Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Hopalong:
I'm so sorry, (((((Tupp)))))).
My D did the same during her particular bipolar darkness at one point.
I think it' was her way of saying to the world, I have pain and I am overwhelmed and I am vulnerable. SEE ME.
Reminds me of the absolutely brilliant standup comedienne, Hannah Gadsby.
I admire her almost more than anyone I can think of in show biz.
She "broke" comedy, blasted through the third wall, and it was very much like watching a woman shave her head, in this culture.
Bravo you. I'm sorry there's regret (thank heaven hair grows). But I totally get the appeal. It occured to me about a year ago, briefly. When I began losing my hair, I asked myself...would I be happier if I just got rid of all of it?
Only reason I didn't was the necessity for maintenance. Waaay too lazy.
I know you are gorgeous, hair or no hair.
Please keep posting, dear Tupp.
love to you,
Hops
lighter:
Tupp:
There are degrees to breaking down, and understanding what happened later on, IME.
Having a way to chart our days,
maybe gage physical pain from 1-10
dread 1-10
fear 1-10
happiness 1-10
Something we can get in a glance.
A place for notes.... "hired sketchy tree guys bc they knocked on the door. and looking up sent me into panic mode..... right before going out of the country, leaving a huge mess in the yard I still haven't dealt with...." that kind of thing. I honestly feel this is such an out of character move for me... it's like shaving my head. It's like trees exploded all over the moss. There's holes that are 2 feet deep, and moss dragged into the leaves, and huge divets, and ruts.... oh my. I have to get up all the saw dust. I'm honestly shocked at that decision. I HAVE TREES I NEED TO MOVE BY SECTIONS, and no idea where I'll move them.
You know what.... like your hair, I know the situation will resolve, so no use worrying about it. We do what we can, then let go of the outcome.
I've said that. Given that advice. Taken that advice, but this is the first time I've understood that advice, and know why it's a better strategy than the anxiety/racing mind syndrome of anticipating problems, which is really hard to live with, IME. It's also my main coping strategy, if I'm being honest. Having one week of consistently NOT doing that has changed how I see my life, and world.
It's a longer respite, and it helps things stick, IME.
Having little moments, here and there, was all I could manage before, and it likely kept me from going over many edges, or at least brought me back, which is a lot when we're stuggling, IME.
I want something better.
I want to be OK most of the time, and not suffer more than once over the things I have on my plate.
If I have a problem, I look at my resources, healthy boundaries, logical consequences, list the things I have to do in order to get the best possible outcome, DO what I can (with compassion, and the calm tapping and breathing can help bring) then release the outcome, and KNOW there's nothing else I could do to bring about a better outcome.
Wishing and worrying doesn't change anything, so I'm ready to let them go in the name of more peace in my life.
Drat, this is your thread. I didn't mean to post so long on your thread. Sorry, (((Tupp)))
::straightening Tupp's hat::
We're going to be OK: )
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 02, 2019, 12:43:01 PM ---I'm so sorry, (((((Tupp)))))).
My D did the same during her particular bipolar darkness at one point.
I think it' was her way of saying to the world, I have pain and I am overwhelmed and I am vulnerable. SEE ME.
Reminds me of the absolutely brilliant standup comedienne, Hannah Gadsby.
I admire her almost more than anyone I can think of in show biz.
She "broke" comedy, blasted through the third wall, and it was very much like watching a woman shave her head, in this culture.
Bravo you. I'm sorry there's regret (thank heaven hair grows). But I totally get the appeal. It occured to me about a year ago, briefly. When I began losing my hair, I asked myself...would I be happier if I just got rid of all of it?
Only reason I didn't was the necessity for maintenance. Waaay too lazy.
I know you are gorgeous, hair or no hair.
Please keep posting, dear Tupp.
love to you,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops. I'm sorry that you've had this with your D as well. I have been thinking this morning (or for the last few days, more specifically, but it felt clearer this morning), that I think I feel at the moment that I've not got any personal happiness in my life - and I feel like I haven't got any more ways to try to get it now? I'm thinking about what it means for me. I do love to feel wanted - not in a needy way, but when someone phones because they just want to talk to you. Not about themselves, but you, as a person. When they want to know what you think and feel for no reason other than they like that and they have that sort of connection with you. For me that's different to company - I can get company all day, every day, but I find it tiring and I don't always enjoy it. But I do love deep connections and long, rambling conversations and I love those chats you can have with someone you're really close to because they 'get' what you're saying without you needing to explain it. I love those reminiscing sort of chats where you say, "do you remember that time we went to .................." and you're both laughing without saying anything else because you know the incident and what happened and it's just that shared memory, without anyone needing to explain it. I really miss that.
Work is important to me, or paid work at least. I'm not materialistic but the constant financial pressure is exhausting. There are flats available to rent near where we are now, bigger than our current house and cheaper, but they don't allow tenants on housing benefit. That frustrates me - I pay the rent here even though it's more but I'm not judged on my reality - I'm judged by the source of my income. That makes me unhappy.
I've felt for years that I needed to prove everyone wrong and that I would eventually end up with an amazing life and I could shout, "Ha ha! Look at me now! Fuckface!". Lol. And yes, I know it could still happen but I'm out of ideas for ways to try and make life happier now. I feel it's more about finding ways to cope with it and I find that quite depressing.
I can sort a care plan out for son, get him enrolled in different things, get carers in place - but none of that will change other people and I think that's my big sticking point - meeting people who are my 'thing', getting to know them, building the friendship, testing it with a trying time (and it passing the test) - that's a lot of work and I feel like I fall at the first hurdle with a lot of people.
So yes, I kind of think the head shaving thing may have been a real, "okay, there's nothing else I can do now. Where do I go from here?" sort of a moment (as well as a kind of temporary insanity - it was like watching someone else do it. Very odd).
But - I have you guys. I have two very close, real life friends, several good acquaintances and I am meeting potential new friends. I can focus on getting my home as comfortable as possible, getting my finances back in order, sorting out some paid work that son can be involved in in some way. I have things I can focus on so I just need to keep moving forward, resting when needed, reminding myself that I don't need to solve all the problems of the world every day. And I have a nice scarf to wear on my head now and it will only take a couple of months to grow back. I might even grow it long again! I've got plenty of hot water for a nice bath and I'm going to carry on with trying to make a bit of an effort with my appearance. Son and I are going to walk into town later (I can take his wheelchair in case he gets tired as it's a flat pedestrian path all the way into town so it's easy to push). And my friend is coming down for her holiday next week so I can spend lots of time with her and her lovely family and I know that will make me feel a lot better.
Thank you to all of you for caring so much, it really does mean a lot to me xx xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 02, 2019, 04:27:00 PM ---Tupp:
There are degrees to breaking down, and understanding what happened later on, IME.
Having a way to chart our days,
maybe gage physical pain from 1-10
dread 1-10
fear 1-10
happiness 1-10
Something we can get in a glance.
A place for notes.... "hired sketchy tree guys bc they knocked on the door. and looking up sent me into panic mode..... right before going out of the country, leaving a huge mess in the yard I still haven't dealt with...." that kind of thing. I honestly feel this is such an out of character move for me... it's like shaving my head. It's like trees exploded all over the moss. There's holes that are 2 feet deep, and moss dragged into the leaves, and huge divets, and ruts.... oh my. I have to get up all the saw dust. I'm honestly shocked at that decision. I HAVE TREES I NEED TO MOVE BY SECTIONS, and no idea where I'll move them.
You know what.... like your hair, I know the situation will resolve, so no use worrying about it. We do what we can, then let go of the outcome.
I've said that. Given that advice. Taken that advice, but this is the first time I've understood that advice, and know why it's a better strategy than the anxiety/racing mind syndrome of anticipating problems, which is really hard to live with, IME. It's also my main coping strategy, if I'm being honest. Having one week of consistently NOT doing that has changed how I see my life, and world.
It's a longer respite, and it helps things stick, IME.
Having little moments, here and there, was all I could manage before, and it likely kept me from going over many edges, or at least brought me back, which is a lot when we're stuggling, IME.
I want something better.
I want to be OK most of the time, and not suffer more than once over the things I have on my plate.
If I have a problem, I look at my resources, healthy boundaries, logical consequences, list the things I have to do in order to get the best possible outcome, DO what I can (with compassion, and the calm tapping and breathing can help bring) then release the outcome, and KNOW there's nothing else I could do to bring about a better outcome.
Wishing and worrying doesn't change anything, so I'm ready to let them go in the name of more peace in my life.
Drat, this is your thread. I didn't mean to post so long on your thread. Sorry, (((Tupp)))
::straightening Tupp's hat::
We're going to be OK: )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Nothing to apologise for, Lighter, it's a very apt post :) And your tree situation sounds like a nightmare. Is this at your regular house or at the beach house? You have so much going on at both places, it's a real nightmare to deal with. And I think it's a good example of stress making us make bad decisions. Panic makes us do odd things, and I think it's odd how panic doesn't always feel like panic? Decisions can seem perfectly rational at the time but once we calm down they're very out of character. I remember when my son was small and we had nowhere to live. I couldn't raise the money for a deposit on even a small flat so we ended up living in one room in a shared house for seven months until I'd saved enough to move somewhere bigger. It was only months later that I realised that I could have asked ten friends to lend me £100. I knew ten people that would have done that, and it would have been enough for us to get a flat. I could have paid them back reasonably quickly and saved myself a lot of hassle and unpleasantness. But in my stress and panic I just didn't think of it, even though it was an obvious solution. So I think it can affect our brain waves and our decision making processes and I hope you get the mess sorted out soon! I hope it isn't too bad to get sorted again xx xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: CB123 on August 02, 2019, 09:57:21 PM ---Tupp,
Two of my kids shaved their heads when they had an emotional crisis--something internal, nothing external at least in the immediate sense. One was a son, and one was a daughter. Interestingly, both changed their first names as well. I've never completely understood why shaving their heads seemed to be what they needed to do, but it didnt bother me at all (I think the name change did more--names are such gifts from a mother to a child IMO). I had more of a sense that they, like you, felt a little bewildered themselves about why they did it.
Both grew out and were none the worst--but I do wonder now that you have described your own situation, what catharsis must take place to rid yourself so completely of something so personal. I suspect its a good thing. I hope if you slowly get insight into what it has done for you that you will share it here. I'm glad you have a safe place to talk about it and not feel "all eyes on you"!
CB
--- End quote ---
CB, It's interesting to me how many other people have done the same thing! Getting a new haircut is very common when a relationship ends; maybe shaving our heads is more about our relationships with ourselves? The name change thing is interesting as well; I did look very seriously in to changing my name completely (first and last name) although for me that was more to do with my mum not being able to find me again because of the harassment. I eventually decided against it because my surname's all I've got left of my dad and I do like my name! But I know someone else who changed her first name and used her middle name instead because she preferred it more. I do remember a funny story about someone I used to know who had no name for the first month of her life because her mum and dad couldn't agree on one. Eventually they tossed a coin - dad won. So his choice was first name, mum's second. And when she got older she didn't like any of them and picked a new one for herself. It's an odd situation to find yourself in, I think. I wouldn't like it if my son wanted to change his name - like you say, you put a lot of thought in to it and it's what you choose for them. I'd like to think he'll carry on liking it.
There is some sort of catharsis, I think. I do feel like it's snapped me out of the fog I've been in for quite a while now. I suppose it's like tangible proof that things aren't alright? And you can see it, very easily, all the time. So it's a constant reminder. But I do feel calmer now (and embarrassed!). I'm just so very tired of having to keep going, keep keeping on, and of feeling let down by friends who, when I can't go on any longer, just go off to do something more interesting! I do need to focus the good people I do have in my life rather than the ones who haven't been great. But it does feel like you're being kicked when you're down. Anyway - I have listed all the positives on my reply to Hops so I won't repeat it all and bore everybody. But I do appreciate you all very much xx xx
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