my life (met him as a teenager). He did the same. We both have regrets but also feel philosophical about the different paths we took. I was so stirred up with memories that I was awake all night but slept in and then did other things today. All good.
hugs
Hops
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