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Hopalong:
I'm still in love...with both of them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVz-ZDiAgTs

Hopalong:
I think something good (and bad) happened, but for me personally, balance: good.

Met an attractive, kind man (online) in a church discussion group. Remember feeling a bit curious as to why he's in THIS discussion group when he lives in another town (and is also a member at another church in an in-between town). Hmmm. But anyway, we've had a little friendly correspondence (the group asked to read some of my stuff, poems and a lay "sermon") and he's been interested. And frankly, I was getting quite interested in him. Loooooonely me. We'd agreed we'd meet next month for lunch when he comes over for a V.A. appt.

Long story short, I Googled and was shocked to find him on the sex offender registry (a child porn conviction 15 years ago). Yet he's still a human being, he's part of an intimate group of older folks and clearly it's important to him, and we are fellow members of the same denomination, if not church (thank heaven). I froze and then wrote him directly: I google everyone I find interesting and ran into your old conviction. I'm sorry. It doesn't make me judge or hate you but does mean I won't be able to meet you outside meetings or keep up a private correspondence. I wish you peace in the New Year and be kind to yourself. I did mean that; don't believe in eternal punishment and do believe he is kind. Just fucked up, evidently. This culture (and maybe his background) warp some people.

It was difficult but the right thing to do to protect my inner peace. So that's the part that is good. The not-as-good is that I felt so sorry for him that I nearly didn't.

I'm just grateful that that type of history, no matter how far back, is a bright line I will not ask myself to form a relationship across. I am grateful I didn't meet him in person or put myself in a position of vulnerability. Not physical, I don't have any reasonable fear of that, but psychological. I was already beginning to fantasize.
Y'all know how much difficulty I can have putting THAT horse back in the barn.

But I stopped cold. Too much darkness in my family past around sexual abuse of my aunt (and perhaps mother) by grandfather. I just will not court that kind of pondering, which would be unavoidable for me if I got closer to this person.

Holy smokes, y'all. When does it get easy? But I did good, right?

I need to be much much slower to emotionally connect before I know a person is safe for me. Project 2022.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I'm sorry you're experiencing loneliness Hops. It's not something I have a lot of "catalog" of experiencing, except for somewhere between Mike & B, when Hol was on her campaign to get me to be something else, to meet her standard of approval. She's over that now; but is still free with her observations. We're still cooperating on working on HER issues a bit more now.  ;)  As she has some insight or other.

I can see where maybe - possibly; only you can say - the loneliness might be connected to how quickly you emotionally connect and start fantasizing the most ideally romantic relationship even when you're involved with guys - that you've only known a very short time. Been pondering and just looking at what you've written for awhile. One thing I've noticed about myself - the few times I've really jumped off that cliff - is that I wrote my own description of my guy in my head, without basing it on actual facts or observations or his interactions with other people. Most of the time, I have already collected that research on the person - either through knowing them, working with them or some other non-romantic experience first. But one thing I learned to do (painfully), was to not have any expectations of a "happily ever after" every single time I made those connections.

So, that's the "catching feelings" stage. It happens when/where ever it wants to, IMO. But that's still not a relationship. It can happen to one person at a time - at different times. In different ways. And sometimes, rarely, it happens together. Sometimes, we can even fool ourselves about those feelings. Especially if we have an old emotional wound or immediate concrete world need that we can't fill by ourselves. This could link back up with the "lonely", but that's for you to explore/decide.

(Sounds like non-sequitor, but isn't:) So, you know I've been watching tarot readings for awhile now. Seems they're all talking about love relationships for people 30-40 years younger than us. I've got the readers sorted for myself and really only watch a couple these days with any attention. They both have a background in psychology and therapy. But ya know, there's a whole lot of things that we didn't learn about relationships and life because of the dysfunction in our FOOs. So almost without exception these readers are very supportive of people meeting their own emotional needs and not expecting those needs to be fulfilled in any relationship. The exchange of meeting needs is the "golden rule" in relationship these days and that translates a lot better for people in later stages of life. It needs to be based on each individual being able to take care of themselves this way first - and I think that's a healthier idea than just seeking the person who APPEARS to be able to fill that hole in our hearts. It involves all kinds of other relationships with other people too. We're going to want to maintain those relationships even if we DO meet Prince Charming right?

And from that solid self-sufficient base, then the fairy-godmother universe supposedly puts Prince Charming directly in your path. That is also the "formula" in a lot of romance novels too. With all the variations thereof. You can probably already detect my skepticism of this idea...   :rolleyes:  The functional, useful part of that formula, IMO, is when a person is whole and has filled most of those subconscious "needs" themselves (and there ain't any right way to do that that I know of) one's life changes. In subtle, sometimes "magical", ways. I don't know why; but it FEELS to me like one walks lighter on the earth to a tune most people can't hear. (That's my imagination working overtime, about something I don't think I can describe.) But MAYBE it would help with the loneliness and anxiety, too.

Me, I'm needing intellectual stimulation. Thinking about maybe getting certified as an herbalist, even though I think I want to focus on the growing side of things. I also have to study some electrical physics to tune my HAM antenna (next step in getting shack on the air). It's gonna be a long winter, methinks. But as warm as it is (no hard freeze yet) I'm going to start planning the spring planting marathon and then the Hut and I can fight over the heavy equipment scheduling. LOLOLOL. Maybe I'll start a thread with seed/plant company website links -- the pictures are always so helpful this time of year.

Hopalong:
ABSOLUTELY right, Amber:
the loneliness might be connected to how quickly you emotionally connect and start fantasizing the most ideally romantic relationship even when you're involved with guys - that you've only known a very short time. Speedy fantasy/bonding isn't romantic, it's dysfunctional. (M taught me a lot, inadvertently.)

Part of it's loneliness (since childhood when it was deepest) and part romantic brainwashing from culture that I absorbed way too deeply. Novels were my whole life for many years as "real life" was too painful. My brain works better now and I am finally able to over-ride my own trance states (such as imagining a future with M, "seeing" kindness when it really wasn't there). It is effortful and significant when I do wake up, even better when I shake myself out of a waking dream in the first place. I think that's why I was "celebrating" having felt faint doubts and following them to a sad revelation about new Mr. Kindness. I saw I'd already begun fantasizing as a loud warning about where the gaps in my heart-coverage sag open if I'm not more mindful. This time, I think I was more mindful, and have saved myself future pain.

I couldn't agree more that it's important to meet one's own emotional needs as much as possible. I'm someone, however, who does NEED intimacy. But I find bits of it here and there in good friendships, in community, in volunteering, and in therapy. It's a patchwork of connection and may be all it ever is. I don't think I'll ever be alone on an Arctic voyage. It's my nature to suffer in too much isolation, and my vulnerability, and this year has been that for me. For a lot of folks, really.

Poet and I just swapped stories, and she'd once met (and dated) a similar man in the church community. Very kind, funny, etc. Once jailed for seducing his music student who was 14. She realized he wasn't for her, but later than I happened to this time. Oddly, maybe it's a poet problem. We're attracted to the unreality of romance and its myths because we are attracted to intensity on every level of life. Otherwise, I'd not have much of substance to write about. To write poetry, I drill as deep as I can, mining emotion and life for the subtlest surprises, which to me are as valuable as gold. Imagination is everything. But a poet can imagine too much in real life, where one needs insight to balance imagination. That radar that helps me see unexpected connections, even powerful ones, between ideas and sounds and images in the world that I can transform into poetry...can bleed over into imagining people-connections where they'd be unreal in daylight. Unreal or even destructive.

Poet friend's work is a lot more ethereal, abstract and delicate than mine. Mine is driving, punchy, and emotionally potent. There's a big thing for me in rhythm and sound, over idea. Mine kind of mounts to a climactic metaphor or revelation; hers floats and twirls in soft air currents and is highly spiritual. Each style suits who we each are, and it's fascinating to be supporting each other's art and life-learning.

She shared this morning that she's still haunted by her childhood abuse in Africa, and said her memories are full of gaps before age 18. She just knows she was terrified, and another memory had surfaced of being chased. I think the whole pack of village children would chase her. Her parents were so involved in their field work that they just abandoned her to the company of all the village children. She was very young and not ready for it and it all went worse wrong when an adult abused her in a latrine or outhouse. That horrible thing at age 4 has hung over her whole life. No wonder she spend several years with a husband who beat her.

Even at this later age, it's a joy to be healing alongside a friend who's also diving so deep. Like most on this board are. I'm really grateful for these friendships. SO grateful.

Thanks for your thinking, Amber. I value it so much because your self-sufficiency, though out of my reach to that degree, inspires me nonetheless. I'm learning not to shame myself for the baby steps, which in comparison look like crawling while you're on a tractor reshaping a mountain. Well, that's pretty accurate. But I'm infusing some of my little steps with more mountain spirit because of you.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Well, I can see why the guy was posting outside his neighborhood, where he's not  required to register.  He wants to shake it off and who knows what for?  Best to SOOOPH.... stay out of other people's heads.  If he's the kindest, most changed human being with a renewed connection to God, you cannot know.

I think the message you sent was fine.  He might be terrified you'll out him to the rest of the group.  I too have that pity button, but will always override it with care for children and grandchildren of folks less diligent than yourself.

Again, can't know what his motives are, but as my sister used to say.....

"What gets you off, gets you off.... Yogi must eat."

He's broken and won't ever be OK.  You're right to protect yourself. 

Sorry that happened to you, but am glad you have the group.

Lighter

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