Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on July 24, 2019, 06:05:22 PM ---The emotional struggle is real. With both the friend situation and the mum situation.
Picnic sounds kinda pleasant.
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Thanks, G, it's amazing how hard emotional stuff can be! Really pulls us down sometimes. I'm so grateful I've got you guys :)
The picnic was nice, no drama :) That's what I like about this group, there's no theatrics, just people pulling together during a tough time. I keep saying it's a mum group but there are a few dads there as well and a couple of new ones were there yesterday. I also discovered that there's a disabled swing at the park; I'm not sure if son would still want to do that but he used to love being in a swing so it's something else to suggest to him over the summer :) The osteopath worked a miracle with my jaw as well; she said it had seized up which is why my headaches have been so bad. So all good in the end.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 25, 2019, 01:20:07 AM ---I hope the rest of your day went well, Tupp.
Sounded like some good getting out.
About the guilt over friends who are less supportive than you need. Instead of framing it to yourself that you are "discarding" them, could you instead try thinking about them with gratitude without the guilt? More like privately "thanking and releasing them" (from your expectations)? IOW, you can stop bothering about as much contact, but leave the angst over it behind. You can love yourself AND old but ineffective friends. Just by thinking of them peacefully; loving them doesn't mean staying locked in a harmful painful yearning. You can love people without being much in touch. Maybe you feel gratitude for times when it did click well and meet mutual needs, and "releasing them" from keeping up with your present self. You have grown and changed and are seeking more. And that's okay and it's normal and LOADS of people evolve through relationships that way throughout life.
It doesn't make you an N or a "discarder" of people. Friendship is an active thing, if it's satisfying. And when it becomes clear it's not and can't be...it's okay to think of it as a relationship that worked once, but isn't active in your life now. With peace.
As to the Mom guilt, you do have compassion for her, but your compassion for your own hurt girl-self, who was so badly injured by her behavior, plus the monster's, has got to take priority. Perhaps if monster dies first, you'll be able to have some visits and closure with her. Even if it doesn't work out that way, you'll still find your way to that peace. You've punished yourself enough. And your Mom's age and declining health is sad for her as for every old person, but it comes to every single one of us and is a natural if poignant part of life.
You know you can't change that. But perhaps as you continue your deep work on self-healing and finding ways to carry on, you will somehow connect with the little seed of mothering in yourself that did not grow in her. It's not present in her body and her mind as she lives now, but mothering is still in you, and in the world around you. You can find it for yourself as so many have to do, and in doing that, I believe you will find peace about her. (She will find her own comforts as life winds down, because the seeds of that are in her, too. It's not on you to fix it for her, though in an ideal universe, of course you'd like to.)
Hugs
Hops
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Hops, thank you for that very sensible advice, I am going to try that and see if I can reframe it :) It does make sense to think of it that way, I will have to practise flipping it around and being grateful for what was good - and there have been lots of good things - and not berating myself about it not being enough any more. It's funny how changes just don't feel smooth a lot of the time. It would be so much easier if changing and growing felt nice :) Lol
Yes, the mum thing, I know, I do get it on a practical/sensible level, I just feel that the bond that should be there kind of resonates even though it isn't, if that makes sense? I'm aware that I'd never find closure through her; just from conversations she has with my sister it's clear there's been absolutely no change, her narrative is the same as ever and I can't see that ever changing, and maybe there would be no closure for me either way - maybe it's just not something we can close? I don't know, I see old people around, living alone, only seeing the check out lady in the supermarket or the doctor from time to time and it breaks my heart. I do what I can but individual people can only do so much. It's a societal thing, so much focus on work and money means people aren't useful once they're out of employment and if they haven't got a good circle of people who love them they're kind of buggered from that point on. I'm aware that my mum would be a lot nicer to me if I wasn't her daughter which is an odd turn of events. But yes, I will carry on working on myself and my own healing and will content myself with talking to old ladies at the bus stop and offering to carry their shopping (and a funny story; I was in a shop yesterday when an elderly chap dropped his keys. I said "oh let me get those for you" and bent down to pick them up and my back went and I couldn't get back up - he ended up having to help me :) Note to self; I'm heading a bit towards that phase as well. Osteo has sorted my back (I was on my way to see her) so all good now :) ).
Thanks Hopsie, I will concentrate on gratitude and release and let you know how it goes :) xx
Meh:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on July 25, 2019, 01:54:56 AM ---and not berating myself about it not being enough any more
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Same. Now I'm thinking about it the self berating part.
lighter:
Tupp:
Thank goodness the osteo helped with your jaw. You're asking for help, and getting it. So important to do that, IME. Did they say what's going on that your jaw is locking up?
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on July 25, 2019, 04:02:12 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on July 25, 2019, 01:54:56 AM ---and not berating myself about it not being enough any more
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Same. Now I'm thinking about it the self berating part.
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I know, we create more work for ourselves, I think? I'm so used to not making any demands on anyone, ever, that something as simple as saying, yep, I want more than this person can give me feels wrong. And of course it isn't, wanting friendships that run roughly fifty/fifty with people who understand the situation I'm in and who want to keep in regular contact isn't a big ask of anyone (in fact it sounds like minimum requirement in a friend!). Just time to re-evaluate and shift gears, I think :) xx
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