Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
And in the spirit of positivity I have emailed the local Forest School; they run weekly well being sessions for carers and people with mental health difficulties and they also do sessions for adults with learning disabilities so that might be suitable for son next year. I can check it out while I'm there and I think the wellbeing sessions would help me so I've asked if I can go along :) I've also put a note in my diary to go to the next couple of meetings with the local eco group and I've got my weekly meet ups with the nice mums. I think later on today I'll sit down and write myself some self help checklists for different situations - feeling overwhelmed, feeling anxious, panic, fear, exhaustion. I have got things that help me in all of those situations but I find when I'm in it everything goes out of my mind and I can't think straight. So perhaps if I write myself some lists and stick them on the wall in my room when something happens I can work through my list (me and lists! Where would I be without my lists!) and that might get me out of it again quicker.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: CB123 on August 03, 2019, 11:32:37 PM ---Tupp,
I didn't question my kids when they shaved their heads so you are giving me some insight into their possible thought processes. The bewilderment you describe is what I noticed, but I left it alone. My kids have been remarkably non-rebellious in general and I thought it was a small thing to shave one's head!
I identify the sense of being cut adrift that you expressed. I have felt it acutely since I moved back to the city almost 5 years ago. My kids also have required care far into adulthood, and there was just this sense that the day to day pressure was never-ending. I have moved too often in the last 12 years to sustain many (any) friendships--all of my energy was working, keeping my family above water and,until a few years ago, my relationship with M. He was a great encouragement in all that, until he wasn't. That relationship breaking up was more than the loss of a romance, I think, but also a friendship.
So, like you, I find that I dont see a clear path forward. I have been rather desperate in some of the darker days, but I have begun to make peace with it just out of exhaustion, probably! I feel as though I have expended so much energy just making life work, I can't imagine building a new friendship. It would be wonderful to have that "remember when" that you talk about, without there being pain attached to it. But failing that, I am okay with peace too--rather solitary peace as it is.
Do you think that a small part time job would help any for you? Sometimes I think that friendships are made these days only with work mates. My work mates are all much younger than I am, so that's not going to happen in my case. I dont know your situation whether that's even a possibility for you. I thought I would retire as soon as I could possibly, and now I find that I am worried that I would not have even the social outlets I have now, if I did. So, for me, employment has been a bit of a stabilizer.
I see myself in so much of what you have expressed here. I wish I could encourage you more, but perhaps we will muddle through together.
CB
--- End quote ---
Oh CB, so much of what you wrote resonated with me! The day to day pressures are huge, although largely invisible, which I think is what causes my frustration with other people not 'getting' it. With us, a lot of the care is around avoiding doing things that are stressful or tiring - which for my son is pretty much anything that involves leaving his room. So the planning to involved in getting (a) the day to day necessities done and then (b) trying to keep him engaged in a range of interests, active, living healthily and so on, is enormous and I can't do spontaneous or spur of the moment. Similarly I'm constantly exhausted now so I'm at a stage where, once what needs to be done is done, I really need to just sit and rest - which other people don't seem to be able to understand. So we get invited to things that we can't go to (and it is nice to be invited, even if we can't go) but I find very few people are willing to make the effort to talk on the phone regularly or come over. So most weeks I see my nice mums at the group for an hour or so and that's it for the week. I've one friend who always catches up by phone at the weekends so it probably totals about two hours of conversation a week, leaving me alone for the other 166 and I do find it's just too much. I think I've got to the point now where isolated and alone is so normal for me that being around other people is actually quite stressful. I find it hard to relate to other people now - their lives of meeting up with family, planing evenings out, going on holiday, attending courses, getting promotions, watching their kids go through college, Uni and then into the big wide world is alien to me and I find it as difficult to relate to them as they do to me. I find that if I do explain how I feel to someone or explain the situation to them that I generally get suggestions as to what I can do about the problem - other people don't seem to think it's down to them to pick the phone up occasionally or come over one evening. For me other people making an effort is what would make the difference - and of course I can't make anyone do that. But - I have got you guys, and I have got a couple of amazing friends so that's what I'm trying to focus on now :)
Part time work isn't an option at the minute because of son's care needs and the difficulties of getting him looked after but once all the education battles are sorted out and finalised I do want to look into opening a community shop. I don't know if you have them in the States but they're starting to pop up here. They're not for profit co-operatives, usually selling healthy, environmentally friendly products, with any profits made being spent on courses and workshops for local people to attend. I'd like to see if I can set something like that up as son would be able to come with me if care was a problem, and I'd like to see if I can set up a community room alongside it that runs quiet, sedentary classes and workshops for anyone who struggles to cope with the constant noise and rushing about that society seems to be now. I find that everything set up for adults with learning disabilities is either very active and/or very noisy - neither of which son can cope with for long, which is why we have so many problems. So I'd like to set up quieter pursuits - photography, computer training, short film making, book club, poetry workshop, Scrabble competition, that sort of thing - aimed to cater for people with learning disabilities but open to anyone else who finds they need a bit of support and understanding. I'd really love to just have a quiet space that people can drop in to, just to sit and read, play a game of cards, have a quiet chat or just stare into space - no phones, no background music, no computer games or coffee machines hissing and whirring - just nice and quiet :)
That's my aim once I get son's personal stuff sorted. I have always felt that the support we need just isn't there so I need to find a way to provide it for him, I think, but without it being just on my shoulders. So if I can set up some sort of shop with a few courses and workshops running on the side I think that will be a good step in the right direction.
I think muddling through is the way forward, CB! I do think that, as you say, you put so much energy into just getting through the day that you really do need other people to make a bit more of an effort to reach out, but it doesn't seem to happen often. I don't know what the answer is. I think our society is so focused on making money and then spending that money in 'fun' ways that it doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for people. Which I think is sad. We can only muddle through. I hope that some companionship, at least, comes out of your work relationships. That's why this board is so amazing, it gives us a chance to connect in a way that a lot of us can't with the outside world :) xx xx
Twoapenny:
It occurred to me after writing all of that that I suppose we're all just looking for what we want. Friends who are looking for people to go out with and do things with seek that, those of us who have to stay in and want people to visit seek that. I guess it's about making deep enough connections with people that they're willing to put the time in - and does that mostly come from romantic relationships? I guess single women will want to be out more looking to meet someone special and coupled up women will be spending their time with their love. So I guess being single and having to stay at home isn't a great combination. But I have good connections with you guys, I'm trying very hard to focus on my friends who do stay in touch and I enjoy the mum group. Hopefully I can join this forest wellbeing group and at least learn some useful skills and be outdoors more, and I'm going to make the effort to get along to the eco group as often as I can. So perhaps social get togethers that at the very least aren't draining and perhaps more will come from that.
lighter:
The tree situation isn't a real nightmare, Tupp. It's a decision I made, and I'll deal with it. Same as your hair. It'll grow back, and you'll have impressions about the decision, your hair as it grows, and how you keep it going forward. Not good or bad, just information.
I know I learned a lot about myself. I think about it as I move through the clean up, and try to hold zero judgment around it.
I did it bc looking UP, at that moment with a tree guy pointing out dangerous branches/trees, made me feel unsafe. Big dead branches, over my children's heads as they walk in the yard, and sleep in their bedrooms.
I'd just decided to go to Toronto for a funeral after hearing something about the final moments of the beloved person's life dealing with cancer, and that was a huge stress for me.
I see why I did it. I understand I KNEW better as I moved through the decision making process, but went ahead anyway. Very clearly my decision making process was hijacked, and that's information I'll benefit from going forward.
We'll be OK, Tupp.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 04, 2019, 11:59:42 AM ---The tree situation isn't a real nightmare, Tupp. It's a decision I made, and I'll deal with it. Same as your hair. It'll grow back, and you'll have impressions about the decision, your hair as it grows, and how you keep it going forward. Not good or bad, just information.
I know I learned a lot about myself. I think about it as I move through the clean up, and try to hold zero judgment around it.
I did it bc looking UP, at that moment with a tree guy pointing out dangerous branches/trees, made me feel unsafe. Big dead branches, over my children's heads as they walk in the yard, and sleep in their bedrooms.
I'd just decided to go to Toronto for a funeral after hearing something about the final moments of the beloved person's life dealing with cancer, and that was a huge stress for me.
I see why I did it. I understand I KNEW better as I moved through the decision making process, but went ahead anyway. Very clearly my decision making process was hijacked, and that's information I'll benefit from going forward.
We'll be OK, Tupp.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Sorry that you've lost someone close, Lighter, yes, that sort of news can make us do and say all sorts of things that we don't want to do or say. My hair is already looking less hideous - I'll be wearing the scarf for a while (I quite like it, actually) but it's already not as bad as it was a week ago (and people keep holding doors open for me; I think they might think I'm having chemo :) ).
I think I was feeling very overwhelmed with all the paperwork, very worn down and invisible and I wonder if people not ringing links in to my feelings of invisibility as well. I do feel it very acutely and struggle with it (and those co-dependency issues crop up again; when I used to do things for lots of people my phone never stopped ringing. When I stopped, so did the calls. That was hard).
I'd also been feeling very torn about the friends who haven't kept in touch much since we moved (the ones we now live near to). I've been so hurt by that, and so utterly surprised as well. I just didn't see that coming. But I also struggle with feeling guilty for being 'demanding', ruminating on whether or not I'm being reasonable, wondering what it is about me that makes people feel so reluctant to ring for a chat every now and again, why do my own family not want me, why haven't I had a boyfriend for so long, and so on. I think that's played in to it all as well.
I feel less like that now. A couple of them have got in touch over the weekend; it's my birthday this week and they've contacted about meeting up and I realised a big part of it is, I just don't want to. Regardless of all the other things that have gone on, I just find spending time with them too tiring right now and I don't feel up to doing it. So I'm trying just to go with how I feel and not think too much about anything else. I've a friend down for holidays this week so I'm seeing her on the day, which is a handy excuse for not seeing anyone else. Life can be complicated at times :) Lol. I hope you get your trees sorted soon xx xx
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