Meandering

[sKePTiKal]

About the inner mom thing, G...

My mothering style is 180 degrees and world's apart from what I experienced from my mom. Even Amy says now, I was a good mom - even though things were often difficult for us; and she seems determined to make them even worse. My mom couldn't take care of a gerbil properly.

I drift in/out of spaces where my need and longing to have someone "take care of me" ramps up to nuclear. So much so, it hurts. Thru establishing some self-care rituals, I discovered that was one way I could "mother" myself. Certain things that filled that hole of need; helped me feel safe, important (to me), and loved.

I don't always need this to an extreme degree. Sometimes it's a just teeny little thing that takes no time to remind me. Other times, I'm just ready to collapse, give up, be a totally non-functional human while someone ELSE does the things that have to be done. That doesn't work out well, when you're all alone like I've been the past few years. LOL. Then I'd get disgusted and angry at myself - providing the energy to at least START on the things I knew I really needed to do. But all that does is reinforce the OLD patterns that don't work out that well for me. It's better if I take my time-out to take care of myself and let that work it's healing - THEN, try again.

I kind of made up a whole fictional character for who my "inner mom" is. But she doesn't really have a face or voice yet; a certain touch. So, she's still a work in progress. I'm building her from the inside out.

[Meh]

Tired. Yesterday met friend at art event. So tired when I got home went to bed early woke up having a nightmare 4 hours later (nightmares seem to be going round). So surfed offerings at community college websites. The one closest to me has a mid August deadline for certain programs, that adds some pressure to move fast, I can almost feel panic in my chest lol. It's always something. We only got the training eligibility letter in the past two weeks but I should have taken in seriously the instant it arrived.

Just wish I had this opportunity sooner in life. So much time has gone by. I physically feel old. Part of me just wants to enjoy life and not strive. I keep on coming back to feeling it's just too late. We don't live forever, can't work forever.

I'm trying to figure out how wearing the commute will be. If it's midday I might be able to deal with it. I don't want late night commutes on the bus in bad weather. On-line versus in person.

Next week I guess I will find out HOW MUCH school they will actually cover. Two quarters, One year, Two years probably not. There are few one year programs which I think would be a nice length, not too short to be pointless, not too long. There are some certificates that appear to be about one year.

Waking up & made coffee. There are two programs that I would have been thrilled to do when I was younger. There is a sustainability program with a specific deadline. There is a horticulture program with continuous enrollment. They are both so specific though. I'm leaning towards the business programs instead one of which theoretically is 100% online they seem like they have more general uses.

I've got quite a few credits earned from way back, if they don't expire maybe I can find a technical course that contains some of the credits I still need to turn it into a degree. Though I don't want to get too hopeful. It's all not as hard as I make it out to be in my head. I need to talk to advisors. See if there is anyway at all I can kill two birds with one stone.

Well I have emailed worker retraining advisors at the two closest schools I think might work for me. Just noticed that the school close to me does have some kind of exercise facility. Probably not very large. But still might be nice. The fee for it is mandatory for all the students it looks like. Truth is if it's all paid for and there's minimal cost to me then there's almost no reason for me not to do it. I don't have health insurance coverage right now that always seems to be some kind of motivation for employment but when it came down to it my health insurance only paid $20 of a $500 medical visit. So maybe I'm not missing out on that either. I hope this works out I think it's sinking in that I might really be able to do it and there's no reason not to.

[Meh]

well I told myself I don't want to waste a lot of time in the employment office but I also have to go through them to get all the training approved I have to remind myself that the point of these meetings is to take the next action step and not get stuck and  I have to figure it out and move on. I have to advising appointment I'm going to have orientation and workshops I have to take Sol only day off I really have this week is Friday. Two different School advising appointments this week. I just need to navigate the process as efficiently as possible and effectively. and if I get confused or overwhelmed I guess I can just tell the people who facilitate these programs cuz it's their job so let us know what our deadlines are and what paperwork we have to send in to who and where. And I need to stay quiet and nice in general not voice any frustrations or opinions.lol. I guess I probably need to communicate to them more than once just reconfirming exactly what they need from me.

[lighter]

You're focused, Boat.  That's great.

I learned a quick and dirty breathing technique today called tactical breathing.  It's used by military and law enforcement.
breath in 4 seconds
hold it 4 seconds
breath out 4 seconds.

Do it 3 or 4 times when you feel stress pop up.  It's supposed to tap into the polyvagal system directly.  I'm

Good luck,
Lighter

[Meh]

That's pretty funny about the Tactical breathing it's always good to be reminded to do it. I guess the military doesn't want to use the word yoga breathing or zen breathing too peaceful.

[Meh]

Posting this to myself more than anything. today I took three buses to get to an employment office and three buses back home = $16.50. As expected this days visit was pretty wasteful of time and bus fare. it was an orientation for one particular program, I found out they are not responsible for funding any of the retraining EVEN though they advertise training as part of the "Act". Only receive a small tidbit of clarity after asking two or three times what each program is responsible for. The terms are mentioned and thrown out but nobody says what they DO an what they don't DO- If only they would put this on the website, emails or over the phone tell us.

I was nice I didn't get frustrated I didn't get critical with him. I just told him I needed to understand which action grants and programs do what. I think the funding comes from the school itself -he also did not make this clear. Maybe it will make sense tomorrow after my appointment with a school advisor. Today the unemployment office gave me 21 double sided pieces of paperwork all of which has NOTHING to do with worker retraining funding EVEN though it says worker retraining on it. They basically just offer cheap talk, computers, internet fax which I don't need to spend $16.00 every day to use. I have one more orientation at the employment office that I have to go to it's actually important. After that I won't be going there anymore I can do everything from internet emails and usps I don't need them it will only cause me to be increasingly frustrated and I will feel more and more like I'm in a remedial life skills hell. They asked me stupid ice breaker questions "what's your hobby". Currently this IS my hobby FOOL. What is your dream job, I don't know I work for money don't you?  No I didn't say that.

This is a DIY process with some annoying flies in the ointment & maybe some helpful info here and there.



The picnic I organized I might ditch them. Tired already and it's only Monday, got more important personal things on my mind. The one vegetarian well I don't know if she is coming she says YES but vibe is not going to show up. Another person hates vegetables but loves meat and she IS coming but didn't offer to bring anything herself. I want to sit at a restaurant with a friend and have a beer, relax. They are nice but they sorta lack thoughtfulness and enthusiasm.

Right after I wrote this one of them texted me asking what the plan is. (smile emoji if they were working)

Yawn, tired almost midnight and I am generally anxious right now. Afraid of things going sideways, not working out in everyway possible. I'm angry at myself for not doing the unemployment stuff sooner, what is wrong with me.

Strikes me how many little tasks all make up life and it explains why some of them don't get done regularly. Cleaning out the purse, messing with phone plans, cleaning the computer, cleaning out the phone photos/chats, cleaning under the sofa, cleaning the fridge, grocery shopping (reminds me I really should be paying attention to sales), laundry, cooking, dishes, flossing, reading mail, making appointments. I'm not saying any of these things are hard it's just that sometime they can seem hard, commuting, toilet cleaning, shower cleaning, floor cleaning. I know it's dumb that I'm making this list. Finding phone cord. It's hard to know what to focus on at any one time, it's easy NOT to pay attention to important things, yourself, but all of this is like a constant and there is so much more.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-do-we-worry-so-much/

Maybe I should PLAN more. Put that worry into planning instead of just worry. worry worry worry

[sKePTiKal]

The "list queen" will comment here, G. LOL...

Sometimes when we just don't have the energy for the important things or we're avoiding them, those little things steal some importance from the ones that do really matter. Until they seem life or death - "where did I put THAT?" And you can't move on to anything else until you can cross that one thing off the list.

I find I usually make ANOTHER list, where I number those things in order of importance to my being able to function, what I really WANT, and the stuff I HAVE TO do to stay on top of things. Then, I pick 3 to work on a day. If one take more time and patience than I expected maybe I only get that one thing done. But it clears my path to try it again tomorrow.

Usually, for me, there's some emotional crap that's come up about the one thing I'm avoiding tackling. It distracts me, I can't focus on anything else really. I just want to feel better FIRST before I attempt dealing with it. But life, I find, doesn't always allow us that luxury. And in that case, I dig out my imaginary armor, reach down deep in side for inner resources, and set everything else aside until I slay that dragon.

And then, maybe I'll remember and allow myself to floss.

LOL.

[Meh]

Hehehe the dragons indeed  @ Skep

[Meh]

Having coffee, feeling a chilled breeze come through the window and feeling afraid for winter coming haha. Up early and posed for the neighborhood lack of privacy as I can see my neighbor back out of their garage and they can see me sitting on a sofa typing.

Important appointment but I feel sorta blah. Doesn't matter how I feel though. It's too important to let the blahs win.

A job that enables me NOT to work in the city would be nice which could mean a lot of things.

Kicking myself that I didn't sign up for an adult art class or something in June when they were enrolling. Lesson learned I hope. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

[Hopalong]

You ARE going to be okay, G.
I promise.
Keep doing the calming breathing things.

I can TOTALLY relate to the need for lists about very basic life-things when one is anxious. And agree with Amber that it's good to note which are priorities and then try to calmly plod through them.

Remember that all this will get resolved and all this will pass. You are not going to live in a permanent state of uncertainty.

Also, can help to think of the workshops etc as HELPERS in your life, rather than foes. Even if you have to sift them for the useful bits of info, those bits are there.

Hugs and courage,
Hops

[Meh]

Doing it. Sitting, waiting for my advising appointment on campus. Hybrid classes wouldn't be so bad they're half online half in person somehow.

[Hopalong]

YES YOU CAN
YES YOU ARE
YES YOU DID

YOU GO, GIRL!

HERE'S TO THE UNBREAKABLE

G!

[Meh]

Thanks hops

[Meh]

Now I am home. Today I felt like I was trying to squeeze an egg out of a rubber chicken.
 
The first worker retraining advisor I spoke with looked at my old transcripts/credits and determined it looks like I am only about 2-3 classes away from a DTA General Transfer AA degree something or other. They have so many freaking degrees. I've been out of school for so long I'm not up with the jargon. My credits are from 97/98.

Based on this she thought I should try to get the worker retraining to pay for a Bachelor's course to move ahead instead of taking more lower level classes. She asked another advisor about it and they said it was extremely rare and only happened like one time. My advisor for the day disagreed and said it does happen, it is possible.

I started crying in the advising appointment but stopped and she didn't notice. I guess it was the tipping point of I just can't take it anymore moment.

So I am having a beer by myself at home and trying to figure out how I am going to deal with tomorrow.

I've been told to email a couple departments to ask if my courses are still valid. I've also been told to make an apointment with a specific university transfer advisor which I did but it's not until Aug 20th. I told him to email me if anything becomes avail sooner.

It's 8:40 at night and I just had a department head reply to an email with questions about if one of my classes is still valid. CRAZY how hard these people work off the clock.

The question though is how to make a decision quickly. The school has funds but I guess it has to be CAT approved first. I think. After that she says TAA kicks in but it's federal so it takes a while.

She (advisor) pointed out it's bad to get oneself into the wrong program, she said she has done it. Doing any education is better than none is how I see it.

Im maybe at risk of looking at too many programs. The college websites list 2-3 worker retraining programs that qualify, but while in the office there seems to be a broader option. More options. I want to learn new skills I'm bored. I also want this to be doable.

Gather information. Don't talk too much. No frustration, no opinions.

It strikes me that I might not require approval from a case manager, I'm not sure who the gate keepers are. Technically we can submit paperwork on our own as far as I know. I guess that would be something to ask. When and where is a case manager's signature required on paperwork applications to TAA/CAT. Who signs what and when. Maybe it's a review board I have to advocate to. I wonder if they accept letter of recommendation. I don't understand who a person advocates their case. I guess that is a question for me to ask. How limited is the application form. I think I have it somewhere. If they say no can I re-submit. I mean my whole dept got outsourced out of country and the office was filled with computer programmers instead of us. I need to CALM down. Have a small amount of optimism but I need a back up plan b. A and B and C I guess.

[Meh]

* Anxious today soon as my feet hit the floor, high level, was pacing last night, I know it's too much
* ONLY show up, listen and be nice
* They screwed up my orientation date as they sent me an email saying it's tomorrow
* I'm going to feign ignorance about the date and recent email this morning, I've been planning on this all week based on a verbal phone call.
*  I'm not responsible for their confusion and incompetence. This is all part of the distract, confuse & misinform game that happens in these offices. Their rules are rules of confusion. I WILL NOT be a headless rubber chicken. I want to know what my options are I don't want to be cowed.
* Maybe phone calls and emails will suffice after this orientation, too much time and money wasted on traveling for minimal info
* I have computer, internet at home. I don't need a dirty computer lab.


I have this fear that they are going to screw me over and withhold training. I think trying to fly under the radar will be good for at least one more week. I just need to be logged for showing up. NO wonder I was procrastinating it's a can of worms. There is no reason for them NOT to treat us helpfully, professionally.

I see myself getting through this without incident. If they are nasty I will just stare at them blankly. I see myself coming home, having a nice meal. Tomorrow will probably be more hopeful as I've got an appointment to speak with a training adviser at a different school.