Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Yard
lighter:
I know there will be fewer cars in the circle when I travel back home.... visitors to the elderly couple who just lost their son park in the cirlce.
I'm not interested in speaking to them all.... it's way too sad and heartbreaking.
I pick and choose my moments with the couple and that's OK.
Lighter
lighter:
Well, the dead circles in my yard aren't communications from alien life.
They're likely fungal and likely need to be dug up 10 or so inches and treated with anti fungal chems then filled back in with clean dirt and replanted with moss.
That's 3 huge projects including the large stone pavers I want to replace old pavers with and figuring out the walking path gravel track I should pull up, stake down and replace many tons of gravel.
I can think of this today bc it's absolutely beauiful outdoor working weather. Just breezy and cool, sans humitidty.
I also noticed all the things I need to replace.... some rotted siding, bc of gutter problems requiring attention...new hangers, etc.
Lighter
lighter:
Girls have keys to both small cars.
My truck is blocked in the garage by the little white car...... no spare key.
Moss friend and I set new playdate for next week....and I'm dissapointed, but not upset. Will have good visit and chat over phone in between.
Baby girl pug had to go potty anyway.....and likes a nice long walk to get the business done. I've stared this habit, now she expects it. Just me here and so...... we walked.
I noticed what's been creeping up on me lately.......
I can state a boundary with yelly guy, not dread it or care what he thinks says or does in response.
I used to fear the response of men when rejecting them. Like with the crazy contractor...... things could get crazy, but I can do things to mitigate the crazy. I see that now, particularly when I'm not listening to other people TELL me I MUST get along with , placate and otherwise put up with the crazy for the greater mission.
It's possible to rise up, get the lay of the land, SEE the moving parts, identify the greater good for all and act without garnering approval and acceptance from anyone but myse;f,which is novel for me.
So, with that in mind I walked into the forest NOT dreading running into the Yelly Guy. It felt very normal. Like taking back my power and setting my own reality parameters.... for me.
I can just say what I mean and I certanly mean what I say. I've stopped beating around any bushes with Yelly Guy. I'm not afraid of his 6'4" approx frame or rageful outbursts..... I'll always be outside where other people could be or are and that's enough proactivity for me, apparently.
I have peace with that plan.
What I'll say will depend on what he says and does and I'm OK not having that all planned out beyond knowing I'll set boundaries and trust they'll be exactly right, bc....
bc.....
something's shifted there.
When I stop avoiding him and the situation and pretending everything is fine.... there's room for processing and shifting into BEING OK. That's how it feels, anyway.
I don't have to have everyone's approval on handling it JUST RIGHT,bc there's never been a "just right" way to handle this,though so many people claim to know..... have advice..... can see the mistakes and misteps, but then...... I can't change who I am or shut everyone out..... and I'm a nice person who really enjoys other nice people.
I compare the nice married men in my life and one thing the nice ones NEVER do is talk about their wives outside their company.
They never go out of their way to get me alone.
They speak honestly when around me and their wives and we have adult conversation without anyone getting triggered or angry or innappropriate. There's enough information to identify these things IF one is paying attention AND TRUSTING their perceptions and instincts enough to HONOR them without fail.
I've always said I failed to honor myself....but was mainly talking about 2005 forward.....not connecting the dots to current situations,bc ...... I feel so much better. I have such relief.
I haven't finished shifting into belief and honoring self..... consistently. Without fail.
Maybe I never will,but it's there and I can reach it and it's not impossible to do it,IMO.
Once I chart a course...... it doesn'tmatter if the water's choppy.... I've set a course. I don't have to wonder or worry or ruminate about the course, dependent on the water, etc. I have a course.
That seems to simplify things A LOT in my mind. Makes it easier to speak about whatever the sunject is, to whomever, and whatever heat or energy pops up around the topi..... there's a plan of action....no need for confusion.
It;s the same with the lake house and dealing with the different personalities. I set my course.
The iffy scary part of my process was always around setting boundaries without my father's temperament and words popping up to do the work for me, instead of me choosingmy own words. He's imprinted THAT on my brain completely and it's not uncommon for me to hear his words pop out of my mouth, unbidden or summoned..... they're just there.
And I have to tell you...... he used foul language, he went for the jugular, he was smug and I never liked hearing those words pointed at anyone, particularly myself. He was pretty void in compassion, but got meloncholy and apologetic when drunk, which added a layer of confusion to hear him take responsibility THEN forget he said anything and look puzzled completely when I tried to discuss it during a sober day.
So, back to having this DEFAULT boundary setting tape running in my head.....which I don't want to hear or put into the world any more.
I have to invent a new language.....like figuring out how to talk to my brother..... this is THAT, I think. Same old thing, but wrapping it'round everything and everyone one without confusion or hesitation or having to fake it or buck myself up after stuffing it down where all childhood trauma used to land.
How to simply state boundaries, my way.....not using language others say I should use or language expected of me.... I can't heal the world through my selection of words. I can model setting boundaries for das kinder, but that's the end of my expectations.
I'm resisting using really friendly non violent communication, bc it only created more trouble for me with the crazy contractor..... but that shouldn't mean I throw the baby out with the bathwater, right?
Being misunderstood was something my father never ever ever had to worry about.
I do, apparently, bc I own female parts?
::sigh::.
Straight talk, without judgment, and without beating about the bush trying to save anyone's feelings seems the right direction to travel.
Necessary facts stated.
Stated boundaries.
Stated consequences... sans emotional charge. Just getting on with the business of the day...... without building it up and injecting it with fear or whatever conjures up confusion and renders me unable to speek my truth.
It's not fear. Not anymore.
It feels like a miracle to drop my head to one side, size up a person and situation and just KNOW what to say, without second guessing or wondering if THIS person or THAT person will approve.
Where in that eqation does my default father setting...... the BLAST of cruel reality( I didn't want to hear or say..... ) where does that GO? I guess I finish processing that heat and upset and move it OUT of my brain so it's not bouncing around in there, presenting as a choice anymore.
I never thought of that as a trauma I should waste good T time on, but I think it's time to deal with it.
And.... can I figure that out w/o my T? Since we're face to face again.... I think I'd like to do it with her, but maybe work on it while waiting for that appointment.
Sometimes I wonder how much of my troubled inner waters belong to ME and what belongs to the people who raised me...... if there's a difference and it feels like there definitely IS a difference.
In the meantime...... I'm SEEING things in front of me requiring attention,w hich means there's joy in doing mundane things in the house, around the house.
When I'm in the past or future I can't SEE what;s right in front of me..... it's like I'm blind to it. Truly. My sister used to say I was clutter blind, but it's more than that. It's what;s in front of me I can't see.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Wow. Those sound like big insights, Lighter.
Not just how to set and hold calm healthy clear boundaries, but creeping up on PEACEFULLY doing so. Disarming the alarms and trigger plates.
Kudos!
Lots of discernment, awareness of self and others' vibes and responsibilities, and where they end.
I can always think of the perfect thing to say in those situations, btw...a month later.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
LOL....yup. About a month, later, Hops. That's about the truth of it.
And I don't completely believe silencing my fathere's very direct, no bones about it voice is 100% necessary/right/healthy.
Sometimes..... like when we let child molestors and perpetrators of violent crimes OUT of prison.... that voice seems more than appropriate to me. We keep people in prison for 20 plus years for selling pot out of their basements..... fine, upstanding people,but light your child on fire and let him burn, to get back at your ex wife....and you maybe get 8 years. WHAT IS THAT?
Compassion stops at the place where future harm to innocents happens. It drops away and I'm not sure where it goes, Hops.
Everywhere else in the prison system..... I want to trace the people who created the harm and trauma and symptoms (inmates) and STOP that ongoing original harm..... heal the inmates who aren't moved to harm, rape and kill children and the weak. But not the people who get a thrill from doing harm..... not them, not at all. I dont' want themt to suffer, mind you.
I'd feel....... naked if that voice were banished..... I think. It's what I feel is my gut....my inner knowing and wow...... that's something to unpack.
Lighter
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