Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just wondering how you would answer this question?
Hopalong:
Maybe it does buy time, and maybe there's nothing wrong with that? As long as his pain is controlled.
I hope you'll find yourself just filling up with your love for Bill, and his for you, and let those get so big and beautiful in all these moments that you find you are just not willing to give the narcissists in your past one minute more of this precious time.
If you can, Bettyanne, give this irreplaceable time to yourself and to your sweet husband. Not them.
You'll be so glad for all of the love you've felt, focused on, and expressed. It'll last you forever.
Hugs
Hops
Bettyanne:
Your right Hopalong......
It's time to stop chasing ghosts.....and bad family relationships....
Bill has always been the sunshine of my life.....along with our kids....
When I finally see this.....and the gift I received in all our years together....55 this years married plus 4 before we were married....
WE worked on healing for years now and trying to understand the dysfunction of our parents.....is when you get to see the light....
I am so so lucky to be able to say that.....
Thank you,
Bettyanne xoxo
Twoapenny:
I'm so sorry, BettyAnne, that the news about Bill isn't better and more positive for you. I do find in myself that when I'm in a bad place, emotionally, mentally, financially, whatever it might be, that dysfunction and unpleasant people and difficulty seems to be all around me. I kind of wonder if, when we're in that raw state, we notice things that we might not have paid attention to if we'd been out having a lovely time - and sometimes it's just the physical place that we're in. Being in a hospital or doctor's waiting room means you're likely to be around other people who are ill - it's why they're there. And for me, that's always harder, because I end up focusing more on the things I don't really want to focus on at that time. It's very hard. I feel for you so much.
Many years ago, I was having a rant on Facebook about the fact that my step-dad had, once again, not even been questioned about abusing me. I'd been blamed, again, the police had taken action against me rather than them, the walls had come back up and he was once again safe and protected and I'd been thrown to the wolves. A friend from childhood, who I hadn't seen for many years, emailed me and said to me, "Do you know what, Tupp? The best revenge is a life well lived. Yes, it's shitty, yes, it's wrong, yes, it means other children aren't safe. But you've done what you can about this and now you go out there and live your life and work on being happy". And it is hard. Those aspects of our past do shape us and they hold on to us, I think. For a long time I thought I couldn't let go, but now I feel more like they won't let go of me. I do still struggle, every day, and when something unfair or unpleasant happens I do find that a lot of other stuff falls in on me. But I muddle through and I do tell myself, every day, the best revenge is a life well lived.
So I echo what Hops has said - live the very best life you can with this wonderful man who's given you so many happy years and shown you that there are lovely people out there in the world, even when most of the people around you have been arseholes. Yes, move away from anyone who sets of your antennae - don't put your energy into wondering whether they are one thing or another, if they're not making you feel safe or comfortable or listened to then pick your book up and read that instead. Don't give them another minute. Give Bill a big cuddle from all of us. And a big cuddle for you, too. And do keep posting and letting us know how you're getting on xx xx xx
Bettyanne:
Thanks.....Twoapenny,
How nice of you to write a nice response. Yes it is difficult mentally dealing with Bill being so sick from the cancer and treatments.....for sure anything that was modeled at home as a kid was so dysfunctional.....do you find yourself trying at times to figure out what is normal?? I was never showed normal....to the point no one could relate to me...but most of the time as a kid I kept my mouth shut. Anything that was going on in my home forsure was not going on in any friends homes or neighbors it was that bad.
So I have spent my life trying to figure out normal reactions.....so this is now one of the most diffiuclt times....makes alcoholism my husband had and his family look like a walk in the park!!! He has 33 years sober this year which is wonderful...do you think Love is the answer....I do...because what I felt as a kid was not love....it was how can I get you into something school and activities or being left alone with a grandmother who was out of her head and a brother who could not walk or talk as not to deal with me....yuck.
Saying all of the
above I am grateful I came to see the light of dysfunction...not a happy situation but one since my NM is dead I don't have to get one of her phone calls ......acting so phony.....My NM diagnosed with Borderline with N traits....
I will do my best right now.....no matter how hard it is on me......because I do love my husband
Life isn't perfect and I guess as we learn and see what is important is where we should be.......but so hard when you have been hurt to your core.....like you with your step dad.......so so sorry, he should have been put in jail....I know years ago kids where blamed.
I just want to share with you my NM was born on Friday the 13th of October 1911.....I have always felt it was unlucky...I feel that that was so creepy....omg.....friends she was the pitts
I will do my best not so much to stay strong as people will say....but to just be human and normal....even if I have to cry or be upset that the person who loved me and was always there for me.....has cancer and that stinks friends....
Thanks Twoapenny and friends.....Love, Bettyanne
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Bettyanne on October 17, 2019, 03:57:28 PM ---Thanks.....Twoapenny,
How nice of you to write a nice response. Yes it is difficult mentally dealing with Bill being so sick from the cancer and treatments.....for sure anything that was modeled at home as a kid was so dysfunctional.....do you find yourself trying at times to figure out what is normal?? I was never showed normal....to the point no one could relate to me...but most of the time as a kid I kept my mouth shut. Anything that was going on in my home forsure was not going on in any friends homes or neighbors it was that bad.
So I have spent my life trying to figure out normal reactions.....so this is now one of the most diffiuclt times....makes alcoholism my husband had and his family look like a walk in the park!!! He has 33 years sober this year which is wonderful...do you think Love is the answer....I do...because what I felt as a kid was not love....it was how can I get you into something school and activities or being left alone with a grandmother who was out of her head and a brother who could not walk or talk as not to deal with me....yuck.
Saying all of the
above I am grateful I came to see the light of dysfunction...not a happy situation but one since my NM is dead I don't have to get one of her phone calls ......acting so phony.....My NM diagnosed with Borderline with N traits....
I will do my best right now.....no matter how hard it is on me......because I do love my husband
Life isn't perfect and I guess as we learn and see what is important is where we should be.......but so hard when you have been hurt to your core.....like you with your step dad.......so so sorry, he should have been put in jail....I know years ago kids where blamed.
I just want to share with you my NM was born on Friday the 13th of October 1911.....I have always felt it was unlucky...I feel that that was so creepy....omg.....friends she was the pitts
I will do my best not so much to stay strong as people will say....but to just be human and normal....even if I have to cry or be upset that the person who loved me and was always there for me.....has cancer and that stinks friends....
Thanks Twoapenny and friends.....Love, Bettyanne
--- End quote ---
Bettyanne, I think being normal and human, in whichever way that is for us, is that bit that takes the strength, you know? Personally I find it takes less of me to pretend to be someone I'm not. Being 'real', especially during a tough time and saying that I'm not in a good place is the stuff that requires real strength from me - you just do what you feel like doing at the time and if anyone else doesn't like it, well, they can go suck a toffee or something :)
Yes, normal is an odd concept when you grow up in a home with odd boundaries. I was very lucky; I had two very good therapists in the early days who kind of re-parented me and taught me what constituted normal behaviour (and by that, they kind of focused on behaviour that doesn't have an adverse effect on anyone else). They taught me about boundaries and to listen to my feelings and my inner voice (which I'd always had to suppress) and that I had a right to think and feel the way I did and that it wasn't wrong to expect other people to treat me politely and be mindful of my feelings and just show some consideration. That was very novel for me and is still something I have to work on. So yes, normal, it's such a loaded word! And very hard to find our own definition of what that is. You are very obviously Bill's ''normal', and he yours. You're in such a tough situation right now and I don't think there is a 'right' way to deal with it - you muddle along as best you can. Have you got anyone else around you now who is in a good place themselves and can be supportive in a practical way? xx
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