Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[Twoapenny]

However in the world will be figure out boundaries, put them in place, and somehow find comfort behind them,  Tupp?

I reallhy want you to creatively solve your privacy problem in the group, and keep the positives you've found there.  Can you borrow an office, or even a hallway for your one on one meetings?  Maybe even put up one of those tri fold cardboard things kids use for projects at school... sitting on the table between you and the rest of the group.  Yu could put a sign on it with instructions....
PUT YOUR NAME ON THE LIST BELOW THEN WAIT TILL YOUR NAME IS CALLED.... something.

I'm noticing how my energy invites people to talk AT me,  and overshare, and that really robs the joy out of things that should bring joy... like dropping off a basket of food to post op neighbors.

 I just can't solve their problems with meds that aren't doing the trick with pain, and if they won't consider doing something, like askig the doc for a med that actually works, then I need to go on my way.  Does talking about it help?  I'm sure it does,  but it's too draining to get trapped for too long, and not know how to end it without feeling bad.  It's a double whammy bc I get drained the beat myself up for not having better boundaries, then have a harder time problem solving from that negative head space.

I should think up better boundaries, and have them ready to deploy proactively.... so I don't have to think when I'm in the thick of being talked at  or trapped.  I can just DO that thing I thought of ahead, and know it's better for everyone all the way around. 

Yup yup yup.

Good luck figuring out how to handle the group, Tupp.

Lighter

Thanks, Lighter.  The problem this morning was that I wasn't there with an advice giving hat on, it was just a coffee morning type thing - and the people talking at me weren't after advice, they were just talking at me.  Which I find tiring.  Some people wouldn't.  Like you, I find people do seem to just give me their life stories without any prompting - I don't know why!  And yes, it's hard to have boundaries in every situation, because situations just appear or can change quickly whilst you're in them, so sometimes you have to react fast and that's difficult to do.  I was tired anyway, which of course makes everything seem worse too.  It will sort itself out somehow, I'm sure.

In other news - the friend I resisted seeking information for earlier in the week texted me today to say she'd sorted the problem out and it was all dealt with   So me not sticking my nose in was defo the best idea.  I think I need to stop feeling so responsible for everyone else.  But because I've had so many situations where I've felt so alone and so desperate I hate thinking of anyone else feeling like that, which is why I think I jump in too quickly.

[lighter]

It's going to be a difficult mind shift, Tupp.  Finding comfort and being OK with letting people find their own way.  Just listening, for a brief time, then breaking off, with love... breaking off without offering advice and help, and allowing space for folks to solve their own problems.  THat's a tricky one bc, for us I think, it carries the potential of not being accepted/supported/protected in a group ALONG with feeling like we're letting down someone who's struggling in ways we've struggled when we really needed help.  Just generalizing here, but I think I get what you were saying, and understand it, at least the bigger pieces. .

My ex SIL used to do this nodding shaking head thing that wasn't a yes or a no... a rolling head thing, while she listened.  I've used it, and it makes me feel like I'm responding appropriately with less desire to jump in, and solve problems for people, which is my default.

It's not my usual reaction, and just mindfully choosing something different seems to change up my patterns, in other words.

And I also think we put out signals, particularly to people who seek out good listeners/fixers.  I've always been a good secret keeper, and I don't want to be that anymore, not for everyone at any rate.

When I was a 9 or 10 yo child I remember my best friend's father telling me things about his marriage, and sexlife that no child should have to listen to.  He didn't DO anything towards me he was just lonely and needed to talk to someone, and we were in the car for hours.  I'm sure I said zippo to that, and I think he just chattered like a monkey the entire trip. THAT has been how things have gone since I can remember.

Last week a neighbor, who's talked about very personal things with me, and actually asked out my married sister, always tells me I'm a great listener.  The truth is, I'd never ever ever tell him anything personal about myself, and listening is safer for me.   I do enjoy talking to him about our dogs, the yard, the bears, the forest, the rain run off, the weather, and different things I'm working on with energy work, etc, but the intimate stuff is uncomfortable.  He's very helpful, and now that I know he asked out my sister,  maybe too helpful. 

I'm going to be careful not to pull up my drawbridge, which is something I typically do when feeling this way.  I'm going to try to come up with ways to discourage too much information, but lets light connection flow. 

I don't honestly know how to DO that right now. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, that is the thing, isn't it - how do we keep ourselves open to possibilties of good encounters and interactions, new people, new places, but also avoid our energy being drained by people who aren't deliberately trying to be draining, but who none the less leave us feeling tired and displaced from ourselves.

And perhaps it's the displacement that's the problem.  I love being around people who are into self help, healthy living, reading, outdoor activities and so on.  I enjoy the company of people with a bit of knowledge behind them - not necessarily academic, but just someone a bit open minded, whose experiences in life have encouraged them to dig a bit deeper.  I don't feel like that when I'm with people who tend to just talk about themselves and their own day to day minutia.

And then there's the guilt.  I have you guys to talk to.  I feel guilty that other people don't have this level of awesomeness in their lives!  But then I think, well I found you guys because I was having counselling and reading books about toxic parenting, childhood abuse, narcissism and so on.  Then I went looking on the internet for more info and found a forum, which I joined.  Someone on that forum mentioned this one and that is how I found my way here.  I was actively looking for answers and for ways to change.  And perhaps that's the key - there are people who search and people who wait to be found, or have everything done for them, or who don't want to change but like to complain about where they're at.  Am I responsible for those people.  No.  Do I feel responsible for those people.  Yes.  That's the tricky bit for me.

Perhaps it is more about slowing down and focusing more on myself.  I'm thinking in terms of the group at the moment.  Perhaps I should wait until the day it runs to see how I feel and see whether I want to go in or not.  Perhaps, if I do go in, I should sit slightly apart, on my own.  I don't do that, because I feel it looks aloof and standoffish.  But perhaps I should do that initially and take a bit of time to watch and then perhaps take a bit more care over choosing who to sit next to.  It feels quite a lot of work - and even a bit manipulative?  or selfish?  I'm not sure, something weird is coming up - but perhaps ten minutes like that at the start would help avoid needing two days to recover afterwards?  What do you think? xx

[Twoapenny]

Still practising boundary setting and self care.  Was so exhausted this morning the effort of getting out of bed felt monumental.  We were supposed to do various things after collecting son from college (early finish today).  I cancelled, explained to son we'd do them another day and took to the sofa.  Son's repetitive habits intensify when he's tired or stressed and are currently through the roof.  It's tiring for both of us.  So we both need a break.  Nap was achieved   Neighbour popped round to borrow strimmer.  She has two young (very cute) children.  I opened my mouth to offer to sit them while she cuts the grass  (see?  I do it to myself, I don't even wait to be asked, I just jump in there).  And then I thought, Tupp, you need to rest, lady is very nice and has partner/other family who can help if need be.  Shush yourself.  So I closed my mouth again, showed her how to use the strimmer and left her to it.

Lady from group has messaged again, having re-written all the paperwork that we've already agreed on and wants to meet up to go through all the new paperwork again.  I have said I'm busy now until next week but I'm sure it's all fine and she could just send it off without it being checked again (she writes very well so it won't need re-writing and even if it did, I've just offered to help out, it's no skin off my nose if it's terribly badly written).  I am mindful that she's learning this as she goes so mistakes are inevitable.  I'm also mindful that some people do like to have a constant whirlwind of activity going on around them, self created or otherwise.  I'm also mindful that THIS ISN'T MY BAG SO I DON'T NEED TO PICK IT UP.  I feel like I need to shout it at myself so that I remember.

[Twoapenny]

Just jotting things down as I notice them.

Stress has a huge effect on me, and is affecting me hugely at the moment.  I am in the hormonal phase of my cycle, which intensifies things, but I had far fewer problems with that over the summer holiday, because the external stress was missing.

So - stressful events have been - college - just taking him there and back every day stresses me out.  I don't want him there and I don't think he's particularly enjoying it now either.
Seeing doctor - even though the appointment went well, the stress of going near a doctor was there and has had an effect.  I have booked up appointments for myself as well but again, the thought of it alone is enough to make me feel anxious.
Group and/or people chopping and changing appointments - smaller levels of stress with that but enough to make an impact.
Practising boundaries - I do find it stressful, even though I want to do it.
Loneliness - cripples me now, but equally I find being around people stressful.  The only option seems to be (at the moment, anyway) staying home quietly until the physical symptoms pass.  I couldn't tolerate anyone near me at the moment, even having the light on feels too much.

It's interesting because it seems to me that just not having control over my own timetable causes me stress (autism trait? or just easier to manage?  don't know) so just having to arrange my day around college is difficult.  Then the other things on top have made it increase and I think what's hard is that I'm having to cope with more stress but I've got less time to do stress relieving things because of the time I'm spending doing stressful things.  Mmmm.  Will have to keep noticing and pondering until some ideas become clear.

[Hopalong]

I think you're coping amazingly, Tupp.

When you stop beating yourself up and just make whatever daily adjustments you
need to make, in order to get through that day with less emotional exhaustion, you're doing more than a whole lot of hopelessly dysfunctional people do!

From my friends who are mildly on the spectrum, I recognize a powerful commitment to timelines, logical arrangements, and things not being changed willy-nilly. I think it's difficult to just "go with the flow" and adjust your approach to things in mid-air. Or, I can't imagine that WOULDN'T be difficult!

For that reason, dear, you awe me more than ever. That you have dealt with all you deal with with such grace and at times transcendent common sense, is miraculous.

DO rest up, be nice to yourself, and don't worry about perfection or tight control of every task or challenge. Ain't no such thing.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I think you're coping amazingly, Tupp.

When you stop beating yourself up and just make whatever daily adjustments you
need to make, in order to get through that day with less emotional exhaustion, you're doing more than a whole lot of hopelessly dysfunctional people do!

From my friends who are mildly on the spectrum, I recognize a powerful commitment to timelines, logical arrangements, and things not being changed willy-nilly. I think it's difficult to just "go with the flow" and adjust your approach to things in mid-air. Or, I can't imagine that WOULDN'T be difficult!

For that reason, dear, you awe me more than ever. That you have dealt with all you deal with with such grace and at times transcendent common sense, is miraculous.

DO rest up, be nice to yourself, and don't worry about perfection or tight control of every task or challenge. Ain't no such thing.

Hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  I think daily adjustments is the way to go forward, and maybe even that I need to stop arranging anything non-essential in advance for now so that I can decide each day what I feel up to doing.  It's difficult with son's needs being what they are to chop and change anything around and yes, I find it difficult for me as well because I get my head into 'this is what we're doing' mode and I just don't have the energy any more to come up with a plan B.  So I think I need to keep practising my boundaries.  Group lady wanted me to go round to sign papers again; I waited until today to message her back and said I have some time on Monday so we've arranged it for then.  Purposely didn't drop what I was doing to accommodate.  Feels odd but I know it's right.  Similarly, a friend texted with a problem she's having, I resisted offering to help.  I need to keep my focus on my health, son's health and I need to start earning some money so I really do need to start being more ruthless with my time and keep the best of it for me.

In other news - I had one of those lightbulb moments today when I realised, really realised, that people treating me badly is a reflection of them, not me.  People have said that to me before, I've read it in various places but I didn't really feel it until today.  Don't know why, the penny just dropped all of a sudden.  I've felt for years that something I do attracts certain kinds of experiences and people to me.  But it doesn't.  There are a lot of messed up people in the world and when they do thoughtless or unpleasant stuff it's about them, not me.  I've just got to focus more on me and get myself into a better place where I'm naturally coming into contact with people who don't have as much baggage to offload onto someone else

My feet hurt   Lol, you know it's been a busy day when your feet are pounding when you take your shoes off xx

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

I wanted to post back about that reflexive offer to help.

That's something I do, and I'm trying to stop doing it reflexively, give myself a bit of time to breathe, then see if I really have the time, and resources.... I'd like to be able to ask myself if it's appropriate if it's something that will bring me more of what I want, etc.

The last thing you said, about people treating you badly is about  THEM, not YOU....
HUGE bit of information there! 

It's easier to process IF we're not feeling it reflects on US, for sure.

Elevate those tired feet, and drink plenty of water.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp:

I wanted to post back about that reflexive offer to help.

That's something I do, and I'm trying to stop doing it reflexively, give myself a bit of time to breathe, then see if I really have the time, and resources.... I'd like to be able to ask myself if it's appropriate if it's something that will bring me more of what I want, etc.

The last thing you said, about people treating you badly is about  THEM, not YOU....
HUGE bit of information there! 

It's easier to process IF we're not feeling it reflects on US, for sure.

Elevate those tired feet, and drink plenty of water.

Lighter

Ha ha, I'm just heading off for an Epsom Salts bath   Yes the reflex is so strong, and yet very few people have that reflex with me?  It's a funny thing that I've noticed, I'm very conscious of the fact that when I'm having a bad time very few (real life) people offer to help, yet it's the first thing I do with just about everyone.  And I do need to stop.  If I'm honest I don't have time to help anybody else out, ever!  I don't want to get completely to a point where I never do anyone a favour but I have got to start being more honest with myself about what I can do and whether I need to do it.  I think we need to think about what constantly offering to help says about us?  I think with me it's low self esteem, a desire to please and be thought of as 'good', and not to be the reason someone feels alone or unwanted.  It's hard, isn't it?  I think I need to be more honest with people about my own situation.  It sort of doesn't occur to me that saying, "I've got no help myself so I'm sorry but I can't offer to do anything for you" is actually alright?  I need to practise more lol xx

[Hopalong]

Yes, yay, HUGE info!

For me key line:

Purposely didn't drop what I was doing to accommodate.  Feels odd but I know it's right.

Soooo cool. What I read here is that you have allowed that the feelings ("odd" = "discomfort") do not get to run the show, because you're also trusting your reason (what you know). You are actually quite rational, and the rational truth is --- when we practice a different response to our usual emotional-trigger, repetition of not letting feeling always rule = the eventual change in the feelings. How long is "eventual"? DON'T GIVE UP when from day to day it seems to go backward. See this article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/forming-new-habits_b_5104807. A quote:

In other words, if you want to set your expectations appropriately, the truth is that it will probably take you anywhere from two months to eight months to build a new behavior into your life -- not 21 days.

Interestingly, the researchers also found that "missing one opportunity to perform the behavior did not materially affect the habit formation process." In other words, it doesn't matter if you mess up every now and then. Building better habits is not an all-or-nothing process.

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When feelings don't get their way, one DOES become more feeling-comfortable with a new, more rational choice. It just takes time and repetition. Your recent boundary-setting, decisions not to automatically leap to exhaust yourself for unimportant agendas of others....those are just awesome.

Huge thing #2?

the penny just dropped all of a sudden.  I've felt for years that something I do attracts certain kinds of experiences and people to me.  But it doesn't.

I'm really happy for and about you, Tupp. Even though your feet hurt.

Ohhh, being codependent me, gotta fix that too!

1) Epsom salts in bucket of warm water. [edit: Duh. You just mentioned Epsoms!]
2) Insert feet, 15-20 minutes.
3) Dry and moisturize with lotsa oil.
4) Put on clean cotton socks.
5) Roll feet. (Use a rolling pin, baggie of pencils, whatever's hard and rolls.)

Happily,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lol, thanks, Hops, I didn't know the rolling pin trick!  Will try that next time, thank you

Just jotting down what I'm noticing about stress today and how it affects me.

Felt very ill yesterday - awful headache, sick, very tired.  Didn't have anything to do at a set time which is a much better way for me to work - it takes pressure away and means I can concentrate on how I feel, rather than what I need to do.  Did yoga frequently throughout the day, drank lots of water, ate regularly and relaxed in the evening and woke up this morning feeling a lot better than I did when I went to bed.

Got up and did yoga, had breakfast, drank water - and felt lots of anger start to surface.  I am wondering if I store anger (repress it?), and if that makes me tense, headachey, sick etc.  Then the yoga and relaxation stuff starts to let the anger out.  Maybe.

It's Monday so I needed to get on with the work stuff that I avoided all weekend so that I could have a break.  Have an ongoing email problem that hasn't been resolved, that is only in relation to the email system the local authority insist we use because it's 'secure'.  So secure I haven't been able to access any emails for a fortnight so information I need to my meeting this week is still unavailable for me.  That makes me start to feel angry, and stressed (other people causing work).  Then my mind snowballs, so fast.  Friend hasn't replied to a text all week, sister messaged me to say mum is telling people she's coming to visit me, I wish we hadn't moved, we need to leave the country, I haven't got any money, his dad never supported him - it floods through in seconds and is so hard to stop.  The noise from the barking dog next door is incessant at this point, as is the noise from the washing machine and son's screeching that he tends to do when he gets up in the morning.  I'm assuming the extra stress increases noise sensitivity but I don't know.  My urge is to drink tea and eat biscuits - which seems to numb me a bit and make me start to calm down?  I'm not sure why that is but they are two things I'm trying to avoid too much of at the moment because of the sugar and caffeine.  So craving them because I'm having less of them?  Or craving them because the chemical reactions of the sugar and caffeine will numb my brain a bit and make everything easier to cope with?  I'm not sure.  Will have to keep observing and see what comes up.

Stomach is very painful now, neck and shoulders very sore (particularly left shoulder) and chest pains have started.  Will do yoga when I get home later to try to wind everything back down again but honestly guys, I feel like I just want to go and live in the middle of nowhere with nothing but books and an army of pets around me.

[Hopalong]

Morning anger > stress mounting > noise > pain.

How horrid, Tupp. I wish your sensitivity to noise-stress (can't imagine what it does to Son) could qualify to get you on a list for different housing. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. Just READING it made my shoulders tighten!

I remember when you first moved, there was a plan to be in the house for six months (because you knew it wasn't pleasant or spacious enough) and then move to a better one. Are you still on the list for a change in housing? Or was the information you were given about how the process worked in your new city incorrect?

As to your sister, did you ever manage to say plainly to her: Do Not Mention mother to me. At all. It triggers me into a bad state of stress. (And then if she ignores that request, block her.) I thought that was the plan...

I'm so sorry Tupp. I wish I could help.

Sending comfort, courage (well, you already have that, champion level) and calm...

Hugs
Hops

PS I also think of how incredibly helpful your post would be to a T. Hand it over, give them a few minutes to read it. Can't imagine how meanginful that would be. You write so well that one understands instantly all you're trying to cope with. And then the T can direct the session very intentionally into what might help.

Can you still access a T? You deserve that concentrated help.

[Twoapenny]

Morning anger > stress mounting > noise > pain.

How horrid, Tupp. I wish your sensitivity to noise-stress (can't imagine what it does to Son) could qualify to get you on a list for different housing. I can't imagine how stressful this is for you. Just READING it made my shoulders tighten!

I remember when you first moved, there was a plan to be in the house for six months (because you knew it wasn't pleasant or spacious enough) and then move to a better one. Are you still on the list for a change in housing? Or was the information you were given about how the process worked in your new city incorrect?

As to your sister, did you ever manage to say plainly to her: Do Not Mention mother to me. At all. It triggers me into a bad state of stress. (And then if she ignores that request, block her.) I thought that was the plan...

I'm so sorry Tupp. I wish I could help.

Sending comfort, courage (well, you already have that, champion level) and calm...

Hugs
Hops

PS I also think of how incredibly helpful your post would be to a T. Hand it over, give them a few minutes to read it. Can't imagine how meanginful that would be. You write so well that one understands instantly all you're trying to cope with. And then the T can direct the session very intentionally into what might help.

Can you still access a T? You deserve that concentrated help.

Thanks, Hops The original plan to move again in six months was based on my assumption that I'd be working again once son started college.  That hasn't happened (at the moment I feel even further away from working than I did before!) so that's caused a money problem.  We're on the list for housing but it's a very long one.  I could start getting doctor's letters about stress, noise etc but it's a slightly dangerous game to play because once you get past a certain point of need you lose the right to choose.  They offer you a place and you either have to take it or go to the bottom of the list again.  So we might get offered a place sooner but it could be in a worse area, or up several flights of stairs, or not allow pets.  So it's a bit of a gamble.  I have learnt my lesson and absolutely don't want to move anywhere now where I'm making do because I don't want to be fed up with it again in a matter of months so we're probably better off waiting until I'm earning again and we can choose somewhere nice - but we'll stay on the housing list in the meantime and something might come up before then anyway.

Sis and I did talk about my mum but I did decide that I would prefer to know if she's circling the area.  I thought about it and decided I feel calmer knowing she 'might' be around than never knowing when it might be so I've asked her to tell me if she knows she's down this way.  It does still trigger me; I think anything about my mum will still trigger me.  But we don't really talk about anything else to do with her now.  The possible bonus of her coming down here is that, if I know in advance next time, I could go back up there to catch up with old friends knowing she's away   Lol, that would work well for me

No T, I can't afford one at the minute and to be honest the last few I've been to have put me off (as Dr G writes about in his book!).  None seem to understand my son's situation and I've felt they take the view that I'm overprotective of him.  I remember the last one telling me he wouldn't be in education for ever, which is true, but he will be disabled forever and so will always need education in one form or another - we all do, really.  But his education does need to be specific to him and she didn't seem to understand that.  So that frustration of explaining things and not being 'heard' (again, as Dr G writes about) really bothers me and sets me back quite a way.  I also feel that a lot of counseling now, at least here in the UK, is very centred on mindfulness, positive thinking and all that sort of thing which again, as we've talked about on here, often feels like victim blaming and to me is teaching people to tolerate abusive relationships by changing their responses to abusive behaviour, which I think is wrong.  (My thinking here is that dealing with the Local Authority is like being in an abusive relationship - the gaslighting, deceit, tacit abuse of disabled children by denying them education, healthcare and so on).  So I don't think parents should be taught how to cope with that; to me that's like teaching a battered wife how to curl up to protect herself from a beating and I think it's wrong.  So I don't think therapy is really for me anymore.  Have done it on and off for twenty years and certainly in the early days it helped a lot.  But these days I think I get much more sense out of all of you than I do from a therapist and you all know my background so I don't have to explain it every time

You do help   You all help, so much, more than I can ever put in to words.  I can never say how grateful I am for this forum, it is my rock in a mad world xx xx xx

[Twoapenny]

Just posting as I think of things again

Stress is clearly an issue but I am managing it better and I am starting to feel that I can see an end in sight   I've started working on the Personal Budget for son (this is what will mean I can carry on getting educational support for him at home and go back to organising a lot of the work for him myself).  It is a lot of work to get the budget in place (the paperwork is phenomenal) but I've found some good sources of support, have printed loads of stuff off the internet and have a meeting with someone this week to get advice and get the ball rolling at my end.  There's also no rush for it now - I work with him at home regardless, so if this isn't in place when he finishes college it won't make a huge difference, I'll just do it anyway.  It will just mean me forking out for things he needs rather than the local authority paying for them but I've done that all his life anyway so it will work.  Feel like we have a Plan A and a Plan B, which is good.

I have got various complaints I need to organise and put in; the good thing about those is that working through the procedures for the Personal Budget will mean I do a lot of work for the complaints at the same time (as the complaints are about people not following procedure).  So it feels manageable now, which is good.

I am nearing a point where I feel I will need to tell friends that I feel let down by them.  The nice lady from group has been reaching out to me for coffee and lunch dates.  I realised that I feel reluctant to put any effort into making friends now.  I don't feel that I judge situations well enough, as is shown by my constant surprise when friends vanish from my life.  I realised that there are two things I want.  The first is to be around people who enjoy my company enough to want to make the effort to have it.  The second is that, during times when my company isn't so great, because of my situation at home, I want people who care enough about me to reach out anyway, even if it's just by text or email, even when I can't see them and am not up to talking to anyone.  It isn't an endless situation in my life - I'm not always down and unapproachable.  But I do feel incredibly let down that over this last six months or so - which quite frankly have been the hardest I have been through - I have friends who not only didn't notice I'd fallen off the cliff, but who also didn't care to take the time to try to help me back up again.  I do feel I'm getting back up again, but it hasn't been down to any of them (it's been down to you guys and a lot of investment in my health and preserving my sanity).  I feel that my anger has lessened.  I'm probably not quite ready to talk to any of them about it yet but I feel like the time is coming when I will need to say something.  I do feel I need to say my bit and I'm not concerned about whether or not they think it's okay.  That's new for me so I'm going to sit with it for a while and see if that feeling stays.

Also feel I need to try and simplify by working on one big thing at a time.  I feel that I constantly need to juggle all the balls all the time.  All aspects of our life need improvement and I feel like I should try to work on everything simultaneously.  It doesn't work, so I feel I need to keep focusing on health (I'm really noticing the difference yoga makes now and am trying very hard to do it morning and evening).  I need to deal with this paperwork, sort son's education plan out and do all these complaints - and then put this very unpleasant phase of our lives behind me.  Then I need to concentrate on getting some sort of income and once that's in place we can start looking for somewhere new to live.  I've seen a beautiful place, a two bedroom cottage with a wood burning stove that's in the middle of nowhere.  Huge garden, absolutely surrounded by fields and only £20 a month more than we pay now (about $25, I think).  There's no way we could move at the minute, just too much else to do and organise, but that's exactly the sort of place that I love so I'm keeping that in mind as my goal, to give me something to focus on.

The other thing that has crossed my mind is whether, once son's educational provision is finished here (age 25), he and I could house sit globally?  I've read about people doing it, just sitting in other people's houses while they holiday or go away for work placements or something like that.  I don't know much about it but it occurred to me that we might be able to travel the world that way.  Might be pie in the sky but it's something else I'll look into in due course.

That's all for now! xx

[Hopalong]

Wow, ((((Tupp))).

In addition to big stress, it also keeps striking me that you have big vision.
That you still dream, have deep imagination, and remarkable resilience (as I sit here comfortably with an iota of the load you carry) is incredibly inspiring to me. Thank you. You'll never know how valuable your story here is to others, but I just want to say it.

I SO wish that beautiful cottage could be yours tomorrow. And more.

When I talked about a T I was thinking of the compassionate one you trusted in your previous city. It seems WRONG to me that a person living with all that you carry isn't helped by access (and financially supported access) to a therapist. But if wishes were horses, we'd all be riding.

I am awed by your determination, your courage, and the fact that when you fall or sink, you get up or swim. There's enormous depth to you. You have character where it counts, in spades.

Be proud of yourself today. Truly proud.

hugs
Hops