Emotions Coming up--no coping mechanisms

[Bloopsy]

Hi. I hope that I am not complaining I guess that I am maybe I just need to let this out of me. I started getting physical symptoms from my emotional baggage, nerves, depression, I talked about this before on here well anyway I am going to the chiropractor for pinched nerves in my back, and I know that I need to go and also to the accupunturist to help with stress. I go, and at first it was okay but now I'm terrified. After they do their procedures the next few days the feelings(sadness, anger, FEAR) are so strong. I have no coping mechanisms, I know it is the children in me and I am having a hard time with being the adult and I binge and smoke and spend. I just feel totally overwhelmed. I need to go to the chiropractor tommorow and I am terrified. My back is all hunched and I know I need to go but it is so scary when he cracks my back. I don't want it to get worse and I will go(God help me) but I am so scared. All anybody says to me is that there is nothing to be scared of. I know that rationally but so much fear is coming up that it is hard to be rational. I asked myself why and I just got this image of a black hole. And if only I could just trust in God to carry me till I have legs of my own.
There is this voice in me that tells me i am a burden to everyone and it is even worse now and it calls me bad names all the time. I don't want to be a burden. Now that even more feelings are coming out again (I shut sown for a while) I don't know what to do. I feel so ashamed and I know i need this help but it feels like I am cracking and losing control of my behavior, basically, I'm scared cause it's coming so clear to me and my therapist says I am fighting for my life and that scares me and the neurologist says I am headed for a nervous breakdown and that scares me I feel like I am in acute fight or flight with no coping mechanisms---out of control.  
Can any of you guys tell me how you cope without losing it when you are terrified but have to keep going and don't want to make things worse?
Sometimes I get so scared and start saying bad things to myself about myself and that comforts me. But I don't want to do that anymore because I know it is abuse turned in on myself and I just can't bear to hear another emotional recall about what a horrible person i am. Sometimes I scream and cry but lately I can't do so good anymore at hiding who I am and it feels like I need to accept this for me you guys maybe understand no one is as cruel as the voices I collected. I don't want to collect anymore and so I shut out the world. I guess that is why.
I guess that getting the help I need is saying that I deserve to live and that is a hard thing. I guess that may be it. I deserve to live even though it's scary and i can't cope. Thank you all for reading this if you did.
Love, Bloopsy

[flower]

Hi (((Bloopsy))),

Do you have a friend that can be with you after your treatments to give you support when the fear comes? It sounds like you maybe are having anxiety attacks. Would it help to get a mild sedative? I feel for you and hope the best for you. Stay strong - you are a valuable individual and have things to contribute to the world. God loves you.

[Portia]

Dear Bloopsy, you aren’t complaining at all. Complaining? I think you have every right to complain if you want to. Complain away, it’s okay! But it doesn’t sound like you are doing that, not to me. I want to tell you some things:

You are not a burden on the world. You are as beautiful in living as anything else which lives. You have life and life loves you just because you are! You are part of life. You belong here in the world with everyone else. You are one of us. You belong and you have a place.

‘Black hole’ fear inside is horrible. I wish I could take it out of you and throw it away, burn it up. Flames devouring a black hole until there’s only a tiny speck of dust left. I wish I could do that for you but I can’t. I don’t know how to. You have to take charge of it yourself and let the black hole go, or drive it out. Do you know what you are afraid of?

People don’t like to hear about your fear because they don’t want to look at their own fears. They say “there’s nothing to be sacred of” and that doesn’t help does it? They say it because we’re all afraid of something, and we don’t like to think about it! We’re all the same, pretending.

We’re all afraid of something. It can be fear of getting old, being dependant, being alone, we can be frightened by own anger. We are often taught that being angry is ‘bad’ and so we have to hide our anger. Being angry is okay. We all get angry.

Do you get angry with the voices that call you bad names? When I say bad things to myself in my head (like I’m useless, I’ll never do anything worthwhile, I’m too lazy, I’m pathetic) I listen for a while and have to talk back: no, I’m not useless, I can talk to people, I can type, I can listen to people. Just like you do Bloopsy.

Give up hiding who you are. We accept you and you belong no matter who you are inside. If you want to talk about the cruel voices, that’s okay too. Whatever they say, we’ll listen even if they’re as bad as bad can be. They won’t hurt us and they won’t burden us okay? What does your therapist say about your voices?

Flower is right, you deserve to have someone with you to help you with your treatments. It’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to be scared.

[bunny]

Bloopsy,

Please call your therapist right away and leave a message for him/her to call you because you're panicking. And you aren't complaining.

{{{ Bloopsy }}}

bunny

[Bloopsy]

Thank you so much guys for all that support. I think that I will print it out if I can remember and take it with me to chiropractor and physical therapy today. I woke up this morning and had an instinct about why I am so scared, and it is that I don't take myself seriously enough in the way that I think I should just be able to breeze to all these appointments and "get better" after shutting down and not leaving the house for about 7 months, and that being traumatized about my physical symptoms is shallow.
You all are so kind, thank you for writing and I woke up this morning to what you wrote. It was wonderful and of course the voice(s) in my head say don't post this, it's just another chance for someone to see what a horrible person you are inside but I will post it anyway and I don't think I am horrible.

[Portia]

(((Bloopsy))) good  

You are special, unique and we value you. You are not horrible! No way. You're kind too, did you know that? You are very kind and considerate.

I agree with Bunny, talk to your therapist too... P