Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Meandering
Hopalong:
Amen, that is what you have to do, G.
And YOU CAN DO IT.
You've done a lot of natural, understandable things after the shock of layoff.
You avoided for a while. (When I lost my job I did nothing for several months.)
You've vented about the stupid bureaucratic system and how dumb it is. (True.)
You missed out on some money because the avoidance went on a bit too long. (Lesson learned.)
You pulled yourself back into focus and made a plan. BRAVO!
Not bad at all, considering everything!
So now, let yourself execute the plan/class as a dull necessity and do your best.
That'll carry you to your next step.
Don't abandon your life....you never know what something might lead to.
What's ahead will be new and possible better in ways you can't anticipate.
Allow for the possibility of good things happening.
Hugs
Hops
Meh:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 25, 2019, 09:49:46 PM ---Allow for the possibility of good things happening.
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Right
Meh:
I'm really tired now. I don't want to spend too much time at the unemployment office. A co-worker started a new job this week but she didn't even want the job. She just applied for it to keep her benefits going until she got an interview she wanted. But I need to not obsess over stuff like this.
Just read it's the new term for the old fashioned "nervous breakdown". Are we like having nervous breakdowns all the time? I've never thought of myself as having a nervous breakdown. Is it always like super extreme? What do you think...
Read that anxiety and depression are conditions underlying a nervous breakdown but we know that under anxiety and depression is more stuff FOO stuff.
Oh I found a page about it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-everyone-became-depressed/201309/bring-back-the-nervous-breakdown
It's now later and I am looking at my local community colleges, some offer bachelors degrees and technical degrees. So far none of which I have any interest in. Nothing is speaking to me. I do feel like what if I really am too old. What if I CAN'T get inspired. It feels so much like being set back a grade in school, like never graduating from one class, just doing 5th grade over and over so many times that I am so behind there is no point. I know life isn't always linear. I just have to accept some defeat and live my life anyhow I guess.
I feel like I am running out of lifetime.
When I look at the courses I think well there are things I could do because they are pragmatic, things I could do for interest or intuition. I am only seeing pragmatic things. Though I am really tired right now.
Meh:
Local office for training benefits wasn't too helpful on the phone, unfriendly lady. I contacted a different office further away they have orientation next week and they we're very informative just over the phone so they're helpful, I'm just going there. I wish they would mail us packets or put the information on the internet but they keep it all a big secret. it sounds like I haven't missed any deadlines for possibly getting into school fall quarter but I'm still worried about deadlines. But one never knows if the classes will actually have availability. Still I feel a little bit more upbeat after talking to one person who was at least informative and clear
There are only about two or three frogs croaking tonight, maybe it's too hot for them.
lighter:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on July 26, 2019, 12:51:38 AM ---
When I look at the courses I think well there are things I could do because they are pragmatic, things I could do for interest or intuition. I am only seeing pragmatic things. Though I am really tired right now.
--- End quote ---
Trying to think your way out, over and over and over again, Boat. Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting to feel better, bc you'
re putting so much consistent, thoughtful effort into the process. I know that feeling. I've done it. I still do it. I do it while the alarm bells are going off, and I can't turn my attention away, to my breathing, in that moment, to turn those alarms off.
I need a strategy. No thinking. Just doing. I think I'll just push on a wall.... just make it habit.... then remember to breathe as I push. To begin breathing with intention, as I can. I have to start somewhere, and it's OK if I do it imperfectly. I still haven't found a routine to move myself OUT of a bad place, and I know doing it as quickly as possible is important.
As I understand it, the constant little breakdowns, you mention, are moments when the alarm bells go off, and we soldier through it. It's how we've gone through our entire lives. It's our default. It's what our brains know, and how we've survived. It's how we'll always get along... unless we cultivate something else. And the alarm bells go off to draw our attention to our unfinished business. They let us know we need to pay attention to our inner worlds. We need to process, and file something. Put it down, and move on.
I'm going to repeat things here, I know, but it helps me to do it. I hope it helps you, at some point, if you need it.
How do we get under the alarms? From the bottom.... through our breathing. We shift our awareness, sans judgement, to THIS moment. NOW is all we focus on. Breathing.
In through the nose, fill up the wide bottomed vase, pooch out the tummy, then out through the nose. It seems so small, but it's the only way to let the body know we're safe. The body doesn't know we're not in danger when we're having that little breakdown. The body, the biology KNOWS we're in danger, and it's responding, readying for fight or flight. Focusing our minds on the feeling of breaking down makes it less likely to break free, IME.
If we focus on breathe, THEN we can shift focus on what's going on inside.... it's not really a breakdown, Boat. It's just our response to stress.... it's our biology. Our impressions of the past, and impressions of the past FEEL like we're THERE, right there IN THE PAST. They aren't real. They're just a story, and it's OK to put them on the shelf while we breathe, and pay attention to our inner world. You have the answers you seek, inside. When your access to higher brain is restored, you'll figure everything out, and the breakdowns will release their grip. They'll gturn into information, and your brain will file old information, and put it somewhere in the past, where it won't be SO PRESENT in our minds.
Maybe consider:
Downloading KARDIA app, Boat. If you get a chance. Breathe in, as the ball gets larger, and out as it shrinks. It's 4 minutes, Boat. Anyone can give it a go for 4 minutes, however imperfectly... just keep going back to the ball. It's OK when the mind wanders. Everyone's mind does. Just keep returning to the ball, sans judgment. Failing is where learning takes place. We SEE how easy it is to go back to the constant chatter. We notice what the chatter is. That's the starting point, IME. We learn how to distance that chatter, and we can't do that if we aren't aware.
What's going on inside, Boat? What do you feel? Where is it in your body? Your chest? Your throat? Your stomach? What does it feel like? Name it. Put your hand on it. Release all judgment around it, and get very curious about it.... observe this feeling inside. Give it a number from 1-10. Is it pain or tension.... stinging, or throbbing? Name it. Give it a number.
This is how we unhook the breakdown, the biological hijack that keeps us mired in old brain pathways. Old pathways don't care if we're suffering, or struggling. Old pathways only know they've kept us alive, so far, and that's a HUGE WIN as far as they're concerned. They're succeeding, and they aren't concerned with quality of life. Just LIFE going on for us. They won't stop functioning that way UNTIL we mindfully notice them, get under them, unhook them, and install new pathways. In this way we begin to make the changes. Small, at first, but a change in direction is HUGE when we begin. IME. Remember, it takes 7 miles for the Queen Mary to change directions. It seems slow, but it's everything when we begin.
It's good to notice where our suffering originates from. It seems scary, but it leads to deliverance from it, IME. Observing it is the answer. It's how we interpret our past, and how we fear for our futures, when all that's real is this moment we're experiencing. When we entertain stories, we suffer. Put them on the shelf. You can do this. You can focus on HERE and NOW. Just this moment. With practice. We're only practicing.
I know how hard it is to DO that, bc it's taken me 15 years of hearing about it, being guided through it, reading about it in many forms, and not getting it. SO frustrating. I needed a teacher, at the right time, to show me how.
Your alarm bells are going off, and you don't have access to your higher thinking/creativity, and maybe you know this. Maybe you don't. I see you doing the same thing again and again, and I notice your frustration. You know what questions to ask. I really want you to have access to answers.
When you get frustrated....
Consider focusing on your breathing, that blue Kardia ball helps me stay focused, bc focus is the trick, IME.
If you try... remember to be super kind to yourself, drop all judgements... shift into curiosity, and fill that wide bottomed vase, bottom to top, then let it go.... slow, and deep.
Even if it feels wrong, (PAT Pleasure Affect Tolerance) even if it feels silly, or hopeless, or like you're wasting time.... breathe, Boat.
If you can't, and sometimes we can't, maybe go push on a darned wall.... hard. As hard as you can, like your life depends on it. Expend that shooting up through your stomach and chest (polyvagal), and out your limbs energy shooting out of your limbs, and expend it. It's difficult to get quiet, and breathe when all that biology is banging around loudly, IME.
Kindness.
Breathing.
Paying attention to what's going on inside, and around you.
And more breathing to trick the body into believing there's no real danger, Boat.
Once you unhook the alarm bells, and breathing will do this for you, what comes up for you?
You aren't crazy.
You're doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. That's just craziness happening TO you, IME.
Lighter
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