Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
Thank you both. I've been thinking a lot more about my codependence issues over the weekend and I realised I really do need to make more of an effort to do more for myself and son before I start worrying about other people, for whatever reason. I really must sort out the rest of this paperwork and get some sort of money spinning activity set up for the two of us. So I need to be careful to make sure I look after us before I look after anyone else now x
Hopalong:
Self-care is Job ONE, for sure, Tupp!
Is it possible to "help" folks at these meetings but build in self-care boundaries at the same time? Like -- "I can tell you about this or that, or suggest going in that direction as it's been helpful to me, or whatever .... I won't be able to do X or Y for you, but I can tell you how I made progress on Z....." Does that sound realistic? I hope so but only you can assess it, or try it to find out.
Just don't want you to feel you have to choose between participating in community life or making friends versus living your own responsible life. Just really want you to know you deserve both, and with simple boundaries, getting more comfortable saying simple Yeses and Nos, you can have them.
You're a hero, Tupp. Heroes need both too.
Big hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 15, 2019, 09:33:33 AM ---Self-care is Job ONE, for sure, Tupp!
Is it possible to "help" folks at these meetings but build in self-care boundaries at the same time? Like -- "I can tell you about this or that, or suggest going in that direction as it's been helpful to me, or whatever .... I won't be able to do X or Y for you, but I can tell you how I made progress on Z....." Does that sound realistic? I hope so but only you can assess it, or try it to find out.
Just don't want you to feel you have to choose between participating in community life or making friends versus living your own responsible life. Just really want you to know you deserve both, and with simple boundaries, getting more comfortable saying simple Yeses and Nos, you can have them.
You're a hero, Tupp. Heroes need both too.
Big hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops :) I think I can do both. I think I need to practise thinking before I act or speak. I have a tendency to immediately soothe, whether it's myself or someone else, rather than tolerating discomfort for a while so that a longer term response is more appropriate, if that makes sense? I also don't want to fall into the routine of endlessly comforting people who don't help themselves. As an example, two people I spoke with last week were in completely different situations. One is working hard to change things, keep all the balls in the air, try to do her best for her child whilst keeping a bit of a life for herself as well. Another is in a similarly tough situation and has been for years but has done very little to change the situation, preferring to wait for outside agencies to do everything for them and then being upset with the action the outside agencies have finally taken (which, in my opinion could have been avoided had the parent been more proactive and tried more approaches themself). I prefer to help the first parent who just needs a bit of a hand with the form filling and knowing the language to use when dealing with the system rather than listening to the second one, who is justifiably upset but still doing very little to change the situations. So I think I just need to be careful where I put my energy - energy into helping people help themselves (including me), yes, energy into absorbing other people's problems, no. I find that too tiring and that impacts on what I can do for myself then so I need to find the line and stick to it. So I think it's doable, I think what I find hard is knowing that saying no or saying what you think does sometimes mean upsetting people and that's the bit I struggle with so I need to find a way to make that less of a problem for myself, and probably to organise my time better so that I can be more efficient with myself and make sure I build in my own time and avoid getting too tired. And I think I need to crack on with this mountain of paperwork again, I keep putting it off but it needs to be done and got out of the way, finally, so we can get on with other, more enjoyable things that we both want to do.
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
We're better able to care for, and help others when we're taking care of ourselves.
We're more resilient when we're rested and have our needs met.
We're more responsive and able to apply creativity to our efforts.
Today I learned a little calming exercise involving the parasympathetic nervous system. We place our hands over our eyes, and press between our eyes, then press down around our ears, behind our ears, then back into the hollow where our spine meets skull..... massaging a bit. Then down the neck and shoulders... massaging shoulders one at a time if necessary. Then place our hands over our throats, protectively, very lightly. Then our hearts. Then our solar plexus. Then hands in lap.
We do all this while breathing deeply in through the nose, and out through the mouth.
It's helps calm us down before making decisions. We can go through a short version in public before answering more autentically.
It gives us a chance to center and calm our biology, while allowing our intuition to kick in, and guide us.
I'm all about listening to gut instincts right now.
BTW, did you know the parasympathetic nervous system (PSNV) runs from our forehead, down our faces, into our heart, lungs, and digestive tracts? THAT's a huge bundle of nerves! It's also running along our meridian system, which runs from the top of the head down the front, and around to the lower back, or the root chakra.
WOmen have 9 times more tolerance for pain than men, and codependents have more than other people.
::nodding::.
Lighter
Hopalong:
I love that calming exercise, Lighter.
Just READING it felt good.
Thanks!
Hugs
Hops
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