Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
Thank you, Lighter, I will give that a go, it does sound good!
I am trying to observe and change my responses. Received a text from lady who runs the group - wants to know when I'm home as she needs to have a chat. I instantly panic - which was interesting, I hadn't really noticed I do it. But the thoughts jumbled through "I'm tired, I've got loads to do today, I can't cope if it's a drama, have I done something wrong, have I upset someone" - it all flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. So - I took a deep breath and quieted my mind. I don't know what she wants to talk about so no point giving it any thought at all. I texted back and said I'd be home tonight or tomorrow (boundary setting). Which of course is fine with her because she's not a fruit loop and doesn't expect people to drop everything the moment she wants to talk to them. So it's all fine, no need for a panic, but it was interesting to me that my brain went straight to disaster scenario. Not sure if that's because I'm very tired (didn't sleep well) or if that would have happened if I were well rested, will have to keep an eye on it. But anyway, I feel a little bit of progress made, largely because I replied saying I was busy and suggesting an alternative, rather than ignoring the text and then worrying about ignoring it. Feels dealt with.
Twoapenny:
Ooh ladies, I'm on a roll! Received another text, from a friend, who often texts to moan about her daughter's school. There are a lot of problems and she's a very dear friend but I find that I give advice, quote sections of Education Law, tell her groups to contact to help her sort problem out - and she never does. So I started to text back the relevant info after looking it up online for her and then thought, no, she is perfectly capable of doing this herself if she wants to, it took me two minutes to find it online, so I deleted what I had written and just wrote back that I hoped it got sorted soon and to have a lovely day. We can be friends without me running round pulling up info for her, right? Had a very bad night's sleep last night so I am back off to bed for a couple of hours before picking son up from college later :) night night :) xx
Hopalong:
Wow, Tupp, I am IMPRESSED.
REALLY impressed!
You observed the inner over-alarm, engaged the boundary idea,
communicated your needs calmly, and .... voila! I'm awed.
And the friend texting about her daughter's education issues.
I GET THIS! I have a dear friend also who texts me simple questions
that are easily answered on Google, and I tend to instantly look it up.
That happens a lot. I usually think 'well, I google everything anyway'
so don't really mind...but sometimes I think, what is she thinking when
she asks it? Probably: enjoyable dialogue. Or just: connect by asking a
question, as she's too tired for other talk. I think sometimes it's that.
One thing I do sometimes as a compromise is enter a to-me-obvious
search term, see if some decent-looking results pop up, and then forward
her the link to the entire search, just in case she's having difficulty figuring
out how to ask the query. With education law, I don't know if there's a
portal link where she could begin her own search, but it's a possibility....
In my example, she doesn't do it often, so it's not a serious annoyance.
But it's a great example of how to work within oneself to check on the
leap-to-fix impulse, which I know I have in spades. See above. Busted!
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on September 16, 2019, 06:06:13 AM ---Thank you, Lighter, I will give that a go, it does sound good!
I am trying to observe and change my responses. Received a text from lady who runs the group - wants to know when I'm home as she needs to have a chat. I instantly panic - which was interesting, I hadn't really noticed I do it. But the thoughts jumbled through "I'm tired, I've got loads to do today, I can't cope if it's a drama, have I done something wrong, have I upset someone" - it all flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. So - I took a deep breath and quieted my mind. I don't know what she wants to talk about so no point giving it any thought at all. I texted back and said I'd be home tonight or tomorrow (boundary setting). Which of course is fine with her because she's not a fruit loop and doesn't expect people to drop everything the moment she wants to talk to them. So it's all fine, no need for a panic, but it was interesting to me that my brain went straight to disaster scenario. Not sure if that's because I'm very tired (didn't sleep well) or if that would have happened if I were well rested, will have to keep an eye on it. But anyway, I feel a little bit of progress made, largely because I replied saying I was busy and suggesting an alternative, rather than ignoring the text and then worrying about ignoring it. Feels dealt with.
--- End quote ---
Simply making a statement.... I'll be home tonight or tomorrow.... is better than making excuses, avoiding, or feeling guilty over something we haven't done, and aren't responsible for.
I think many of us feel responsible, and guilty all the time. It's a low thrumming through our lives we've gotten used to, and don't notice, till we stop, and pay attention, like you did here.
I sent you a few things in your PM box that seem applicable.
Honestly, just noticing the feelings are creating chemical dumps. Becoming aware of them is pretty scary.... sometimes I feel so snowed and mired very deeply, I'm afraid i won't be able to dig myself all the way out, Now, that's fear based thinking, and I want to quiet that too.
Lordy, I'll get there: )
Lighter
lighter:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 15, 2019, 07:44:38 PM ---I love that calming exercise, Lighter.
Just READING it felt good.
Thanks!
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
You're welcome, Hops. I went through it today. I want to come up with a quick version I can do in public. I remember a nice fellow I used to date used to do something like that when he was really under pressure. It sort of ended in a quick snap of his hand, like he was shaking something off his hand. It's funny how the body does things to calm itself without understanding why it's doing it.
Lighter
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