Reciprocal Relationships with Others and Ourselves

[Twoapenny]

That's too bad about the day center. Would have been a social opportunity for both of you maybe.

I've probably been too harsh in my description of it, G, it's probably great for older people with different types of disabilities, but my son gets very overwhelmed by noise, people, lots going on and a lack of structure.  So a big noisy space with forty odd people in it, no clear indication of who the staff are, no routine or timetable and no security (anyone can wander in or out and it's a five minute walk from the town centre) just makes it completely unsuitable for him.  My frustration is that we've literally got hundreds of pages detailing his disabilities, I explain what he needs and who needs to do it over and over again and still people refer us to the wrong places constantly.  I'm just frustrated because I've spent a year waiting for the professionals to sort everything out and it's clear now that I need to do it all myself and then tell them what to organised - which I don't mind doing but if I'd known last June that's what I needed to do it would have been done by July   C'est la vie and all that, the sun is shining, summer holidays are coming, I'm about to do some yoga and I just don't care anymore   Woo hooo!  Lol.  If reports of a deranged woman skipping on a beach make their way across the pond to you, you'll know who it is xx x

[Meh]

heheh I'm sure nobody would notice one more deranged person on the beach  (smile)    if its fun why not

[lighter]

If I picture you, Tupp, in social situations....
taking your time.... observing the people around you, and how they interact with others.
If I see you choosing a person to interact with, just one or two that day, to explore possible connections with, while considering your needs, and possible joy.
IF I see you reaching out,  testing a connection... sampling it for joy..... spark....  finding it, and turning fully to it, or not.  Just remaining in your space, knowing that connection is not for you, now.

And there's flow to this process.  No angst.  No worry.  The feelings of others are their own, not Tupp's to bear.  She's safe within her boundaries.  Comfortable.  At ease in her skin.  Free to be present in the moment.  Old distractions fallen away without regret or sadness.   

Tupp owns the world around her, whether she feels it or not.  It is HER world, and her creative spirit has room to grow within the boundaries of that good, and right ownership.  Fear, and jealousy fall away, and she no longer suffers comparisons with others.  There's no room within Tupp's boundaries for such useless things.  Time matters.  Every second is special, and precious to her. 

She can hear the rain, and birds....
feel the breeze, and sun.....
sense her son's happy activity nearby....
smell fresh laundry.....
and know the cup of tea she's enjoying is the best cup of tea she's ever had.

She looks forward to social arrangements, and feels there's always just enough.  She lives from a place of abundance.  She cultivates abundance her friends enjoy with her.  These friends bring some home, and cultivate it for themselves.  Tupp is teaching, as she learns.   

TUPP is the happy recipient of this undercurrent in all aspects of her life.  She doesn't get ahead of herself, and worry about tomorrow.  She's proactive, and does what she can in the moment, then stays rooted in the moment.  Her head is where her feet are, in the here and now, and this brings more peace and joy to her life. 

Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow is a dream.  Today is all we have.  It's what's real.... what's in front of us now.  Tupp knows this, and if she forgets, she laughs, and returns to the present.  She's human, and notices this, sans judgement.  She's compassionate, as always, but now she's the first to receive this beautiful kindness.  She's not scattering it about, waiting for it to come back.   She has enough, and there's plenty to offer the worthy people invited into her world.     

There are habits, and ways of being in the world.  Blocking out distractions, in favor of things we value in the moment.  Attention to details that matter, instead of worrying about what comes next.  What comes next is what comes next.

I love the idea of beginning every morning stretching, and cultivating a strong healthy body.  I'm trying to read PAIN FREE, by Pete Egoscue.  I'm trying to learn his routine to stay healthy, since I'm feeling good right now, but it's a struggle, bc I want to jump around and read about all the things I've struggled with first.  My brain scan has me pegged solidly with ADD, and I see it in everything I do.  It's not a relief, to know that, yet.  I think it will be.

Everyone has strengths and deficits.  It's what makes us who we are.  Leaning into the strengths, and staying curious about the deficits.... whatever they are.... is one way to get through life.  I rather like the sound of doing it that way. 

I hope you're finding joy in your weekend, Tupp.  I hope your garden has little gems, and surprises for you.  I hope you enjoy a long lavender epson salt soak in the tub, or read about something you're interested in.  I hope you go out in nature, in social situations, take time to observe those around you, spend a little time with one or two, and explore the possibility of lovely connection.  The connection should be real, and reciprocal.  Cultivate those connections you find nourishing, Tupp.  There's time, and room to breath. 

Lighter




   

[Twoapenny]

heheh I'm sure nobody would notice one more deranged person on the beach  (smile)    if its fun why not

It's good to be deranged, G!  And we're close to a few beaches so I can go to different ones to avoid being caught   Ha ha xx

[Twoapenny]

I really like the way you've written this, Lighter, it's like a little story of how things are and how nice life can be
If I picture you, Tupp, in social situations....
taking your time.... observing the people around you, and how they interact with others.
If I see you choosing a person to interact with, just one or two that day, to explore possible connections with, while considering your needs, and possible joy.
IF I see you reaching out,  testing a connection... sampling it for joy..... spark....  finding it, and turning fully to it, or not.  Just remaining in your space, knowing that connection is not for you, now.

Now it's very funny that you should have written this!  I took son to a shamanic drumming circle yesterday.  I have read a little bit about shamanism and had a healing session years ago.  Son has never done anything like that at all and it was one of the things I put on my list of things to try out.  I was nervous about it, not only because it was a new place, new people, new activity, but also because son has never done it and I was worried that he wouldn't like it or that the other people there would reject him and be unpleasant.  And I think that anxiety is a big part of the problem I have with socialising?  Because I hate the way that makes me feel, I go overboard to help other people feel included and involved - so when that doesn't happen to me, it makes me feel rejected instantly.  Whereas, what I think is more likely, is that other people don't have that same instinct to soothe others because they don't have the same need to be soothed themselves?  I think maybe what I do is project it outwards, and do for other people what I wish someone would do for me?  So what I need to do is start focusing all that attention that I project forward into myself instead.  Does that make sense?

The session went well, son enjoyed it although a couple of the people were very odd (I do think new age and spiritual type practices are a haven for narcissists and have met a fair few over the years.  Instinct, again, and definitely a couple of people there to avoid but the others were nice and the session itself was interesting and I enjoyed it.

And there's flow to this process.  No angst.  No worry.  The feelings of others are their own, not Tupp's to bear.  She's safe within her boundaries.  Comfortable.  At ease in her skin.  Free to be present in the moment.  Old distractions fallen away without regret or sadness.   

I think that's definitely the bit for me to work on, Lighter, I still take responsibility for other people's feelings, even though I'm trying not to.  That's the bit I still need to work on, and feeling comfortable with myself.  Not there yet, but working towards it

Tupp owns the world around her, whether she feels it or not.  It is HER world, and her creative spirit has room to grow within the boundaries of that good, and right ownership.  Fear, and jealousy fall away, and she no longer suffers comparisons with others.  There's no room within Tupp's boundaries for such useless things.  Time matters.  Every second is special, and precious to her. 

And yes, time matters, and I so much want it to be filled with good things that I want to be doing, rather than coping with the unpleasant consequences of other people's actions, whether they meant to be unpleasant or not.  It's a timely reminder, thank you

She can hear the rain, and birds....
feel the breeze, and sun.....
sense her son's happy activity nearby....
smell fresh laundry.....
and know the cup of tea she's enjoying is the best cup of tea she's ever had

Ha ha, it's almost exactly that right now!  No rain, but the birds are singing and sun is forecast for today (it's still quite early here.  Son is asleep upstairs (although as I say that I've heard a clonk so he might be up.  The washing machine is on and the dry load from yesterday is folded and waiting to go into the airing cupboard.  And my cup of tea is delicious!  Lol

She looks forward to social arrangements, and feels there's always just enough.  She lives from a place of abundance.  She cultivates abundance her friends enjoy with her.  These friends bring some home, and cultivate it for themselves.  Tupp is teaching, as she learns.   

TUPP is the happy recipient of this undercurrent in all aspects of her life.  She doesn't get ahead of herself, and worry about tomorrow.  She's proactive, and does what she can in the moment, then stays rooted in the moment.  Her head is where her feet are, in the here and now, and this brings more peace and joy to her life. 

Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow is a dream.  Today is all we have.  It's what's real.... what's in front of us now.  Tupp knows this, and if she forgets, she laughs, and returns to the present.  She's human, and notices this, sans judgement.  She's compassionate, as always, but now she's the first to receive this beautiful kindness.  She's not scattering it about, waiting for it to come back.   She has enough, and there's plenty to offer the worthy people invited into her world.     

There are habits, and ways of being in the world.  Blocking out distractions, in favor of things we value in the moment.  Attention to details that matter, instead of worrying about what comes next.  What comes next is what comes next.

I love the idea of beginning every morning stretching, and cultivating a strong healthy body.  I'm trying to read PAIN FREE, by Pete Egoscue.  I'm trying to learn his routine to stay healthy, since I'm feeling good right now, but it's a struggle, bc I want to jump around and read about all the things I've struggled with first.  My brain scan has me pegged solidly with ADD, and I see it in everything I do.  It's not a relief, to know that, yet.  I think it will be.

Everyone has strengths and deficits.  It's what makes us who we are.  Leaning into the strengths, and staying curious about the deficits.... whatever they are.... is one way to get through life.  I rather like the sound of doing it that way. 

I hope you're finding joy in your weekend, Tupp.  I hope your garden has little gems, and surprises for you.  I hope you enjoy a long lavender epson salt soak in the tub, or read about something you're interested in.  I hope you go out in nature, in social situations, take time to observe those around you, spend a little time with one or two, and explore the possibility of lovely connection.  The connection should be real, and reciprocal.  Cultivate those connections you find nourishing, Tupp.  There's time, and room to breath. 

Lighter

All of this chimes with me, Lighter - new beginnings, new connections, new ways of doing things.  I really want things to change now, for life to be happier and easier and more enjoyable and yes, filled with good connections.  We're getting there, aren't we?  And with the ADD revelation now for you, will that make changes in your life, do you think, or do you feel like you knew anyway but it just wasn't 'official'?  Lots of love to all of you xx


 

[Twoapenny]

It just started raining!  Oh my goodness, Lighter's controlling the weather!  Lol xx

[lighter]

I wish it would rain here too, Tupp!  I spend an hour watering thirsty moss every day, and it seems like it was raining daily here for a year!  I want it happy, and amazingly green when company arrives!

[lighter]

It rained this afternoon.  Out of the blue.

Maybe I can control the weather; )

About the ADD, Tupp.  I always knew I had SOMETHING.  Knowing what it is doesn't change anything.  No one wants to give me a drug, and I'm not asking for one.  I'm betting on the neurofeedback to help. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lol, well if you can control the weather figuring out ADD should be a breeze   The thing I've found helpful with son's diagnoses is that it gives you a starting point when doing your own research.  It's just a good base to start from when looking into ways of helping yourself and making life work a bit more smoothly.

Speaking of which - I had an awful day yesterday, really down and lonely, felt suicidal again which surprised me because we'd had such a nice day the day before and have generally been having a better time of it.  My little brain has been working overtime and I had another lightbulb moment, and I'm starting to wonder if these bouts of me feeling suicidal are some sort of signal that some deep shift is going on, because once the lightbulb moment arrives the suicidal feelings go.  Almost like it's the death of some previous thought pattern moving out to be replaced by a new one or something.  Weird.  Anyway - I was thinking about habits and how we tend to go to old, often unhealthy patterns when tired, stressed, unwell and so on.  It's something I do a lot, and something that bothers me a lot.  Lack of sleep and rest is a big problem for me; four to six hours a night is average which just isn't enough.  And I think tiredness in me is quite subtle; it manifests in my thought processes and overall mood rather than yawning and wanting to sleep.

I decided to try to work on one health problem at a time, with rest and sleep being the first one.  I wanted to try to stay in bed for eight hours, even if I wasn't sleeping (I try this a lot and never manage more than a day or two; the stress of all the things not getting done gets the better of me and I get up).  But decided to try again and whilst sitting in bed, drinking tea and listening to music, started thinking about supportive aspects of my life - supportive people, supportive places, supportive activities.  I started making a list, and it's quite long.  I have a good number of supportive people in my life (and by supportive I really just mean people who don't drain me and wear me out, it doesn't even need to be that they do anything for me, just that they don't take too much).  We have a good number of lovely places to visit near us, all easy to get to, by bus if need be.  And there are many activities I can do and like doing that I can do at home without spending any money.  And I was looking at this list and wondering why, when I do have all these supportive aspects, I so often feel so unsupported and alone.  And what I realised - here is the drum roll - is that I tend to constantly go back to the things that don't support me.  When I'm down I contact people who treat me like shit, or I scroll through Facebook looking at everyone else's wonderful life whilst ruminating on my own.  Instead of getting out somewhere lovely nearby, that doesn't cost a lot, I stay indoors punishing myself for not being good enough to be heading off on an exotic holiday or attending some lovely concert or something.  Instead of making myself a healthy fruit plate and settling down with a good film or book, I watch crap on telly and stuff my face.  And I realised I'm in an abusive relationship with myself.  I've cut ties with abusive people and obvious abusive habits - but I've just replaced it with self abuse and an endless round of putting myself down and berating myself for not getting it right.  I stopped other people doing it and just started doing it myself instead.  I hadn't even realised I was doing it to any great extent but there I am, getting in my own way, stopping myself from getting on with what I want to do and the people I want to do it with.  Why oh why do we do this to ourselves??!!  It's so maddening when you see something and realise how obvious it is - although you couldn't see it before.

Anyway - with this new revelation in mind, I have got my list of supportive people, places and activities and I am going to try really hard to refer back to it throughout the day to try to get my mind retrained to automatically reach for things and people that help and nurture, rather than heading back to the things that don't time and time again.  Amazing that our brains can be so brilliant and so daft at the same time xx

[Twoapenny]

I'm wondering if the negativity gives me energy in some way?  I forced myself to spend three hours in bed and not get up until 9am.  Very difficult; I was trying to relax by writing a bit, reading and listening to music.  My brain shoots to some sort of argument or imaginary battle, always involving me defending son in some way, listing the way his problems affect him, thinking of ways to get him away from people, imaging a defence in front of a child protection council.  None of it necessary or useful right now.  But it kept happening and when it did I felt a shot of energy going through me and I wonder if that's what I've been doing; firing myself up to get through the day by giving myself a shot of adrenaline.  I've kept pushing myself away from it and tried to refocus on something supportive and nurturing but it does make me feel absolutely worn out and shattered.  How very odd.  Will keep observing and writing down so I don't forget   Fortunately we only have four weeks of college left and then ten blissful weeks of being able to focus on us, rather than running around all over the place.

[sKePTiKal]

I think maybe what I do is project it outwards, and do for other people what I wish someone would do for me?  So what I need to do is start focusing all that attention that I project forward into myself instead.  Does that make sense?

YES, Tupp. All those people you encounter now, are kinda like a human buffet. Maybe you just don't feel like, want to, have peas right now. Maybe you'd rather have carrots! Yummy, candied carrots... and if you FORCE yourself to eat peas instead... then the resistance (Viking-level, extra strength) of the inner Tupp, comes up as what you observed later on - that you punish yourself. (I have a theory about how that abuse gets internalized, but I'll save it for now. It tends to differ a lot between individuals.)

Re: people on facebook have "perfect lives"...

This is the epitome of media that allows people to polish the turds in themselves and their lives to present to other people - selling a scam; a lie - about themselves. It happens face to face, too - but in that case, you can observe both YOUR inner intuition about whether it's true or not and how you feel about it... and what your intuition observes about the other person that might be hiding themselves behind a picture of "perfect". There, exist the clues for deeper connection, should you choose to pursue it. (I will venture to say, that you should be VERY sure that you want to, before acting on it. For your sake and to protect yourself. There are some sophistocated artists in this deception out there.)

[lighter]

Lol, well if you can control the weather figuring out ADD should be a breeze   The thing I've found helpful with son's diagnoses is that it gives you a starting point when doing your own research.  It's just a good base to start from when looking into ways of helping yourself and making life work a bit more smoothly.

Speaking of which - I had an awful day yesterday, really down and lonely, felt suicidal again which surprised me because we'd had such a nice day the day before and have generally been having a better time of it.  My little brain has been working overtime and I had another lightbulb moment, and I'm starting to wonder if these bouts of me feeling suicidal are some sort of signal that some deep shift is going on, because once the lightbulb moment arrives the suicidal feelings go.  Almost like it's the death of some previous thought pattern moving out to be replaced by a new one or something.  Weird. I think giving up hope, or finding no way to continue an old pattern DOES feel like a death.  It IS a death, IME.  Maybe, bc you're so strong, giving up on something has to get to that very extreme point for you to release it, or be able to let it go/change.
 You're a very loyal person, Tupp.  I'm betting that giving up or giving in, on anything in any way, is tied into many aspects of your life, and hard to tease apart.  IME the more time I spend thinking about the painful stuff, the less suffering, in general.  I think that's counter intuitive, but it seems to be true.  No way around the pain.... have to go through it to get out of it, kwim?  Same stuff we've been talking about, but actually DOING it is another matter, IME. Anyway - I was thinking about habits and how we tend to go to old, often unhealthy patterns when tired, stressed, unwell and so on.  It's something I do a lot, and something that bothers me a lot.  Lack of sleep and rest is a big problem for me; four to six hours a night is average which just isn't enough.  And I think tiredness in me is quite subtle; it manifests in my thought processes and overall mood rather than yawning and wanting to sleep.

I decided to try to work on one health problem at a time, with rest and sleep being the first one.  I wanted to try to stay in bed for eight hours, even if I wasn't sleeping (I try this a lot and never manage more than a day or two; the stress of all the things not getting done gets the better of me and I get up).  But decided to try again and whilst sitting in bed, drinking tea and listening to music, started thinking about supportive aspects of my life - supportive people, supportive places, supportive activities.  I started making a list, and it's quite long.  I have a good number of supportive people in my life (and by supportive I really just mean people who don't drain me and wear me out, it doesn't even need to be that they do anything for me, just that they don't take too much).  Sometimes I wonder if I expect too little from everyone around me.  I try to shield everyone, and carry my load without asking for help.  I've caught myself, twice, saying to oldest dd... "You don't have to help, but please stop sabotaging me."  I don't feel good about that.
 The statement makes me question everything, and I am. We have a good number of lovely places to visit near us, all easy to get to, by bus if need be.  And there are many activities I can do and like doing that I can do at home without spending any money.  And I was looking at this list and wondering why, when I do have all these supportive aspects, I so often feel so unsupported and alone.  And what I realised - here is the drum roll - is that I tend to constantly go back to the things that don't support me. Yup. When I'm down I contact people who treat me like shit, or I scroll through Facebook looking at everyone else's wonderful life whilst ruminating on my own.  Instead of getting out somewhere lovely nearby, that doesn't cost a lot, I stay indoors punishing myself for not being good enough to be heading off on an exotic holiday or attending some lovely concert or something.  Instead of making myself a healthy fruit plate and settling down with a good film or book, I watch crap on telly and stuff my face.  And I realised I'm in an abusive relationship with myself.  I've cut ties with abusive people and obvious abusive habits - but I've just replaced it with self abuse and an endless round of putting myself down and berating myself for not getting it right.  I stopped other people doing it and just started doing it myself instead.  I hadn't even realised I was doing it to any great extent but there I am, getting in my own way, stopping myself from getting on with what I want to do and the people I want to do it with.  Why oh why do we do this to ourselves??!!  It's so maddening when you see something and realise how obvious it is - although you couldn't see it before. Amazing insight, Tupp!

Anyway - with this new revelation in mind, I have got my list of supportive people, places and activities and I am going to try really hard to refer back to it throughout the day to try to get my mind retrained to automatically reach for things and people that help and nurture, rather than heading back to the things that don't time and time again.  Amazing that our brains can be so brilliant and so daft at the same time xx

The mind is a funny thing.  I think you're learning how to be consistently mindful, SEE what's going on, and not shut down..... but notice, and accept what comes up. Consistently.
 It's my hope THIS is where true change begins.   

About seeking out negative things, about getting a shot of adrenaline to get through the day.....that resonates with me too.   I don't know how I got to that point, and I certainly didn't notice, but at some point it became a part of me, and I couldn't get OUT of it.  I'd tried, many times, but always got dragged back down by ongoing crisis.  The times I could relax into a more normal way of being, were blown apart, and I was back behind the 8 ball, even farther than before, bc I'd let my guard down, and the pain of returning to battle was "shattering" as you put it.  Absolutely shattering, and I had to build myself back up, and get on. 

Now I'm built, and up, and have to find a way to dismantle the armor, the walls, the left forward fighting stance, and what my body DOES with the adrenaline that's part of my life now.

How to switch up the adrenals, calm them down, and find a new normal.

I have another yoga therapy session today, and maybe that's part of it.  Just being aware is part of it, IMO. 

Once we've identified the pieces of our inner world, and routine that no longer serves.... we work on changing it.

I look at it this way, Tupp... we've done much harder things.

We've come out the other end.  We may not be whole, but darnit, we're aware there are pieces missing, and pieces we can retire, and pieces we need to find, and add.  We've done so many amazing, heroic things... we can do this too.

I think your strength might actually slow down the process..... your rock bottom is a deep deep thing.... you're just that strong.  Breath.  Let the bottom rise up, take it out into the sun, turn it around, look at it, marvel at it's depth, and accept it, embrace it, make a habit of addressing it... let it know you're OK, and have new plans for keeping you safe now.

I think working through it with your T, as you can, would be helpful.  It's a powerful thing to speak out loud what you fear most, what's haunted you deeply, and chased you underground so far.  It's a powerful thing to face it with compassion, in observation mode if you can manage it, and let it howl as long as it needs to howl. 

It's been standing guard, mounting defenses, and beating back assaults for a very long time.  I don't think your brain knows there are other ways.... yet.  You can find them, and focus that terrific mind of yours.....  it'll be exhausting to make those changes, IME, but worth it, and darnit.....
it can't be harder than what you've already accomplished. 

Just different. 

Lighter
PS I go through battles in my head too.  Sometimes I can catch it, but yesterday I didn't.  Yesterday I carted rocks, and embraced the mental struggle.... did it give me energy?  I'm sure it did.  Do I depend on that kind of struggle... now...., do I still run on adrenaline dumps?  I'm sure I'm somewhat dependent, even if it's much better than it was,..... I can find more balance, and I will.  Thanks for the reminder.... we mentally solve problems we aren't dealing with, and there's comfort there..... but it's less useful than it was.  There are more useful/constructive ways, and we're going to find them, and learn to practice them.  What becomes habit, becomes pleasure. 

[Hopalong]

Tupp, wow.
Wow is not a big enough word.

Your depth of insight into yourself, your clear, sane and courageous examination of your own patterns and thought streams, are of a quality that completely dazzles me. This is where you are rich. You truly are rich in insight, and that's something no amount of money could buy.

I can't even say it much better except to say that I read you sometimes with my jaw hanging open, because you are THAT insightful, THAT avoidant of denial or deflection, THAT committed to responsible self-knowledge, THAT wise to your own patterns, THAT courageous in countering them.

You are just all THAT, Tupp.

I admire you so much.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

About sleep and issues in general that we try to work on. If you ever get to sleep in do you feel better? Now that I have time off work and get to sleep in I still don't feel quite right/rested. I assumed I needed more sleep and that isn't the whole picture because more sleep if anything is making me feel more out of sync?

I don't know maybe it's quality of sleep not quantity, Maybe it's cutting out coffee. Maybe it's more exercise needed.

IDK sometimes I feel off and I don't know why. I've decided that more sleep for me isn't really the real reason under it all.

Anywho just a random thought. We are different people!! Everybody has their own issues and solutions I guess.

Some people say it's WHEN we sleep that is important not how much sleep we get. Someone once told me the sleep between like 8-10 AM is the most important of our whole night's rest...

[lighter]

I've read the brain gets rid of the sticky toxins ONLY when we sleep.  Our bodies heal when we're sleeping too.