Thanks, Lighter.
Sometimes it feels like bullying ("I'll talk at you nonstop even though I know it's uncomfortable for you") but then, other times, I wonder if it's neurological or related to undiagnosed OCD, which he says he "is." He even said "I'm an OCD control-freak perfectionist in the kitchen." (He allowed me to participate by chopping veggies last night, which was so much more natural to me than being pinned on a chair while he Julia-Childs). It was a little uncomfortable for him but he was good about it and we enjoyed an amazing omelet. I also asked if I could participate by doing dishes, if he'd show me exactly how he likes it done. Both things helped.
If it's neurological, then I want to develop more patience around it if I can do that while also caring for myself. He said once in T that he finds it very difficult to stop a narration if he hasn't reached the end, and the T said it's sometimes as though M has a tape in his head that is louder than anything I'm saying. That sounds very neurological to me, that his own ADD/attention issues mean he is listening to his own head just nonstop. Hence when I start talking, he's deaf.
If it's also or instead dominance, I want to retreat.
I think it's both at times, which makes it quite complex. Both T's will help. As you guys do! (Seriously, send me your bills....)
CB, thanks much. You really do keep me mindful of the cultural perspective, when it comes to male dominance. It's a big thing. That said, I don't think it would be the cultural differences that would end our bid for a future together. He is Americanized and Europeanized to a large degree, and also he questions and examines culture for a living. He doesn't believe in macho swagger. (If anything, the micro-cultures of wealth and power in his family, and Presbyterian modesty and frugality in mine, are where more of our contrasts originate.)
I completely understood where you got to with your M, and for your very good reasons. I believe you had a very loving relationship with him but understood entirely why you realized marriage or living together wasn't the answer for you two. He is lucky to have had you in his life as long as he did, and even vice versa. That he still tries to take care of you to this day by bringing bulk food now and then is very touching. What a sweetheart. I think I was half in love with him myself when you used to talk about him.
Your ability to let that relationship go took courage. And then there's the piece that is different in our lives...family and backup in life. I will figure that out eventually. I know close friendships make a huge difference, but also know they can weaken. The quarantine, plus folks using social media (which I don't), has brought some connections into sharp relief. No abandonments, per se, but a recognition that people may retreat into themselves not just now, but also as they get older and the struggle of daily life is harder for us all. So there's less effort to stay in touch.
Amber, your take on Croutongate was deft and extremely perceptive. The thing about boundaries and why I was triggered, was how that weird event felt exactly. Precisely.
Boundaries, how to set and hold them, and what it costs me stress-wise when he fires up his bulldozer (whether intentionally or obliviously) and drives over them, is probably the #1 thing.
I'm going to talk about it all today in couples T. BTW, I have now gotten upset with M THREE times this week. The second time was Saturday, when he suddenly out of the blue made a belittling comment about a poem of mine ("that poem was trendy and au courant"). When I said Please stop talking about my poem, I didn't ask for feedback, he kept saying "I do this for a living." [In hindsight, he might have been trying to be closer to me, as he'd offered feedback I invited him to, previously, and I'd been pleased with his insight. I think it some unconscious way he was trying to kindle that sort of thing--that he'd do a critique as he does all day long with students. Boy did it backfire. Not only was his comment this time unsolicited and supercilious, but he wouldn't stop. That's the core of it. He doesn't stop. So he kept talking about and justifying it and obviously insisting that he force-teach me in that moment .... and I blew up and left.
Later I spent ages writing him to explain why that had upset me so. That poets I know do not offer their work for feedback except voluntarily, and that his refusal to stop holding forth about it when I had asked him to stop....blah blah. And that I do NOT want feedback from him on my writing unless I ask for it, regardless of what he does for a living, etc. That this is a personal and protected space of mine, etc.
Yesterday (event #3) in the car on our outing, again out of the blue, he brings up the poem AGAIN and starts holding forth about it (he's judging it a good poem but was insisting on me hearing his analysis) ... and I blew up and yelled, top of lungs, STOP IT! I've asked you NOT TO DO THIS! Shook me to the core, as when I'm pushed to the breaking point...there it is. I can get angry.
So, bottom line, I think if I need to pick ONE thing that would (probably will) sink us forever or....if miraculously M is able to contain his impulses and respect a boundary when I ask him to.....it's boundaries.
I have reached the end of my rope and plan to explain that to the Sikh today. I'm not going to try to control anything about the session. I'll TRY to keep my descriptions brief of these 3 events, but basically what I've got to say is that I give up. I'm losing hope, I feel I'm/we're failing, and the stress of all this means that although I love M and am grateful for our relationship, I'm thinking we may not be able to get past this issue of respecting boundaries comfortably, without snark or payback. (That's where dominance may also come in. I just can't fathom why, as intelligent as he is, he can't assimilate something I've asked that's important to me, and let it go. He finally did manage to stop poking my daughter-wound, but that took me stress to the point of a stroke--I honestly believe that's why it happened.)
And I'll see what happens. I just want to own my end of it and leave M's to him and to the Sikh. Either I become capable of steady constant assertiveness and boundary guarding without undue stress, or I can't. It may be too much for me.
M is someone who cares about integrity and ethics in his professional and family life. That's genuine. So one small hope may lie in discovering whether or not some of his behavior is compulsive. I think he just doesn't see or hear me half the time, except as a gauzy woman he loves. One thing I may also mention is that the effect of the boundary violations is that in the moment, he always agrees. Certainly. I will do that. I won't do that again.
But I no longer can believe him. That's really it. That may shock or disturb him to hear, but it's the cumulative effect of my experience. He DOES mean it in the moment. But in action, he winds up firing up the bulldozer.
Can you believe I still love him? I do. I write here mostly about our struggles. But he has sweetness and a lot of light in him and a big capacity for joy. I enjoy him 70% of the time. It's just that the obstacles, I think, are coming into much bigger relief and I'm realizing something has to give.
I don't know what is baked in neurologically for him, or even for me, altogether. I don't know if he is able to counter it all, or if I am. It may be as simple as, love isn't enough (I knew that) and behavior is what we live with.
For me, blowing up and yelling in frustration and distress is a major thing. I can't live that way. I won't.
More TK after T, maybe tomorrow.
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO grateful for all of you. I can't even express what a comfort this is. If we need to break up I'll be very sad but I also know I will ultimately be okay.
love and gratitude,
Hops
