Thanks so VERY much all-a y'all. I am soooo grateful for your input. Doesn't matter if every thought is magically on point or not, because when I read I know I have FRIENDS, REAL FRIENDS who care enough to share a point of view on my detailed, repetitive internal stuff. And external. Thank you.
Tupp, I felt really comforted by your post, and your reassurance that I'm not processing or thinking anything wildly out of bounds or irrational as I look at my situation. That really mattered and helps me feel more confident to face some of this stuff. I think sometimes that when a struggle has been long, exhausting and also under the umbrella of economic fear and without family, it is a little different. That you understand that part, without judgement, is a piece of reality that I appreciate a lot. And you're not blind to the draw of love and being loved, either. It's a balance. M wants security too, as he doesn't want to be without a loving companion. I'd like us to create it for each other.
Lighter, again your perception of what he is most likely to be feeling, and where he may be in his own emotional development, is quite amazing. I wonder if given some of what you've been through, your necessary vigilance encompassed an incredible amount of close, daily, really radar-like observation. It's as though you understand male energies in a very profound way. I think you have a (very expensive) PhD in it. Luckily for me, you are able now to see those male energies compassionately too, without the fear. I can't describe how much I'm benefiting from this. So far, I don't find myself thinking he has a personality disorder, fortunately.
Amber, you're spot on. We really do need to figure out "codes" for letting each other know what we need. And you're right I can be impacted by others' experiences too, but I understand that. I also identify really tightly with different pieces of different stories, but I think I'm okay in generally sorting that out. When I catch it, I'll cop to it. (Usually later than is useful, but I'll get there). Thanks for your simple common sense, that the key issue is to teach M (but more importantly, that he teach himself, which may take a while) that absence doesn't mean disappearance, just means "not here or not available" right now. I think you and Lighter both are reminding me that if I deal with my own anxiety effectively, I'll be in better shape to offer him reassurance.
My own T is pretty connected to my feelings about boundaries and violations and all that. Perhaps even too much so. So that brings me to our first couples-T we met with today.
She was lovely. Very smart, very good at guiding us back and forth. I wanted M to go first and he talked so long (surprise!) that I was anxious about having time to get out my own story. But it did work. I listened in silence to his whole story about his backstory and his take on us. He talked often about "we" this and that, which she picked up on and guided him back gracefully to speaking for himself. During my turn, I was surprised how much I said about how I feel and how openly and also, how painful it was to do so.
In a nutshell, I talked about loving M for his big personality and also feeling engulfed by it.
Here's one thing I noticed and feel odd about. There's a lot of cultural stuff going on between M and me. I think she is also from Latin America, if I got her accent right. And she is more feminine than I feel I am. So I got a little worried about how she thinks about feisty-feminist American women. I also got in touch with how VERY fierce I am about protecting my personal space and choices and how much M challenges that at times. I identified that I might feel OVER-fierce sometimes. One huge thing she pointed out when I described my two marriages was, "You've never had the experience of being intimate with a non-abusive man." Huh. I then told her about the big exception, my lovely gentle father, and she said that my first bond with a male being him boded very well. And that helped me reconnect with M's nurturing side. That is real...even though the flip side feels overbearing.
We both got to share a lot that made a lot of sense. And she was very skilled. We have another person to see in about a week before we decide who we're going to work with. I felt vulnerable and drained afterward and M was joyful, very optimistic.
On balance, I feel better too. I think counseling together is essential and will take a while. And that's okay. I do believe it's an investment of time and effort that is worth it. I reconnected with loving M.
Your next weather report will probably be late tonight!
I love y'all. Truly.
Gratefully,
Hops
