Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on September 18, 2019, 12:18:06 PM ---However in the world will be figure out boundaries, put them in place, and somehow find comfort behind them, Tupp?
I reallhy want you to creatively solve your privacy problem in the group, and keep the positives you've found there. Can you borrow an office, or even a hallway for your one on one meetings? Maybe even put up one of those tri fold cardboard things kids use for projects at school... sitting on the table between you and the rest of the group. Yu could put a sign on it with instructions....
PUT YOUR NAME ON THE LIST BELOW THEN WAIT TILL YOUR NAME IS CALLED.... something.
I'm noticing how my energy invites people to talk AT me, and overshare, and that really robs the joy out of things that should bring joy... like dropping off a basket of food to post op neighbors.
I just can't solve their problems with meds that aren't doing the trick with pain, and if they won't consider doing something, like askig the doc for a med that actually works, then I need to go on my way. Does talking about it help? I'm sure it does, but it's too draining to get trapped for too long, and not know how to end it without feeling bad. It's a double whammy bc I get drained the beat myself up for not having better boundaries, then have a harder time problem solving from that negative head space.
I should think up better boundaries, and have them ready to deploy proactively.... so I don't have to think when I'm in the thick of being talked at or trapped. I can just DO that thing I thought of ahead, and know it's better for everyone all the way around.
Yup yup yup.
Good luck figuring out how to handle the group, Tupp.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Lighter. The problem this morning was that I wasn't there with an advice giving hat on, it was just a coffee morning type thing - and the people talking at me weren't after advice, they were just talking at me. Which I find tiring. Some people wouldn't. Like you, I find people do seem to just give me their life stories without any prompting - I don't know why! And yes, it's hard to have boundaries in every situation, because situations just appear or can change quickly whilst you're in them, so sometimes you have to react fast and that's difficult to do. I was tired anyway, which of course makes everything seem worse too. It will sort itself out somehow, I'm sure.
In other news - the friend I resisted seeking information for earlier in the week texted me today to say she'd sorted the problem out and it was all dealt with :) So me not sticking my nose in was defo the best idea. I think I need to stop feeling so responsible for everyone else. But because I've had so many situations where I've felt so alone and so desperate I hate thinking of anyone else feeling like that, which is why I think I jump in too quickly.
lighter:
It's going to be a difficult mind shift, Tupp. Finding comfort and being OK with letting people find their own way. Just listening, for a brief time, then breaking off, with love... breaking off without offering advice and help, and allowing space for folks to solve their own problems. THat's a tricky one bc, for us I think, it carries the potential of not being accepted/supported/protected in a group ALONG with feeling like we're letting down someone who's struggling in ways we've struggled when we really needed help. Just generalizing here, but I think I get what you were saying, and understand it, at least the bigger pieces. .
My ex SIL used to do this nodding shaking head thing that wasn't a yes or a no... a rolling head thing, while she listened. I've used it, and it makes me feel like I'm responding appropriately with less desire to jump in, and solve problems for people, which is my default.
It's not my usual reaction, and just mindfully choosing something different seems to change up my patterns, in other words.
And I also think we put out signals, particularly to people who seek out good listeners/fixers. I've always been a good secret keeper, and I don't want to be that anymore, not for everyone at any rate.
When I was a 9 or 10 yo child I remember my best friend's father telling me things about his marriage, and sexlife that no child should have to listen to. He didn't DO anything towards me he was just lonely and needed to talk to someone, and we were in the car for hours. I'm sure I said zippo to that, and I think he just chattered like a monkey the entire trip. THAT has been how things have gone since I can remember.
Last week a neighbor, who's talked about very personal things with me, and actually asked out my married sister, always tells me I'm a great listener. The truth is, I'd never ever ever tell him anything personal about myself, and listening is safer for me. I do enjoy talking to him about our dogs, the yard, the bears, the forest, the rain run off, the weather, and different things I'm working on with energy work, etc, but the intimate stuff is uncomfortable. He's very helpful, and now that I know he asked out my sister, maybe too helpful.
I'm going to be careful not to pull up my drawbridge, which is something I typically do when feeling this way. I'm going to try to come up with ways to discourage too much information, but lets light connection flow.
I don't honestly know how to DO that right now.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Lighter, that is the thing, isn't it - how do we keep ourselves open to possibilties of good encounters and interactions, new people, new places, but also avoid our energy being drained by people who aren't deliberately trying to be draining, but who none the less leave us feeling tired and displaced from ourselves.
And perhaps it's the displacement that's the problem. I love being around people who are into self help, healthy living, reading, outdoor activities and so on. I enjoy the company of people with a bit of knowledge behind them - not necessarily academic, but just someone a bit open minded, whose experiences in life have encouraged them to dig a bit deeper. I don't feel like that when I'm with people who tend to just talk about themselves and their own day to day minutia.
And then there's the guilt. I have you guys to talk to. I feel guilty that other people don't have this level of awesomeness in their lives! But then I think, well I found you guys because I was having counselling and reading books about toxic parenting, childhood abuse, narcissism and so on. Then I went looking on the internet for more info and found a forum, which I joined. Someone on that forum mentioned this one and that is how I found my way here. I was actively looking for answers and for ways to change. And perhaps that's the key - there are people who search and people who wait to be found, or have everything done for them, or who don't want to change but like to complain about where they're at. Am I responsible for those people. No. Do I feel responsible for those people. Yes. That's the tricky bit for me.
Perhaps it is more about slowing down and focusing more on myself. I'm thinking in terms of the group at the moment. Perhaps I should wait until the day it runs to see how I feel and see whether I want to go in or not. Perhaps, if I do go in, I should sit slightly apart, on my own. I don't do that, because I feel it looks aloof and standoffish. But perhaps I should do that initially and take a bit of time to watch and then perhaps take a bit more care over choosing who to sit next to. It feels quite a lot of work - and even a bit manipulative? or selfish? I'm not sure, something weird is coming up - but perhaps ten minutes like that at the start would help avoid needing two days to recover afterwards? What do you think? xx
Twoapenny:
Still practising boundary setting and self care. Was so exhausted this morning the effort of getting out of bed felt monumental. We were supposed to do various things after collecting son from college (early finish today). I cancelled, explained to son we'd do them another day and took to the sofa. Son's repetitive habits intensify when he's tired or stressed and are currently through the roof. It's tiring for both of us. So we both need a break. Nap was achieved :) Neighbour popped round to borrow strimmer. She has two young (very cute) children. I opened my mouth to offer to sit them while she cuts the grass (see? I do it to myself, I don't even wait to be asked, I just jump in there). And then I thought, Tupp, you need to rest, lady is very nice and has partner/other family who can help if need be. Shush yourself. So I closed my mouth again, showed her how to use the strimmer and left her to it.
Lady from group has messaged again, having re-written all the paperwork that we've already agreed on and wants to meet up to go through all the new paperwork again. I have said I'm busy now until next week but I'm sure it's all fine and she could just send it off without it being checked again (she writes very well so it won't need re-writing and even if it did, I've just offered to help out, it's no skin off my nose if it's terribly badly written). I am mindful that she's learning this as she goes so mistakes are inevitable. I'm also mindful that some people do like to have a constant whirlwind of activity going on around them, self created or otherwise. I'm also mindful that THIS ISN'T MY BAG SO I DON'T NEED TO PICK IT UP. I feel like I need to shout it at myself so that I remember.
Twoapenny:
Just jotting things down as I notice them.
Stress has a huge effect on me, and is affecting me hugely at the moment. I am in the hormonal phase of my cycle, which intensifies things, but I had far fewer problems with that over the summer holiday, because the external stress was missing.
So - stressful events have been - college - just taking him there and back every day stresses me out. I don't want him there and I don't think he's particularly enjoying it now either.
Seeing doctor - even though the appointment went well, the stress of going near a doctor was there and has had an effect. I have booked up appointments for myself as well but again, the thought of it alone is enough to make me feel anxious.
Group and/or people chopping and changing appointments - smaller levels of stress with that but enough to make an impact.
Practising boundaries - I do find it stressful, even though I want to do it.
Loneliness - cripples me now, but equally I find being around people stressful. The only option seems to be (at the moment, anyway) staying home quietly until the physical symptoms pass. I couldn't tolerate anyone near me at the moment, even having the light on feels too much.
It's interesting because it seems to me that just not having control over my own timetable causes me stress (autism trait? or just easier to manage? don't know) so just having to arrange my day around college is difficult. Then the other things on top have made it increase and I think what's hard is that I'm having to cope with more stress but I've got less time to do stress relieving things because of the time I'm spending doing stressful things. Mmmm. Will have to keep noticing and pondering until some ideas become clear.
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