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FACING CODEPENDENCE, What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our lives

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lighter:
The neighbor claims her dog was attacked as a food source, not bc the bear was scared, or defending itself or looking at food.  She swears the bear is aggressive and murderous.  Other neighbors are mad at that neighbor claiming she's signed the bear's death warrant.

One neighbor, one street over, sent me a picture of a bear in his trash, and said it was headed our direction.  We've seen bears, and they run when I raise my voice at them.  I don't think I'm afraid of them, but I do worry the Pug might get injured if she barks and chases them.  I also worry the bears might slip into the garage when the door's open, bc that's where we're keeping the trash. 

Honestly, these bears grow so much larger than typical bears in our area.  I assume it's bc we're rich in garbage, and bears remember where the best cans are located. 

I put my trash out hours before the trucks comes.  Never overnight.  Not everyone can do that.  Many neighbors are elderly, and do their best.  It is what it is.  People continue leaving bird feeders out too. 

About the bear attacking the dog.  People put all kinds of things in their trash.  I wonder if a bear got ahold of a prescription med, along with some food, and lost it's mind.  I know a woman got bit in the arse while protecting her little dog from a bear eating her trash not long ago.  The one neighbor punched a bear bc it attacked his dog as it barged through the hedge after being sprayed with water... she had cubs.  It was a bad situation.

I think we're loud enough that bears will avoid us.  That's what I keep telling myself. 

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lighter:
I've just finished lesson 8 from the course FROM CODEPENDENT TO INDEPENDENT on the DailyOM site.

I've been slapping myself silly at the end of each with tapping, and I become impatient to finish.  There's a meditation to music, very nice, and I go through each sentence, tapping a full round of 8 points, twice.  I feel there's value in this, for myself.  Not everyone gets tapping, and some feel silly swatting at themselves.  I became friends with one of dd'18's Ts, and he tried tapping.  He said he felt ridiculous doing it, and that made me wonder about T's ongoing training.  Tapping is one of the most effective resources for PTSD.  How can any T dismiss somethng that's working better than ANYTHING else?  With studies to back it up?  Oh well. I think he's lovely, but I do wonder.   

I've noticed there's a tightness in my solar plexus that's difficult to unspool.  That's OK.  I find bringing in the outside space, and incorporating it into the tightness, to add spaciousness, is a very helpful tool. 

Some inner child work brought up surprising tears this morning.  No terrible memories, but just being there, looking at that young child was very emotional for me.  Going to her, speaking to her, picking her up, talking to her, telling her what I wish my parents had done, and letting her know she's safe now, I'll keep her safe going forward, then tapping through the meditation, at the end, was the main place I found tightness, and it was solar plexus, throat, and head..... very tight, very painful.  It's better now.

Amber, if your DD is open to an online program, the DailyOM is available for whatever amount of money she wants to give.... I think.  There are different amounts, at any rate. 

Lighter
Edited post (medication to meditation)

sKePTiKal:
If you'll permit me, I'm going didactic for a moment. As we discuss this, I find myself lost at sea without some concrete definition of the term: Codependence. (Probably indicating I'm way to close to the topic... LOL.) Even tho this is Wikipedia, it's not bad as a starting point.


--- Quote ---Responsibility for relationships with others needs to coexist with responsibility to self.
--- End quote ---

This is the last statement of the entry and kind of sums up all the words before it. Makes it a good rule of thumb, without too much specificity, so that it can be applied as needed.


--- Quote ---Cermak proposed the following criteria for this disorder:[10]

Continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others in the face of serious adverse consequences.
Assumption of responsibility for meeting others' needs to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own.
Anxiety and boundary distortions around intimacy and separation.
Enmeshment in relationships with personality disordered, chemically dependent, other co‐dependent, or impulse‐disordered individuals.
Three or more of the following:
Excessive reliance on denial
Constriction of emotions (with or without dramatic outbursts)
Depression
Hypervigilance
Compulsions
Anxiety
Substance abuse
Has been (or is) the victim of recurrent physical or sexual abuse
Stress related medical illnesses
Has remained in a primary relationship with an active substance abuser for at least two years without seeking outside help.

Codependency has not been included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders; DSM-III-R or later versions.
--- End quote ---

Not all of the above need to be present for the relational condition to present problems or create patterns of habitual preference for that "comfort zone" of a particular kind of relationship.

Comes from this Wiki entry:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

------------

First thing that strikes me about the list of symptoms and the definition, is that elements of this are consistently present in almost ALL of the things we discuss and have discussed over the years here. Because we are all human, everything we do is a "work in progress". And sometimes we forget the lessons we've already learned, or are too stressed to pay attention and notice what we're doing. That's where having this sounding board really HELPS.

The longer I go through this work, the more convinced I am that "why" doesn't matter so much all the time. Yes, sometimes there is something important we've blocked out and denied that needs to see the light of day and finally get dealt with emotionally. Essentially, I feel that's a form of the grieving process. And myself, I will go to crazy lengths to avoid going through that process yet again. But it has to be done... to make peace with it.

lighter:
I haven't visited this thead in a long time and wanted to update.

Big changes I notice are

i have decreasing need or compulstion to fix or otherwise DO things for other people.  Sometimes I still knee jerk offer to help my girls with something, particularly if they're expressing any upset or frustration.....but on reflection see and understand how everyone is served better if I trust them to handle things for themselves and allow them to get on with it. 

Recently I experienced what I consideered very healthy feelings of NOT wanting to jump in and do do do or help my recently widowed friend.  She's used to me jumping in, suggesting projects and pushing till they're complete or close to done.... it's always been my way, but not this trip, so much.

I did fix the laundry problems, bc I had to...... just can't let sour laundry go.  No big deal..... she let me wihtout too much struggle,. but I think it set the tone for her expectation I'd be doing doing doing and pushing to DO other things.... and I just wanted to sit there, eat mommy food she cooked and be still in her space...... laugh with her.... cry with her, which we did, but my spirit felt very serene in a chair, it really did.

So this is my take away......

the things I felt would improve her life by a lot....... I jumped in and helped out on.  This included the laundry problems, identifying space on her porch for comfortable furniture on which she and perhaps I will nap..... shopping for that furniture all over Atlanta, which lead to her selecting furniture on her own after I left,which was great. 

I wanted to see the venue she was looking at for the memorial service.... it was lovely and felt just right.

But I didn' want to do much of anything else, besides go through photos, talk about our shared memories and perhaps the addition of party lights on her deck, which I'd be happy to help hang.

I will say this...... when I got there she'd been busy ordering and receiving a lot of new furniture in anticipation of hosting family for the Memorial service.  I took the tour, but was in no mood to lift anything heavy or do math or solve traffic flow issues.  I did want to remove some of the furniture, and we moved some things around... but small things and the trip was great.  I felt happy and the familiar smell of Spring in Atlanta took me right back to 2004 and 2005 Easter egg hunt memories with the girls and visits with Auntie P and how it felt to be blissfully ignorant of what my ASPD H was and was doing..... I was very happy raising our children alone.  ASPD H being gone was a good thing and it all came back... all felt lovely...... I awnted to plant a tomato garden again and roll around in it with the girls when they were 2 and 4.  There were zero negative memories popping up.  I felt 40 and free and happy again.... like traveling back in time.  Just lovely.

So, what's left when co dependent habits fade or go away?  Space.  It gets filled with something else, in this case.  I guess some relationships end, as Tupp talked about. 

I used to be very uncomfortable if I wasn't "helping" others....just generally in public or at social gatherings.  I was always helping to set up or cook or clean up and that was something I'm not sure I would have given up if asked. I remember saying that out loud, to myself and a couple other people.  It was frustrating... I knew it wasn't good ro right,but it was the way it was.  LOTS of anxiety around doing anything else, I'll tell you that.   NOW..... that's changed and there's space for noticing what's there now.  I visit with friends and let them host without my intervention or jumping in or cleaning eveerything up and it feels really nice to BE nurtured and cared for in that way.

I relaxed into allowing others to do that, not just snap it all up for myself..... and then it was just different... all changed when I wasn't looking or working on it.

While the girls were sick with Covid, my Moss friend came by with a little plant and the sweetest card.  She dropped it and ran, but we've spoken since and caught up.... talked about getting to gether..... reassured each other in ways only we can reassure each other, bc were so similar.... just very reciprocal and important to us both. I look forward to vistiing them again soon..... her dh cooks and we catch up....spend time in her art studio..... anything we do together is happy and we all join in.  I don't have many frineds like that.

My firiend in the hospital used to talk at me a lot. He would date the same types of women,married, and tell the same stories over and over and I finally told him he could talk to me about this last gf when she got a divorce.  Oddly,they're still together, even though she's still married...... whatever that story.....it's working out. 

The last time I talked to him he was driving to Florida and wanted to talk about the current gf's refusal to buy into his qanon nonsense,which was not something I was going to back him up on.  I cut to the chase and told him.....
::wincing::.
I told him is need to always be right in his relationships with women was "tedious."  I feel a good bit of discomfort reading that or thinking about it. ALL the times I listened to him, and validated him and this ONE time I'm honest and it's maybe the last thing I said to him.

Oh well..... an honest friend has value too, even if the listener isn't in a place to appreciate the honesty.  I don't regret being honest,bc he's smart and needs to be aware of the patterns he's repeating in his life so he has a chance to grow through them and beyond.

They began lowering his temperature this morning.  I'm told he tried to take the covers off and his eyes opened....not that they blinked or saw anything, just opened.  I'll try to see him next week before leaving again...no matter what happens. He was a good friend to me while we were raising children together...his dd was my oldest ddL's best friend. It wasn't reciprocal,but I was grateful to have help and company and fellowship.... he went on school trips and I took his dd when he had to be away and handled the classroom stuff... sort of tag teamed and made sure we were ok and the kids were OK.  But not reciprocal and he knew it.  He asked if it was and I lied and said it was,but it wasn't.  I'm trying to figure out if my recent honesty was about evening things up OR being helpful OR putting a boundary up bc it was past time.  I think it was the latter 2 and I get to have boundaries. 

I'm sure I'm able to speak with more compassion and less reactivity now.  I wish I'd been able to when I chose the word tedious,but it really was dead on how it felt.  I'm very happy to hear truth, even when it's not what I want to hear.  I have to remember not everyone wants to hear the truth and everyone deserves compassion.....

even me.

Lighter

lighter:
I have the admit, I've been too kind to the mailman, to the point he's comfortable being.....like.....gobsmacking inappropriate.

I look at how this happened....and.... I'd say, he has the mind of a very slow, very sad....
child.  Picture a tall, blonde, beer bellied Eeyore from Winny the poo.... consistently in debt, bad credit, terrible luck with room mates.....health problems, poor planning, sad sad sad. Some neighbors walk away when they see him coming.  Others enjoy chatting with him.  There was a go fund me, started for him, by the neighborhood, when he had surgery.

A very sad, needy man.

Is THAT catnip for me!?!

I have to admit, I've overstepped, and now, question why and how this happens.  I don't want to repeat this (can only be labeled co-dependent, imo.) I've posted on this thread, bc lessons, and bc it reminds me....I have blind spots.  BLIND spots.  Creepy man, needy man.....blind spots.

And here's the rub.... I'm'a have to figure out how to appropriately set him straight....sans emotional charge......so I feel better and he understands the boundary, that he's crossed, but also consequence of same. 

And I recognize the pull toward helping him, once again, to.....
 u n d e r s t a n d.....
to help him learn to do better.....
as I formulate the words I will say. WTH?

Argh.....makes me sad for him, and for myself.  My sister has the same compulsion to help him. Much worse, if I'm being honest.  I would have cooked 5 meals.  Sister insisted we make 15.

 I'm going to have to be very stern with her about not treating him like a child.  He's a grown man, 48yo. We give advice, we filled his freezer with mommy food when he had shoulder/dental surgery, carried away a weeks worth of fly covered, bear pawed garbage, without being asked😬
 WE did that.  Feels sinkingly co-dependent, just now.

And now I resent it, bc ....

 because  he suggested he date DD22.😱
Was he interested in her 8 years ago?
Five years ago?
::shudder::.  So creepy.

 My Moss Friend knew exactly which mail man I was talking about, and would report him, pronto, to the post office. She and her dh ignored the shoulder surgery saga and go fund me page.

I should be able to be kind, but when being kind lapses into.....enabling....
::sigh::.
a grown person's comfort with...

See?
I keep lapsing into seeing him.... as a slow child. 
I'm conflicted. 
I want to speak calmly, to him, explain what he's done, and.....
And what?


Lighter

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