Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
FACING CODEPENDENCE, What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our lives
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 24, 2019, 03:00:05 PM ---No worries, Amber. I think Hopsy reminding you to stay grounded in presently moments brings us right back to the original topic: )
I'm really happy for you. Remember to keep your head where your feet are.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Well, Lighter, I am continuing to work on my co-dependence issues :) I was asked to give someone a lift somewhere - I said no problem (genuinely wasn't a problem, we were going to the same place) but I asked her to come to my house rather than me picking her up, which she did - easy for both of us and I didn't feel resentful at having to leave earlier to fetch her. I spoke to the lady at the group about a couple of things, which she's dealt with, so the meeting this week was good fun, ran smoothly and I didn't feel put upon or caught up in any drama. I have decided to cut son's hours down at college so that he copes better because I'm not willing to put in so much extra work myself trying to keep him healthy. The environment is a lot for him to cope with and it's too many hours, so I'll be telling them next week that we're cutting back. Felt good to make a preventative decision rather than waiting for the situation to become unbearable again.
A friend came to stay unexpectedly earlier in the week. She is currently consumed in drama, I suspect as a way of avoiding some deep seated issues that are coming up as she gets older (have got every T shirt in every colour for that one!). I listenend, empathised (she is a very sweet person who's had a very difficult and unpleasant life) but avoided getting drawn in or offering advice. She's a very independent person and when she stays she doesn't need me to run around after her; she takes herself off out if she fancies it or is happy to sit in and watch TV. She mucks in with cooking and household chores and eats anything you cook so she's an easy house guest and I've told her she's welcome to stay any time she needs to get away - but avoided getting drawn in to the whole thing.
A couple of other friends have got in touch as the summer holidays draw to a close; they are less busy now that summer is ending and wanting to meet up. I'm currently taking the view that I should approach all my friendships now as if they are new and focus on who or what can fit in to my life as I want it to be. I have enjoyed having time to do yoga and Qi Gong over the summer, and to focus on things that need doing at home, working out a new plan for son, walking on the beach and so on. I've enjoyed the quiet and thinking time and have started working on a couple of projects on my own. So although saying no to anyone still makes me feel guilty, I don't feel that I want to see them right now as I really want to concentrate on myself - opposite of co-dependence, I guess? So yes, working hard at it and trying my best :)
How is it going with you? I saw you've updated the island information so will head over there to see what's going on, you might have been too busy with island stuff to think about the other stuff just lately! Hope all is well xx
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on August 31, 2019, 04:52:08 AM ---
--- Quote from: lighter on August 24, 2019, 03:00:05 PM ---No worries, Amber. I think Hopsy reminding you to stay grounded in presently moments brings us right back to the original topic: )
I'm really happy for you. Remember to keep your head where your feet are.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Well, Lighter, I am continuing to work on my co-dependence issues :) I was asked to give someone a lift somewhere - I said no problem (genuinely wasn't a problem, we were going to the same place) but I asked her to come to my house rather than me picking her up, which she did - easy for both of us and I didn't feel resentful at having to leave earlier to fetch her. I spoke to the lady at the group about a couple of things, which she's dealt with, so the meeting this week was good fun, ran smoothly and I didn't feel put upon or caught up in any drama. I have decided to cut son's hours down at college so that he copes better because I'm not willing to put in so much extra work myself trying to keep him healthy. The environment is a lot for him to cope with and it's too many hours, so I'll be telling them next week that we're cutting back. Felt good to make a preventative decision rather than waiting for the situation to become unbearable again. That's great news, Tupp. That's self care, being proactive, and looking ahead to avoid frustration, trouble, and hardship, that's what it is. Well done.
A friend came to stay unexpectedly earlier in the week. She is currently consumed in drama, I suspect as a way of avoiding some deep seated issues that are coming up as she gets older (have got every T shirt in every colour for that one!). I listenend, empathised (she is a very sweet person who's had a very difficult and unpleasant life) but avoided getting drawn in or offering advice. She's a very independent person and when she stays she doesn't need me to run around after her; she takes herself off out if she fancies it or is happy to sit in and watch TV. She mucks in with cooking and household chores and eats anything you cook so she's an easy house guest and I've told her she's welcome to stay any time she needs to get away - but avoided getting drawn in to the whole thing. Remembering boundaries, learning how to detach, enforcing boundaries..... that's what keeps us safe. That's what restores balance. It's not easy to do consistently, IME.
It helps to remember we're more help if we manage to remain detached.
A couple of other friends have got in touch as the summer holidays draw to a close; they are less busy now that summer is ending and wanting to meet up. I'm currently taking the view that I should approach all my friendships now as if they are new and focus on who or what can fit in to my life as I want it to be. Perhaps journaling on this, as you go, will be helpful? I have enjoyed having time to do yoga and Qi Gong over the summer, and to focus on things that need doing at home, working out a new plan for son, walking on the beach and so on. I've enjoyed the quiet and thinking time and have started working on a couple of projects on my own. So although saying no to anyone still makes me feel guilty, I don't feel that I want to see them right now as I really want to concentrate on myself - opposite of co-dependence, I guess? So yes, working hard at it and trying my best :) Oh that darned FOG... fear, obligation nad guilt. I think focusing on yourself is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, your son, and your friends, Tupp. You'll strengthen yourself, and that's good for everyone.
How is it going with you? Oh I'm talking myself out of a tree, over and over and over again. I finally just asked myself.... "what would I want Tupp to do in my situation?" and that calmed me down a bit. Took my face off the glass, at least by a few inches.
I don't know what's going to happen with the cottage, but it would be difficult for me to NOT take it personally if, the week I put the finishing touches on it, a hurricane ripped the roof off, or flooded everything into ruin..... if everything turned green, and molded over. I mean..... THAT would be a message from God, at least I'd have a hard time convincing myself it wasn't. And... if someone dies, particularly someone I care about there, I will feel cursed, and there won't be much I can do about that till I see the T again. This is what's going through my head as I watch the storm path.
I saw you've updated the island information so will head over there to see what's going on, you might have been too busy with island stuff to think about the other stuff just lately! Hope all is well xx
I've been scrambling to make sure the hurricane shutters are closed, and it turns out neither the housekeeper or the renter HAVE a shutter key to close the guest house shutters. The only key, I'd given out was to the worker on the other island, and he didn't close the shutters on the guest cottage. Renter found the keys I hid, and used them to close up shutters, but he intends to shelter at the cottage. I'm not going to be OK if he's seriously injured or killed there. I just heard winds are closing in on Bahamas at 150 mph, and the hurricane is slowing down to a crawl.... it might just sit on the island, and devastate it.
I'm uncomfortable, and there's fear, and all kinds of feelings coming up that aren't helpful.
A very aggressive large black bear attacked a dog one neighborhood over... very nearby, while I was gone. The dog is OK, only required 14 stitches, but there's the matter of an aggressive black bear in the area. REALLY?!?!?
I don't seem to be dreaming lately, thank God. I'm sorry your dreams are bothering you, ((Tupp.))
OK.... I'm going to work some on the house, then read some, and meditate some.... and pay attention to what's going on. Try to be curious, and cultivate some detachment. Even if it's not OK... it's OK, right?
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Twoapenny:
Oh Lighter, it's so hard for you being so far away from the beach house (although I'm glad you're far away from the storm!) Although from what you put on the other thread it seems the storm did skim past so hopefully no major damage and nothing too much extra to sort out. Yes, I'd have been miffed if something I'd just finished after months of hard work got blown away a week later! I'm glad it seems to have avoided the worst of it. The grumpy bear doesn't sound quite so good. I don't think even you can deal with that problem! Lol, maybe get Skep over to sort him out ;) Yes, practise saying "What would I tell Tupp to do?" Isn't it funny how we can think more clearly about what we'd say to someone else than we can about doing something ourselves? I hope the fear and discomfort start to lift soon, I hate feeling weighed down by that stuff and find it so hard to do anything about it xx xx
sKePTiKal:
Bears are pretty simple creatures; and black bears normally are not aggressive.
You can't leave food around outside for them - they love bird feeders, trashcans and compost piles. It's easy enough to take care of your space - but how do you convince all the neighbors? You probably know about mama bears and their cubs; sometimes one doesn't notice the cub until it's too late and you are between mama and baby. Slowly back away - do NOT run. And pray you don't smell like cinnamon, or bacon.
Dogs, sigh. Unfortunately, a bear is going to win out over a dog, almost all the time. But dogs don't know that - and will step up to protect and defend against this big strange creature. This dog sounds lucky.
Fish and Wildlife should be called; they'll tranquilize the bear and relocate it. But chances are, if there's one bear there are more. I wouldn't LIKE to, but I WOULD shoot a bear who was aggressive, especially if one went after one of the dogs or us.
Hopalong:
My town has lots of bear visitors, including in my neighborhood.
Inevitably, some goes on the neighborhood website complaining about their torn up birdfeeder or scattered trashcans...or the risk to their little Fifipoodle.
Just as inevitably, I post a link to the clear info page from the Dept of Wildlife that explains (in the city, probably different where you are):
We do not come tranquilize and remove a bear that comes into your yard.
The only solution is to remove the food sources that attract bears.
No birdseed until they're in hibernation (enjoy birdbaths instead in warm months).
No grease, oils, eggshells or other animal products in compost bins.
No dog food left outdoors.
Keep trash indoors until pickup morning.
Repeating it over and over and over is like whistling in the wind! Drives me nuts. Also, I get irritated at the entitled tone of McMansion owners who huff their annoyance that natural wildlife dare make an appearance on their manicured lawns, which were built in sprawling stupid developments that reduce bear habitat, etc.
Ahhh. A nice rant feels so good!
xxxooo
Hops
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