Health Updates

[lighter]

I hope you heal up quick, Hops. 

A tumble like that is so scary, for so many reasons.  My knee has a tender spot from Christmas tumble on bike.  I must have bruised the bone, or something.

Sorry your pooch was too scared to comfort you.  If our pug was there, she would have been all over your face with her ugly little mug.... trying to get in and nip your ears and face.... playfully, but very aggressive. 

Your garden waits for your return.  Don't know about there, but it's raining like heck here.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, guys.
I'm just a wuss.

And alas, Tupp, though I AM eating better I've been reverting to my sedentary ways and not walking regularly. I am truly, actually, reconditioned and unfit. Wake-up call Part One.

I think you're right, it's not the beginning of elder-falling-cascade, and was to do with two things: 1) new boxes in odd places, and 2) ADD and spacing out. I think #2 is more of a danger than it used to be.

CB, "I'll move that later" is like a precise summary of my hugest psychological/ADD issue. I've said that to myself every day in multiple ways about a million procrastinated things. Or I'll start something that needs getting done and wander off like a bee to a new blossom. It's cumulative and it's torture.

I am grateful for the sympathy, it really helps!

Moanily,
Hops

Maybe you need to keep dog treats in your pocket, Hops, so that Pooch is more interested   Lol.  I am a terrible one for 'I'l do that later' although with me it's often time constraints; something else needs doing that is more important and then, like you, I end up with a whole load of partly done and not quite finished jobs that just gather and gather.  It is frustrating, and tiring, I find.  Do you find the spacing out is more intense when things like this are going on (by that I mean big scenarios that we can't do a huge amount about personally?).  I just wondered if a big event like a pandemic increases other things that are already difficult to manage.

I hope the leg feels better soon, anyway, and I hope Pooch gets some nurse training done!  Lol xx

[lighter]

I wish we could take things out of each others hands and keep each other moving through house edits and organization.

I accepted long ago.... I need someone to help do that.

Doing it for others is easy.  Doing it for myself, with all the emotionally charged stuff.... is almost impossible to move through efficiently.  I have to be on a crazy tear to do it quickly....just emotionally screaming while filling the truck, over and over. 


Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I wish we could take things out of each others hands and keep each other moving through house edits and organization.

I accepted long ago.... I need someone to help do that.

Doing it for others is easy.  Doing it for myself, with all the emotionally charged stuff.... is almost impossible to move through efficiently.  I have to be on a crazy tear to do it quickly....just emotionally screaming while filling the truck, over and over. 


Lighter

Lighter, I'd love to be able to do that, it would be so good.  I love organising other people's stuff and clearing things out for them and, as you say, it's easy with other people's stuff because you don't have the emotional connection, and I find I don't like to let other people down, whereas I let myself down without any problems   Lol, so if I said I was coming to you next Saturday to sort out your paperwork I'd come, whereas if I tell myself I'll spend Saturday sorting out paperwork I'm quite likely to spend it watching television instead I unpacked for a friend when they moved house a while ago and it was so much quicker than my own unpacking, because you just don't dither to the same extent - it was just get beds made up, unpack kitchen stuff and get basics like phone and TV set up.  So much easier in someone else's home, and then you go home to your own nice comfy place after and they can sit down with their feet up and do the other unpacking in the morning.  My son is working on a time machine at the moment so maybe ultra fast transport will become a reality soon   Lol xx

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
I think an attack from a pug puppy would be incredibly therapeutic! Snort, dash, attack-retreat...  !!

Pooch has apologized, by which I mean has not.
She is so funny.

When I need comfort I'll haul her up to spoon and just talk into her ear a mile a minute. As long as I make my voice goofy and the tone go up and down in an interesting fashion, she'll listen as though Buddha decided to tell her something really important. That makes me laugh more, that she's listening to me free-associate about something ridiculous, or something serious in a ridiculous voice. So she winds up being therapeutic after all.

Knee's slowly calming down, Tupp. I think it was a good wakeup call (I guess...as if a stroke didn't do it). And you're insightful to mention the ADD could be worse under pandemic background stress. That makes a lot of sense.

The organizing stuff does intensify when fear does. My ADD alone is just scattered and deeply annoying. My ADD plus "must update will and DNR/DNI and advanced directive" and "I really should be cooking more" and "now's my chance to work on the novel but I haven't been!" on various similar loops in the brain....is just ADD-er with an edge.

Give the distancing measures, I don't feel comfortable hiring the organizer lady for another bout of help, much less the housecleaner who could do floors, tub and sheets-changing (the back-hurting parts) for me.

Then again, it's a beautiful spring day and another way I could be thinking about all this is that facing myself, by myself, and chipping away at some very bad very old habits, might change me for the good. IOW, if I manage to make headway, and there's no rational reason not to, I could come out of the self-quarantine (I'm guessing fall, earliest) feeling much stronger and more positive about myself.

That's a hope I feel good saying out loud. Not a promise (setup for guilt), but really a hope.

Thanks for listing, y'all.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lighter,
I think an attack from a pug puppy would be incredibly therapeutic! Snort, dash, attack-retreat...  !!

Pooch has apologized, by which I mean has not.
She is so funny.

When I need comfort I'll haul her up to spoon and just talk into her ear a mile a minute. As long as I make my voice goofy and the tone go up and down in an interesting fashion, she'll listen as though Buddha decided to tell her something really important. That makes me laugh more, that she's listening to me free-associate about something ridiculous, or something serious in a ridiculous voice. So she winds up being therapeutic after all.

Knee's slowly calming down, Tupp. I think it was a good wakeup call (I guess...as if a stroke didn't do it). And you're insightful to mention the ADD could be worse under pandemic background stress. That makes a lot of sense.

The organizing stuff does intensify when fear does. My ADD alone is just scattered and deeply annoying. My ADD plus "must update will and DNR/DNI and advanced directive" and "I really should be cooking more" and "now's my chance to work on the novel but I haven't been!" on various similar loops in the brain....is just ADD-er with an edge.

Give the distancing measures, I don't feel comfortable hiring the organizer lady for another bout of help, much less the housecleaner who could do floors, tub and sheets-changing (the back-hurting parts) for me.

Then again, it's a beautiful spring day and another way I could be thinking about all this is that facing myself, by myself, and chipping away at some very bad very old habits, might change me for the good. IOW, if I manage to make headway, and there's no rational reason not to, I could come out of the self-quarantine (I'm guessing fall, earliest) feeling much stronger and more positive about myself.

That's a hope I feel good saying out loud. Not a promise (setup for guilt), but really a hope.

Thanks for listing, y'all.

Hugs
Hops

Well Hops I think there's a lot to be said for just getting through any situation as best you can.  The thing that I find amazing about you is that, however tough or painful your own situation is, you never take it out on anyone else.  You're so aware of it that you don't turn it into nasty things about other people or vent on Pooch or M or anyone else who might be near enough.  You say your bit when necessary, sure, but you don't mindlessly lash out - and as I feel I've been on the receiving end of a couple of people just lately who've dealt with their stuff by dumping it on me, I am very much in awe of people who can own it and contain it and just work through it without taking everyone else down with them.  It's a skill that you've put a lot of time and work in to over the years and yep, your home might be messy but your heart and your feelings aren't - you've got them well organised!

So yep, I'd definitely try to get boxes stacked out of the way just to try to avoid any more tripping but any other organising/cleaning/paperwork type stuff can just wait, and there will be plenty of people very glad off the work once things start moving again.  You can just enjoy that beautiful spring day by sitting in the garden talking to Pooch and the veggies that are starting to sprout and that can be your task for the day   Lol xx

[Hopalong]

This nearly moved me to tears, Tupp:

your home might be messy but your heart and your feelings aren't

Thank you.

Speechless (!). Grateful.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

: )

So nice, Tupp!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm going to be a heck of a lot more careful about falls.

Two days ago I woke up after a GOOD sleep, full of energy and resolve, and for the first time in ages, felt like getting a lot done. I was still aware of knee pain but it wasn't disabling, so though I limped some (kind of swung one straight leg instead of a normal walk), I: did laundry, went on four non-contact errands and to a doc appointment, dog to vet, in and out of the car, etc.

That night, and yesterday, I had muscle spasms from my bad back down the leg through the knee, down calf and into foot. Very painful! Like a half-body charleyhorse, and sometimes the tiniest change in legs position would kick it off. Took a lot of magnesium citrate and stayed in bed yesterday. Was rough but bearable. Better this morning but I'm going to do today "still" as well. Frustrating but a good warning.

Fortunately it's rained enough to keep the veggie beds happy, I think. I so hope I'll still be able to get down and thin and weed.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm going to be a heck of a lot more careful about falls.

Two days ago I woke up after a GOOD sleep, full of energy and resolve, and for the first time in ages, felt like getting a lot done. I was still aware of knee pain but it wasn't disabling, so though I limped some (kind of swung one straight leg instead of a normal walk), I: did laundry, went on four non-contact errands and to a doc appointment, dog to vet, in and out of the car, etc.

That night, and yesterday, I had muscle spasms from my bad back down the leg through the knee, down calf and into foot. Very painful! Like a half-body charleyhorse, and sometimes the tiniest change in legs position would kick it off. Took a lot of magnesium citrate and stayed in bed yesterday. Was rough but bearable. Better this morning but I'm going to do today "still" as well. Frustrating but a good warning.

Fortunately it's rained enough to keep the veggie beds happy, I think. I so hope I'll still be able to get down and thin and weed.

Hugs
Hops

Oh Hopsie, the perils of doing too much because you feel a bit better!  It's easy to overdo it, just because it's so nice to want to do things when you've not been able to or not felt like it.  I hope it eases off again soon.  Would one of those support bandage things help at all?  I hope it gets better with rest, and soon as well.  No more hobbling about for you for a couple of days.  We need to train Pooch to fetch things for you xx

[lighter]

I agree with, CB.

Oreos.

:: nodding::.

And ice: )

 Lighter

[Hopalong]

I've been sliding backward lately. No exercise, eating slipping again somewhat, feeling immobile and paralysed and motivation-free. The SAD light does help but I'm not into any sort of reliable rhythm yet. Insomnia is persistent and I haven't found a safe Rx or supplement that works for me. Just melatonin, which works some of the time.

Last night I did super-strong chamomile plus Ambien plus melatonin and finally got a fairly normal sleep.

That mattered a lot...I'd had several all-nighters and was cracking at the seams, anxiety wise. The night before last (she buries the lede) I was in the ER for strong chest pain accompanied by paleness and drenching sweat. No heart attack, thank god. But it scared me as ever. A neighbor took me in at 2am. Was home yesterday by around 10am and even though I feared going to sleep...with all that stuff I used above, I got there.

The pains had hit when I lay on my side in my usual position and was juuuuuuust about to slip into deep sleep. Wham. Short but very strong pain. Sat up, began feeling SOB (short of breath), which is common to anxiety which I'm sure surged. But it's also a symptom of heart issues, and it's hard to tell. Hence the ride to ED. About 10 minutes after the first pain another one came. Argued with myself but finally called her and we agreed it was reasonable for her to drive me in rather than call an ambulance, because nothing more seemed to be happening. And it's close.
(Good reason I prefer living in town as I get older.)

All labs and EKG came back okay, plus I'm negative for Covid (figuredk that) and after long waiting, got discharged with "chest pain: unknown type" and "SOB" as the diagnosis. He asked me to follow up with my cardiologist so I'm waiting for an appointment. But I think it is probably a combo of lack of fitness plus free floating anxiety building up in me again. I have a fairly strong set of fears building up right now.

So I'm going to be intentional about being vulnerable with those I trust, seeking support in a balanced way, and my T has agreed that two sessions a week will make good sense for a while. I'm happy about that.

I wonder too if some deep anxiety started firing because she and I got quite deep into my core fear and loss issues. Actually narrating the losses is overwhelming and I'm not sure how to figure out how much I can peel it open safely. If the consequences were only emotional (crying or feeling sad) I wouldn't hesitate, but for many years my hurt and fear has been expressed in my chest, and after the stroke, I realized my body will enact what's happening deep inside.

Dunno if that's really it, no crystal ball. But the mind body thing seems relevant.

I'm okay today. Going to take a very slow short simple walk with Pooch in a few.

hugs
Hops

Two

[Twoapenny]

Oh Hops, I'm so sorry, that must have been so scary for you.  I'm glad it wasn't heart related but I know how frightening those pains are (especially at night.  For some reason it's scarier at night) and anxiety/panic attack type pains can really mimic heart attack symptoms.  Very frightening for you.  I'm glad your neighbour was able to take you and that they were able to do those checks and reassure you on that point, at least.

I do understand the worry of emotional issues triggering physical health problems.  As you say, crying and feeling down are things you can cope with but those scary visits to the hospital are something else altogether.  I know I would be wary of going too far down the rabbit hole in that instance.  It's also difficult with emotional stuff because it's hard to tell where that line would be - sometimes you can talk about something that doesn't really feel that painful but it sets something much deeper into motion and that's hard to manage.  I'm glad the T can do two sessions a week but am really sorry that you have that plus the sleeplessness and other anxiety going on at the moment.

I've no practical advice, Hopsie - I know you've been dealing with all of these things for years and know all of the practical and/or emotional things you can do.  Can only offer my support from across the pond and hope that you know how important you are and what a big impact you make on everyone here.  I hope at the very least you can get some good sleep tonight and that the walk with Pooch is enjoyable xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks so much, (((((Tupp))))).

Actually and unfortunately, I don't really know whether or not the pain was heart related. What the labs showed was no evidence of heart damage. (Enzymes, etc.) But that doesn't mean it wasn't the heart muscle causing pain. It just wasn't a heart attack.

That's why an appointment with the cardiologist is a good idea, I think. I'm pretty open and rational with docs, and while I tell them I know some of the symptoms I've had off and on for years could be anxiety related, I would value having some advice about when to blow it off vs when to come to the ED (emergency dept.).

Because I've been seriously sedentary, and because I'm 70 years old. Female heart disease is notoriously underdiagnosed.

I don't WANT it, but I don't want it to creep up on me, either.

So there it is.

Sigh,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Oh Hops... I wish I could send you a gallon & a half of "it's OK, it's going to be alright". I understand big deep fear and I think you're wise to unpeel that very slowly; a little at a time. I'm sure Lighter will be along shortly with some practical techniques for breathing through fear... and getting to the point of releasing it.

Mine are so well-known to me at this point (I think) - that I can stand up & face them down... real or imagined. The real ones, I can ask myself: ok, what's the worst that can happen? make that list... and start accepting that it MIGHT be possible I'd face the worst. It's equally as likely, I WON'T. Imagined fears... usually come out of a combination of me not fully comprehending a situation, my imagination and memories of past trauma/grief. I'm not entirely sure how I learned to fear grief so much... but I do. I'll be mad as hell at the world before I give in and just acknowledge grief.

These are anxious times. So it's not just you, either, dear. I'm hearing from a lot of people these days going thru it. All we can do is support each other, listen and care... and sooner or later, this anxiety will lift again.