Health Updates

[Hopalong]

It was nice of old gent, Tupp. He left us (church) around a quarter million. We're using it well. He gave me the opportunity to buy his old car for 1K. Excellent deal, but I had taken care of him kindly and well for the hardest two years of his life. Countless hospital vigils, rush calls, problem solving, laundry, sickness cleanup, meals, etc. And lots of listening. Though I am very grateful I have the car the gratitude is mostly for my good luck that he gave up the keys and allowed me first-in-line offer after he was too sick of things (pain/life in a nursing home) to haggle. I honestly never felt he was being personally generous to me out of caring, though. He would argue with me over a teabag and give me hell for buying the wrong brand of something when the grocery store only had one. (His friends all told him to give me the car but he wasn't emotionally capable. I wasn't surprised. I didn't feel resentful about him being true to his nature, which was pure Scrooge. It was just...here we are again. Somebody gives for the glory, not for generosity. Nmom was the same.)

Bottom line was, truthfully, he was a huge narcissist. Not in terms of vanity, but attention. He craved recognition and praise so left nearly all his million or so to organizations, not individuals. He didn't really connect very closely with individuals. I didn't hold it against him and treated him lovingly anyway, because of the great vulnerability of his age (93) and the physical pain he lived with. Compassion gets me there every time and I also don't think babies are born with plans to become narcissists. Some just do.

Back to Health Updates. Again awake too late but the QUALITY of my sleep has improved a great deal since I started taking the Ashwagandha. As well as the stress response (was really calm after the fall.) I've been taking 200mg morning and bedtime, which is a fairly low dose from what I've read. I just might boost that if I can find good guidelines.

It's an "adaptogen." Very very interesting. Rhodiola has the same reputation.

Anybody ever been on either of these?

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Update:
Butt is waaaaay better. Tailbone twinges but more softly. Clearly no bone damage at all.
Knee is less happy so my walking is hobbly, but I am confident it will heal too. Just probably will always need to be gentle with that knee.

Sleep remains difficult in terms of entering sleep soon enough (and last night was another nearly all-nighter, so I wound up going back to sleep in the morning and not waking until noon, which does frustrate me). BUT...the quality of the sleep is much better and I feel quite different these days when I wake up. Less groggy, less tired, all of that.

Can't help but chalk it up to the ashwagandha, as that's the biggest change. Plus, doing that delivebate 5-ingredient bedtime blast of sleep-supporting things.

May need a alarm clock for a week to move the cycle earlier, but I'm encouraged regardless.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Once we drop the judgment.... once we're as kind to ourselves as we'd be to a small child.... shift is possible.  It's easier....

Couldn't agree with you more, Lighter. I have found being in the present moment and being kind to self much much easier to preach than to practice. So little things like a spontaneous mantra do feel like breakthroughs when they happen. I am grateful for every time.

Health progress today....awake shortly after 7am and hopeful to do NO nap and stay busy. That should make sleeping earlier tonight easier too.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I also don't think babies are born with plans to become narcissists.

Aw, that was the bit that got me, Hops.  I think being able to keep your own boundaries, make sure you yourself are healthy and having your needs met and still be compassionate and understanding towards other people who are - whatever they are - is such an art form and very difficult to truly be able to manage in life.  Whatever people do, underneath they're just damaged people, whatever the cause may be.  I think that's the bit that's very hard to put into practise in day to day life.  Naturally compassionate people often get chewed up and spit out again by others so finding that balance between looking after yourself and being able to be kind to someone who maybe isn't as thoughtful as you - that's a tough line to walk.  I imagine he did think a lot of you, even to let you have the car at a discount rather than giving it away.  That probably was the ultimate gift in his eyes.  It's all about perception, isn't it?  I'm glad you got a good deal for it, anyway, and so kind of him to leave all that money to your church.  I think that showed he did appreciate everything you did, even if he couldn't show it easily.

And I'm glad your achy bits are a bit less achy!  Good that you seem to be healing up quickly.  I did have a little chortle to myself about a video I watched online.  A chap kept seeing on his home CCTV a lady and her little boy walking their dog past his house every night.  The house has a big, open driveway and the little boy whizzed round it each night on his little bicycle so the guy started drawing a race track out there for him.  People started making suggestions for ways to improve it and word got around to other kids and now he has this really fancy track with hairpin bends and stop over points and all this video of loads of little kids racing along it.  It just made me think we need to paint you a track through the house so you can whizz about whilst avoiding obstacles It will satisfy the need to rush without you injuring yourself again   In all seriousness, I am glad you're healing quickly and it wasn't a bigger bump that you took.

And the sleep progress sounds good, even though it's not as great as you'd like yet.  But all steps in the right direction and it's great that the sleep itself feels better, even if there's not as much of it as you want just yet.  Hopefully that will come in time xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks, (((Tupp))).

Sleep really is getting better. I still notice that it's very easy to throw it awry. I fell into a deep nap in the late afternoon so it was late-night again. But I was still awake by 9am which to me is amazing. This AM I forgot to use the light first thing as you're supposed to, and just now turned it on. So a bit of concern about resetting the brain later a few hours. Dunno. I'll just run it for 20 minutes instead of 30 and see what happens. DEFINITELY helps mood.

I've had years of sleep struggles so need to be both consistent and patient with trying to structure some change.

Tailbone keeps hurting more though--at one point I think it's nearly gone and then wham. I think it's just a bone bruise but OW. No need to x-ray, I read up on it and it's just a whole lotta patience. My strong suit. Not.

I saw that video! It was SOOOO sweet. Looked as though the homeowner used sidewalk chalk? Just a simple track and as you said, he starts updating and redoing it with fancy turns and signs. I just LOVED that kindness and play. Reminded me of another recent one about a little boy with both Downs and autism who is obsessed with flags. His parents had a big one and he'd sit just inside the front door and watch it for ages. I think the flowing motion was soothing to him, maybe. Anyway, he really loved one down the block too, and when that neighbor spotted the family stopping there on their walks....well, I'll add the link so you can enjoy it. I teared up. Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkXC6vJA8yk

I hope you're feeling well with less back pain and more energy...how's YOUR health? (Easy for an old lady to yak on nonstop about health stuff, let's hear from you, the youngun!)

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I didn't realize you fell, Hops.  It's stunning and scary when it happens, but I'm glad you're healing.  We're pretty tough stuff, I guess.

About the deal on the car....I agree with Tupp.  The old gent likely felt the 1000.00 was like giving it away.....for him.

My mother had trouble with that too.  My youngest loved a dress in mom's shop, and mom sold it to us for $130.00.  It was a long vintage dress....and marked higher, I'm sure.  I would have thought Mom would take a beloved grandchild in her lap, love the dress with that child then say...
" Of course, this dress will be yours..."
Create that moment in time of joy for herself and grandchild....one of the last conversations in a time of very limited conversations....moments of touching care....of love....of appreciation from the gent, in your case.

But, no.  They couldn't see it.  Couldn't get beyond their limiting appreciation of worldly things and dollars to SEE who was there, in front of them, loving and appreciating them.

And I do think giving a deal WAS a way they showed love....expressed appreciation...turned towards someone.  It was how the clocks in their heads worked, I guess.  Not like our clocks.

Lighter
. 

[Hopalong]

Exactly.
I knew him pretty well and he was honestly a castigating old man. He supported hundreds of nonprofits but for peanuts at a time, so settling his estate must've been a nightmare. I shared his values in terms of causes...but interpersonally, he was a N-mare. He would occasionally talk to me with contempt.

I found this kind of hilarious:
The night before he died in the third nursing/rehab place we moved him to (he raged about everything we tried to do for him--at me for two years, at the 'team' for a couple months)....anyway, that night I was visiting him (I did a lot of that during his final hospitalizations, no paid time involved) -- I was holding his hand and listening.

After a bit he said, "Well, if I have to choose between taking a nap and talking to you, I'm going to take a nap." (He wasn't trying to insult me, just informing me...and he was tired.) Those were his last words to me. He passed peacefully of pneumonia the next morning.

Every single person who knew him well burst out laughing when I told them this.

I get it about the "gift" of a 10 y/o car. In his mind, maybe it was. I was sore inside because I really was caring and devoted to his wellbeing, and he never once said thanks. I cleaned up his poo when he was ill and raced around frantically trying to meet all his very detailed (and many illogical) demands. So. I earned every penny and then some. And I wasn't ONLY "hired help", I was also someone in community with him for many years. Cried at his service, even.

Lighter, I completely get it about the dress. To "sell" someone a sentimental or heirloom item? Yikes. Whoo. Was your mom N-ish in other ways, or is that going too far?

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Weirdly health related, at a stretch:

I have been a huge "voice hog" on the Board today.
Wrote and wrote and wrote. Looked back and asked myself what the volume was about.

I THINK I got it:
Ran the light overlong because I forgot (ADDuuh), and it's very stimulating.
Got excited about a zillion ideas at once.
My brain actually works in the way it works, and sometimes that's almost manic.

Ta da.

Not really a "health" thing in the physical sense. But it relates to racing, and that's why I fell.
I need to listen to my aching tailbone. It's trying to tell me something.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Think that was me yesterday Hops. Today I got over-caffinated and it took till 3 pm for me to get my brain to slow down. Each day is different! Thankfully.

[Twoapenny]

Weirdly health related, at a stretch:

I have been a huge "voice hog" on the Board today.
Wrote and wrote and wrote. Looked back and asked myself what the volume was about.

I THINK I got it:
Ran the light overlong because I forgot (ADDuuh), and it's very stimulating.
Got excited about a zillion ideas at once.
My brain actually works in the way it works, and sometimes that's almost manic.

Ta da.

Not really a "health" thing in the physical sense. But it relates to racing, and that's why I fell.
I need to listen to my aching tailbone. It's trying to tell me something.

hugs
Hops

Well Hopsie, for what it's worth, I didn't notice any voice hogging going on - you were just catching up on threads in your usual lovely, helpful way.  It didn't come across as anything more than usual or different to your normal lovely self xx

[lighter]

Voice....


hog. 

There's no kindness in there... a tiny bit of humor, but no kindness.

 It reminds me of your post about "piling on" but I heard pig pile. 

((Hops)) your voice is a welcome wise, wonderful thing on this board.  Even when you're not feeling strong....

 Even when you're struggling.....
I wonder what's behind it...
 under it. 

I always look forward to hearing your voice.


Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Lighter.
Especially for ferreting out self-criticism that wasn't kind or necessary, really. That was perceptive of you.

It's about my lifelong self-consciousness about talking too much, which I feel better about mostly but still bothers me now and then. In meetings in that stressful job, I would look at "NB" which I'd written on the palm at the base of my thumb...it stood for "no blurting." People sometimes noticed I could barely contain myself when meetings went on and on. (Sometimes it was because I'd already figured out the solution but wasn't recognized for contributing what I did. Nboss, no surprise, would later present my ideas as his own.)

I think the "hog" is honestly just my AD[H?]D. I don't normally exhibit the H piece but I definitely feel it some of the time. Loquaciousness is a key feature. M has "the H" so immensely he made me look like a mystic who hadn't spoken a word for years. I'm a lot less self-loathing about that behavior in myself when it rips forth than I used to be, before I had a diagnosis that explained it. (And I don't blame him either, for something neurological that's very hard to control. But it's good to be reminded to be wary of the reflex of shaming myself, as in "voice hog".

Even though I kind of like the expression.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

My mother was raised without much money.  She was beautiful, popular....a   majorrette and beauty queen.  Certainly the golden child of her mother's eye.  Beloved, but very young , imo, when she married and had children....right out of high school.  She regretted her choices and she shared that regret in the firm of advice to her children....to not marry until after 30.  To stop at 1 child.  I know she didn't mean it the way it came across, but there it is.

The sting of not having enough material things never left her....and she recognized it, though she seemed not to have much control of it. 

As a teen and older, I judged her harshly.  She responded like a golden child, and married a man with more money, love and kindness than my father and they gave themselves to each other, and collecting things for the last 30 years of her life.

When she had no room for more things....she opened little stores and rented storage units and piled one of her homes full of things....and also that garage.  The attic over that garage.

I remember when a large trailer of her belongings arrived....from their mountain house....smelling of mildew.....there were maybe 3 items purchased from every trip they took....going back all those years.  It wasn't just my mother....her dh wanted to buy her things...he collected too.  I had a powerful sadness over letting her things go.....it seemed....
disloyal not to accept and care for what she and sf valued so very much, for so very long.

And those 2 .made a pact to enjoy life to its fullest, they did.  I'm glad now, but their last few years were more difficult bc of the things....the stuff, and their care for it, robbed us all of more connection.  It created hardship I don't want to peck out on my phone.

So.....was my mother Nish?  I don't think she was.

She was a product of her causes and.conditions. She gave us, her 3 children, the things devalued, even if we needed something else.  I can't fault her for doing her best, and I'm sure she did.

I can say I wish I'd known her better, as she was and not wished so hard for her to be something else.  I wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy judging her, and I did judge.

Lord knows I had a hand in the lack of connection. 

I think I would have liked her a lot if I'd.been able to get my nose off all the pebbles surrounding our relationship.

We were opposites in many ways, which didn't help.  Maybe my obstinate angry child's heart ensured I wasn't very like her.  I'm still puzzling it all out, but I'm at peace with who she was now.

I will say this....I was shocked at a dream I had after her death.  My sister and I were babies, maybe 9 mo old, crying at her knees....trying to crawl up, get her to pick us up.  Truly, I was so surprised, bc I have no memories of that, or really any mothering from her.

I guess I blocked them or they weren't what a baby needed.  She was so young.

It must have shocked her to give up her Miss Ohio crown to become a young wife and mother of twins before her 21st birthday.  She married another golden child.  They knew nothing about parenting, discipline or the phases children pass through.  And they weren't getting their own needs met. 

My father liked to make her cry.  He'd say mean things about her parents.....until she stopped crying.  He was judgmental and I can understand why she left him.

 He was glad she married someone who loved and cared for her though.

He cried when I told him about mom's death.  I think he had a good deal of regret.  I think he understood on some level....he had a hand in the ugly dis integration of our family....poor guy.  His misogynistic uncles influenced him a good deal.  Yuck. 

So much wasted time.  People get twisted and bent by childhood, then we're surprised by the dents and missing pieces....unable to see and accept what was there and ask why....then accept that and move past it, IME.  We take it with us.  Carry it.  It rides us, steers us....compels us to solve it in the present, which is impossible, if course.

Trauma loops. 

The brain wires and then we don't notice, or can't see it, often till it's just too late, IME.

It's new and interesting to see it without all the judgment and guilt over judging, IME.

Such a relief.

Lighter















 

[Hopalong]

That's a very mature and tender portrait of your mother, and even father, Lighter.
"A product of her causes and conditions" is so apt.

I think there's no force in nature stronger, most of the time, than a child's love (or need) for parents. Our automatic assumption that it's always the other way around is faulty, I think.

Twins before 21? She was a child herself. Your dream of babies begging to be seen....ouch.

I'm glad you forgave both parents, for your own peace. But I'm very sorry she bordered on hoarding. That is an exhausting thing to leave behind. I've watched some of the A&E episodes. The people most broken by it seem to be the adult children, who feel so helpless and devastated. Or feel guilty because they simply had to stop trying. The parent consumed by consumption usually seems numb, lost in an interior craving, just like an addict.

Golden children with golden crowns, craving more trinkets. Confusing beauty and trinkets with worth because a starved culture told them it was so. Trophies and attention and consumption without happiness. These days, I seldom feel angry at individuals but I get really upset at our CULTURE.

I swear, every generation produces damaged children, but I think the advent of television is a demarcation point for so much that is negative. Now with the bottomless internet, it's a miracle when a child remains free of that confusion or poisoning, imo. I truly believe that one day our culture will look back at the first few internet generations and recognize that we exposed our children to socially-nuclear radiation and it was NOT safe.

My father grew up very privileged but also very well loved. Involved grandparents down the block, no TV, loving parents. The family took their religion very seriously and for them, being decent and kind was the most important thing. He was never materialistic or a show off. (Well, there was one new car with ginormous FINS, lol...but even then, a tasteful beige.)

Mom had nothing as a child, and transferred her longings into a craving for education and respect more powerful than anything. She did love elegance and lovely clothes--but not many of them. Normal sized, pre-walkin closet! Same clothes and suits for many many years. For her, it was gracious social rituals and a tasteful-not-lavish home that made her feel acceptable. When she worked as a nanny for the president of a famous university at one point, she learned it all. She must've memorized Emily Post/Amy Vanderbilt. Social insecurity never fully left her though.

You have heard and perceived your parents' human stories, Lighter. That's the best thing. And the rest is to take the years to hear and perceive our own. Never boring, that's for sure!

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Just want to whine....
The tailbone's slowly but steadily healing (bone bruise).
What's causing WAY more pain is the knee that got re-injured, wrenched more or less.

That's causing more problems, because:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVoPG9HtYF8

I'm wobbling even with the knee support on, and getting up and down for chair/toilet/bed is miserable. The knee feels worse.

I eventually HAVE to move around to take care of myself/dog/bring in groceries, etc. and it's just a .... literal .... pain.

So. Thanks for listening.
Nothing for it but patience and I will get through it.

Can't wait to be able to walk more than 10 feet again. Soooo frustrated.

If knee doesn't get better or at least seem headed in the right direction I'll have to go see an ortho. Ugh.

hugs
Hops