I guess we keep plugging away, forming positive habits, and see how cultivating positive things works for us, Tupp.
I'm feeling really good about finding answers right now, even if I know it takes time plant, and grow new things.
Lighter
That's it, isn't it? We keep trying to change and form better habits, trying things, seeing if it works, tweaking it or discarding it if it doesn't.
Quite a lot is coming up for me at the minute; a lot of worries about life and how things are going for us. The lack of reward for the huge amount of work I put in troubles me hugely. It isn't a case so much of feeling that I'm not enough, it feels more like a case of genuinely not being enough - and still not being able to get anyone else to take the helm, even for a short time. That troubles me hugely.
I worry enormously about son, and about myself. We both have health problems and are almost in similar situations now. What we can do is restricted by our health and how often we can go out is restricted in the same way. I don't think that son feels loneliness. He's very happy as long as he has his stuff around him - computer, books, favourite films, Lego sets. I am finding the loneliness is eating me alive. I've genuinely never felt it so acutely nor been so badly affected by it.
I don't feel positive about the future. State care provision is poor and funding/policies/legislation is changed with alarming regularity, meaning that, even if you get a good package in place, there's no guarantee it will remain in place. The other thing that troubles me is the thought that, once I'm dead, there will be no-one to even visit son, unless a kind friend or neighbour happens to still be around to do it. But there's no family, no partner and the couple of friends who would visit are older than me and therefore not too likely to be around for much longer than I will. That troubles me greatly.
I also don't feel positive about work. Even with son taken care of, I no longer feel that I could cope with a stressful, busy or noisy job, nor one that involves a lot of physical activity. That will affect what I can do, obviously, and therefore what I can earn. Living costs here are astronomical and predicted to keep rising, probably sharply once 'Brexit' happens. Our current government has dismantled, sold off and run in to the ground all of our state provision - health service, social services, leisure facilities, transport, monetary benefits, police, fire crews, even the roads are in a state. The population have voted for that - twice. I find the notion of anyone voting to get rid of the very services that they will have to rely on in times of crisis or hardship baffling - who gives away their own lifeboat? But people have, and people with disabilities have born the brunt of that. So many have died, or are living in miserable conditions - alone, without support, very limited incomes. It troubles me hugely.
And money. I don't have a pension, or any savings. My home is owned by a private landlord, who gets paid before anyone else. It's the smallest and cheapest I could get that still gave us a bedroom each, and it's still very expensive. It's a constant struggle to find anything beyond paying the bills. Son does better, because he gets disability benefits so there is a little spare for him, but for me there is very little beyond paying for what is essential. I honestly thought him going to college would change all of that. I thought I'd at least be able to work part time, and that he'd start gaining a little independence, maybe making friends and getting a bit more interested in the world. I thought I would have time to myself, that I'd see my friends regularly, make new ones, even start going out in the evening. But the opposite has been true. College has been a huge amount of hard work, for very little reward. His health has suffered, as has mine, and he's become even more focused on staying in the house and it's harder to get him out than it used to be. I've not seen a soul; it's become very apparent that my friends have busy lives that I can't keep up with. I've met nice people and I do appreciate that but I don't even feel like I've got the energy, or the resilience now, to reach out to try with new people and risk being knocked back or used in some way again. So that feels hard.
I do feel better for just writing all of that down. Those are my 'truths', as you would say, Hops! I feel like they are very big, very real problems that I've tried very hard, for many years, to address, but I'm still not making any headway. So - my next phase to investigate is - Intentional Communities.
I have looked in to this before. I still prefer to call them communes - I think it sounds cosier - but they aren't called that any more, apparently. The stumbling block I've come up against when I've looked in to them previously was the workload. Many will allow you to work in leiu of rent, but as I'd have had to work enough to cover rent for myself and son, whilst looking after him and home educating him, it was just too much work and each option I looked in to seemed to put me in the same situation. My other concern with it was having to look at places in which there was alternative (cheap) accommodation available, in case things didn't work out and we needed to move out. That was hard to find as well, keeping in mind that I also wanted somewhere that had a range of provisions available for son. So each avenue I went down seemed too difficult to follow through.
Things have changed a little now. I'd still have to do son's share of the work for him, but some 'back of an envelope' calculations seem to suggest that will be less work than the hours I'd have to do to earn enough to pay his share of the rent on our current place. We're both looking into ways of making money working from home so I think it might be possible to cover our living expenses by working within the community and then make a bit of money for ourselves on top.
I like the idea of having other people around - not to be in each other's pockets and talk endlessly (and I'm sure there will be times when I wish I was living on my own again) - but it would be nice not to have to leave the house any time I want face to face contact with another human being. I would feel one less worry about son if I know there are other people about in case some emergency occurs with me. He can still have a care package that involves carers taking him out or sitting in with him so that I could go out but it would mean that it wouldn't be our only source of support and company (which scares me as I feel that a cut to that provision or the carer leaving, for example, means everything falls back on my shoulders. At least if that happened I'd be largely based from home anyway, so it wouldn't mean me not being able to go to work, for example).
It's just an idea at the moment. It will mean a lot of work reading up on places, talking to people, visiting places and no doubt knocking many off the list. We're still in a situation where I'd want to be somewhere with decent provision for son, should it not work out, and cheapish accommodation available for the same reason. There's a very real possibility that I'd be just as miserable doing that (once the initial novelty had worn off) as I am living like this, and that scares me a lot. But - the other possibility is that we get to live somewhere much nicer than our current home without money changing hands, we could both be home based without being so alone all of the time and there would be a bit of back up in an emergency (which we don't currently have). So I think it's an idea worth looking in to.
What do you guys think? xx
