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The island

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lighter:
The trip to the island wasn't easy getting there.... 24 hours of hard work, struggle, driving through the morning, boating to the island at night with wind and water slapping us for 3 hours till we arrived right at 24 hours after we loaded and got on the road.   

At one point, after I was bleary from driving from 1am t0 6am... brother and I discussed some political topics head on.  Usually I remain stoic and silent while he tells me what I believe and what I think, which isn't very productive.  THIS time I just spoke up without expectation, only curiosity to truly understand what and why he believes what he does.  It was marvelous and we remained level and respectful and be broke off discussions without upset.  His gf is chatty and had been uncharacteristically silent during this exchange....  decided  to jump in with her voice raised, which my Nervous System couldn't tolerate.  I assume my speaking up felt like an explosion to them, bc I usually say nothing... admittedly, I dropped the F bomb, I cannot lie. GF lowered her voice, apologized and we continued a civil discussion which seemed productive, but I had no expectations.  Good as gold, with no more political discussion on our journey.... the trip went very well.

The weather was wonderful.  I fished at least 3 days..... which meant I felt like I had little time to figure out what was what at the cottage.  My ADD made focusing difficult, but I had the cottage to myself a couple days to go through my rituals of settling myself and finding focus, so that worked out. 

The local who works on the roof was available so we determined the weakest points in the roof and did some repairs.  He ground down the AC brackets and main electrical panel and sealed them again.  The brackets and AC units will likely require replacement soon... same with the roof and certainly the sea wall.  I noticed the little wooden bridge he constructed in a broken walkway part of the seawall was still in tact and strong as the day he built it.  The door he built on the tiny  shed was still strong and in place as well.  The exterior doors are a lost cause and we didn't spend a minute on those this trip, outside determining measurements to order replacement hurricane grade doors we can install at the end of the month, hopefully.

My brother is less careful than I am about security, which is likley a by product of my history as a woman dealing with threats from many directions and his being a tall white man with no natural enemies... he's lost the same set of keys twice...once to a vehicle break in in Miami.  A kind person found and sent them back to him.  This time he likely put them down in the sea can or in a golf cart and lost track.... I hope they show back up, but I don't feel it really matters as we're replacing those doors and locks..... I'll add another heavy duty lock to the sea can to stop theft.... there are 4 heavy duty locks now, with a copy of those keys out in the world. 

The simple fact I can speak to my brother without emotion on the subject of security and agreeing who gets what access and how that works is now possible.  Brother doesn't argue or disagree reactively..... he states his issues and makes compromises where i can't..... for example, my "caretaker" isn't to have the keys to the sea can under any circumstances, bc he takes tools and loans them out and won't make them available when I need them and once said he didn't know where something was.... right before my brother told him he needed to pay rent.  THEN the tool appeared magically and I took all the keys and explained to the caretaker WHY he no longer had access to the sea can, which now holds all the tools and expensive fishing equipment.  Brother has been working hard to organize the out buildings while I've been away and when I was last at the cottage. 

OK....another really unexpected pleasure was the sea captain friend of my brother....... I'll call him J and his gf, I'll call R.  Both were calm, practical, hard working, jumped in whenever something required attention, were polite and soft spoken and never brought up anything innapropriate...... it really felt like a dream, esp when I was around my brother and J....... they happily discussed wind, and chop and sizes of other vessels and direction and mechanics and motors and fishing and bait and reels and depths and things my brother's boat can can't do.... J has 3 of the same boat for his deep sea fishing business employing another captain, keeping one boat in reserve for mechanical problems in the other two.  J does all his own maintenance,which is astonishing to me....... that's how brother met J... J did some work on brother's boat. 

So, J bought a ton of food.... GOOD food, so many things I brought HE brought.  His gf R cleaned the way I cleaned.... I had to pinch myself when she said she cleaned her floors by hand, like I do.....and she was all over the white tile floors keeping them clean and mark free during the entire trip.... amazing!  She jumped rigth in and helped determine which curtains needed cleaning and hand washed stains like a lady boss.... she's in cyber security so she made the call to the phone company to report poor wifi signal, which was corrected at the pole.... the wires looked fine, but fell apart when touched, so said AJ the tech.  Wifi restored to EXCELLENT signa strength and I can't say enough about how lovely the company and activities were. 

Brother has ADD as does our sister and her dd and my girls..... my youngest dd suffers more.  It's a thing and I'm amazed we get done what we get done..... strengths and weaknesses somehow balance out. 

I'm going to put this here..... there was a board vote at the condo association where my dock is.  Apparently the President is the guy with the dock next to me who finds my renters..... he asked me to sign my proxy early and send it in voting for him, of course, which I did.  The next week I began getting phone calls from Miami and answered them to find other candidates asking for my vote.  These guys told stories about irregularities by the previoous board and an FBI investigation with someone from the management company being fired and it wasn't the story I got at all.  I secretly hoped a new board would be voted in and TOLD the guys they needed to call everyone and make sure to keep calling till the vote happened.  I didn't say the President had contacted me and procured my vote, bc he's helpful and it's in my best interest to keep him happy, but I do believe there's some criminal activity involved and that upset me.... DIM thinking, self interest on my part was something I wrestled with.  What if everyone makes choices based on self interest? 

I just learned the old President lost and his response to my text was quite petulent...... his ego quite bruised...... but he's not mad at me.  As he's the only one helpful in renting the dock and will represent me if and when I sell the cottage..... having him as a cabinet member is a good thing.  Him losing is likely a good thing.  Managing both without upsetting any apple carts was a win win, iMO.

We're flying to Miami towards the end of this month, picking up supplies there and my brother and I will boat to the island together.  I want to learn how to do everything, maybe captain the boat on my own..... not sure about that as i don't have the ability to fix mechanical problems on the water.  Will see.  Youngest dd will fly, as will my sister and BIL.  Oldest DDL won't be able to get time away from work, which is a shame... same with my sister's dd..... can't get away from her new job. I hope my brother's son and dd can go.

I've updated prices and details on the Airbnb site for the Cottage. I have more to do since pics of new sofas and TV haven't been added  The bikes are no longer listed as available, which is kind of true.  The "caretaker" hasn't been caring for them and they're in bad shape.... the 2 out of 4 left, anyway.  The kayaks are still there, with paddles and flotation devices so they're still on the site... even if they make me nervous.  I don't even recognize the bikes.  Not sure if they're the ones we brought with us.

Prices are going up so the guest experience needs to be consistent and elevated as I can manage.  That's a conversation for the "caretaker" and housekeeper next trip.  Cameras will be installed, small appliances edited and replaced as necessary...... more lables on switches and such...... and guest information written out and left for them to find without calling me for it.

Updated lists of tours and restaurants and their hours,which is different.  Figuring out access to the Marina pools for the guests..... maybe housekeeper's dh will be available for ray and shark adventures and tours.  I heard his boat requires minor repairs at this time, so...... it might not work out.   It's a gamble to make any referrals, frankly, but people ask for them all the time. 

The raft boat has a hole in it and needs repairs.  I could motor around myself if I can figure that out.  I think the patch stuff is THERE if I can find it.  Sometimes the heat kills things like that and brining new is a good idea.  There's rafting companies at home with those items.  Will see about that.  Will have to check a bag on the plane,but that's OK. 

There's tons of sheets and tableclothes and knapkins in drawers....will edit them and bring bathroom towels, which number fewer than I remember.  We need those. I brought new comforters for the Twin beds, so that's done.  The twin room now has a chest freezer and will hold a commercial ice maker at some point which brings me to arranging that room so guests have somewhere to put their things and luggage.  It used to be the cottage kitchen so has the electrical outlets for big appliances.... that's a good thing.

Brother talks about adding another bedroom and bathroom to take the pressure off the ONE shared bathroom.  I think about finishing the larger shed and moving the "caretaker" ito it so we have the guest house and that bathroom to rent and use again.  Brother likes that idea too.

Building another little cottage would bring some privacy to the situation, IMO.

The realtor guy, who has the dock next to mine and isn't the president of the condo assoc any longer, has sent potential buyers to the cottage and made it known he'd like to purchase the entire property or vacant lot..... not sure what that's about, but he has a boat and spends time on the island.  Maybe he's serious.  Maybe not.

When I go back, the local contractor will have me scheduled in.  I'm bringing roofing materials and epoxy and sealants with.  I always bring safety gear for him.  Hopefully I'll have the exterior doos to install too.

That's the update.

Lighter



 

lighter:
I'm steadier bc I don't stuff my feelings anymore.... much.  I'm less reactive around SO many things and people....but my kids are still a sticking poing.  Sometimes reactivity pops up.... I get thrown but recognize I'lll be better off asking for help.


With that said, I head back to the island this weekend and I have zero anxiety.  Once I stopped stuffing feelings and biting back my truth..... life got easier....there was flow and ease and ability to BE and remain in the present, which is a joyful thing.

I'm experiencing a few hiccups with regard to youngest dd and what I've modeled for her......the patterns she's formed........ stuffing feelings and letting things build.  It's caustic.

My anxiety went trough the roof as she's talking about her feelings.... and I think she can, bc I'm stronger now..... I don't think she saw me as strong enoough to carry what I carried AND her stuff too.  So, I was reactive then my T helped me calm myself and SEE what was really there and things continue getting more productive and less reactive for me, but more raw and difficult for J.  I can be the compassionate witness, validate her experience, share my own similar experiences and give her permission to HAVE them, to honor herself as a priority....which is something she can't quite put into focus yet,but understsands.... just too diffucult to SEE all the moving pieces at once and make sense of them, IME.  It will come.

Yesterday we had a very productive conversation, sort of around the island,  and she said I'd let her down regarding a very paiful situation and it felt "twice as painful" to her bc I was the one who she trusted to protect her and keep her safe....and she felt I had victim blamed. 

::Knife to the heart::., but she needs to know she is the one who will keep herself safe.  She needs to trust herself to DO that.  I COULD never keep her safe once the courts decided her father and his side of the family had rights to prey at will, or  until I could prove harm, which came to pass.... just as I said it would.  I really get tired of being right.  J says that SAME exact thing... a lot.

We're riding the ripples of the harm done during the girl's childhoods..... L had Wilderness Camp and Therapeutic Boarding school to work hers out.  I remember J saying.... "Aren't you glad I'm not a problem, Mom?  Aren't you glad?"   The really stoic people take longer to reach their breaking points, IME. J is so so strong,but once she gets it....things will roll along for her.

DDJ will learn to feel safe being vulberable.... she's not 20 yet.  She can still learn.

As I said before, I dont' think her T is very proactive with regard to implementing tools and tricks to calm her brain and biochemisstry down.  I present the information over and over, as it was presented to me when I was learning and figuring out my own distress and chill...... implementing measures to STOP the old patterns, create new ones and build on them, choice by choice.

DDJ is so smart.  So capable, but that biochemical hijack is a force to be reckoned with.  She's SEES everything, but there are so many pieces and they're moving and shifting and going in and out of focus for her.

I'm just glad wer'e having the discussion and it's getting calmer and more productive as we go.]]

Lighter

lighter:
Wonderful trip to island with sibs and niece and nephew and lovely BIL. 

I'll update cottage website soon.  I have guests in cottage now at the updated rate. They arrived this morning to a power outage and seemed perfectly happy about it, the cottage and early check in process.  The power plant does ebb and flow, like the water plant.  It's a different, very slow way of life.  Rolling with the flow isn't for everyone, but cottage guests seem very good at it so far.

Will go back at end of month to finish painting buildings.  Things look so good!

Lighter

Hopalong:
I remember how thrilled I was to discover any trick or tool for better communication. In therapy and other settings, I practiced "active listening" or "mirroring" or "empathic listening." All the same, and it was revolutionary to me.

Anyway, when my D was about 10 I began demonstrating and presenting the information...and one day she blew up and said, "Don't use your skills on me!"

In my case, presenting information "over and over and over" backfired into her rejecting a lot of things (tools and tricks) that could have helped her so much as she went through her painful passages. I over-taught her out of anxiety. I wasn't a "helicopter" parent so much as a highly highly anxious one. Not helpful.

Good for you for loving them so steadily and holding hope for them, Lighter. They've come a long way and may do most of their maturing after they're on their own.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---... and may do most of their maturing after they're on their own.
--- End quote ---

Yep; most of us do. There are some, that for various reasons, simply don't mature. Or engage in the constant battle of trying to have their cake & eat it too... being self-reliant, but not being responsible or able to manage emotions or set themselves on a life path of their own choosing.

The in-between stages - between being actively parented and maturing - is where people's life stories come from, I think.

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