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Twoapenny:
Lighter, I think for me I am by nature just a friendly, smiley, put people at ease sort of a person - it's just how I am.  But - I am learning that it does send certain signals, quite unintentionally, to certain kinds of people who take it as a green light to, at best, talk about themselves for ages and, at worst, become abusive, manipulative, unpleasant and so on.  We had a guy from the water board come to the new flat, he just needed to check a reading on something before the account was officially signed over to us.  Literally a two minute job, nothing more, but he was there for fifteen minutes telling me all about himself and what sort of day he'd been having.  Just from me saying "oh hi, nice to see you, come on in".  It feels unnatural to me not to be friendly towards people but I'm like you, trying to find that balance between polite and 'oh dear God, are they moving in?' kind of feeling with some (and those situations with people like YG who are just so hard to deal with).  When I'm in a ferociously bad mood I can tell people to F off and with elderly neighbour (the one who told me his sex story about the young mum next door) I'm quite curt now - just "Morning" if he's outside when I go out and nothing more.  It's tiring, though.  I don't want to have to be guarded, I'd like to be able to be myself and know that other people can kind of get on with it and not be over the top.  It's another skill to practise I guess! xx

lighter:
I guess it's mistake to assume any treatment is about us.

My first husband wasn't SEEING me when he screamed at me, eyes and veins bulging....making nonsensical accusations about things not on my radar.

Now that I think if it, he was accusing me of not trusting him when clearly I did.....until he did everything he could to prove that trust was, indeed misplaced, unearned, unwarranted.

And it seems like that's part of being treated poorly by strangers.....extending respect and trust is a trigger for them.

I don't know about that, but a flight attendant once told me the worse she treated elderly NY passengers....the nicer those women were to her.  Whatever that's worth. She shared that story when I told her an elderly NY lady had purposefully kicked my little paper bag, with force.  It wasn't in her space, but it was close to the imaginary line and bugged her.  I was shocked AND amused.

And so......maybe take people as they come.  No more assuming the best if them.....but assuming neutrality....non judgmental curiosity about them.  No more assuming they'll be do a job or be competent, bc it seems to set some people off, ime.

I can do that.  I don't need anyone to assume I'm a good human being either.  I think I did.  Not anymore and it's just not personal.

It's distance and safety and looking at what is w/o expectation or.......
::Sigh::.
I don't know.  Trying to fix people or make them feel anything.  I can do polite, busy, on my way out, too many things to do, so must keep things short.

I think I do that too.....often.  I wonder why I don't with certain others and what about them might be involved in my choices.

I certainly can be very blunt.  I can be very short and curt and honest.....which isn't"polite" I guess, but usually it's spoken from a defensive stance.  Always reactive/responsive... there's not much thinking about it....the blurt is the ONLY choice in the moment and I know it in my bones.

The out of the blue craziness/lashing out from strangers is about them....not me.  The same with my first husband.....it was his stuff and once I put my foot down he changed his tune....was sorry....asked me to help him/ fix him.  But I had to turn and defend....assume an attack from him, bc he was attacking all the damn time, cruel, zero.....
Zero compassion.  He picked fights and had to make stuff up TO DO THAT.

I wonder if all the people behaving this way lack compassion....maybe that's a repeating pattern in my life.  I'm identified as a tolerant someone, SEEING them in a way they can't tolerate? 

Not sure, but I'll reign in my tendency to assume the best in people.  I'll be busier, on my way, always in a hurry.

I can't see how I'd open the trail and be ok with all the extroverted neighbors going through 2 and 4x a day.

I'm looking forward to my t answering 100 questions a week about my rocks, moss, trail, everything!

And I used to engage and answer and take on the negative energy of those doubting the moss plan.  Why? What did I care?

I half believe I let the porch sit, covered in pollen, untouched, bc YG acted broken hearted when I removed the big shabby chic bar.....he said I'd removed all charm....it was an accusation and fok him.  Why would he complain to me about it?

He wanted me to care, even though I didn't.  He wants me to care, still.  I don't.  It's in his head and now I don't speak to him, but I also limited contact with pretty much everyone at the same time.....such relief.

I have to pick through what serves and what doesn't.  I don't need everyone to like me.  Don't need their approval either.  Yesterday I turned 2 young neighbor gals around at the trail
...and they were chipper and polite about it.

DD19 and I watched sun come up together.  Woke at 6am.  It was nice.

Lighter



 

lighter:
That's a great idea, CB....to remove the trail at the street.  I could reuse that gravel to fill in the low spots on the trail I keep.

I can make a leaf bed where street trail used to be.. ..or fill in with river rock.

That's still a big job.  I'll tackle it in the fall if I m still feeling it.  I know I'm not up to removing tons of gravel. 

About chatting up people....it can be fun, rewarding, entertaining.  It can also be a disaster, too much, invasive.  I'm ready for it to be good things only


Lighter

lighter:
I was standing at the kitchen window when the YG ran through the easement with his dog... into the forest.  I felt nothing.

Since I'm trying to figure out what it is I need and want from my community..... what I want to give and share...... the YG's popping by gave me information. I have to decide if I'm going to go back to pretending with him..... ignoring still, but pretending, which goes very much against my gain just at the moment.

Or not. 

4 of the 6 neighbors on my street are elderly.  I don't speak to one of the couples, bc the wife seems controlling and toxic, which makes the husband's life much harder and mine too.  Easier to have nothing to do with them.

There's a super achieving couple with regard to their home, yard and garden.  They have wonderful grass, mow it all the time and treat it with chemicals, which is counter intutive to me.  They also painted their gray home bright blue, which looks wonderful, but all our homes were neutral and now the aren't.  It  must have been a huge undertaking to make that gray go blue and white,  but they're the kind of people who make whatever they put their minds to happen.  I like the husband and don't much see the wife to speak to her.  They seem very nice to me, but they all do till you spend any time with them.

That wasn't completely accurate.  A little bitter, maybe, but it's sort of a pattern in my life and that's OK too.

I have to figure out what to do about Cowboy couple and retired emergency room nurse.  The closest neighbors are both ill and I adore them to absolute pieces.  It brings me joy to feed them, roll their trash cans back and chat with them, esp the wife who's lovely and very kind. 

SInce the YG has embraced the Cowboy....... but only bc it got him closer to me I realize now....... they're sort of a package deal.  I don't have to be bothered by that.  I can just choose my times to visit around my schedule, try to avoid YG and call BS on any heinoush fockery as it comes up. 

Cowboy wife never felt comfortable around YG either, but she's really good friends with YG's wife at this point.  They're married couple friends and I don't really fit into that comfortably.  I don't drink anymore either.  Having a beer around the fire was the  center of the social interaction.

I wonder if Cowgirl is ready to be done with YG...... prolly is, but he's so helpful to her Cowboy  husband, so handy, so willing to do anything around the garage, house, porch needing doing.  Plumbing?  Sure. Electrical? OK. Splitting wood? Done.  YG wasn't willing to stand in the street and speak to Cowboy couple when Cowboy first came home from a year in intensive care..... a broken man..... bc he "never really liked him in the first place." YG didn't see any reason to be nice to him now, in his broken condition. I'm paraphrasing, but that was his intention and he pretty much stuck to it till I started spending time over there helping and hanging out by the fire.  THEN YG started hanging out too.  Began making it a  daily thing.  SO involved and friendly...... he actually said he'd "changed" his mind about the Cowboy..... decided he liked him just fine.  Ummm....... really? 

It's awkward and every day passing makes it feel more awkward to me.  At least, going back to pretending.... feels more awkward.  I'm not sure I want to do it, so what do I want?

To leave YG completely out of MY social neighborhood circle would be odd too.  It would become obvious to everyone quite quickly if I turned and walked away every time YG showed up. 

I AM STARVING while thinking about this, btw.

Very driven to put FOOD IN MY MOUTH. Stuff cookies into my cake hole to take my mind off THE THING.

I should have talked to the T about this, in hindsight, but it didn't cross my mind.  I was ignoring it, entirely and staying present and happy where I was... in the moment, but I miss the light social engagement with neighbors. Iwant to nail down what it WILL BE.

Now that I'm leaving for the lake, again, I have familiar feelings of putting things right...... making decisions and solidifying them before I go....... the desire to make right what I can make right....... and cookies. Making cookies comes up.

Be everyone's buddy again, by opening up my yard and property to their tromping through 2 to 4 timesa day, including YG?

Fight to let ONLY 10 or so people use it while refusing permission to the majority?

I'd normally cook something and share it with Cowboy and his wife.... she's so appreciative.  Wants so badly to talk at someone. 

I could chat up their son and his beard.... errrrr..... very nice gf.  That makes me nervous too.  From my perspective, that young man gave up the male love of his life to please his parents and it's a ticking time bomb.  I really like her.  I don't like who he is when he's pretending with this woman.  He's sort of closed off and mean... reminds me of my first husband too much.

Love love love the nurse and unhealthy neighbors.... they're on either side of me, closest.

Yesterday all the women were in the circle, grandkids in little police outfits with little electric cars and there were dogs and I didn't feel like joining them...... nurse, yg's wife, Cowgirl, the children's overtly nice mother....... the unwell couple were both there.  I miss them.

I wonder why I didn't want to go out.  I used to. I usually would. 

Something ablout the trail and the YG has me hung up, standing still..... not going into the yard like I normally would....... and I mean to fix it.

I have to decide what habits I want to form, bc they're so difficult to change, IME. 


I want to mindfully discern what I want to create with my neighbors and what I want to leave behind.

YG's being a creep impacts everyone.

I look as though I'm behaving strangely and he looks like the helpful nice guy...... I'm sure he has opinions about my behavior.  That doesn't bother me, surprisingly. 

What it does is present as something I'll deal with reactively, likely, when I jump back in the swimming pool with neighbors.

Retired nurse thinks it's ONLY the travel and renovation keeping me out of the yard.  That's her story when neighbors make enquiries, I'm sure.

I care what they think, dammit.

It keeps me paralyzed, I'm afraid.

Dammit.

And what if I just speak my truth.... everyone is impacted.  People will feel they must choose sides.... I hate that.  People will be negatively impacted,. bc of me.... but not really me.  I can't protect them. Not MY job to protect them. They might send YG packing, but his lovely wife would be impacted.  Their lovely social habits would be impacted.  I was spending less time there anyway,. bc Cowboy couple aren't really my speed...... I don't want to drink that much....but I can't be around YG if people know and maybe not if they don't. 

I usually ignore him pretty well, so it wouldn't seem odd if I did it going forward. 

It's one choice, to just pretend, ignore and sidestep.  It keeps homestasis in the hood. 

Young Lighter does NOTlike that idea. Young Lighter is ready to splash in puddles or step around them.  She doesn't see standing in them, pretending to be dry, as an option.

Lighter

lighter:
OK. THIS reminds me of divorcing.

Do you break your silence, mess up holidays, screw up your children's lives and share custody OR do you keep your yap shut, pretend, lie and keep holidays happy and joyful for everyone else?

I don't see sharing custody of my neighbors happening, btw. 

it would be a sh*t show and I'm allergic to that kind of drama. 

Women are used to pretending, aren't we?

So many excuses and reasons to pretend.

so many reasonsot to tell the truth, out the creeps and upset the balance.

Lighter

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