Thanks for throwing me a life line!

[hangin' on]

Back in August I had an urgent need to find a "name" for my Mother's "condition".  I searched the net for three days before ending up at Dr. Grossman's site. I visited this message board time and time again.  I found strength and reassurance here.  Thanks to the things you all have written I realized I was not crazy, disrespectful or alone.  I'm the 55 year old daughter of a woman (N-Mom?) that must have her way no matter how many bodies fall by the wayside.  This most recent episode started because I wanted to build a driveway from my yard to the main road behind my house.  The property I live on I bought from my parents 16 years ago (I've lived here for 25 years).  The adjoining property is owned by my parents and they and my sister and two brothers have their own homes there.  By having my own driveway I would not have to drive past my oldest brother's house (who hates my husband and everyone else for that matter).  Looking back now..with my newly educated eyes I see that it was not the driveway that sparked my Mother's anger. It was the fact that I defied her by deciding I wanted something on my own.  I by passed her power of authority!  OUCH! This has been an expensive adventure because we had to hire a land surveyor to prove to my Mother that we were "not" building the driveway on her property.  Now we are waiting on the well digger to come drill us a well because she had my two brothers dig up the water line from the family well and cut me off!  Thank goodness for friends...they hooked us up the same day we got cut off.  There are numerous things my Mother has done since August 18,2003 (the last day I spoke to her) to punish me.  She had a 6 ft. high fence built between the two properties and not wanting to bite the hand that feeds them my sister and two brothers sided with her.  My Dad (the bright spot in my life) has Alzheimers (sp ?) and isn't really aware of what is going on...I'm glad he isn't be hurt by this nonsense.
Oh well this has been a little peek at my life and if it hadn't been for the Voicelessness Site I would probably still be sitting here wondering what in the h*** was going on!!
I'm wondering about something...I read here where someone was grinding their teeth (I do this nightly---have a mouth piece now) I feel most of the time like my mouth is "wired" shut, my jaws hurt. Have always had an intense fear of speaking in public. Can't spit, can't whistle, can't scream..I can holler but, not very loud. Any one else like this??  
Sure glad I found ya'll!

[Anonymous]

Hi Hangin On,

I am always amazed to see how many children of disfunctional families stay so closely connected to them after reaching adulthood.  I am in no way judging you...I am only observing this phenomenon.  Time and time again I hear stories of adult children of N's who live either with or next to their N parents.  Or they live in homes owned by N's, buy property jointly with the N parent or work in businesses owned by their N parent.  It's as if these parents have learned to manipulate their children with certain assets.  Nothing is ever given out of love - gifts, opportunities,  employment and access to special family "perks" are used to keep control over the adult children.  I've seen this all too often in my husband's family. The kids end up letting the parents stay in control because they feel so indebted (is this a word?) to the parents for giving them so much.  The adult children are ruled by guilt and a sense of obligation...and I argue that this exactly the N parent's intent.

Is a piece of property or a dream house worth the daily heartache of dealing with your mother every day?  Have you ever thought of selling the property you bought from her and moving to another part of town where you can start fresh - on your own, free of the history, expectations, drama, prying eyes, etc.?   It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of setting boundaries and are willing to accept the consequences of your mother's anger.  But is this new driveway and well really going to solve your problems and give you peace?   Having the courage to stay put and defend yourself, standing up for yourself & setting boundaries is a great step which takes guts. But sometimes disengaging from the drama is the most powerful thing you can do to heal yourself.  There are some battles that just aren't worth fighting.  Living next door to someone that resents you simply because you live your life in a way that doesn't suit them can be a nightmare.  Please, be careful.  Take care of yourself.

[I_am_mine]

Hi Hangin On,

 The kids end up letting the parents stay in control because they feel so indebted (is this a word?) to the parents for giving them so much.  The adult children are ruled by guilt and a sense of obligation...and I argue that this exactly the N parent's intent.

I agree with you completely, but from my own experience with my Ndad, I'd also add that some adult children remain enmeshed/controlled because the Nparent(s) have systematically destroyed their self-esteem and confidence, almost from birth.  

That's what happened in my life, and altho I've been an adult longer than I'd like to admit   , I still have trouble believing I'm smart/mature enough to make decisions, and doubt my own judgment constantly.  Mom (who was an incredibly loving and giving woman) recently passed away, and I'm now involved in caring for Ndad, who is, of course, looking for a substitute source of supply...in addition, he's either suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's...just as I started feeling like I could take a few steps back from this destructive relationship, I find myself in the position of being his caregiver...altho fortunately, not a 24/7 caregiver.

So he needs me to be his main source of supply now, rather than just his additional source, and gets totally out of control and extremely verbally/emotionally abusive if I actually manage to set a boundary (I'm learning, but slowly).  I've got 3 teenagers and my own house to run, plus living 45 min. away from him...naturally, he thinks I should be available almost 24 hrs/day to meet his needs now that mom's not there any more.  

Altho I've been married for 22 years, he's never acknowledged that I'm a legitimate adult, and I think that's one of the reasons I've had a hard time detaching from him - I have this masochistic fantasy that someday, if I just do enough, or do it the right way, etc., he'll validate me as a competent adult who's separate from him...I know that's unrealistic, but it's a "habit" of 40+ yrs, and I'm trying to figure out how to break the habit.

Funny thing is, now that mom's gone (she took care of everything for him) I've suddenly become smart enough and competent enough to take care of the things he can't do himself...like keeping his bills paid on time (with him looking over my shoulder constantly and criticizing everything from my handwriting to my placement of the stamp on the envelope), but my smartness and competence disappear as soon as I'm done with whatever task he's assigned me...then he immediately goes back into "dictator mode", because if he didn't tell me how to run my life, I'd inevitably fail at everything.

Whew!  Didn't mean to go on that long.  Amazing how this stuff just pours out once I start.  I've been reading posts at this board for a few weeks now (my introduction to "N-dom" is fairly recent) and I admire and respect those of you who are on the same journey as I am.  As with many of you, for most of my life I've felt very alone and defective; I'm sorry that so many others are in similar situations, but...I'm glad for the company.

bobbie