Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on October 25, 2019, 12:18:26 PM ---OH TUPP I'm going to twirl in the moss, and smile to the sun... just over the moon about your plans to move, be closer to friends, and dive back into life... teaching... other opportunities that have yet to be revealed!
That's is amazing news, and I want you to know that it's just the spark I need to go into the office and dig in. After moss twirling, of course; )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, thank you :) I am being more realistic about this move. I have always thought that (a) something would be a magical solution to life and (b) that I'd kind of just go back to my old life (pre -son) at some time. I've let go of that. I'm not looking for perfection. I'll check the various groups and care options out up there and if any of those seem like something son could attend, even if just for an afternoon a week, then we'll set the wheels in motion. I'm starting from assumption of working with him at home (both in terms of continuing his various therapies and education stuff myself) and having paid work I can do from home as well and then if we do manage to get paid care help for him it will be a bonus. But I'm starting with the assumption that I'll do it all. I found the fall from my expectation of moving here to the reality of how it's been just too much to cope with and it took me in to a very deep, dark pit that I don't want to visit again. So this time I'll assume it will all be me and if it gets better than that, then great.
It's a nice town - on the coast, quite quirky and vibrant, lots of independent shops and social groups. Good train links to other major cities. About 90 minutes away from friends who I am currently about four hours away from so that will be good, it's doable in a day then so I'll be able to see them regularly like I used to. I am looking forward to that. The main town itself is expensive but there are areas about twenty minutes out that are more affordable and lots of old properties which I like (our current one is a new build). Not necessarily going to be easy or happen quickly but it's looking viable and that will do for me for now. This move will be completely in secret; I'll get mail redirected from this address indefinitely this time so that no-one knows we've moved again and there is then no way 'She Who Must Be Avoided' can possibly find out. Lots to do, much to organise but in theory it all looks possible and I am looking forward to getting the wheels in motion. And hoping for a spot to grow moss! Lol xx
lighter:
Well, you've done this before, and this time you're all in with self protection, and expectations seems to me.
You're certainly capable of organizing this move, finding a new location, and making it happen. I feel good about your choice to just cut ties with forwarding addresses. Pick and choose who you invite into your life. Are the friends, 90 min away, the ones who visited you before? The lovely people? Was this last visit from that same friend?
I know your son is developmentally young for his age. Is that age now about 5yo approximately, or older? Will he continue to mature, or is that something that's not changing?
I hope this move brings new opportunities, and a fresh start for you and ds. The town sounds nice, and living on the coast has it's charms.
I talked about my past, that I miss so so much, with my T, and she listened intently, looked me in the eye, and said... "That's over now. You're past that, and it will never come again. You have to think about building a life in the present. " I'm paraphrasing, but that was her message.
She went on about how amazing the world is, and what joy there is to be had... many other very nice things, and I think I just blinked at her, perhaps very flat, bc she sent me some things on how we're really afraid of how powerful we are, not how wanting we are.
She's ready for me to step into my power, and I'm thinking that would be an amazing next step, no matter what I do.
I have the feeling that letting go of the past, as you've said recently, is a big part of the next step in this journey.
I hope you find a shady little garden, with plenty of moisture from the coast so that moss grows in shaggy abandon, good for wiggling toes in, ((Tupp.))
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on October 25, 2019, 07:02:14 PM ---Well, you've done this before, and this time you're all in with self protection, and expectations seems to me.
You're certainly capable of organizing this move, finding a new location, and making it happen. I feel good about your choice to just cut ties with forwarding addresses. Pick and choose who you invite into your life. Are the friends, 90 min away, the ones who visited you before? The lovely people? Was this last visit from that same friend?
I know your son is developmentally young for his age. Is that age now about 5yo approximately, or older? Will he continue to mature, or is that something that's not changing?
I hope this move brings new opportunities, and a fresh start for you and ds. The town sounds nice, and living on the coast has it's charms.
I talked about my past, that I miss so so much, with my T, and she listened intently, looked me in the eye, and said... "That's over now. You're past that, and it will never come again. You have to think about building a life in the present. " I'm paraphrasing, but that was her message.
She went on about how amazing the world is, and what joy there is to be had... many other very nice things, and I think I just blinked at her, perhaps very flat, bc she sent me some things on how we're really afraid of how powerful we are, not how wanting we are.
She's ready for me to step into my power, and I'm thinking that would be an amazing next step, no matter what I do.
I have the feeling that letting go of the past, as you've said recently, is a big part of the next step in this journey.
I hope you find a shady little garden, with plenty of moisture from the coast so that moss grows in shaggy abandon, good for wiggling toes in, ((Tupp.))
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Lighter :) Yes, the friends we'll be closer to are the ones who have been down to visit since we moved here (I've seen more of them since we moved here than the friends who live down here, because they've made more of an effort to get together). So to be a train ride away from them and to be able to pop up for a few hours rather than having to do at least an overnight will mean we can get together more often. When we lived nearer to them before I generally saw them at least every four to six weeks so it will be nice to get back to something like that again. I think my son is probably functioning more at a seven year old level now, although his speech is probably further behind than that. I am planning to carry on working with him with his independence skills and I'm going to look into assistive technology for him more now. For example, there is apparently an app where he just presses a picture of a bell and it automatically calls however many phone numbers you've programmed in to it and send his location to those numbers as well, so that if there's a problem he can get help quickly. You can also get systems now where you can see who's at your door even if you're not at home, and speak to them over some sort of wizardry tech set up - so effectively I can answer the door even if I'm not home. Things like that would make it possible to leave him home by himself for an hour or so, I think. And in all honesty Lighter, I don't think I'll ever stop working with him to help him be as independent as possible - I think there's always a chance we can learn new skills and change our neural pathways so I'm hopeful that he will continue to improve.
Yes, your T is right. I have, and am, finding it really hard to let go of the past - all the bad things that happened, all the good things that I hoped I'd get back to and haven't been able to. And because so many of my past experiences have been bad, I find the idea of having a big open space in front of me frightening rather than exciting. But I am trying really hard to focus on what I can do, right now, to make things work a little better, even if that's just having a glass of water rather than a cup of tea or a banana instead of a biscuit. I'm going to keep chipping away at it and really working at focusing on what I want to happen, rather than what's happened before. It's the balance between taking sensible precautions and still moving forward that wavers a bit, so I will keep focusing on that.
The idea of shaggily abandoned moss is a brilliant one and makes me smile, Lighter :) Lol xx
Hopalong:
I really like the sound of this other town, Tupp.
I hope this plan will come to life.
I like your realism and controlled expectations, too.
I just hate the idea of you going through another move because of you-know-who. That this old bat still has influence over your life is a frustrating thought.
Do you think you'd feel differently about your present town if you were in a more pleasant home? I was crushed for you when it became clear that your "new" place was poky, moldy, damp and cramped. You deserve enough space to breathe, NO damp or mold, and somewhere you really can make cozy. I understood completely why things went dark in your mind for a while.
I like your new plan too. But I hope Nmom is irrelevant.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on October 29, 2019, 04:40:40 PM ---I really like the sound of this other town, Tupp.
I hope this plan will come to life.
I like your realism and controlled expectations, too.
I just hate the idea of you going through another move because of you-know-who. That this old bat still has influence over your life is a frustrating thought.
Do you think you'd feel differently about your present town if you were in a more pleasant home? I was crushed for you when it became clear that your "new" place was poky, moldy, damp and cramped. You deserve enough space to breathe, NO damp or mold, and somewhere you really can make cozy. I understood completely why things went dark in your mind for a while.
I like your new plan too. But I hope Nmom is irrelevant.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hops, I can see you've been busy updating threads! Lol. Unfortunately, it was whilst browsing online at potential new properties locally a little while ago that I realised I didn't want to be here, lovely house or no lovely house. College hasn't just not worked out, it's actually doing a lot of damage now (more drama today which I'll no doubt moan about at some point but for now I'm trying to put it out of my mind for the rest of the day). But it's clear to me that college isn't the answer. I've looked around at the adult provision and that's not ringing my bell either. I do accept and appreciate that it might get to the point where I just have to suck up what's available and lower my standards - but I'm not there yet and I'm going to keep trying all the time I've still got a bit of fight left in me. I feel very abandoned by my friends here and I have met some nice people, but I'm aware that nice people alone isn't enough. I need good quality care for my son and a decent range of social activities for him to get in to and the boxes just aren't being ticked here. So even with a lovely home, we've still got the same problem of (a) it's going to fall to me to do most of the work with him and (b) that means me having to be at home a lot - and my friends here aren't even keeping in touch by text, let alone making time to come visit. I don't expect anyone to make a huge effort but a slight nod every now and again to acknowledge they're aware we exist would mean that at least I don't have to make all the effort by myself.
Mum was the straw that broke the camel's back. Do you have Kerplunk in the States? You have a tube full of marbles that are balanced on sticks which you take it in turns to pull out. Eventually all the marbles drop. Although everything else had been going less than well, I was consoling myself with the fact that she didn't know where we were. But now she does know, that last little bit of comfort I was trying to give myself has gone as well. So she isn't the sole reason we're moving, but her not knowing where we were was the one thing that was making me feel I should stay and keep trying. And now I feel like I want to put my trying into moving somewhere she doesn't know, and not telling anyone. Shush :) Lol.
But the positives - I am really, truly, leaving my old life behind this time. Physically, the paperwork clutter will be gone when we leave here, scanned and archived if necessary, burnt if not. Much of son's childhood stuff will be no more; I'll keep a few things of sentimental value, make memory books and so on, but much will be going to charity or passed on to various groups in the area. Friends who can't find the time to text from one month to the next will not receive my love! I'm not perfect, but I'm a good friend. I'm kind, I listen, I offer practical help when I can, I'm a whizz with looking up stuff on the internet and will happily search a load of info for someone in need and mail it to them. I'm good company and reliable and I do bloody well with holding it all together, if I do say so myself. So I think friendship should be about people who enjoy my company enough to want to spend time with me and who're happy to hang on in there a bit if I'm in a bad place. My friend who came to stay, for example, asks a lot of questions about details that I don't think of ("where shall I put my cup? Shall I use this towel or that one? Shall I put my biscuit on a plate? Do I need to bring my coat?") and by the third evening my tiredness was overwhelming and I got a bit snappy with her. I apologised the next day (having had some sleep!) and she said, "Don't worry at all. I know you were tired and it's been so good to see you, that's what I'll be taking home with me". That's a true friend; she cares about me enough to put up with me being grumpy and moody from time to time because she knows the situation's tough and she knows it's not my natural state. Anyway, I'm waffling, but that's what I want going forward, real friendships, through good and bad, not ones that only work if I do all the running about.
And - this is all going to take quite some time to organise. Much needs doing in the house first, son's programme needs sorting and setting up, health is priority! I'm not going to run myself into the ground anymore. I'm going to take my time with it all and I'm not rushing into moving. I'm going to check the various facilities out in the new area and if they turn out to be of no use, I'll re-think. If they do look promising, then I want to spend some time getting to know the area a bit so that we don't end up living somewhere without a bus service or surrounded by unpleasantness. And then I want to spend time finding a nice place, that we can really relax in and call home. So it's all going to take a while and during that I am going to enjoy living here - there are still nice places to visit and beautiful beaches to enjoy, and some nice people to spend time with, so this is new and improved Tupp telling everyone else they can bloody well wait until I'm ready. Lol. What a long essay! xx
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