Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I had a dream 2 nights ago, and it isn't haunting me anymore.... but it was. 

It's interesting to notice how my shadows/darkness shows itself in dreams.

Over and over again, I had to face unbelievably terrible choices I'd made in the dream.....not actual choices in life, but huge sweeping magnifications of smaller actual choices.  Oof. So tough.

Mostly centered around past betrayals, most devastatingly, by myself.

It feels like an assignment.  A request to notice, list, assess, and address those shadows (in thinking/doing/not doing), so as to meaningfully adjust sails, if necessary.

The dream included leaving my baby (different baby, not one of my girls) on a sofa of some mutually respected and liked person, before asking them, so I could go on a work trip ( to stay at someone else's Airbnb, without asking, which left their place unclean for guest's arrival the day I was leaving.)

And, as I worried about leaving a dirty fridge/bathroom/kitchen, I was worried about checking on the baby, finding the baby sitting person's phone number, letting them know I was headed home on....like .....mopeds with jenkie trailers attached.  Painful slow travel, but in this dream, I saw no choice. 

Just kept making detrimental decisions, leading to painful travel towards legal devastation and....the call to baby caretaker was garbled, but for words like "unfit/CPS/removed."

I woke up with the feeling my vulnerable baby had been placed with the people who hate, and would destroy, me by harming my baby.....perhaps worse.

All the while I kept saying.....WHY would I DO that, even as I ignored the choices, till consequences forced me to face them. 

I have light and dark sides.
 That's reality.... and, let's face it.....

ego.

I don't want to bounce along, making mindless choices, bc consequences aren't forcing me to examine them, like in the dream.
 Ya.
That.

Lighter





 

[lighter]

The week off from T is a good thing.  Today, on walk with pug, I realized ...old default settings were put in place,once upon a time, by the adults in my life.

 Fair enough.

Now..... default settings are my default settings.  If changes are to be made, I'm responsible for identifying, assessing and  altering those settings. 

Clarity.

Understanding why and how may feel important, at times, but it's discovering where it lives in my body ..... feeling them, while calm and integrated, that matters.

Getting on with it, for me, and not to pass on or teach. 

Just for me, though I always always feel selfish and wasteful, somewhere in my body, every time.

Lighter