Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on September 07, 2019, 02:11:22 PM ---I think healthier people make these types of healthier decisions
all
the
time.
I don't think they have the same fear, guilt and shame pressuring them to continue relationships, and situations that are unhealthy. Maybe they do. I just know that we have control over decisions we make daily, and switching to the best possible choice will have implications we can't imagine, but will be proud of.
One day at a time. One decision at a time. It ads up. Think about the bad things we've become accustomed to.
We can get used to feeling better, and having less strife in our lives, can't we?
I'm sure we can.
Its getting beyond the discomfort. That familiar old discomfort that usually pushes us into decisions that won't get us more of what we want, but dispells discomfort in the moment.
This moment has to be endured, and overcome to get beyond old patterns.
We can do that. I notice I'm calmer, generally, as I continue practicing breathing, and cultivating positive moments. It's easier to get back on track.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Nodding, Lighter, all the way through, yes, I think some people just make decisions that are in their best interests as a matter of course. They don't have the same baggage to deal with and aren't mired down by generations of unresolved angst. I do feel I'm getting better at at least pausing before I decide what to do next instead of just reacting and responding. That's starting to become apparent now.
The relaxing before bed didn't seem to work last night; I did my yoga and we'd had a nice day doing sport in the afternoon and chatting to people so nothing unpleasant to work through. Woke up at 1am feeling like I wanted to punch someone and then had a very odd dream; the cat leapt into shark infested waters and I leapt in to get her out (very peculiar, our cat is so lazy she doesn't leap anywhere and why would there be sharks in the river?? lol, how odd). And then somehow I was back on dry land trying to balance my diary to make an arrangement to meet a group of people and I had to keep re-arranging my appointments to try to fit it all in, and then ended up paying for everyone's coffee. It was very strange and I woke feeling quite unsettled. But I will stick with it! Hopefully it's just stuff working its way out and eventually, surely, I will get to a point where I'm not overloaded with goodness knows what and I can wake up feeling like I've had a good sleep.
lighter:
I try to remember pushing on walls when BIG feelings to BE ACTIVE come up for me. Instead of doing doing doing, I want to push push push, then see how I feel. DO I feel calmer? Do I feel things can be resolved without running around doing what I've always done, that gets me nothing I truly want?
I'm pretty sure toxins will keep coming up as we process the junk, Tupp. I think you're right to take it in stride, and keep working at it. Things will get better, then worse, then better, then worse... I guess.
::sigh::.
I keep breathing, and that's no so hard to remember. I feel like I'm adding fat to pathways I want to strengthen and build. Starving the pathways I want to get rid of. Every little bit moves me along. And it's OK, even when it's not OK. My nervous system seems to be calmer, and more resilient. That's great right?
It doesn't feel like I'm dead inside either, lol. It feels like I have more time to process before fight or flight runs me over. That's what it feels like.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Tupp, you have SO much mature and rational insight into who you are, your own makeup, and how you work...that once again, you blew me away.
There is NO WAY that this much self-insight is not going to pay off for you, ultimately.
Just
no
way.
I have such faith in you, and so much respect for how honestly and deeply you think!
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops and Lighter, thank you :) Lighter, for some reason I find that clapping my hands together seems to break a little pattern for me? I don't know why but it seems to help stop things spinning. Hops, I never feel like I have rational insight, lol, I always feel like I'm just muddling through :) But it's nice to read that so thank you :)
I have noticed some things today (Lighter, I am being observant) and I have made some efforts to be clearer with other people (Hops, that's down to you :) ).
First day back to college. Taking son later is a help. We got everything he needed ready last night to avoid rushing this morning and I made his packed lunch as getting him to do that is stressful and I don't want stress in the mornings now, so that went okay. The drive in is always a bit stressful, just because the roads are busy. We got there and son had forgotten his drink, despite my reminding him twice and me saying "Have you got your drink?" as we left the house and him saying "yes". This is the kind of stuff that is problematic for me. Because of his problems, I can't just say, "tough, you'll have to manage without". There's only one thing he will drink and it has to be in a particular water bottle (with a straw) or he can't manage it. He can't go to the food hall on his own to buy something else and they don't have the staff to take him so he'd have to go without. If he gets dehydrated it increases the risk of a seizure. So it's one of those things where I just had to go home and fetch it for him and take it back to college.
What I noticed was the physical reaction to the stress, and it was very quick. My left shoulder popped. Then pain started up my neck and across the side of my head. My jaw started to feel very painful, as if someone had punched me. My gum line (under my teeth) started to throb on that side of my face and then the headache started. I started to feel sick, then anxious, then came the chest pains. It all happened in a matter of seconds and within a few minutes I felt like I could just go home and go back to bed for the day. I had stuff I needed to do but couldn't face the thought of all the people in town, so drove to the next town along which is smaller and quieter so I did what I needed to do there instead.
I think I need to keep trying to do the yoga to keep my neck and jaw relaxed and hope that helps. I'm not sure if the acupuncturist can do something to try to stop that instant reaction from coming. It was so fast and so sudden. I did try deep breathing and to focus on other things but it didn't seem to do anything much (maybe it stopped it from getting worse, it's always hard to know with that sort of stuff). But it did show me that my reaction to stress is a very physical one and it comes from external stress, rather than internal.
So that was the first thing. I did my stuff I needed to do and then messaged a friend who lives nearby; this is one of the ones I've been upset about not hearing from much when I was going through my bad spell over the summer. We have talked and cleared the air a bit and Hops, I think you are right about having to not have an expectation and accepting people as they are for who they are. She is a good friend in other ways; I think part of the problem is my lack of boundaries and the fact that I often let her talk endlessly about various problems that other people she knows are going through. I need to work on that and I did interrupt a couple of times today and changed the subject so that worked well. I also realised that one of the reasons I don't like seeing people when I feel down is that I worry I will snap or be unkind as I feel very intolerant. I think perhaps I ought to just be honest and say I'd like to meet up but I'm not feeling great so will apologise if I'm snappy or impatient. That might be better; they can say they'd rather wait until I'm in a better mood then if they want to and I won't feel like I've got to try to pretend I'm in a better place than I really am. So yes, that went well, I feel better for it and I feel more positive about being here than I have for quite a long time really. I'm just going to keep working on myself; I think the thing for me to remember is to prioritise the people who are around when I'm in a bad place and not let other people monopolise my time or energy (boundaries again). I think if I focus on that it will help and I'll cope better next time things fall apart a bit and I fall into a bit of a pit xx
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---perhaps I ought to just be honest and say I'd like to meet up but I'm not feeling great so will apologise if I'm snappy or impatient.
--- End quote ---
That sounds PERFECT, Tupp! Honest, vulnerable, human. Not even complicated.
I always appreciate it so much when someone's simply open about how they're doing. It helps me remember I am also always allowed to be real. I don't have to orchestrate someone else's response to me -- I can just be real.
It can be just as simple as your good example. You let the other person make their own choice, and just take responsibility for yours.
I really love your example because it invites the possibility of just being real for you both, acknowledges that both of you are human (you because of how you're feeling, and also her, because you're respecting it'll be her choice depending on how she is feeling herself). I get it. I feel so appreciated when someone trusts me with their simple truth instead of an act.
It's not magic, and doesn't change people necessarily. But it makes relationships so much simpler. If just being real is something that a particular person can't or doesn't respond to well, that's helpful information. But if, even in small ways, they do respond well (or with realness of their own, even briefly)...that's a good sign.
Bravo, you!
Hugs
Hops
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