Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 09, 2019, 01:04:48 PM ---
--- Quote ---perhaps I ought to just be honest and say I'd like to meet up but I'm not feeling great so will apologise if I'm snappy or impatient.
--- End quote ---
That sounds PERFECT, Tupp! Honest, vulnerable, human. Not even complicated.
I always appreciate it so much when someone's simply open about how they're doing. It helps me remember I am also always allowed to be real. I don't have to orchestrate someone else's response to me -- I can just be real.
It can be just as simple as your good example. You let the other person make their own choice, and just take responsibility for yours.
I really love your example because it invites the possibility of just being real for you both, acknowledges that both of you are human (you because of how you're feeling, and also her, because you're respecting it'll be her choice depending on how she is feeling herself). I get it. I feel so appreciated when someone trusts me with their simple truth instead of an act.
It's not magic, and doesn't change people necessarily. But it makes relationships so much simpler. If just being real is something that a particular person can't or doesn't respond to well, that's helpful information. But if, even in small ways, they do respond well (or with realness of their own, even briefly)...that's a good sign.
Bravo, you!
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops. I think part of me still feels like I need permission to speak about myself? It's quite weird, but when I was talking to the friend I saw earlier in the week, she was talking about another friend who'd been 'triggered' by something someone had said something about her ex and how it had taken her a week to get over it - and she understood that. And it was a revelation to me, because the main reason I've not felt comfortable seeing her is because she tells me all about the abusive man dramas she's surrounded by and that triggers me - and takes me a week to get over it. And I don't say anything, I just sit home on my own feeling lousy and ruminating on it all. So I've got to start being clearer with people, even if I do keep repeating myself and I feel like a broken record.
I've realised as well that being around people really has potential to make me exhausted and I'm going to have to find a way to manage that. College has been exhausting, even with the reduced timetable, and son is already struggling. I think realistically we really need to be in a situation where he's mostly at home and we have just one or two people involved in helping him out, so that we can all be doing the same thing. College is just to chaotic for either of us to manage.
The group yesterday was great and I'm helping one of the mums with her social services assessment. I'm really enjoying going and I'm enjoying helping her out. But the group was very busy, everyone was talking at the same time and there were two 'speakers' in doing different things and again, all talking at the same time. Alongside that another mum was talking about all the problems she's having with her son and one of the dads has just had his son taken into care, so he wanted to talk as well. So I'm wondering if what I need to do is perhaps look into doing voluntary work with an organisation, rather than through an informal group like that. I love helping out parents who're in the same situations I've been in in the past. The mum I've been helping is a single parent, her son has complex needs and she's just muddled through on her own, like me. She was so appreciative of the help and I can remember going home from situations where someone helped me with a form or explained something to me and the feeling of relief was always so immense that I really want to do more of that, to help other people. But I think perhaps it needs to be through a formal organisation so that it's a booked appointment and one person at a time, rather than half the county all at once, which was too much. So that's where things are at the minute. I think I need to find a way to balance out what I want to do without getting to overwhelmed or too over involved in too many other things at once.
Hopalong:
I can see why, (((Tupp))).
I think for anyone with even a toe on the spectrum or who is naturally introverted or has something like ADD, an event like that could feel overstimulating and exhausting. Is there any chance you could explain that to the organizers very simply, and ask if a booth or curtained space might be set up -- or simply explain that you'd like a quiet corner where you can help just one person at a time?
It wouldn't be a complicated arrangement, or shouldn't have to be....and maybe it'd be nice to retain your connection with nice folks you've met instead of having to give up on the group?
Just a thought, may or may not make sense for you.
Big hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 13, 2019, 09:10:59 AM ---I can see why, (((Tupp))).
I think for anyone with even a toe on the spectrum or who is naturally introverted or has something like ADD, an event like that could feel overstimulating and exhausting. Is there any chance you could explain that to the organizers very simply, and ask if a booth or curtained space might be set up -- or simply explain that you'd like a quiet corner where you can help just one person at a time?
It wouldn't be a complicated arrangement, or shouldn't have to be....and maybe it'd be nice to retain your connection with nice folks you've met instead of having to give up on the group?
Just a thought, may or may not make sense for you.
Big hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
That's a good idea, Hops. I think, as the lady who set the group up hasn't done this before, it's all still sort of unfolding as we go along. Privacy is an issue as well; obviously people need to talk but some things need to be discussed in private and there isn't really a private space there. I think there were just too many different things happening that day and it was a bit much. I will talk to her about it; the idea is to provide informal support but I think even within that there needs to be some sort of system in place so that there aren't too many things going on at the same time.
What I have really noticed this week is how much external situations stress me out, and much more than would ordinarily be expected. So I think I need to work about being really rigorous at setting boundaries, saying no and focusing on healthy habits. I think I should go and see the GP again and discuss whether I ought to be assessed for autism myself and possibly PTSD. There are definitely symptoms of both but I would guess that one might be the cause of everything I'm experiencing. I don't feel that a diagnosis does much to help (it hasn't in my son's situation) but I wonder if it might mean I stop analysing what's going on with me quite so much if I know it definitely is or isn't something in particular. I'll think about it some more. Things generally don't feel too bad at the moment though, which is good.
Hopalong:
That's a great idea, Tupp.
Knowledge is power. And sometimes having an actual explanation for something unique about your system or how you function is really helpful.
When I was diagnosed with ADD, huge weights of shame just poured off me. I hadn't realized how much self-criticism and pain had come from a simple neurological difference--why I struggled with some things other people didn't appear to. I was in deep frustration for years, trying to turn myself into something I wasn't, rather than learning how to adapt to and accomodate my own particular brain.
It's a very good brain and I'm lucky to have it. But it ain't quite like everybody else's. That's okay with me now, and I understand myself so much better and with much less shame.
Small idea: If that group meets in one big large space, a simple way to manage this would be to ask for one table and two chairs. Set the table up a good distance from a wall and set the chairs at a comfortable "privacy distance" behind it and off center, facing each other, not the table. Put a BIG NOTE on the table, folded to stand up:
Please wait until a chair is free--happy to help you next! [smiley face]
Big hugs
Hops
lighter:
Echoing Hops here. Maybe set up a waiting area some distance away from your private area, Tupp.
Hear hear to asking for what you want and need, Tupp. Learning to casually say NO, sans feeling bad about it....some day soon.
::nodding::
Soon.
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