Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Yard
lighter:
What makes THIS house, street, neighborhood my safe space?
Liking and helping my closest neigbors. I keep them, for sure.
Going into the woods and being in nature.
My yard.
I like the doc and her lovely husband.
I like.......not having people tromping through the yard all day and into the evening.
Why my yard? Why do I have to be the one allowing everyone INTO her space all the time? I do not, that's the answer. I'm not the people who used to rent this house with their many many children and baby and bonfires and neighborhood gatherings with pot lucks and torches.
I FEEEEEL the weight of fitting in, being shielded by community..... I really want to be INSIDE a community, a part of, giving and taking...... providing safety and enjoying it too.
YG is part of the community..... an outgoing, helpful, talkative, extroverted involved in every damn thing part. Can Ijust let it go? Community? YG's creepiness? Both? Neither?
I think I'm about to be sick of myself being sick of thinking about this.
Almost there.
Lighter
lighter:
Doesn't have to be easy.
Doesn't have to pleeeeaaaase everyone.
Doesn't have to include the YG.
I can include the Doc and her family, the bike guy and his family, the ONE younger single neighbor who runs marathons and......my moss friend from one hood over.
And that can be it. THAT can be who's invited to bonfires and work days and chats over rocks and stones and moss.
I'm allowed to circle my wagons and that's what it would be, IMO.
Excluding some, including others. And they can wonder why and I can stay present in MY monents with the people I choose to spend time with.
There are unknowns...... but for the most part they don't seek me out and I don't seek them out. Not really a choice I have to make. It will make itself. They have access to the trails throuh other yards... their own yard, frankly. If the excluded aren't walking through my yard, my social gatherings won't be so darned awkward.
The doc and her family aren't liked by YG and Cowboys, for instance. I choose doc and her amazing tall daughters and ukelele making dh.
I'll always include the retired nurse and unwell neighbors. That's plenty of social interaction for me. That's a balanced give and take, protect and be protected.
If Cowgirl asks why..... why? I'll likely tell her the truth and release the outcome. Young Lighter can have her way, if it comes to that.
Or not. I really like YG's wife, but young lighter is more important right now.
I picture cutting people and houses and problems out, like using a dough scraper to cut away parts of the doughball... and discard it. It's dough.... so there's no feelings about it. Just no room for it on my floured board and that's OK too.
All this began with that creepy walk into the forest. It was impetus, but not the only force moving me toward these choices.
And making these choices will make my life easier, happier and more fulfilling. I believe it will.
Once I drop caretaking the feelings of others.... I can get down to brass tacks...
what's best for everyone involved? It gets easier when I think about what I DO want.... and stop fretting about what I don't want.
I don't have to put up with what I don't want. I don't have to pretend. I don't have to gain the understanding and approval of any neighbor.... at all.
I'm keeping the doc and her lovely husband. That's a given. The bicycle guy, who dresses up at halloween and wants to have parties and shares his puppies and is helpful.... asks for help..... has a lovely wife and sons.
Keepers, all.
Maybe the Cowboy wife, YG wife, Moss friend and any other female neighbor interested can begin doing Amazon bonfires once every blue moon? Or not.
I'm breathing happily again. Not holding my breath anymore. Relaxed. Happily cooking chicken fingers, sauteed Indian spiced zucchini and Columbian spiced black lentils.... must make sure they don't go to mush. SO luscious when left plump and bursting in the mouth, like caviar.
I am happy.
Serenity restored.
Is asking for what one needs every easy?
I think not.
Harder for those of us putting other people's feelings and needs ahead of our own, IME.
AAAAaaaand then my youngest dd asks for her friend's fake ID so her mom can take them to a speakeasy in Tennessee and NO I can't hand it to the mother. DD wants to hand it to her friend IN FRONT OF her mother then COACH me on not being a passive aggressive ahole so I can be friends with her. I'll deal with that later.
So, pug girl went into the yard at dinner time and ran to the nurse. I walked over to say hello to the nurse when the doctor and her oldest dd Amazon warrior dd walked up, then the cowgirl walked up then the YG's wife and dog and I had to hear the message board story about the trail twice.
The discussion turned to handling the trail going forward. There were many opinions and I'll have the doc post on that same thread.. the trail has been closed for good. No tresspassing on private property going forward. That entrance is no longer viable.
Just our little group will use the trail AND I can get some help fixing the trail and putting in the big walking stones when I'm feeling up to it in the fall. I'm so glad I spent some time thinking about it.
After the group broke up YG's wife asked to chat... to catch up.... she hand't seen me in so long.
I thought... this might as well happen, whatever happens and we walked onto my porch, me chattering like a monkey, which is my way when I feel something bad is coming my way.
I gave her plenty of opportunity to ask questions, make statements, whatever she needed to say IF she wanted to say something about anything in particular...... then she asked me to walk with her in the forest, bc cowgirl couldn't, and I surprisingly said YES. We walked. It was nice. The YG was mentioned A LOT, which was weird, bc I'd just shrug like Sgt. Schultz and pace on.
I didn't tell her to tell YG hi. I didn't ask about him. I didn't.
We parted at the street...the trail head.... and knew we wouldn't see each other for a while.
Decision about the trail made. Now, to put up no tresspassing signs and have the doc do my dirty work on the neighborhood message board.
I really like the idea of having all female gatherings around the bonfire..... no men.
Simplifies everything in my life, as far as I can tell.
The possibility of moving out for a year or two, and renting the place furnished, has crossed my mind. I can work on the island cottage, the lake house..... see about selling the farm property at the other end of Georgia and do something else for a while.
Leaving, for a while, is a good idea I've considered, CB.
I don't know that I'd actually sell this place...... you're right, it's a seller's market, for sure. Hmmm...... I always wanted to have a little place downtown..... get an unfinished loft and build it out myself. THAT's what I always thought I'd end up in here.
So..... choices.
Ya.
Lighter
lighter:
DD19 thinks YG's wife wanted to talk shite about her husband with me.....and was feeling me out.
Maybe.
lighter:
I'm looking forward to being busy in the yard when fall gets here.
My sister will visit.
I'll have trail closed with maybe 10 people using it, rather than 30-40 people I don't know... who don't understand it's private property, not a public trail. That feels good. I have peace around it, even if it's a PITA to settle into new routine. More people started using it when the parks closed down, so it was just out of my control and now it's not.
The YG talked to the bike dad of 2 boys...with the very nice wife. That lead to both of them texting me after I texted JUST the bike dad. They apparently spoke about the trail. YG had opinions about what I needed to do to fix the trail AND gave me permission to keep it closed and private if that was my choice.
I just let it go by.
He's mowing and weed eating and helping with my elderly neighbor's mission and my mission. I'm on silent mode with him and happy to chat with his wife who seems to be seeking me out. I have no angst about him right now. If he speaks to me I'll say it like I feel it and he'll be sorry he opened his big yap. Esp if it's in front of other people.
I'm still a little skittish about being trapped in the yard by him or other neigbors who want to use the trail and seek to talk about it.
I have no problem saying... "We aren't opening the trail up."
And just letting it hang there without further comment.
It is what it is.
What an odd thing to have my Nervous System under control AND not care so much about what others think/feel/need/want. Just.... like an ON/OFFswitch, it feels like.
I don't care how I'm perceived by neighbors right now. The ones I care about are in my circle..... on board..... helpful and lovely. Reciprocal.
Ya.
Lighter
lighter:
I'm really resisting being in the yard. I watch all the neighbors walk by with their pets....most of them won't be using the trail anymore. They'll all ask about it. I don't want to have those conversations with the heat and bugs. Will never want to have it, but will be more comfortable when I'm not sweating and scratching, so.....I'm cool with putting it off.
Lighter
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