Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Hopalong:
I think you're coping amazingly, Tupp.
When you stop beating yourself up and just make whatever daily adjustments you
need to make, in order to get through that day with less emotional exhaustion, you're doing more than a whole lot of hopelessly dysfunctional people do!
From my friends who are mildly on the spectrum, I recognize a powerful commitment to timelines, logical arrangements, and things not being changed willy-nilly. I think it's difficult to just "go with the flow" and adjust your approach to things in mid-air. Or, I can't imagine that WOULDN'T be difficult!
For that reason, dear, you awe me more than ever. That you have dealt with all you deal with with such grace and at times transcendent common sense, is miraculous.
DO rest up, be nice to yourself, and don't worry about perfection or tight control of every task or challenge. Ain't no such thing.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 19, 2019, 09:22:18 PM ---I think you're coping amazingly, Tupp.
When you stop beating yourself up and just make whatever daily adjustments you
need to make, in order to get through that day with less emotional exhaustion, you're doing more than a whole lot of hopelessly dysfunctional people do!
From my friends who are mildly on the spectrum, I recognize a powerful commitment to timelines, logical arrangements, and things not being changed willy-nilly. I think it's difficult to just "go with the flow" and adjust your approach to things in mid-air. Or, I can't imagine that WOULDN'T be difficult!
For that reason, dear, you awe me more than ever. That you have dealt with all you deal with with such grace and at times transcendent common sense, is miraculous.
DO rest up, be nice to yourself, and don't worry about perfection or tight control of every task or challenge. Ain't no such thing.
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hops. I think daily adjustments is the way to go forward, and maybe even that I need to stop arranging anything non-essential in advance for now so that I can decide each day what I feel up to doing. It's difficult with son's needs being what they are to chop and change anything around and yes, I find it difficult for me as well because I get my head into 'this is what we're doing' mode and I just don't have the energy any more to come up with a plan B. So I think I need to keep practising my boundaries. Group lady wanted me to go round to sign papers again; I waited until today to message her back and said I have some time on Monday so we've arranged it for then. Purposely didn't drop what I was doing to accommodate. Feels odd but I know it's right. Similarly, a friend texted with a problem she's having, I resisted offering to help. I need to keep my focus on my health, son's health and I need to start earning some money so I really do need to start being more ruthless with my time and keep the best of it for me.
In other news - I had one of those lightbulb moments today when I realised, really realised, that people treating me badly is a reflection of them, not me. People have said that to me before, I've read it in various places but I didn't really feel it until today. Don't know why, the penny just dropped all of a sudden. I've felt for years that something I do attracts certain kinds of experiences and people to me. But it doesn't. There are a lot of messed up people in the world and when they do thoughtless or unpleasant stuff it's about them, not me. I've just got to focus more on me and get myself into a better place where I'm naturally coming into contact with people who don't have as much baggage to offload onto someone else :)
My feet hurt :) Lol, you know it's been a busy day when your feet are pounding when you take your shoes off :) xx
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
I wanted to post back about that reflexive offer to help.
That's something I do, and I'm trying to stop doing it reflexively, give myself a bit of time to breathe, then see if I really have the time, and resources.... I'd like to be able to ask myself if it's appropriate if it's something that will bring me more of what I want, etc.
The last thing you said, about people treating you badly is about THEM, not YOU....
HUGE bit of information there!
It's easier to process IF we're not feeling it reflects on US, for sure.
Elevate those tired feet, and drink plenty of water.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on September 20, 2019, 01:49:39 PM ---Hi Tupp:
I wanted to post back about that reflexive offer to help.
That's something I do, and I'm trying to stop doing it reflexively, give myself a bit of time to breathe, then see if I really have the time, and resources.... I'd like to be able to ask myself if it's appropriate if it's something that will bring me more of what I want, etc.
The last thing you said, about people treating you badly is about THEM, not YOU....
HUGE bit of information there!
It's easier to process IF we're not feeling it reflects on US, for sure.
Elevate those tired feet, and drink plenty of water.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Ha ha, I'm just heading off for an Epsom Salts bath :) Yes the reflex is so strong, and yet very few people have that reflex with me? It's a funny thing that I've noticed, I'm very conscious of the fact that when I'm having a bad time very few (real life) people offer to help, yet it's the first thing I do with just about everyone. And I do need to stop. If I'm honest I don't have time to help anybody else out, ever! I don't want to get completely to a point where I never do anyone a favour but I have got to start being more honest with myself about what I can do and whether I need to do it. I think we need to think about what constantly offering to help says about us? I think with me it's low self esteem, a desire to please and be thought of as 'good', and not to be the reason someone feels alone or unwanted. It's hard, isn't it? I think I need to be more honest with people about my own situation. It sort of doesn't occur to me that saying, "I've got no help myself so I'm sorry but I can't offer to do anything for you" is actually alright? I need to practise more lol xx
Hopalong:
Yes, yay, HUGE info!
For me key line:
--- Quote ---Purposely didn't drop what I was doing to accommodate. Feels odd but I know it's right.
--- End quote ---
Soooo cool. What I read here is that you have allowed that the feelings ("odd" = "discomfort") do not get to run the show, because you're also trusting your reason (what you know). You are actually quite rational, and the rational truth is --- when we practice a different response to our usual emotional-trigger, repetition of not letting feeling always rule = the eventual change in the feelings. How long is "eventual"? DON'T GIVE UP when from day to day it seems to go backward. See this article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/forming-new-habits_b_5104807. A quote:
--- Quote ---In other words, if you want to set your expectations appropriately, the truth is that it will probably take you anywhere from two months to eight months to build a new behavior into your life -- not 21 days.
Interestingly, the researchers also found that "missing one opportunity to perform the behavior did not materially affect the habit formation process." In other words, it doesn't matter if you mess up every now and then. Building better habits is not an all-or-nothing process.
--- End quote ---
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When feelings don't get their way, one DOES become more feeling-comfortable with a new, more rational choice. It just takes time and repetition. Your recent boundary-setting, decisions not to automatically leap to exhaust yourself for unimportant agendas of others....those are just awesome.
Huge thing #2?
--- Quote ---the penny just dropped all of a sudden. I've felt for years that something I do attracts certain kinds of experiences and people to me. But it doesn't.
--- End quote ---
I'm really happy for and about you, Tupp. Even though your feet hurt.
Ohhh, being codependent me, gotta fix that too!
1) Epsom salts in bucket of warm water. [edit: Duh. You just mentioned Epsoms!]
2) Insert feet, 15-20 minutes.
3) Dry and moisturize with lotsa oil.
4) Put on clean cotton socks.
5) Roll feet. (Use a rolling pin, baggie of pencils, whatever's hard and rolls.)
Happily,
Hops
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