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Just wondering how you would answer this question?

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lighter:
Oh, Bettyanne, I'm so sorry.  It's like losing a piece of your heart, and there's no pain killers for the ones sharing the journey, though I think we're entitled to them sometimes. 

I echo Hops' about contacting Hospice.  They offer help with pain medications, and emotional support in comforting unexpected ways, IME. 

My Bill had oxycontin pills that worked for 10 hours, so I didn't have to wake him up every 4 hours, then Hospice brought patches.  My mom received her pain meds and hydration intravenously, which was a huge relief.  She felt so much better, and we felt better having someone there to explain and comfort us. 

You and Bill shared a life, and brought comfort to each other.  That comfort doesn't have to end now.  It should go on in celebration of what you've shared, and still have together. No one knows when that ends.... particularly not Western doctors, who should never give days left to live, like that, IME. 

In any case, we all have the choice to live every day we have left, or die a bit every day in fear.
We have choices to make.   All of us, and no one knows when we're going to die.  Hit by a bus tomorrow..... tomorrow is promised to no man.  Choices.   

Celebrate what was, and still is.  This culture fears and dreads death, but it's just a natural part of living.  No one gets out alive.  Acceptance can be a beautiful thing, and free us up to embrace, and create what comes next,  IME.

My Bill died a little every day of his final 5 months.  I attuned to his mood, and the house was dark, and serious, and without joy. There was fear, and dread, and he clung to me like a child to his mother, speaking about what he wanted for me when he died. 

We didn't celebrate the amazing years we had together,  which would have been joyful, IMO.   He didn't recount happy stories with his friends, or tell his children what he thought the first time he saw them, held them, sent them to their first day at school.

 You can open the curtains, and windows, light candles, make sure the house is fragrant with essential oils that bring you joy... fall breezes.... the little things.... flowers, and the people Bill loves, and enjoys seeing, the things he loves doing... don't shut down, and miss opportunities for more joy, Bettyanne.  The music Bill loves.  Warm light, instead of harsh cool lighting. 

Your Bill is still here: )

Celebrate that with him every moment, and help loved ones do the same.   

There are stories to share with family, memories to whisper privately, and blessings to count.

Sometimes I dream about my Bill, and there's so much I want to say.  It always ends before I can get it out.  You have time to say all those things,  Bettyanne.  In the ways you need to say them, whatever that is, hopefully without fear, bc you do have choices.

((((Bettyanne, and family))))

This too shall pass, and it's going to be OK.  You're going to be OK.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Lighter, how lovely. Truly.

I hope I remember this in case I am in BettyAnne's situation one day, to help me keep in mind that this is one choice...a way to approach inevitable loss.

BettyAnne, I hope you will take strength from the present with all your might. You and Bill both deserve this time.

It's not for the painful, cruel people in your past.

The present moments are for you NOW. And Bill. And you and Bill.

Comfort and strength,

Hops

Bettyanne:
Hi Hops....
My youngest daughter came to help me out for the past week.....so nice of her being a therapist talking on the phone here with clients while she is here helping out......
She took her dad to oncologist last Tuesday.....they are giving him an immunology type of meds.....to see if it will kill off some of the cancer that has spread.....He is feeling very tired and all in since getting it....but it does have side effects.
I am so glad she took him.....I am worn out mentally lately.....so we will see what will happen with this drug???
Anything is worth trying.....at this point.
I will let you know how this all goes....
So grateful for your kind replies....and kindness.
Love,  Bettyanne

Bettyanne:
I need to say thank you for all replies......and I am very grateful
Love you.....all and trying to keep my head on straight lately with all that is going on with my husband Bill....
All we can do at this point is continue trying.....When life gives you .....we have no choice.....
I am hoping for the best at this point and so is Bill....
Bill is a great husband has always been there for me......
he has 33 years sober coming from a family of drunks....
I have been in therapy since I was 24 with his full support....
We don't have a choice who we are born to....but we have a choice when we figure it out how we will go forth in life.....
So we giving it our all right now...
Thanks friends for all your great replies they mean a lot to me...
Love, Bettyanne

sKePTiKal:
Hang in there Bettyanne! Take care of yourSELF too. A day off from the doctor appt running around is such a gift. I used to make a big deal out of the hour or so I had to run out and do errands (I had a night nurse). I'd crank up my favorite radio station and drive like an invincible teenager... just to have a moment free of what I couldn't change. Later on that changed; and I could hardly listen to certain songs 'coz they made me sob.

I absolutely agree with Lighter's take on things. My late hubby only lived 3 months from the diagnosis. And he completely withdrew from the relationship and me for probably a year before that. A little at a time. I don't fault him for it, even though it DID make things harder for me. My doc friend said that he was probably trying to protect me; and I think about my kitties - how they'd go hide somewhere unusual for them, to let this life go. I think he was kind of like the kitties. It wasn't anything he could talk about and he didn't want to share it with me. I do understand that now.

And now I have a new fella, with different problems that I can't help much. YET. But we have agreed that whatever time we ARE allowed, we're going to laugh, love and dance through the days that we DO HAVE. I had pretty much stopped hoping I would find someone else - even though I hadn't ruled it out. (Hubby is for sure chasing blonde playboy bunnies in heaven with Hugh Hefner. I used to tease him about that all the time. We did talk about it before he got sick.) And this just happened after getting to know him, gradually, over years online and phone calls.

But it's different for everyone. Both before and after. Now that you've done so much work healing from the past, you can notice things about this experience that will connect you to the spiritual side of things. And maybe you'll discover too, that love is an energy that doesn't have to be created - just shared - to exist. When things get rocky, let us know and we'll have an Amazon bonfire for ya. Generating and sending you love, long distance.

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