Relationship/s

[lighter]

It's good you're not wasting any time trying to figure out IF a guy is more or less than he appears to be, Tupp.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I thought about chemist guy's Plan B explanation for a week or so, then realized what I needed to do. Wasn't angry, just something was bothering me about how sweetly and supportively and kindly I'd instantly accepted his plan.

Still did/do completely support his right to be where he is, and appreciated his candor in saying so (though that was only after I'd sensed something was off, and asked). Anyway, I decided about a week ago to write him one last time to tell him I'd realized it wasn't best for me to leave things quite as described. And my request was that if he does get back in touch it be because he genuinely would like to get to know me better, not just because there's a "position vacant." No response but I didn't need one. It was as though I was writing that for me, not him. For a change.

My T nearly did a cartwheel when I told her this, bouncing in her chair. I think we've gradually gotten it through my skull that I've taken on a whole lot of unequal or over-accomodating relationships in my past, because early experience taught me I was supposed to take care of everybody and perhaps I learned to neglect myself.

Seems sort of basic, a self esteem thing. But I'm glad things like that are coming more clear for me. I think right now, "Relationships" is just about connecting and having deeper conversations and doing more to bring myself into the orbits of other people, regardless of gender. Just on faith that I need more social fuel to keep me alive.

Sun's coming into the bedroom window. Morning is beautiful. Crows gathered to yell at me so I scattered peanuts out front. They're so funny. "The diner's open!"

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

::twirling in the sun::.

No crows, but I'm thinking if them happily hanging in your yard, Hops.

I'm right there with your T....
::twirling again::.

Yes.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I love the ways things/moments can be two things at once. As long as I SEE it.

Backstory: Holiday period. Tough time to be "alone in the world." But I was weathering it. Y'all may recall my happiness over my NY card, with its amazing pic of Pooch in sunbeams.

I had one left and was pondering: who'd enjoy this? Wellll, partly I'm sure out of the loneliness of the period, a little nostalgia, plus some what-the-hell -- I sent the last one to M. (He really adored Pooch and when I ended things with him, I felt sad about that part.)

Sure enough, I get an immediate email thanking me profusely for the "unexpected and very welcome" beautiful card blah blah (my message was just wishing you well, hope you'll have a great 2023 but the effect was a trigger for him). And he invites me for "dinner and wine" -- usual MO. And says he'd meant to reply with great new pix of his Gdtr (the newborn I fell in love with when he took me to CA to meet the family, who welcomed me as though I was already the kids' grandma).

I reply that getting together isn't a good idea for me, because it'd be "too painful" to revisit that loss but I (and Pooch) wish him well!

He writes again all about his decision to move to CA, which was his exact plan when we met. And a dazzling description of the house he's bought there, 20 minutes from his family. (Remember when I'd agreed to sell my house, leave my home, and join him in a new life there?)

I write back I'm happy for him, just where he needs to be, and congrats on his new home. Buh-bye. But I won't visit because that'd be "too painful" (to revisit the lost dream).

Anyway, in total, I say the words "too painful" in three messages. He ignores that each time and writes something charming and cheery. Writes me again that if I want to visit him just let him know, any time. I write back, no, it'd be "too painful" to hang with his family again, given how things turned out. But I'm happy for him.

He replies, "Just tell me anytime you'd like to visit me..." etc.

My last reply was one word:
"Nope."

Then I blocked his email address and moved on. But I was upset and anxious for several days just from the interaction. Taught me a lot. When a boundary is important for your health or healing, don't poke little holes in it! Feel fine now.

Hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

Curse those painful reminders, Hops.

You wanted to share a sunny pooch photo and kind thought.

M can't hear a word you're saying, no matter how direct and clear you are.  He just can't.
 
This is practice for your head and heart.  Another lesson and that's ok.

Blicking him seemed wise.

Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

Thanks Lighter, a lot.

I feel fine about the mistake; really do.
Sometimes there's a self-testing curtain call, I think.

Did I learn my lesson?
Do I remember what happened and why?
Do I still believe I did the right thing?

This short exchange with him, although difficult, was validating.
My answer is Yes to all three.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Was there just a teeny bit of hope that M had also learned to hear/respond to you Hops? Maybe the test was for HIM, ya know.

[lighter]

From where I'm standing, I think the shock of so many lovely things being cancelled out by a single character flaw.....is difficult to hold in focus.  Sometimes it seems impossible.

Experiencing the dysfunction again, the tightness in my gut, the sick feeling and memory of familiar despair pop back into focus.......and if I bought into hope....if I carry any hope it wasn't as bad as I remember....there's bound to be a bit of energy around it.

Once I have it firmly internalized....once it's living in my conscious and unconscious belief system,without doubt, all the energy surrounding the thing/belief/person/reality, ime..... goes with.

That's why buying into anyone else's opinions is so powerful.  The power comes from within ourselves, not from outside us.

Hops, I suspect you were checking your perceptions for changes and not M. 

That's how I read your response.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Perceptive questions as ever, y'all! Lighter, exactly what triggering or reliving stuff like that feels like, somatically. Mine is easing but I really understood that description.

I think it was probably a combo of both, but mainly a not-very-conscious test of myself. I didn't FLUNK, but did compose a kind of "what-part-of-this-emotional-common-sense do you not understand" reply before I quickly junked it. I noticed my residual anger, which bothered me for two days. Didn't hurt me to notice it.

M repeating his invitation was standard MO: repeat repeat repeat repeat until he gets his way. I actually loved his last word, that I'm "stubborn" (so similar to "resistant" -- remember that gem?), because all it meant was: "You said NO to me! This does not compute!"

My last word felt just fine. Sufficient. Off he goes to CA, I do wish him well, and my growth continues here. Might still find a geezer; one never knows.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I guess M is a good case study of the difference between people who can/want to become an equal partner in a relationship - and those who have mastered the APPEARANCE of same, in order to function in society at a less intimate level; for whatever reason, they don't have the ability to actually cooperate with another person at the emotional level. Society tends to provide alternate rewards which is a validation of sorts.

The main thing to take away from that experience, I guess, is that contact with others is needed - connection; and that you're able to be confident in your abilities to protect yourself now, Hops. I think, that's the little bit of anger you noticed - a natural response to not just, not HEARING you - but the understanding that he's not able to see things from other people's shoes. A melancholy sort of empathy, that he'll probably never "get" those kinds of rewards of being open & receptive to other people's feelings.

[Hopalong]

Wise and perceptive takeaways, Amber.

The first makes sense because M really is an extraordinarily talented masker. He has been performing nonstop his whole life. Where he feels most alive is in the solitude of his scholarship, and he has no limits and great success there.

I do feel empathy for him, as I did for Nmom, who was the same. Actual connection or intimacy is blocked by inability to tolerate others' pain. And buried deep, I believe he carries a lot of unrecognized shame. If he can't force others to fit his agenda, he is afraid, I believe. So he just increased his force and felt angry when I was "resistant." He's not inspired by enduring the discomfort of inner growth, because there is money, there is food, there is wine, there is travel. He spins fast, and his older age is going to be different than the endless visions of it he spun -- for himself, and for me.

My frustration was seeing what we both were missing out on. I remember my first husband quitting joint therapy. He wrote me a letter years after our divorce apologizing for that and acknowledging that if he hadn't, we might have been able to save our marriage. That was so impressive to me, and I told him I forgave him completely and was so moved that he'd sent me that letter. Healing tears.

With M, no apology or reflection or accountability would ever have been offered, because I believe he senses unaware that he would shatter. And that is very sad.

But no longer anything for me to be invested in. It was what it was and I took much too long to fully accept it.

Interesting New Year detour, or reflection. VERY important in that it showed me how I'm responsible, by myself, for not toying with fantasy, revisiting old wounds I've mostly healed from, or spending time in denial of any kind. Who knew what sending a card would trigger? I should have resisted that brief urge, but it's okay.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

He's still eligible for an arse kicking from me, Hopsie, don't make me come over there!  Lol.  I do know with myself that I've sometimes got to a point with a former relationship where the nice bits are on my mind more than the reasons it finished.  Then I do what you did; I reach out because I see a funny article I know they'd like or find a photo that I know they'd appreciate.  Then their response, like M's, makes me remember why we don't do that anymore.  I think sometimes you just need the reminder.  As frustrating as it may be at the time.

[Hopalong]

I'd love to make you come over here, Tupp! We could sell tickets for the arse-kicking and schedule it at the farm sanctuary. Options for attendees:
hug a pig, tickle a sheep, watch Tupp make dents with her boots in M's posterior.
Hard choices....

You're exactly right, I was needing the reminder.
What I have to resolve next is how I feel about how much the exchange upset me.
That reveals that sometimes what I tell myself about myself isn't true.
I'm certainly over the relationship, it's not that...but dismayed at how anxious I became. Just from two or three emails! I guess what it says is that I am still vulnerable and his way of relating churns up a lot of fear and pain.

Don't need that ever again if I can avoid it. The bizarre reaction to loneliness of the last several years has been in a way increased fear of people, when being with people more is actually what I need.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Fooled ya! I'm not in a new relationship with an individual, but this is a quick update about my relationship with the community.

Our local version of www.vtvnetwork.org is launching now. I'm feeling joy and pride about my work. I was VP, now head up Outreach and Marketing.

Just finished a comprehensive, 6-panel brochure that's off to the printer tomorrow, our designer did a gorgeous job, and I'm feeling happy and fulfilled. It's surprising! Also got our elegant flyers back from the printer, and feel proud of those as well.

We'll pass both out everywhere and I feel a lot of joy that it's taking off. (Mostly due to our inspiring leader, the Pres.) So many lonely or struggling elders here will find life easier and happier now, because of this new nonprofit.

That's it. Just wanted to share this moment and figured this thread would do.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Aw Hopsie, that's amazing!  I had a look at the link you put up; I know you've mentioned it on here before but I'd somehow missed that it's a whole nationwide scheme that's in place.  What an amazing idea and so nice that you've been able to be so involved in it all and get it off the ground   I really firmly believe that those sort of community connections are such a big help.  Sometimes it's something small, like a lightbulb that needs changing.  But if you can't get up a step-ladder yourself and you don't have anyone to ask - that's a lonely place to be.  To know you've a local contact that can get someone to come over and help you out will be such a big thing for so many people.  I'm so happy it's all coming together and it's been so enjoyable for you to do.  Is it a big group of people that have been setting it all up or just a few of you?